Xander Harris hazarded, "Uh, Harmony, you're a…cowgirl, right?"
From under the narrow brim of a low-crowned black Stetson hat, a pair of blue eyes menacingly glared towards that moron in his military fatigues only now realizing just how stupid that sounded. In a voice dripping with venom, Harmony hissed "Yes. How'd you guess?"
"I didn't mean… What I was gonna say…" floundered Xander, beginning to back up and clutch his toy rifle carried in both hands as if it could actually protect him from a very angry girl.
Glancing wildly around for some sort of distraction among the school hallway crowded with younger children in their costumes about to be escorted around town tonight by the high school students 'volunteered' for this by Principal Snyder, Xander pretended to see someone down the corridor waving at him.
Xander next sent a rictus-like smile at where Harmony was still glowering at him, babbling "Gotta go! See you later outside with our kids! Bye!"
Without another word, Xander then hastily took to his heels, a clear disgrace to the American armed forces as shown by every retreating step of his cowardice in the face of Harmony Kendall now bearing a contemptuous sneer.
This girl clad in her authentic Wild West buckskins of a soft suede leather fringed jacket and leggings also trimmed with fringes on the pants sides continued to regard everything in her vicinity with distinct loathing. Harmony's reasons for her totally fed-up attitude were various, starting with the whole conscription thing done by a certain short hairless troll earlier that week in Sunnydale High.
Getting ordered in no uncertain terms by Snyder over what she'd be doing on Halloween night was bad enough, but then it got even worse when the school's most dedicated slacker strolled by, smirking at how the law was being laid down to Miss Kendall by a despised principal. Catching sight of someone else he'd dearly love to expel, Snyder promptly added Xander Harris to his list of student escorts…and teamed him up with Harmony as chaperones for the same group of young trick-or-treaters.
Deaf to the resulting loud protests from both teenagers, Snyder next strutted off, on the prowl for more victims. Xander and Harmony regarded each other with mutual horror, and then hurriedly went their separate ways in the wistful hope this was actually just some ghastly nightmare from which they'd soon wake up.
No such luck.
In fact, the ordeal was only beginning for Harmony. She had to tell Cordelia Chase, otherwise known as Queen C, why a really loyal member of the Cordettes wouldn't be showing up at the Chase mansion for the town's most exclusive All-Hallow's Eve party as her reward. Then, a washing machine mishap irreparably shredded this girl's lovely Unicorn Princess gown, leaving Harmony an utter lack of alternatives but to wear whatever she could find for a Halloween costume tomorrow night.
A timely suggestion from Harmony's mother had Mrs. Kendall's daughter search through their attic before finding a home-made costume which Nana had sewn for another long-ago Halloween school party, a replica of what this grandmother had been told about by her grandmother nostalgically remembering her normal workday attire prior to her marriage. With no other choice, Harmony left her mom cleaning and repairing the Western outfit smelling strongly of mothballs while she went to the nearest costume shop to buy some old-fashioned accessories matching the family stories handed down for future generations.
At least that shop's creepy English shopkeeper did his job sufficiently fast enough, right before Slacker Harris and those two unpopular girls he hung around with in the school library showed up. Carrying her purchases, Harmony managed to sneak out the front door without being spotted by any of this trio, completely indifferent about whom Cordelia always referred to as the 'doofus' might get for his own costume. One thing for sure, it'd be a cheap one.
As expected, Harris came into Sunnydale High that night dressed up on a shoestring as an Army soldier with the imitation rifle brought along as part of his costume probably the priciest item of the whole ensemble. What tilted Harmony's current bad temper into a definitive homicidal mood then was how Xander promptly gawked at her, all because of the last little item completely ruining this girl's night.
Years ago, when her mother had worn Great-Great-Nana's outfit during her own first semester of high school, it'd fit well enough back at that time. Now, though…
Let's just say that Harmony Kendall was much more blessed by the puberty fairy.
Consequently, a young woman presently standing in the school hallway had to be both extremely careful in moving around in her skin-tight leather costume not to mention refraining from taking any deep breaths lest she split a jacket front seam and gave everyone nearby a free show. Starting with that gaping Harris jerk about to have his eyeballs pop out from his skull any moment now while keeping his intent gaze lowered right towards her chest!
Next, he just had to shoot his mouth off by guessing not quite correctly about who she was dressed up as tonight. Harmony got rid of Harris fast enough in any case, but unfortunately they'd be seeing each other again a couple of minutes from now when these teenagers would be forced to escort together their trick-or-treat childrens' group. And it was all the fault of—
"Miss Kendall! That costume is entirely inappropriate!"
