Title: Colors

Summary: House finds out that Cuddy gave up on her fertilization and they have a little chat.

Setting: right after "Finding Judas" and the whole Tritter fiasco.

A/NI wrote this fic thinking about the song 'Colors' by Amos Lee. I'm in love with this song and if you don't know it, find it! You'll love it, too! It's one of House's soundtracks, anyway.

Disclaimer: I don't own House Md. I WANT to, but I don't…. :'(

As you will read, I played with some words in particular: dark, color, soul, empty just to underline the main point. I hope you'll like it!

Let me know!

Here's the fiction….

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Yesterday I got lost in the circus

feeling like such a mess.

And now I'm down

I'm just hanging on the corner.

I can't help but reminisce.

It had passed a week since he had dealt with detective Tritter, and still it seemed like yesterday.

It was a windy afternoon and House was limping slowly through the front door of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. The wind blew cutting his face as if to punish him for his actions. And he thought about Cuddy.

She had lied to the judge in order to save his sorry ass from Tritter and from the jail.

He couldn't understand why Cuddy was there for him. He stalked her, he treated her like hell, he skipped clinic duty, he never listened to her, he made silly comments about her body, and STILL she was THERE for him. Why?

He loved solving puzzles, and now SHE was THE puzzle he couldn't let his mind out of.

Suddenly some words echoed in his head.

"It's good that you failed to become a mom because you suck at it!"

Why had he to be so mean? It was too much to say to a good woman like Cuddy was. Why couldn't he just shut up his mouth?

Perhaps Cuddy didn't give those words too much importance since she even testified for him! She wouldn't have done it if she was THAT hurt. That was what he thought.

When he entered the hospital he immediately spotted the figure of a certain administrator across the hall. She was talking to a nurse, all business and work. She seemed tired, as if she hadn't slept in days, you could tell she was sad.

He decided to reach her and annoy her a little.

"It's good that you failed to become a mom because you suck at it!"

He stopped suddenly, his eyes never leaving her form.

She felt him standing right behind her and she turned to look at him. The two of them shared an intense glare, then she slightly nodded and went away.

He had seen pain, lost and sadness in her eyes and he wondered if it was because of the Tritter fiasco or because of his words. One thing he was sure of: the hall lost a shade of color when she walked away.

Cuz when you're gone

all the colors fade.

When you're gone

no new years day parade.

You're gone

colors seem to fade.

Cuddy stared at the sobbing woman standing in front of her asking her, yelling, why she couldn't do anything to save her son's life. Cuddy didn't know what to do. There was no cure and she wasn't God.

"I'm sorry." Cuddy said softly trying to comfort the patient's mother.

House narrowed his eyes and slowly turned to Cuddy in order to study her reaction when the angry woman asked her if she knew what it felt like watching your kid dying.

"I'm sure you don't!" she yelled before being held by her husband in whose arms she continued crying.

"I do…" she whispered in a way that almost made House thinking she didn't speak at all.

Almost.

When Cuddy turned from the woman she bumped into House. He held her elbow for supporting her weight and he saw the tears that were streaming down her cheeks.

She hated to be 'naked' in front of him, like he could read her soul.

House stared intensely at her, noticing all the emotions crossing her beautiful face, her eyes darkening as they tried to expel her fears through the tears.

He didn't know what to do neither. He wasn't going to wipe her tears, he wasn't that kind of guy! Wilson was! Jimmy was always ready to help the needy but he was not. So he said the first thing he thought. "Cuddy…"

She released from his grip and ran to her office where she hoped to hide herself for a very long time.

Your mama called, she said

that you're downstairs crying.

Feeling like such a mess.

Wilson had called him. He told him he saw Cuddy crying and that it was House's fault. He didn't actually tell him THE reason of her breakdown but he almost ordered him to talk to her.

Now it seemed the right moment.

