SUMMARY: "If people can see right through my eyes, like an open door that I can't disguise…"
PAIRING: Mal/Inara
TIMELINE: Supposed to slot in right between Heart of Gold and Objects In Space
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. Really, I do. Nothing what-so-ever.
DISTRIBUTION: Uhh … if you want it, ask! I'll say yes. I don't remotely bite :D
DEDICATION: For Shirley. I asked my LJ flist to provide me with a Firefly character/pairing and some inspiration for drabbles … she gave me Mal/Inara and a free reign. It ended up being 1500+ words long. Some drabble!
Mal wasn't quite sure if it was women in general he couldn't figure out, or just Inara.
He'd never had any problems understanding Zoe. Ever since they met, they'd had a perfect understanding about how things were to be done, no questions asked, no unfortunate misunderstandings.
He couldn't understand River, but then, he had a feeling nobody really did, not even Simon. She was always at her sanest when you'd least expect it, and that confused him just a little bit.
Kaylee had her charms and her smiles, and feminine wiles of her own, though they differed quite a lot from Inara's, but he never thought of her as a woman. She was more like a little sister. Someone to be protected at all costs, but who didn't really need so much looking after, and she was keen on letting that be known.
It was definitely Inara that confounded him the most. Almost a year she'd been on his boat, and not once did he think she'd truly been honest with him about the things that mattered. She hid everything away inside, and while Mal was the first to admit that he wasn't exactly the feeling-sharing type, he'd expected more truth from Inara.
The closest she came was right before she told him she was leaving. It wasn't what he'd expected her to say, so when it came, it was like a punch in the gut. And he'd had plenty of those in his time, so if anyone were to know what that felt like, it would be Mal.
He closed his eyes as he looked down into the cargo bay. "There's something I should have done a long while ago," she'd said. Her face as she'd told him she was leaving was imprinted on his mind. Her eyes welling up, her lips pressed tightly together, before she'd turned, and fled.
He'd heard her tears as he'd walked past her room in the Heart of Gold, and he'd wanted nothing more than to ignore what everyone expected of him, run in, to console her and tell her he was sorry for hurting her; but that wouldn't be proper. And Inara was nothing if not proper. So he danced to her tune, and left everything be - and look where that had gotten him. Wash and Zoe had been giving him significant glances any time he and Inara were so much as in a room together for more than a month as it was. He was getting mighty annoyed with it all, too - generally, if he was ignoring something like that, he'd rather take his sweet time to bring it to his own attention. Not be poked and prodded and glanced to death by a couple who were, on occasion, insufferably loved-up.
Mal stood outside Inara's shuttle, his hand hovering an inch or two away from the door. He thought he could hear sniffling inside and didn't want to interrupt, but he knew that if he said nothing, she would be gone, and he would be moping around regretting it, and getting "told you so" looks from Zoe and Wash.
So he sucked in a breath and rapped his hand on the door. He heard a sharp intake of breath from beyond the door, followed by a short burst of coughing. Mal stood there uncomfortably, his hands behind his back, waiting for her to open it. When she did, her eyes widened in surprise. She clearly hadn't been expecting it to be the Captain, most likely due to the fact that he actually knocked.
"Mal." She smoothed down her skirt and ran a finger under each eye to make sure she didn't have mascara running down her face. "I was just-"
"Don't much need to know what you were just." He looked past her into the shuttle, then down at the floor, before finally making eye contact. "Unless the end of that sentence was going to be 'coming to tell you I didn't mean what I said before and of course I'll be on this boat for a long while to come.'"
It was Inara that looked away first. "No." She fixed her gaze on the floor.
Mal took a breath. She was really driving him to saying it - saying something very un-Malcolm Reynolds of him. "I don't want you to go."
"Mal, I have to."
