Remembering You
You were always there for me…but now you're gone. Thoughts of you flood my mind and just as quickly they slip away. I try to grab on to some; though they are painful, memories are all you left me with.
Your voice, your smile- they are hauntingly beautiful to me now. From the very first word, I was captivated. Your enormous vocabulary, the way you treated words as if they were priceless. Now it's gone- never to be heard again. Your wide grin that could light up a room, the way you could persuade me to do almost anything by just using that enticing smile. Now that, too, is lost forever. My mind drifts to your last day. How you must have felt, I cannot even begin to imagine. I think of how you must have left…your last moments were utterly unfit for someone so amazing as you.
And then, against my will, an image appears before my eyes. You are standing there, a complete slave to your emotions. You inhale deeply, as if to preserve a taste of the room around you. Hands shaking, you unlock the drawer and take out the forbidden object. It lands on the desk with a clang, and you cringe away. We both know the last thing you want is a confrontation. The object lies there stark against the desk, a solid reminder of why we're here. "Oh, Todd," you say into the dark. "I'm so tired. Tired of pretending to be something I'm not. Tired of being repressed with I try to speak out. Tired of living the same old routine, when I know that it's not what I want. Tired of being so meek that I allow myself to be manipulated. The things inside me aren't even me anymore! Everything I feel, everything I am- is my father. He is the one in control. He has a hold of me. Mind, body, and soul. I've become a puppet." You sigh and run a hand over your face. "So I'm cutting the strings. If he has hold of my life, then…I'm going to take it." I gasp, but you don't notice- it's like you're talking to a ghost. "I'm through pretending, Todd. My whole life has been a play! I want to live, even if that means I must die. Even though I still want to be here with everyone…especially you…please understand. I have no other option! I need to get out, and I need to do it now. If I don't, I may never have the chance again." You close your eyes, and suddenly I realize what's happening. "I won't let you do this to yourself! I can't. I can't live without you. Please don't!" But as before, you cannot seem to hear me. I can only stand there helpless as you pick of the object again and bring it close to you. I squeeze my eyes shut, bracing myself for the sound…
My body gives a jolt, and my eyes are forced open. I lay awake in my bed, breathing hard. My chest heaves, and my forehead is clammy. As I take stock of what I've just seen, tears flow from my eyes. "I m-must have fallen asleep while I was thinking, and my brain took over." I chuckled nervously, trying to reassure myself. "Just a dream, Todd." But as my eyes drift to the empty room, I remember that it was partly true. "You really are gone. I was hoping last week was a dream." I sighed and sat up in bed. "Wait a second. If the rest was real, does that mean…" I gazed up at the ceiling, fresh tears threatening to spill from my already red eyes. "Did you really say those things? Did you really care for me as much as I cared for you?" I looked up a moment more and then realized how stupid I sounded, even to my own ears. I shook my head and finally emerged from the bed. "Are you really so stupid as to think it's real? C'mon, Todd. That's kid stuff."
But as I looked out onto the snowy hills, a peaceful feeling came over me. It was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. My insides felt tingly, like there was something else in my veins besides blood. The feeling spread throughout my entire body, cleansing me. It left a feeling of calm and contentment. I exhaled, not wanting it to leave. But to my surprise, it stayed. All through the morning, I felt a peaceful presence inside me. During breakfast I nearly covered the table with oatmeal as I realized the possibility of what it might be. My spoon had dropped to my mouth, and now I stared wide-eyed at the thought that had just come into my head. "It couldn't be…could it?" As stupid and cliché as it sounds, I knew it was true. I felt my insides tingle again, and I was certain you were there with me. I didn't know if what you had said in my dream was true or not, but I wasn't going to let that trouble me. I could feel you inside me, and knew that you would always be there.
As I made my way to class, I no longer felt alone. Even when I saw your empty desk, I did not feel sadness. Instead, I felt a great joy. I had the privilege of knowing you, of being your closest friend. I was blessed with your presence, and I would live out the rest of my life remembering you.