The Story of Harry Potter
Author's Notes:
This is my first Harry Potter fan fiction. Please be nice. Pretty please with cherries on top. (
No thanks to James, who kept distracting me as I was trying to write this. You'd better watch out for flying bottles.
I don't own Harry Potter or anything in it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Narrator: Hello. I'm a British person, and so automatically an expert on Harry Potter. This is the story of Harry's life before he went to Hogwarts.
J.K. Rowling: Hey! I didn't authorise this! I demand you stop right now!
Narrator: Security!
(Two large men appear and drag J. K. Rowling away by her arms)
J. K. Rowling: You can't do this!! I'll be back!!
Narrator: Ahem, sorry about that. Now, this completely official program examines the life of Harry Potter, from the moment he went to live with the Dursleys to the moment the first book begins.
(Guy holding a clipboard whispers something in the narrator's ear)
Narrator: Really? It starts at the beginning? What kind of stupid, lame.. Oh, you're still filming. Well, then I guess this documentary examines the bits of Harry's life that were missed out of the first book. (pause) That doesn't sound as good.
(Cut to Harry who is sitting in a chair. A man is pulling a black bag off his head)
Harry: Where am I?
Narrator: Hello Mr Potter. Answer our questions and we'll let you go.
Harry: No. I refuse to co-operate.
Narrator: Answer our questions or your broomstick gets it.
(Cut to Harry's broomstick with a chainsaw dangerously close)
Harry: Okay! Okay! Just don't hurt Boltie.
Narrator: Boltie? Okay then. So, Harry, how did the Dursleys react when they realised they had to look after you?
Harry: Er, I don't remember.
Narrator: Well, you're a bit useless aren't you? Fortunately we have a clip, so we can see for ourselves.
(Cut to clip of Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia screaming into the camera.)
Narrator: Such a happy family. Now, Harry. Tell us a bit about your childhood.
Harry: Okay, well I slept in the cupboard under the stairs.
Narrator: Yes, we know that. What about interesting things? Did your uncle ever attempt to sell you as slave labour? Did your aunt ever slip cyanide into your food?
Harry: Well, now that I think about it, probably.
Narrator: And what about your trip to the beach when you were five?
Harry: How do you know so much about me?
Narrator: Hidden spy cameras have been following your every move since you were born. So, what was the trip like?
Harry: Well, we went to.
Narrator: Yes, thank you Harry. And on this trip something terrible happened, didn't it?
Harry: Yes! Dudley kicked my sand castle over (tears well up in his eyes)
Narrator: Actually I was referring to your uncle attempting to drown you.
Harry: Oh that! He explained, he wasn't attempting to drown me. He was trying to teach me to swim!
Narrator: Right.
(Cut to clip of Uncle Vernon carrying Harry out to sea, dropping him and walking back.)
Narrator: Fortunately for young Harry, there were plenty of lifeguards nearby
(Cut to clip of lifeguards running into sea a la Baywatch)
Narrator: Unfortunately for him, they couldn't swim
(Cut to clip of lifeguards floundering in the shallow water)
Narrator: And nearly drowning wasn't the end of Harry's worries
Guy with clipboard: Hey! You didn't say how he survived!
Narrator: Oh, right. Um, magic. He's a wizard, right, so he saved himself with magic.
(Narrator looks around nervously. Everyone else looks at him with disbelievingly)
Narrator: Ok fine! We don't know how he survived! Happy now? In fact I think Jean in research may have just made the story up on the spot! Is that what you want to hear??
(Cut to a Jean in research. Jean laughs nervously)
Jean: It did happen! Would I make that up?
(Jean looks around nervously, just like the narrator did)
(Cut back to narrator)
Narrator: Well, ok then. Moving swiftly on.
Guy with clipboard: Hey, if you made it up, how did Harry know about it?
Harry: It did happen! I was rescued by a dolphin!
Narrator: Yeah Harry, sure you were! Anyway, Harry started school that same year. He and Dudley went to Pepsi first school.