Speaking of the troll…
Principal Snyder regarded with extreme disapproval the back portion of the young woman he'd made a beeline towards from the other end of the corridor, particularly the most improper tightness of the leather pants glued across her rear. There was also the unsuitably of all the weaponry carried by her, such as the antiquated large rifle slung over one shoulder, a long sheathed knife along one hip, and even the coiled lasso attached to the other female hip.
Mind you, that latter harmless item for roping cattle could be allowed due to it corresponding to Miss Kendall's evident cowgirl outfit, but the other things wouldn't do at all! Right, send her home with a note to this girl's parents informing them of their child being sentenced to detention for the next week—
Slowly turning around, Harmony Kendall channeled her great-great-grandmother in bestowing upon a midget tyrant the same quelling expression which had over a hundred years ago tamed whole tribes of rambunctious Injuns, made an army camp filled with horny soldiers behave like good little choirboys, and finally got her a marriage proposal from the guy she'd been chasing for years.
For some reason, Snyder had a sudden trickle of nervous sweat run down his back. Swallowing past the lump in his throat which had appeared there just as abruptly, Sunnydale High's principal decided not to pursue the matter any further. No, no, just make that girl still looking at him as if he were something lower than a cowpat's underside go away to accomplish her Halloween assignment. Let that Harris kid suffer tonight, instead!
"Well? Why aren't you with Mr. Harris and those little monst- children belonging to friends of the School Board? Don't forget, the both of you better bring them all back safe and sound! Get going!"
After delivering that last irascible command, Principal Snyder rapidly exited (stage left) from Harmony's company, acting like this bald man's hurried departure was his own idea.
Giving a disgusted sniff, Harmony headed toward the school's front doors on her way to just get it over with, tonight's dumb chore which came with tolerating the upcoming several hours spent in the presence of a sex-obsessed boy. Walking with a slow but steady stride necessitated by the teenager's clinging outfit, Harmony tried to look on the bright side. At least it wasn't as bad as the first minutes of her putting on these outmoded clothes, meaning the buckskin leathers were beginning to stretch out a little the longer she wore them.
As long as she didn't make any sudden moves or do something else so active as to risk a wardrobe malfunction, things might turn out okay. Hey, it wasn't like Harmony would be doing any running down Sunnydale's streets tonight, right?
About three hours later, the woman sprinting around the city block to take unawares a vampire with his hostage mentally cursed her descendant for being much too big for her britches.
Pausing to hop along sideways for a few steps on the sidewalk while she reached behind to yank out a portion of her leather pants from where it was deeply embedded in her butt crack, the lady whose maiden name had been Miss Thrift resumed her sprint once that'd been done. Slowing down to turn into an alley, a former trading post owner became even more cautious in her advance the nearer she got to the other end of the alley.
Finally, a surreptitious peek around a building corner confirmed her worse fears. There were a whole bunch of those ugly critters called demons out there in the small vacant lot with their backs to the woman. At the front of the inhuman crowd was that same nasty piece of work whose name was Spike, still viciously gripping by her neck the harebrained noblewoman whom she'd been earlier assured was someone exactly like her, the wearer of a costume which had taken over tonight the original person.
Ever since she'd found herself in a very strange town, surrounded by people she didn't know, the woman in her buckskins was at first convinced this was the result of one of the multitude of get-rich-quick schemes invented by two rapscallions of her acquaintance going spectacularly wrong. That notion was quickly rejected when the woman uneasily recollected her last few minutes lying on her deathbed after a happy, long life before closing her eyes and then waking up again in the body of her great-great-granddaughter.
Oddly enough, the ensuing anarchy in her vicinity was actually comforting to this woman. She'd been through plenty of other ridiculously hectic stuff in her younger days, so a cowgirl unshouldered her Spencer repeating rifle, checked that it was loaded, and went off to find some answers to her unexpected situation.
She'd soon teamed up with a veteran infantry soldier wearing an unfamiliar green uniform rather than the cavalry blues the woman was more used to, but other than that, it was soon like old times. Just with horses and mules, once you showed total self-confidence along with the certainty that you wouldn't put up with any sort of nonsense from them, just about any example of the human male species around the woman did as they were told by her.
It also helped that Corporal Harris was obviously impressed by her markswoman skills. Even if his own rifle could shoot a lot faster than hers, she was a far better crack shot, peppering the ground around the feet of those attacking miniature demons to make them flee. That was all due to the arrival of some ghost girl who kept calling them both by other names in between filling them in concerning the necessary information about tonight's strange events. Among this ceaseless chatter had been the panicky request not to shoot the little kids who'd been turned into pint-sized fiends.
