A/N Yes, this story is on crack. Don't ask why I'm writing it. I make no excuses for my madness!

Rated M for language and whatnot - yaoi and some Sakura-bashing (cause I really am not that fond of her).

Flame away, if you -really- want to, it makes for a good laugh. Coherent, constructive reviews are awesome, anything else is appreciated.

Enjoy!

-

Chapter One: Desperate times call for desperate measures...

-

When Sasuke didn't respond to Sakura's first advances, she was far from discouraged.

"Haruno-san, it's no use." Naruto told her. "Every single other girl in this building has tried to get his attention. He's practically asexual."

"He won't be when i'm done with him." Sakura declared, winking at the blond. She flounced out of the room, careful to give Naruto the best view of what exactly she planned on using on Sasuke. Naruto watched her go, rolling his eyes.

"That's what his last secretary said." He muttered before turning back to his paperwork.

A month later, Sakura came into his office for a daily visit.

"What is wrong with that man?" She said exasperatedly. "I've been at it for a month and he hasn't so much as glanced my way, except to tell me to call so-and-so or file my paperwork earlier next time. I've tried everything short of telling him outright that he needs to get laid, and I'd gladly be the one to do it."

"Good thing ya didn't," Naruto said, "The last one that did that lost her job and a good deal of money on a fake ID."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Honestly, the man's like a fucking ice cube. There hasn't been a single guy I've gone after who hasn't given in eventually."

"A bit egotistical, are we?" Naruto muttered under his breath. Sakura poked him with a perfectly manicured nail.

"Not at all! I'm just telling it like it is." She insisted. She leaned over his desk, well aware that it showed off her generous assets to the best advantage. "Speaking of which..."

"No." Naruto didn't even look up.

"But Naru-chan..." She whined childishly, which made him choke when her next words were: "I haven't gotten laid since I started working at this damn company, and you're at least partly responsible."

"It's hardly my fault ya can't get the resident ice prince in bed."

"Well you didn't to much to help, did you?" Sakura snapped, annoyed that Naruto wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention to her. How was she supposed to get laid if her current target wouldn't even look at her?

"Was I supposed to?" He finally raised his eyes up, raising a cynical eyebrow. "I thought you could screw it up well enough on your own."

Sakura growled. "I'm glad you have so much faith in me."

"Look, Haruno-san, I hardly even know you. You only ever talk to me in order to complain that Uchiha has refused yet another one of your advances, or to order me to do your paperwork. Which, by the way, I won't be doing anymore."

"What?" Sakura looked puzzled. "But - we talk practically every day -"

"You talk, Haruno-san." Naruto corrected, mindlessly scribbling his signature on another document. "Are ya finished yet? I have work to do."

"Naru-chan..." She whined, "Come on, it's hardly a hardship to bed a beautiful woman."

Naruto snorted. "It is for me," He pointed out. "I don't even like women."

"WHAT?!" She shrieked, her eyes comically wide. "You're a fag?"

He winced. "I'm gay."

"Oh my god, ew." She drew back, a disgusted look on her face. "I can't believe I was talking to you!"

And she hurriedly pranced out of his office, hips still swaying as she attempted to walk in her outrageously high heels. Naruto looked around nervously as she left, but no one else seemed to have heard her outburst, thankfully. It wasn't well known that he was gay, and he'd prefer to keep it that way. Who knew what the Uchiha thought of such matters? He couldn't afford to lose his job over it.

The next day, his hopes that Sakura would leave him alone were smashed to itty bitty pieces. It seemed she had a great deal more plans for him than he'd ever imagined, and none of them pleasant.

"Uzumaki." Her voice was harsh and sharp. "You're going to do something for me."

"Oh?" Naruto inquired. "What makes you think I'll do anything at all for you, after yesterday?"

"Yesterday is the reason you'll do this for me." Sakura grinned wickedly at him, a glint in her eye. "Because if you don't, I'll tell Sasuke-kun that you're a fag, and I'm sure you don't want to lose your job..."

Naruto threw up his hands. "You're such a bitch, Haruno." He growled. "So whaddya want me to do?"

"Pretend to be my boyfriend."

Naruto fell off his chair. "WHAT?!" He yelled from the floor. Sakura leaned over the desk, grinning lewdly.

"What, Naru-chan, didn't you hear me the first time?"

"No, I think I misheard you!" Naruto yelled in her ear. "I THOUGHT you said you wanted a gay man to pretend to be your boyfriend, but then I realized you can't possibly be THAT stupid!"

Sakura stood back up and glared at him as he lifted himself into the chair again. She stuck a finger in her ear and twisted it around in an unladylike manner. Naruto wiggled his eyebrows at her.

"Are you sure you're a woman?" He asked.

"Do you want to check?" She returned, inching a hand up her leg.

"EW, no." Naruto made a face. "Girl cooties."

"You're so goddamned immature, Naruto." Sakura sighed. "This had better work."

"WHAT had better work?" Naruto inquired innocently.

"I TOLD YOU!" Sakura growled. "You idiot. I'm not repeating myself. If you didn't hear, I could always go to Sasuke-kun..." She made as if to leave, but Naruto grabbed her wrist.

"Wait, I heard you!" He said frantically. She stopped and turned around.

"Why, Naru-chan, I had no idea you found my company so... enjoyable." She smirked. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Come on, Haruno, just tell me what the hell I have to do."

"Gladly. It goes like this..."

--- --- ---

"Naru-chan!" Sakura's voice shrilled down the hallway, preluding the clip-clip-clip of her three inch heels.