(Cut to clip of Harry and Dudley at school. They are walking into a classroom, with Pepsi bottles at every table.)
Teacher: Welcome children! Don't you all love Pepsi?
(Cut to Harry)
Harry: Hey! I don't remember that!
Narrator: Shut up.
(Cut back to classroom)
Teacher: Pepsi, delicious and far, far better than Coca Cola. Everyone should drink Pepsi. Pepsi rules!
(Cut to Harry)
Harry: By any chance would Pepsi be sponsoring this 'documentary'?
Narrator: (with a bottle of Pepsi on his desk) What? Us sponsored by that wonderful soft drink? No, of course not.
Harry: Can we change the subject? I prefer Coca Cola anyway.
Narrator: No you don't.
(Cut to Harry's broomstick, the chainsaw is getting closer)
Harry: No I don't. Pepsi is the best, without a doubt. Go Pepsi!
Narrator: Thank you. Now, we move on to Harry's first kiss
Harry: I haven't kissed anyone yet.
Narrator: But that's not interesting. So, here is the story of Harry's first kiss.
(Cut to Pepsi school. Harry and a girl are standing at opposite ends of the playground.)
(Harry and the girl start to run to each other with their arms wide open)
Harry: Cathy!
Cathy: Harry!
(Cathy and Harry run to each other and start kissing passionately)
(Cut to Harry)
Harry: Come on! This is supposed to be in first school!! We wouldn't be kissing like that at this age!
Narrator: Whatever. So, Harry, what was your first kiss like?
Harry: I told you! It hasn't happened! You just made that clip up!
Narrator: Shy are we Harry? We'll forgive you for that.
(Cut to Harry banging his head on a nearby wall.)
Narrator: Tough break-up Harry? Lots of shouting? Crying? Maybe a bit of revenge?
Harry: I told you. You made it up!
Narrator: Oh, yeah. (Grins evilly.) Harry's relationship with his childhood sweetheart Cathy was short. A few days later, he caught her in bed with his best friend Jonathan.
Harry: In bed? She's five!! And I didn't have a best friend.
Narrator: We made it up remember? Harry was consumed with rage
(Cut to clip of Harry standing in front of bed.)
Young Harry: I am so angry.
(Cut to narrator)
Narrator: I said consumed with rage.
(Cut to Harry standing in front of bed.)
Young Harry: (Screaming) How could you? I'll kill you both!
(Young Harry launches himself at Jonathan and they fight, while Cathy lies in bed, holding the sheets up to her chest.)
(Cut to narrator)
Narrator: After the fight, Harry and Jonathan never spoke again. This has long been held as the reason Harry had no friends.
Harry: Hey! I have no friends because of Dudley. Didn't you read the book?
Narrator: Harry went through Pepsi first school alone and unloved. Middle school was not much better for the poor lad.
(Cut to Harry at middle school. Harry is standing in a classroom looking very pathetic and alone)
Narrator: Poor Harry had a terrible time at middle school. He was bullied and ridiculed and suffered from chronic depression.
Harry: No I didn't!
Narrator: It's more interesting this way.
(Cut to Harry in the toilets at middle school, crying.)
Young Harry: Boo hoo! I have such a terrible life. My parents are dead, my family is horrible and Buster Biggs took my lunch money.
(Cut to Harry)
Harry: Buster Biggs? That is such a clichéd name!
(Cut to Young Harry)
Young Harry: I have no friends, and there's nothing special about me at all. I really wish I had an interesting secret, like being a famous wizard. But that will never happen!
(Cut to Harry.)
Harry: Oh, that's just ridiculous! You know I'd never have said that.
Narrator: (Ignoring him) Little Harry didn't know it, but his dream was about to come true.
Harry: Oh please!
Narrator: A few years later, Harry woke up to another normal day of working in his uncle's shoe factory.
Harry: I never worked in my uncle's shoe factory. My uncle doesn't even have a shoe factory! He sells drills!
Narrator: But then the letter arrived, the one from Hogwarts. Harry opened it excitedly.
