Autor Note : Hi, it's the first time I write in english so there is probably some grammatical mistakes. But I hope it's correct anyway, and that you will enjoy !
Disclaimer : nope...
The Storm
You don't really know when it began, if it came all at once or progressively. All you know is that you are miserable.
And it's her fault.
It's her fault that you can't breathe normally when she steps into a room. Her fault if your heart misses beats and you sometime feel like you are having a heart attack. Her fault if a swarm of butterfly takes off in your stomach every time she talks to you even when she is scolding you.
And she doesn't even know it.
And okay, that's not really her fault, but despite your legendary recklessness you don't have masochist tendencies and telling her would be like allowing a jackhammer to stab you in the chest. Stupid and painful.
So you just throw snide comments that you don't mean most of the time her way. That's the only way you got her to notice you, it's either that or setting something on fire and the last option became kind of complicated since you don't have your solo magic anymore. That's her fault too, by the way!
Like if taking away your free will wasn't enough, she had to deprive you of the only thing that made you feel… yourself.
And you didn't even protest, she just had to ask with her condescending tone, her logically disputable arguments, and her way too bright eyes which make you feel like your burning inside.
And it's true, you could have said no, but after almost hurting her with your beautifully out of control storm you would have done anything for her to forgive you, for her to look at you differently that with annoyance and disappointment. For her to be happy.
Instead, all you could do was observing her while her world fell apart under her feet. But what's worse is that she did nothing to stop it, she just stayed on the side watching that peroxided bitch steal her dumb boyfriend.
And okay, you might have pushed Cassie to go after him, but who cares? In the end you're hurting as much as she is, seeing her moving on despite her broken heart while you're unable to do anything but stagnate is tearing you apart. Because you can't. You can't move on, not when she gives away her attention freely to anyone, even to the whore who stole her guy, but you, while you're the one spending your time trying hopelessly to get her to see you.
You feel like a five year old pulling the hair of his crush, and the fact that it is sort of accurate makes you the most pathetic person of your dysfunctional circle of loser.
But you can't help yourself, it's stronger than you. You need her eyes on you, and her voice aimed at you and being the reason she laugh for and the person whom she turns to when she needs comfort … and maybe you didn't really used the most appropriated method for earning those results. But whatever.
It's not like you spent your time hoping for her to wake up and see you as a possibility, you tried to forget her, to stop lov… feeling this way.
You used Jake as a distraction as much as possible even though it make you look completely pitiable when he shown interest in you merely in his lonely hours, if only he knew how much you don't care. You only choose him because he is the opposite of everything you want, of everything she is.
But it's like staying under water and refusing to go back for air, you struggle against the invisible grip trying to pull you up and you shout for it to let you sink because you tell yourself that if you stay under water long enough, where everything, even gravity is weakened, maybe it will have the same effect on your feelings. But it only last until water rushes into your lungs making you suffocate and your mind begin to shut off and it would be wonderful if only you weren't so terrified.
Not really the best metaphor with your antecedents but it's the only thing that you can think of which is comparable to the way you feel. You're terrified to live without her.
She is your oxygen, the air you breathe and it doesn't matter that she doesn't know, you know, and being close to her, even if it is for antagonizing her is enough for you to survive.
You just need her to be there, to keep you grounded, which is kind of ironic when she is the main reason for you to be so uncontrollable. But you don't have any other choice other than do as she says, with her Miss USA smile and her moral senses large enough for covering your lack of ethic.
She got an hold on you that you don't even try to understand anymore, and you fight it less and less because anyway every time you try it end up in drama, or in stuff catching fire. At least, when things like that happen she notices you… just not the way you want her to.
And you're tired, so tired of feeling this way. All that you want is staying locked up in your room with an unlimited stock of vanilla ice cream, cheap horror movies and to never go out. You wonder if there is a spell which could make that happens. And wow, if only Melissa saw you, she would probably call you hypocrite with the way you treated her after Nick's death.
Whatever, it's not like your depressed condition was permanent. It's just a thing which comes and goes at regular interval, last a few hours… or days and stays mostly inside, the only sign being your deplorable mood, which coincide well enough with your usual mood anyway.
Except, not really, because in those moment you feel like a hurricane is taking place in your mind and your mental health is hanging by a thread, all those thought and emotions swirling in you, it's not something you can handle. It's too much.
So you find yourself on the pier, closer and closer from the edge, in front of the unleashed sea. And it's not like you were going to jump, you're not stupid! It's just something which somehow happens to calm you, letting you know you're not the only thing tormented in this lost town.
The thunder growls and you absentmindedly wonder if maybe your mood is able to affect the weather. But if that was true it would mean that you've got your power back and of course that would be giving you one of the thing you long for. And if there is something you got used to it's never getting what you want. Not that it stop you trying when it regards your power. Only when it regards your power.
You hear someone calling your name while the lightning strike far away and the clouds more and more threatening let escape the first raindrops. For a second you think you've been hallucinating, but you hear it again, closer this time and before you can turn back to see who dared to interrupt you deep thought on how much your life sucks. You feel a hand grab your wrist and walk you away from the edge.
You know that it's her even before you cross her stare. You know it because no one else is able to give you goosebump and making the hair on your nape raise with a simple touch. Even whilst the air is loaded with that unique kind of electricity which only appears when a storm is ready to explode.
Your eyes dive in hers while you're absolutely defenseless, in one of your more vulnerable state and you inwardly curse her for choosing this moment for finally seeing you.
She raises one of her hands and place it on your cheek and you don't really understand what she is doing before you realize that the humidity on your face have nothing to do with the rain. You didn't even knew you were crying.
You try to turn your head, to make her let go but she hold you firmly and yet with all the sweetness that characterizes her, you've never understood how somebody could be so strong and so sweet at the same time but it's something she does naturally without noticing it… that's one of the thing you love about her.
You see her lips move and you hear the worried tone of her voice but you're incapable to focus on the meaning of the words leaving her mouth. You're too busy wondering how would taste her lips, or if they are as soft as they look.
But she shakes you delicately and you're obliged to report your stare on her eyes. She frowns, and you don't really know if it's because she is confused or worried, you don't really care, she looks adorable with this expression.
And that's when it hit you, the revelation isn't really a shock because you already knew, you just were too deep in deny for accepting it. But now, with her standing so close to you, her skin touching yours, looking at you like she truly care while a storm reflecting your emotional state, burst above your heads, drenching you completely in a matter of minutes, you can finally admit it.
You are hopelessly in love with Diana Meade.
You don't really know when it began, if it came all at once or progressively. All you know is that you are willing to do anything it takes for her to love you back.