If the woman hadn't already witnessed enough gosh-darned strange stuff in the last hour, she might've doubted Willow the ghost and her story. Even back home, the one time some European dude from Transylvania came into town claiming to be a vampire, it'd turned out to be completely false.
Not here, though. The woman out of the past eventually came to realize that vampires were real, lurked in this California city's shadows, and they were absolutely not as harmless as Count Sforza turned out to be so long ago. That soon convinced a normally practical lady those blood-drinking monsters were to be dealt with as decisively and as lethally as putting down a rabid coyote which was a danger to the whole neighborhood.
All this led to her being in the alley, about to carry out the plan she and Corporal Harris had hastily come up with mere minutes ago. Coming out on tiptoes into the vacant lot, the woman met the soldier's eyes and saw the faint nod he gave, indicating that if any of the other demons interfered he'd shoot them. This couldn't be done against that blonde vampire, what with him right next to his hostage who might move into a bullet from either the corporal or the woman ambushing Spike from behind with her own rifle. That left one last ploy...
Pausing in the middle of taunting the poofter and his friends about the powerless Slayer he was going to murder any second now, Spike quizzically glanced around due to the strange music abruptly coming from out of thin air.
"Hullo, who brought along a banjo?"
Right afterwards that remark, a loop of magically-imbued rope dropped over Spike's head, and was next given an immense yank to tighten the noose. Uttering a startled yelp promptly choked into silence, Spike let go of his hostage, sending her sprawling to the ground in a swirl of petticoats. The vampire himself was pulled entirely off his feet just as quickly, tumbling backwards, and hit the vacant lot asphalt much harder than did the noblewoman.
Everyone there save for two people were taken by complete surprise. Angel, Cordelia, and Willow all gaped in sheer astonishment at what they'd just seen but didn't move, just as neither did any of Spike's gang. Of course, this demonic restraint was probably because of the human soldier swiftly aiming his automatic weapon at them but not actually firing. Not being as dumb as they looked, the demons froze in place, even when a woman in buckskins ran past them, one end of her lasso still gripped in a hand, and pounced onto Spike's body just when he was beginning to recover from the stunning crack on his pomaded skull smashing against the lot asphalt.
Knowing that she had to work faster than she'd ever done before, the woman kneeling down beside a vampire already beginning to stir had her arms move with blinding speed. Finally finishing, the woman threw up her hands in triumph and called out, "Time! How long was that?"
The soldier shifted his attention from over the sights of his rifle to glance at his GI watch. "Eleven seconds, ma'am."
"Yes!" the woman clapped with pride. "A new personal record for me!"
She now looked down at where Spike was glaring back at her, a bandanna stuffed into his fanged mouth and a lasso now wrapped snug around every limb, hog-tying him in place exactly like a captured male calf in a rodeo ring.
Spike was going to kill the bint still on her knees by him. No, that specific word wouldn't do; they'd have to contrive an entirely novel expression based on the atrocity done by Spike once he broke free. With a swift thrust of his muscles, the vampire started to spread open his arms and legs, expecting to snap the rope like it was sewing thread. After all, he was stronger than a half-dozen men combined…who wouldn't have been successful either in their own futile attempt to wrench apart a western costume's lasso whose every fiber was filled with Ethan Rayne's enchantment using the power of no less than a god of chaos.
Shocked at his unanticipated failure, Spike began thrashing around, trying to roll away or scrape off the lasso against the ground or something. Over his long unlife, Spike had survived far worse situations; just give him a chance, however minor, and he'd be off quick as a wink to get his revenge later—
Seeing the vampire's increasingly violent struggles, the woman then announced in a strangely-calm voice, "Don't worry, everyone! I know just the thing to turn him docile, and it's even the next part of a rodeo demonstration!"
Nobody had any idea of what she was talking about, but they soon got a clue – Spike included – when the woman pulled out her knife from its scabbard on her hip, and then reached with her other hand for the vampire's belt.
"WAIT!"
Rupert Giles stopped short, both of his hands gripping the small Janus statuette and held over the high school librarian's head where he'd just been about to hurl this magical item onto the costume shop floor. Hopefully, that destructive act would smash the statuette and also end the Chaos spell afflicting the populace of Sunnydale. Except his former friend Ethan from London now tied up in a chair a few steps away and bleeding from a sound thumping done by 'Ripper' had just interrupted this.
"What do you want now?" Giles growled at Ethan, who was oddly enough looking off in the distance and soundlessly moving his mouth, as if he were counting down something.