Naruto couldn't believe he was agreeing to this. Not as if he had much of a choice, but still... A man had his dignity.

"Should have his dignity." Naruto muttered under his breath.

He sighed and slipped out of his office, quickly locking it before Sakura reached him.

"Are you ready?" She demanded.

"Of course, Sakura-chan, I'm always ready for you." He winced at the blatant innuendo Sakura had inserted into his script. She had refused to let him near it, insisting that it not be tainted.

Sakura held out her hand expectantly. With a strained smile, Naruto delicately maneuvered around the wicked looking nails to fold her fingers around the flower stems. She clasped them to her chest delightedly.

"Oh! You bought me orchids, my favorite!"

He refrained from snorting. They were only her favorite because she claimed she wanted Sasuke-kun to think she had good taste; i.e, expensive. He also suspected she was going to wear a sizeable hole in his wallet before the whole ordeal was over.

"Glad you like them." He said in a sarcastic voice, and Sakura winced and elbowed him subtly, well aware that the whole office was probably watching them surruptitiously.

"Ow -" He squeezed his eyes shut dramatically. "I mean, come on, darling, let's go for dinner."

Sakura squealed happily. "I am so lucky to have such a considerate boyfriend!" She announced. "I'm absolutely starving, how did you guess?"

"Maybe it was the fact that you spent the whole lunch hour in my office lecturing me?" Naruto muttered under his breath, gasping when Sakura stepped on his foot with a heel.

"Haru-"

"Uzumaki."

Suddenly, the world stopped.

Nothing but that beautiful voice existed; that heavenly sound that made him think of honey and velvet and maybe how that voice would sound when it was sc -

"Uzumaki!" Funny, the voice had changed in tone. It sounded a little more... annoyed?

Oh. Heh.

Naruto turned around.

"Sorry, Uchiha-san," He began.

"Yes, no doubt you were distracted by the beauty and charm of your... girlfriend." Sasuke spat the word distastefully. "However, some of us actually get work done around here. Your papers from last week are overdue by four hours. They were supposed to be in right after lunch."

"Shit." Naruto swore. They had been sitting on his desk before lunch, and it had just slipped his mind...

"Oh, Sasuke-kun," Sakura piped up, "I knew you'd need them and Naru-chan always forgets his papers, silly boy, so I took the liberty of handing them in to your secretary before I left."

Naruto scowled, knowing for a fact that he almost never forgot his papers, then bristled at being called a 'boy' by a Barbie doll younger than him, and then realized what Sakura had just said.

He opened his mouth to yell "You WHAT?", but Sakura was one step ahead of him. It was therefore very easy for her to drop the heel of her shoe onto his still tender toe again. He smothered a yelp and bit his lip painfully.

Sasuke gave her an uninterested glare. "I suggest you refrain from meddling in the affairs of others, even if they do happen to follow you around like," Here he paused and gave Naruto a disdainful once-over, "a puppy on a leash."

"I do not -!" He yelped, outraged.

"Oh, Naru-chan, I'm sure he didn't mean that as an insult..." Sakura said somewhat lamely, unsure of how exactly to go about 'defending' Naruto while still keeping a good image in Sasuke's mind.

"Actually, I did." Sasuke said coldly, and left.

"Ouch." Naruto muttered.

"Come on, Naru-chan, let's go!" Sakura was eager to leave, for reasons that became obvious once they were inside her car. (She wouldn't ride in his, stating that he probably had some disease that was incredibly contageous if she was in prolonged contact with something of his. Naruto suspected this disease was called 'homosexuality'.)

"He is so into me, did you see that??" She squealed happily. "He was totally jealous, he practically came out and said that I'm too good for you!"

Naruto rolled his eyes. She sounded like a highschool girl with a crush, and He told her so.

"Shut up, Uzumaki, you're ruining my moment of triumph." She snapped.

He snickered. "Yeah, all you'll have to do now is waltz into his office and bend over some."

Sakura gave a little shriek of outrage and reached up to smack the back of his head. "Drive!"

Naruto's eye twitched. Sakura glared fiercely when he didn't move and mentally conveyed the threat of blackmail with all the subtlety of a falling piano - just as she was about to open her mouth, Naruto sighed and turned the key.

The ride was blissfully silent, until Naruto became sick of Sakura's triumphant 'hah' every time she looked at him, and tried to turn on the radio. He reveled in her shocked expression at Billy Talent's growl for all of two seconds before she changed the station.

Thus began a pointless, petty, and ultimately satisfying war over whose music they would listen to. Sakura's bubbly, creepy J-pop, or Naruto's emo-screamo?

Pointless, because they arrived at their destination without ever listening to a single song through and through; petty, because Sakura resorted to tactics such as puncturing Naruto's skin with her vicious nails - the bitch, and Naruto told her so - and satisfying because Sakura was in a foul mood by the time they exited the car.

"You are never riding in my car again." She snapped, smoothing down her dress.

"Heh. Fine with me." Naruto grinned. He stepped up to the door and realized she wasn't behind him. "Are you coming in, or are you gonna stand out there and wait?"

"Ugh!" She waved a hand. "As if I'd set foot in this relic. It's probably infested with - germs or something."

Naruto rolled his eyes. Damned if he knew why she was trying to be subtle about her homophobia. It was a bit late. She probably thought he had gay porn and lewd statues laying around everywhere, like some sort of sexual deviant. Hell no! That shit was stored far away from prying eyes.

"Suit yourself." His fingers tripped over the keypad as he rang himself in.

/End Chapter

-R&R, stay tuned for the next installment! Will likely update more often than DP. xD