(Cut to Harry in factory opening the letter.)
Harry: Yes! I'm a wizard! Uncle Vernon, you can take this job and shove it!
(Cut to Harry.)
Harry: You're re-writing the book now.
Narrator: Who cares? My version is better anyway.
Harry: No it's not! Why on earth would I announce that I'm a wizard in front of a factory full of people?
Narrator: You just don't understand me. It's tough being a genius; nobody appreciates you until you're dead.
Harry: (Smiles) Do you want me to make people appreciate you?
Narrator: Watch it boy. I'm just about to talk about when you get run over on your way to the station.
(J. K. Rowling bursts in the doors.)
J. K. Rowling: I told you I'd be back! I won't let you do this to my baby!
Harry: Hurrah!
J. K. Rowling: I have at my disposal the most deadly weapons in the universe.
Narrator: Nuclear bombs?
Harry: The Avada Kedavra curse?
Guy with clipboard: Tipp-ex?
Everyone: Huh?
J. K. Rowling: No! Lawyers!
(A dozen lawyers follow her in)
Narrator: No! Not the lawyers! Not the lawyers!
(Narrator collapses into a gibbering wreck.)
J. K. Rolwing: Harry? Are you all right?
Harry: Yeah, thanks.
J. K. Rowling: Here, take your broomstick and go. I'm very sorry about all this. To make up for it, I'll let you pick one event to happen in the next book.
Harry: Um, how about my parents are revived and we live happily ever after?
J. K. Rowling: Er, well. I'm not making any promises. How about I turn Draco into a ferret instead?
Harry: Yeah, that would be even better!
(Harry flies away on his broomstick.)
J. K. Rowling: Take him away boys.
Lawyer 1: You know we could probably sue you for saying that.
J. K. Rowling: Sorry. Sorry.
(Lawyers carry out narrator and J. K. Rowling follows.)
Guy with clipboard: Goodbye for now. Join us next week as we examine Hermione's life as a Muggle.
(Cut to clip of two men sneaking up on Hermione with a black bag.)
Author's Notes:
This is my first Harry Potter fan fiction. Please be nice. Pretty please with cherries on top. (
No thanks to James, who kept distracting me as I was trying to write this. You'd better watch out for flying bottles.
I don't own Harry Potter or anything in it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Narrator: Hello. I'm a British person, and so automatically an expert on Harry Potter. This is the story of Harry's life before he went to Hogwarts.
J.K. Rowling: Hey! I didn't authorise this! I demand you stop right now!
Narrator: Security!
(Two large men appear and drag J. K. Rowling away by her arms)
J. K. Rowling: You can't do this!! I'll be back!!
Narrator: Ahem, sorry about that. Now, this completely official program examines the life of Harry Potter, from the moment he went to live with the Dursleys to the moment the first book begins.
(Guy holding a clipboard whispers something in the narrator's ear)
Narrator: Really? It starts at the beginning? What kind of stupid, lame.. Oh, you're still filming. Well, then I guess this documentary examines the bits of Harry's life that were missed out of the first book. (pause) That doesn't sound as good.
(Cut to Harry who is sitting in a chair. A man is pulling a black bag off his head)
Harry: Where am I?
Narrator: Hello Mr Potter. Answer our questions and we'll let you go.
Harry: No. I refuse to co-operate.
Narrator: Answer our questions or your broomstick gets it.
(Cut to Harry's broomstick with a chainsaw dangerously close)
Harry: Okay! Okay! Just don't hurt Boltie.
Narrator: Boltie? Okay then. So, Harry, how did the Dursleys react when they realised they had to look after you?
Harry: Er, I don't remember.
Narrator: Well, you're a bit useless aren't you? Fortunately we have a clip, so we can see for ourselves.
(Cut to clip of Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia screaming into the camera.)
Narrator: Such a happy family. Now, Harry. Tell us a bit about your childhood.
Harry: Okay, well I slept in the cupboard under the stairs.
Narrator: Yes, we know that. What about interesting things? Did your uncle ever attempt to sell you as slave labour? Did your aunt ever slip cyanide into your food?