Blinking, Ethan stared at Giles for a moment or two. Another trickle of blood dripped from the mage's split lips when a definitely wicked grin appeared there. "Oh, nothing. I just had a sudden fancy that if there was a short delay before you did the deed, Janus would really appreciate it. Why exactly, I don't know, but I'm sure it'll spread all kinds of delightful chaos in the future, Ripper me lad. Well, get on with it, then! Whatever was going to happen, it's happened, and there's nothing you and your little Slayer can do about it."
Giving Ethan a decidedly suspicious stare, Giles thought it over and eventually came to the reluctant conclusion that his ex-mate might possibly be right. However the outcome, he and the rest of the children in his charge would simply have to deal with it later on.
Rupert Giles threw down the statuette with such force that it shattered into innumerable pieces all over the shop floor.
Harmony Kendall felt dizzy for a moment. Looking around, she found herself on her knees, holding a sharp knife in one hand. Next to her on the ground was a small ash pile with her lasso from that costume shop slackly running in loops through this weird heap of dust. There was the sound from behind of a lot of people running away, but before Harmony could glance over her shoulder, her attention was caught by another and somewhat familiar girl in an ornate gown sitting up off the ground and removing the wig she was wearing.
Holding each other's bewildered gaze, Harmony then watched how that transfer girl from LA to Sunnydale (Bunny? Button?) seated a couple of paces away called out to four people standing at the far edge of their vacant lot, "Guys, what's going on? Did something Hellmouthy happen? Giles said that Halloween was the only time of the year when every demon in town took the night off!"
Following B-whatever's impatient stare, Harmony began to feel suddenly worried. There was some dark stranger fading back into the shadows, all while bearing a truly horrified expression on his face dominated by a massive forehead. That same aghast demeanor was shared by both nerdgirl Willow and…oh, no…Cordelia herself whose incredibly expensive cat costume from Beverly Hills was in tatters.
Weirdest of all was how Slacker Harris wasn't appearing all that traumatized unlike the others. Oh, it was there, a little, but he was mostly showing off a sense of actual…glee?
Even more peculiar were the next words out of Harris in his cheap soldier costume, who then joyfully whooped towards one of the girls seated together in the vacant lot: "Harmony, babe! You just made my whole night! If you ever want a favor from me, no matter what, you got it!"
What the hell was he talking about?
A week later, Harmony went through Sunnydale High's front doors a half-hour before first period. Just like they'd done the last couple of days, every guy there in the main corridor suddenly conscious of her presence turned pale and sidled away, hands cupped protectively over their groins. Even the girls broke off their conversations about makeup and boy bands to warily eye someone definitely not to ever be messed with even if she was no longer part of the Cordettes.
Keeping her face calm, Harmony still felt an inner surge of sullen fury over being exiled by Queen C who'd then spread around the whole school via low-key gossip with the proper recipients the reason for it. While Cordelia quite approved of her underlings defending themselves from improper advances, a good, hard slap was usually more than enough.
Almost castrating a Halloween assailant went way beyond that.
Turning into the proper direction, Harmony headed to find the only people in school who knew the truth (now that it'd been explained to her about Sunnydale Syndrome making Cordy misrepresent the events of that recent holiday night).
Stepping into the library, the first thing Harmony heard was a cheerful "Hey!" from Buffy seated at the main table, stropping a certain magical knife which was on permanent loan to the Slayer because of its unique vampire-banishing properties from even the slightest slice of the blade. In addition, Harmony received a tentative wave of greeting from Willow still coming to grips over no longer being bullied by that tormentor since kindergarten, along with a placid nod from Oz also newly brought into the Scooby Gang.
Harmony's attention quickly shifted to where Mr. Giles was at his desk, examining a very memorable cowgirl Stetson laid out on the desktop. He smiled at the girl approaching him, motioning for her to pick up the Western hat and do what she'd made a habit of for the past week.
Stopping in front of the desk, Harmony reached down and then placed the hat on her head.
*Hello, dear.*
*Hi, Grandma!*
Actually, she was telepathically conversing with her great-great-grandmother, but they'd soon agreed on the shorter title.
*Have you done it yet?*
The others in the room interestedly watching it all saw Harmony's face shift into definite sheepishness.
*I just got here!*
*You promised for a whole year, remember? I'm not going to let any of my family get away with bullying, even if I can't give them a good switching!*
Harmony gulped, and then looked over at where Willow was at the table. "Uh, Willow, I want to say again that I'm totally sorry now for every mean thing I said and did to you when we were growing up."