She was sobbing in her dark, empty office. Dark and empty as her soul was right now. Her light was fading away and House felt it, as he approached her on the couch where she was sitting on.

She didn't hear him entering so she jumped a little when she felt the weight of a strong, warm hand on her shoulder. Without turning to face him she whispered to be left alone.

"Cuddy…"

"Don't!" She spoke softly. "Please, don't . I don't need you to see me crying, I don't want you to see me like this."

"I didn't know you gave up because of me." Everything regarding the two of them was like this, implied, but they couldn't tell if this was a good thing or a very bad thing.

"I didn't."

"Oh, right. " He limped to stay in front of her. "You just gave up because you decided you didn't want to be a mother anymore!" His voice rose as he spoke. It was almost a yell.

"House!" She finally looked up in his eyes, deep blue versus light, watery green – blue.

"You did it because of my words! Admit it!" He practically ignored her as he continued with his angry speech.

"Are you mad at me because I'm not pregnant?" She asked incredulous with fire in her eyes.

"No, I'm not mad just because you're not pregnant, I'm mad because you are not pregnant when you obviously want to be!"

"Well maybe House you should have thought twice before telling me I would suck as a mother!" She finally snapped bitterly.

Her breathing was hard and broken, as her heart was. She was broken inside, her heart was split in a thousand pieces and her soul was crying. She was fading.

"Finally you said that." House broke the embarrassing silent they had created.

Ya, I hear ya

in the back ground balling.

What happened

to your sweet summer time dress?

At her puzzled expression he said "You were denying it was my fault. The fact is… I still can't understand why it's my fault. You know me, you know I'm an ass, I always treat you like shit but my words never really hurt you."

"Right. I know you, House. I know you're a pain in the ass and I know that you can't change the way you are…and frankly I wouldn't want you to…" House was speechless. He thought Cuddy was one of those people who wanted him to change. His father was, Stacy was, Wilson…sometimes maybe…but Cuddy no. Apparently he didn't know her well enough.

Billions of thoughts crossed his mind and before he could create a correct sentence he heard her soft, gentle voice again.

"But how can you believe that your words don't mark my soul? I TRUST you, you are always right, House. When you told me those things I thought that you were being right, again. Before we treated Alice…The unique time I got pregnant… - she swallowed hard – it didn't work. I lost the baby."

He saw her fighting her emotions, her eyes mirroring her feelings and he got scared as he saw the emptiness taking its place there.

"I'm not always right, Cuddy." House was having a difficult time dealing with his emotions, too. This was not his job. He swallowed hard before saying the words he never thought he would say.

I know we all

we all got our faults.

We get locked in our vaults

and we stay...

"You…you could…canbe a marvelous mother, Cuddy. I'm sorry for what I said. I was in pain and I just didn't know what I was saying. I didn't mean those words…"

Cuddy thought that it was the first time she heard him saying 'I'm sorry' and let her tears show him the weakness and sadness in her.

"No, House. You knew what you were saying, but it doesn't matter anymore. It's not my destiny. I'm not meant to be a mother. That's the truth."

House watched the hopeless woman in front of him wiping her tears away with the back of her hand. Right now she wasn't the strong administrator he used to know, she was the sweet, delicate, insecure Lisa, the part of her she wanted to hide at work, the part only few people were allowed to know.

He didn't say anything, fearing he could just hurt her again. His silent, however, hurt her more.

At the same time she smiled a fake, watery smile at him and her eyes darkened in sorrow. The delicate Lisa suddenly became the strong Cuddy, the Dean of Medicine and she left her dark office behind her as she made her way through a patient's room.

An unexpected thunder followed by a lightning crossed the dark office, both storm and room reflecting Cuddy's emotions. He had assisted at the death of Lisa Cuddy, at the death of her soul. Her colors had faded away.

When you're gone,

all the colors fade.

When you're gone,

no new years day parade.

You're gone

colors seem to fade

and colors seem to fade.

And he watched her go.

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