Disclaimer: Everything belongs to the wonderful Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt. I just like to play.
Authors note: I hate Valentine's Day so much, but I thought that Howard and Vince might enjoy it a bit more than me.
Howard watched the postman struggle under the weight of the overflowing sack he was lugging up to the front of the shop. He contemplated going to his aid but he knew that the entire contents would be for Vince and this was making him feel a little mean spirited.
It was Valentine's Day and this was the third postal delivery they had received today. All but a few of the cards had been addressed to Vince and the remainder had been evenly distributed between Naboo and his familiar. Howard knew that he was unlikely to receive anything considering he never actually talked to anyone but it still hurt to be proved right.
He tried to convince himself that he didn't care; thinking about how it was just a holiday thought up by the greeting card companies to make more money, but the ache was still there as the postman finally made it into the shop and virtually collapsed under the strain of his load.
The man of the day had not even made an appearance in the shop yet today, instead Bollo had be made to come and take all the cards upstairs to him every time some more arrived. Howard could just imagine him surrounded by his cards and trinkets basking in all the attention being lavished on him, not sparing a single thought for Howard slaving away down in the shop all alone. Not that he was exactly busy, apart from the postmen there has only been one other person in the shop so far and that was just someone asking if there were any better shops in the local area that they could buy a last minute Valentine's gift from. Howard had tried to sell the girl one of his best jazz bookmarks but she had just given him a look that had suggested he was wrong in the head and rushed out.
Howard finally went over to help the postman when it became clear that he couldn't get up from under the heaving bag of cards. At the same time he called up the stairs for Bollo to come and collect Vince's cards and to see also to see if there was anything Naboo could do to speed up the recovery of the postman, after all it was the least they could do considering what they had put the poor man through and no one wanted a repeat of last year when the postman had tried to sue. Howard shuddered at the memory of it; Naboo had had to erase the poor man's memory eventually as it was the only way to stop him from suing.
When Bollo and Naboo appeared in the shop there was no sign of Vince, although Howard barely expected to see him, but there did seem to be bits of glitter and red paint on the pair and they both seemed to have a slightly more shifty than usual look about them. This was saying something Howard thought considering how shifty Naboo and his familiar usually appeared, or maybe he was mistaking shifty for stoned it was hard to tell with Naboo.
"How's it going down here?" Naboo asked as Bollo helped the postman up and relieved him of their post.
"Fine, all under control. Little bit quiet but I'm sure it will pick up later." Howard reassured him, keen to show that he was capable of running the shop single handed.
"Good. I don't want you messing up, I'm taking a risk leaving you alone and you better not let me down. I don't want to have to turn my back on you again." Naboo glared at the taller man. "Come on Bollo, let's get that mail upstairs." Naboo seemed relieved that Howard was coping and that Vince would not be needed downstairs.
Bollo followed Naboo casually dropping a couple of envelopes on the counter with a grunt at Howard as he did. Howard took this to mean that they were for him. He tried to act casual and cool but as soon as the pair were out of sight he pounced on the cards.
The first was indeed a Valentine's card and Howard felt his heart rate pick up wondering who it could be off. He took his time studying the picture on the front of the card and savouring the build up of expectations. Once he finally did open the card though his heart plummeted all the way down to his feet. Inside was written 'Howard, I want to plough you like a snowdrift'' Without even having to check for a signature Howard knew who the card was off and he found himself looking around just in case Eleanor was watching him.
Luckily for Howard the shop was still deserted and he quickly dropped the card onto the counter and picked up the other envelope. This one seemed to be a little wrinkled and seemed to be giving off a slightly salty scent. Howard had a horrible feeling that he knew who this was off but he opened it up anyway, curious to see what the fishy bastard had to say for himself.
The card inside was obviously homemade and had a scarily accurate looking drawing of Howard and Ol' Gregg on the front. What made it scarier was that it appeared that it was a wedding picture, Ol' Gregg was wearing a wedding dress and they were surrounded by confetti and what appeared to be multiple bottles of Baileys. Inside the card was another picture of Howard and Ol' Gregg entitled 'Honeymoon' but Howard did not let his eyes linger on this. The only other thing in the card was a scrawled 'I'm ol' Gregg'. Howard found himself once again scanning his surroundings checking for people who quite possibly wanted to rape him. Thankfully the coast once again appeared to be clear but Howard found himself wishing that Vince were there with him. Maybe a bit of light-hearted banter or if he was lucky a Satsuma fight would erase the terrifying images that the two cards had left in his brain.
Instead he stared obsessively arranging stationary village in the hope that this would take his mind off things. He managed to lose himself in the task for a while until Naboo and Bollo suddenly appeared back downstairs and the call of "Oi Howard, you ballbag" made him look up.
"It's really quiet in here why don't you shut up early?" Howard thought that he must be hallucinating; Naboo never suggested that they close early. The money they made in the shop was what kept him in drugs after all. "Me an' Bollo are off for a Shaman's meeting. We won't be back until tomorrow. Don't touch any of my stuff or Bollo will kill you." Howard glanced at the ape who only nodded slightly but this was enough. Howard knew that Bollo disliked him and was only waiting for a good enough excuse to hurt him.
After they left the shop Howard slowly closed up and thought about making a move up the stairs. He was torn, part of him had missed Vince today and really wanted to see him but the other part of his brain pointed out that Vince would be in full show off mode, strutting around pointing out how many more cards he had received than Howard. Howard didn't want to think about all those other people wanting Vince and more than likely having him as well.
Most of the time it was easy for Howard to bury his feelings for the younger man, knowing that they would never be reciprocated, but sometimes it he just wanted to scream it from the rooftops and let the whole world know.