Harry: Well, now that I think about it, probably.
Narrator: And what about your trip to the beach when you were five?
Harry: How do you know so much about me?
Narrator: Hidden spy cameras have been following your every move since you were born. So, what was the trip like?
Harry: Well, we went to.
Narrator: Yes, thank you Harry. And on this trip something terrible happened, didn't it?
Harry: Yes! Dudley kicked my sand castle over (tears well up in his eyes)
Narrator: Actually I was referring to your uncle attempting to drown you.
Harry: Oh that! He explained, he wasn't attempting to drown me. He was trying to teach me to swim!
Narrator: Right.
(Cut to clip of Uncle Vernon carrying Harry out to sea, dropping him and walking back.)
Narrator: Fortunately for young Harry, there were plenty of lifeguards nearby
(Cut to clip of lifeguards running into sea a la Baywatch)
Narrator: Unfortunately for him, they couldn't swim
(Cut to clip of lifeguards floundering in the shallow water)
Narrator: And nearly drowning wasn't the end of Harry's worries
Guy with clipboard: Hey! You didn't say how he survived!
Narrator: Oh, right. Um, magic. He's a wizard, right, so he saved himself with magic.
(Narrator looks around nervously. Everyone else looks at him with disbelievingly)
Narrator: Ok fine! We don't know how he survived! Happy now? In fact I think Jean in research may have just made the story up on the spot! Is that what you want to hear??
(Cut to a Jean in research. Jean laughs nervously)
Jean: It did happen! Would I make that up?
(Jean looks around nervously, just like the narrator did)
(Cut back to narrator)
Narrator: Well, ok then. Moving swiftly on.
Guy with clipboard: Hey, if you made it up, how did Harry know about it?
Harry: It did happen! I was rescued by a dolphin!
Narrator: Yeah Harry, sure you were! Anyway, Harry started school that same year. He and Dudley went to Pepsi first school.
(Cut to clip of Harry and Dudley at school. They are walking into a classroom, with Pepsi bottles at every table.)
Teacher: Welcome children! Don't you all love Pepsi?
(Cut to Harry)
Harry: Hey! I don't remember that!
Narrator: Shut up.
(Cut back to classroom)
Teacher: Pepsi, delicious and far, far better than Coca Cola. Everyone should drink Pepsi. Pepsi rules!
(Cut to Harry)
Harry: By any chance would Pepsi be sponsoring this 'documentary'?
Narrator: (with a bottle of Pepsi on his desk) What? Us sponsored by that wonderful soft drink? No, of course not.
Harry: Can we change the subject? I prefer Coca Cola anyway.
Narrator: No you don't.
(Cut to Harry's broomstick, the chainsaw is getting closer)
Harry: No I don't. Pepsi is the best, without a doubt. Go Pepsi!
Narrator: Thank you. Now, we move on to Harry's first kiss
Harry: I haven't kissed anyone yet.
Narrator: But that's not interesting. So, here is the story of Harry's first kiss.
(Cut to Pepsi school. Harry and a girl are standing at opposite ends of the playground.)
(Harry and the girl start to run to each other with their arms wide open)
Harry: Cathy!
Cathy: Harry!
(Cathy and Harry run to each other and start kissing passionately)
(Cut to Harry)
Harry: Come on! This is supposed to be in first school!! We wouldn't be kissing like that at this age!
Narrator: Whatever. So, Harry, what was your first kiss like?
Harry: I told you! It hasn't happened! You just made that clip up!
Narrator: Shy are we Harry? We'll forgive you for that.
(Cut to Harry banging his head on a nearby wall.)
Narrator: Tough break-up Harry? Lots of shouting? Crying? Maybe a bit of revenge?
Harry: I told you. You made it up!
Narrator: Oh, yeah. (Grins evilly.) Harry's relationship with his childhood sweetheart Cathy was short. A few days later, he caught her in bed with his best friend Jonathan.
Harry: In bed? She's five!! And I didn't have a best friend.