The red-haired girl smirked a little at hearing those apologetic words. "Your great-great-grandma's getting to be a really big favorite with me. I'd bake her some cookies, if, you know, she wasn't kinda dead and not really here except for actually talking through your hat—"
Oz patiently leaned over and pressed his palm against Willow's mouth, cutting her off in mid-babble.
*I like her.*
Harmony just rolled her eyes. *Yeah, yeah. Anyway, is everything going okay for you?*
*Mr. Giles is being a proper gentleman. He finds researching me to be, in his term, a 'most fascinating process.' Apparently I'm a family spirit linked through the buckskins your grandmother made – I remember showing her my own when she was a little girl – along with the costume shop accessories you brought from that nefarious Englishman. That's as far as Mr. Giles has studied it, but this might be why I'm the only leftover part of those Halloween events except for your young man.*
Buffy, Willow, and even Oz and Giles all perked up a little at observing the abrupt deep blush now spreading on Harmony's countenance.
*He's not my young man!*
A ghostly voice speaking inside Harmony's head then turned into clear-cut dryness, *Oh, is that so, dear? You know we can sense how each of us really feels about someone. Myself for my darling Wilt and you for Alexander-*
*Xander!*
Harmony got an impression of genuine smugness radiating throughout her mind after blurting out this mental correction. She scowled upwards at the brim of her hat, only to be surprised in this pout by a hand unexpectedly patting the Stetson's crown gently several times.
That action was accompanied by Xander Harris coming out from the library bookshelves behind Harmony a moment ago now casually draping his arm around the girl's shoulders and drawing her into a hug while jauntily asking, "Hey, how's my favorite Kendall ladies today?"
*What a nice boy!*
Harmony groaned deep within herself. It'd been hard enough introducing Xander to her mom as the new boyfriend, but Grandma knew him to be much more than that. He'd kept more of his soldier memories than just about any other purchaser of Ethan Rayne's costumes and accessories besides Harmony, which included every admired vivid detail of a ridin', ropin', shootin', knifin' cowgirl.
In turn, Grandma explained to a dubious Harmony how a sweet, good-natured klutz could still be a brave and admired soldier who stole a tomboy's heart. An amiable teenage slacker the son of two drunks might have equally hidden depths, as seen by courageously supporting Buffy the Vampire Slayer in her nightly duty of protecting Sunnydale.
Thinking that over, Harmony turned her head to where Xander's face was only a few inches away. A naughty mood out of nowhere abruptly possessed that girl. Grandma found this funny? Well, let's see her laugh this off!
Reaching up to grab Xander by his ears, Harmony Kendall pulled him closer under her Stetson to thoroughly kiss his socks off.
At length, she finally let go of Xander, who swayed dazedly on his feet. Looking around at the flabbergasted others in the library, Xander next blurted out, "Please, Harmony, not in front of the G-man!"
Immediately recognizing a first-class straight line when it was offered, Rupert Giles acerbically murmured, "Yes, indeed, not in front of the G-man."
In her own level of existence, 'Wrangler' Jane Angelica Thrift, owner and operator of Fort Courage's trading post and ardent pursuer of a clueless Captain Wilton Parmenter commanding an Army base known as F Troop, was now howling with laughter.
Author's Note: Yup, it's a F Troop crossover. A friend reading it before I came up with the story title thought almost to the end that it was about Doris Day appearing in the 50's Western musical film known as Calamity Jane. That wasn't quite what I was trying for, but hey, whatever works. If any reader still didn't get it beforehand, I scattered more than enough clues throughout, starting with the title.
'No Lookout Towers Were Harmed During This Story': The show had a running gag at the beginning of most episodes when Fort Courage's lookout tower was brought crashing down to the ground, usually by a misfired cannonball.
'Wild West buckskins': Melody Patterson in her iconic outfit.
"…the lady whose maiden name had been Miss Thrift': That's indeed her original last name.
'…a former trading post owner…': Before her marriage, there was Wrangler Jane's Trading Post at Fort Courage.
…'two rapscallions of her acquaintance…': Also known as Sergeant O'Rourke and Corporal Agarn, a classic pair of military conmen.
'Even back home, the one time some European dude from Transylvania came into town claiming to be a vampire, it'd turned out to be completely false.' None other than Vincent Price himself is obviously having a blast hamming it up as Count Sforza (which is an Italian name, come to think of it) in that episode.
"Hullo, who brought along a banjo?" The Wrangler Jane character occasionally had her own theme music on the show; a banjo piece played to cue her entrances.
'Xander next blurted out, "Please, Harmony, not in front of the G-man!": Another running gag had Captain Parmenter bashfully saying whenever Wrangler Jane gave him a good smooch, "Please, Jane, not in front of the men."