He had been so tempted to come out and tell Vince how he felt today but instead he had chosen a tasteful card and written down his innermost feelings for the younger man. Howard still couldn't believe that he had done this and had been even more shocked when he had found himself posting it a couple of days before. He wasn't sure what had come over him, he never thought that he would have the courage to do it. The only thing was, he had left the card anonymous.
Howard decided he couldn't put off the inevitable any longer. He slowly trudged up the stairs towards the flat all the while wondering what sight would greet him at the top.
Nothing could have prepared him for what was actually waiting for him though.
As he reached the top of the stairs he heard what sounded suspiciously like jazz. That couldn't be right; Vince hated jazz to the extent where he claimed to be allergic to it. Howard stopped and listened for a few more seconds but it really was jazz and it really was coming from their flat.
Feeling incredibly confused Howard opened the door and stepped inside.
The flat had been completely transformed, the dining table was set for two and there was a single red rose in a vase in the middle. Howard momentarily wondered where the table linen and expensive looking crockery had come from, he was sure they didn't have them before today but his attention was soon captured by the rest of the flat. There were hearts and flowers everywhere, all looking like they had been handmade by Vince – the majority of them were in shades of red and pink and most were covered in a layer of glitter. That would explain Naboo and Bollo earlier thought Howard.
The hundreds of cards that Howard had expected to see on every available surface were notable in their absence. In fact there appeared to be only one card sat proudly in the middle of the mantle. Howard stared at it for a few moments; it was the same card that he had picked out for Vince.
Howard realised that Vince must be expecting company and at the thought of Vince going to all this effort to entertain someone on Valentine's day his heart once again made its way to his feet. He wanted that someone to be him.
As Howard made his way over to his bedroom to quickly change and figure out what he was going to do for the evening, Vince suddenly appeared from his own bedroom.
Howard found himself unable to take another step, he was mesmerised by the sight of Vince. He was wearing a pair of black skinny jeans, red Chelsea boots and a black shirt. The darkness of his outfit contrasted beautifully with the paleness of his skin and Howard could tell that he had spent a long time on his hair and makeup. Every strand of his hair was in exactly the right place to frame his face and the makeup that he had chosen made his already big eyes seem huge.
Howard had never seen anything as stunning in his whole life. He wished that he was the one who would get to spend the evening staring into those blue eyes, but he knew that his evening was going to be spent listening to Lester tell the same jazz story over and over.
He finally managed to make himself start moving again and got as far as his bedroom without saying a word. Once inside he leant back against the door and took a deep breath. He had to accept that Vince had obviously found someone he cared about deeply judging by all the effort he had gone to in the flat.
As Howard was thinking about this something caught his eye. On the bed was an outfit, black trousers and a dark grey shirt with a note on the top. Confused, Howard walked over and picked up the note 'Howard put these on and meet me in the kitchen. Vince x' Howard stared at the note for a while, especially at the kiss at the end trying to find some meaning in it before giving up and doing as he was told.
Howard stepped out to find Vince waiting for him, a nervous look in his eyes. He must really like this person Howard thought, still wondering why he had been made to change when he would be out the door before this guest arrived.
"You look very handsome" Vince said, his eyes roaming up and down Howard. Howard felt nervous under the intense scrutiny and started fidgeting slightly.
Vince was suddenly next to him stopping his fidgeting by taking hold of his hands. Howard found he had nowhere to look but into Vince's eyes. This made him want to fidget even more but Vince was still holding onto his hands and looking at him intently.
"I wanted to say thank you for my Valentine's card" Vince said to him, his voice barely above a whisper. He then leaned even closer to Howard and placed a very gentle kiss against his cheek.
Suddenly the penny dropped and Howard realised what was going on. This wasn't for someone else; Vince had done all of this for him. The card proudly displayed on the mantle was the one from him not just another one that looked the same.
Howard's head started to spin with all the new information and he was glad that Vince was still holding on to him.
Howard was bought back to the present when he felt Vince's lips gently press against his. It took him a moment or two but he managed to respond to the kiss and as soon as he did Vince let go of Howard's hands and wound his arms around Howard's neck.
Once the pair broke apart Howard looked around the flat seeing everything through new eyes. He saw how much hard work Vince must have put into it and realised that while Howard had been assuming the Vince had been opening cards from his adoring fans he must have been arranging all of this instead. Howard felt guilty for thinking such bad things about him. He felt even guiltier when a timer went off in the kitchen and Vince announced that dinner was ready.
Vince had cooked actual food not just dessert and Howard felt himself falling in love even more. Dessert was of course the best part of the meal but that could be because they had moved over to the sofa by that point and each mouthful was followed by a kiss and neither of them could resist feeding little bits to the other.
After the food was finished they both settled on the sofa, Vince curled up to Howard who in turn had his arms wrapped around the other man. Howard had to ask about the jazz that was still playing gently in the background and Vince replied "I want to make you happy. I don't actually mind it too much. It makes me think of you." At this Howard leant down and kissed Vince again tasting the chocolate from dessert still on his lips.
They stayed like this until they both feel asleep and only woke up when Naboo and Bollo arrived back home the next day. Naboo woke them when he saw them on the sofa and said to his familiar "Looks like you owe me a tenner."
Both men had the grace to blush slightly at being caught but it did not stop Howard from kissing Vince just to make sure that it hadn't all been a dream.
Bollo cut the moment between them short with a grunted "You ever hurt precious Vince; I do to you what I did to Chico." Howard reassured the ape that he would never let any harm come to the man he loved and stood up and held out his hand to help Vince up from the sofa. Once Vince was standing Howard led him towards his bedroom where they could continue getting acquainted with each other without interruptions from tiny shaman or talking apes.