Narrator: We made it up remember? Harry was consumed with rage
(Cut to clip of Harry standing in front of bed.)
Young Harry: I am so angry.
(Cut to narrator)
Narrator: I said consumed with rage.
(Cut to Harry standing in front of bed.)
Young Harry: (Screaming) How could you? I'll kill you both!
(Young Harry launches himself at Jonathan and they fight, while Cathy lies in bed, holding the sheets up to her chest.)
(Cut to narrator)
Narrator: After the fight, Harry and Jonathan never spoke again. This has long been held as the reason Harry had no friends.
Harry: Hey! I have no friends because of Dudley. Didn't you read the book?
Narrator: Harry went through Pepsi first school alone and unloved. Middle school was not much better for the poor lad.
(Cut to Harry at middle school. Harry is standing in a classroom looking very pathetic and alone)
Narrator: Poor Harry had a terrible time at middle school. He was bullied and ridiculed and suffered from chronic depression.
Harry: No I didn't!
Narrator: It's more interesting this way.
(Cut to Harry in the toilets at middle school, crying.)
Young Harry: Boo hoo! I have such a terrible life. My parents are dead, my family is horrible and Buster Biggs took my lunch money.
(Cut to Harry)
Harry: Buster Biggs? That is such a clichéd name!
(Cut to Young Harry)
Young Harry: I have no friends, and there's nothing special about me at all. I really wish I had an interesting secret, like being a famous wizard. But that will never happen!
(Cut to Harry.)
Harry: Oh, that's just ridiculous! You know I'd never have said that.
Narrator: (Ignoring him) Little Harry didn't know it, but his dream was about to come true.
Harry: Oh please!
Narrator: A few years later, Harry woke up to another normal day of working in his uncle's shoe factory.
Harry: I never worked in my uncle's shoe factory. My uncle doesn't even have a shoe factory! He sells drills!
Narrator: But then the letter arrived, the one from Hogwarts. Harry opened it excitedly.
(Cut to Harry in factory opening the letter.)
Harry: Yes! I'm a wizard! Uncle Vernon, you can take this job and shove it!
(Cut to Harry.)
Harry: You're re-writing the book now.
Narrator: Who cares? My version is better anyway.
Harry: No it's not! Why on earth would I announce that I'm a wizard in front of a factory full of people?
Narrator: You just don't understand me. It's tough being a genius; nobody appreciates you until you're dead.
Harry: (Smiles) Do you want me to make people appreciate you?
Narrator: Watch it boy. I'm just about to talk about when you get run over on your way to the station.
(J. K. Rowling bursts in the doors.)
J. K. Rowling: I told you I'd be back! I won't let you do this to my baby!
Harry: Hurrah!
J. K. Rowling: I have at my disposal the most deadly weapons in the universe.
Narrator: Nuclear bombs?
Harry: The Avada Kedavra curse?
Guy with clipboard: Tipp-ex?
Everyone: Huh?
J. K. Rowling: No! Lawyers!
(A dozen lawyers follow her in)
Narrator: No! Not the lawyers! Not the lawyers!
(Narrator collapses into a gibbering wreck.)
J. K. Rolwing: Harry? Are you all right?
Harry: Yeah, thanks.
J. K. Rowling: Here, take your broomstick and go. I'm very sorry about all this. To make up for it, I'll let you pick one event to happen in the next book.
Harry: Um, how about my parents are revived and we live happily ever after?
J. K. Rowling: Er, well. I'm not making any promises. How about I turn Draco into a ferret instead?
Harry: Yeah, that would be even better!
(Harry flies away on his broomstick.)
J. K. Rowling: Take him away boys.
Lawyer 1: You know we could probably sue you for saying that.
J. K. Rowling: Sorry. Sorry.
(Lawyers carry out narrator and J. K. Rowling follows.)
Guy with clipboard: Goodbye for now. Join us next week as we examine Hermione's life as a Muggle.
(Cut to clip of two men sneaking up on Hermione with a black bag.)