"No, you don't!" He sighed, and lowered his voice. The last thing he'd come to do was get into yet another fight. "Having a companion on board, well … there are advantages that you would be depriving us of…" He floundered, looking for more excuses since it was clear that this one wasn't cutting it. "And Kaylee would miss you."
Inara's expression had changed from one of sadness, and she was now gritting her teeth, looking as though she were about to explode. None of the things he was hearing himself saying were anything like the things he'd intended to say when he knocked on her door. He took another one of those breaths that come before doing something utterly unlike anything you would ever normally do. "And I would miss you."
The anger that she'd built up during his last few sentences dropped out of her at that one. "I just … can't. I can't do this with you, Mal. It's better for both of us if I just go."
"And do I get any say in what's better for me at all?" He took a step towards her and gently put a hand to her cheek. He was taken aback when she didn't flinch and pull away, to the point where he almost pulled away himself in surprise. "If I recall, when you took this shuttle I agreed that your relationship with this crew - myself included - would stay professional. Back then, I figured it weren't too hard of a request to keep. Apparently I was wrong, but woman … It's not like I planned on … this." He took a risk and raised his other hand, too, this time brushing her hair back so that it fell behind her shoulder.
"On … what?" She whispered, shifting further towards him, barely registering what she was doing.
"Don't play games with me now, Inara."
She could feel his breath on her face and he was right, they'd been playing games for far too long. Dancing round each other but always ending up in the same spot. Right now, at this minute, all she could think was that she'd had enough of always doing what was expected of her. She was going to do what she wanted to do for a change. So she reached up and tugged on Mal's collar, bringing his face down to hers and kissed him gently.
"I said, don't play games," he muttered, as they broke apart.
She rolled her eyes and pulled him softly towards the bed. "Playing games is all we've been doing since I arrived, Mal. I think it's time we ended all of that, don't you?"
She kissed him again and this time he didn't need telling twice. He let his left arm drop to her waist and let it lie there, returning the kiss. As Inara tugged at the buttons on his shirt, untucking it and then pulling it off his shoulders completely, she smiled one of the warmest smiles he'd ever seen her give. Of the ones that had been directed towards him, at the least.
He fumbled slightly with her dress - part out of nerves and disbelief that he was actually doing this, here, with this woman, and part because this particular woman wore such fancy dresses that he couldn't work the gorram clasp.
Inara giggled as he grunted in frustration, and that made him smile, too. She undid the dress with ridiculous ease, and he blushed as it slipped to the floor.
Mal awoke the next morning to the sound of Inara's breathing beside him. He was lying face down, one arm stuck uncomfortably under his head and the other flung loosely across Inara's waist. Unsure if she was awake, he shifted slightly onto his side, and gently pulled his arm a little tighter around her.
She turned onto her back at this, and as his fingers trailed across her stomach, she curled herself closer to him. They both lay there, enjoying the silence, all too aware of what would have to come next.
"I still have to leave." Inara spoke first, softly and slowly, fracturing the silence after a good fifteen minutes.
Mal rolled onto his back, breaking the contact between the two of them and staring up at the ceiling. He idly wondered if he'd ever be able to stop this shuttle from smelling like her, with all her fancy perfumes and incense. Or if he wanted to. "I know."
And he did. Much as he didn't want her to go, the longer she stayed, the further they'd end up sliding down a slope to something neither of them could commit to. So he told her she could go, and he said he wouldn't tell anyone she was leaving, because she was afraid Kaylee would try (and possibly succeed) to talk her out of it.
So Inara got up and dressed, and Mal followed. He walked out of her shuttle, not daring to give her the one last kiss that he wanted to give, in case it pushed him over the edge.
Two weeks later he found himself listening to Inara telling him she didn't want to draw this out. Two weeks in which not only had been unable to tell his crew she was leaving, but he'd also had to act exactly the same as he always did around her, so as not to arouse undue suspicion. He thought they might possibly have been the longest two weeks of his life. And she was the one telling him she didn't want to draw this out.
No, neither did he.