Bible Screw Ups
1
In the beginning God was bored. He was bored of sitting in darkness. So he created a Hooker named Agnessa. But Agnessa gave birth to a son who decided to call Jesus. Agnessa died during childbirth. Jesus soon took up drinking he drank so much that everyone called him Russian Jesus. When Jesus was 21 he changed his name to Russian Jesus. His father greatly displeased and threw his sons favorite ball out the window the ball floated aimlessly in space for 1000 years. Russian Jesus threw a Molotov cocktail at his ball crating a massive explosion he called this explosion The Big Bang.
2
What should we call this? Asked God ummmmm the Earth replied Russian Jesus with a smirk. Pointing to his ball which by this time had collected some water. Then land formed then God made some Animals to populate the Earth. Then Russian Jesus spilled some of his dad's dangerous chemicals. That made Adam. God was pissed off at Russian Jesus so he grounded his son for 40,000 years. Then he made Adam a companion he called her Eve. Then he kicked Adam and Eve out the Garden of Eden because Adam had impregnated Eve. Then he left Adam and Eve to themselves for about 3000 years then asked a random person named Noah to build an Ark so the Animals would be spared Noah asked if his family could survive as well. God waited for three decades then said to Noah ummmmm I guess. Noah by this time was 90 so flooded the Earth then a Heavenly Firebird appeared and declared 'like yo I am here directions' Noah being senile said to his wife did he say erections. The Heavenly Firebird and Noah get argument for 7 days. Then God shipwrecked the Ark.
3
God had shipwrecked the ark on Sodor Island where a princess lived who ruled with an iron fist her name was LydeaBlaze. She decided that bunch creationists couldn't shipwreck on her Island and get away with it. LydeaBlaze sent her talking trains to flatten the survivors. Luckily the Heavenly Firebird warned them of the coming danger. God magically teleported them to the safety of a nearby field. Just then the Forwards and Backwards parade marched through the field. God realising his mistake teleported them to Ancient Rome. All the survivors died. God decided that he would impregnated a virgin he decided that Mary the local virgin and her husband would have to do since Mary was the only virgin in the land and he was too lazy to bother looking elsewhere.
4
Mary was sleeping peacefully when a loud booming voice spoke. In the name of the Father Son and me The Holy Spirit you will give birth to a son who will die at the age of 30 you must call him Jesus. If I don't asked Mary trembling THEN YOU WILL DIE boomed the Holy Spirit. And with that voice was no more. Joseph rolled over in his sleep and murmured honey stop yelling you stupid bitch.