Philadelphia, PA
11:06 AM
On a Monday
Dennis and Mac are at the bar, drinking a beer. Frank is in office. Charlie is in basement bashing rats with the spiked bat he got as a surprise gift.
Dennis
Shut up, Mac, why do you keep throwing that in my face?
Mac
I'm just saying that you married Maureen. You intended on being with her for life.
Dennis
Yeah, OK, how many women have you dated, homo?
Mac
I am straight as an arrow bro, I banged your mom!
Dee walks in front door.
Dee:
Hey-oh! I got a girls' day out with Artemis. Going to see Thundergun 2. I hear they used a stand in for the dong shot this time, but still worth watching, I think.
Dennis
She used you to get back at Frank, dude. It doesn't get more pathetic than that.
Dee
You guys?
Mac
Shut up, bird. (pointing at Dennis) She still banged me, dude. Maureen was a just another notch in the belt. Marriage was just a way for you to get in her pants. I mean didn't you record the two of you having sex?
Dennis
Ugh, don't remind me. That was one of the tapes I forgot to destroy. Maureen would've rated me five stars, for sure.
Mac
Well, now you're just kidding yourself.
Dennis
I am not... I am a five star man!
Dee's phone rings.
Dee
Hang on, guys.
Mac
Dee, we are trying to have a conversation.
Dee
Eat shit, Mac. (answering phone, it is Artemis) Hello?
Dee sits at an empty booth. Charlie walks in, still holding the bat.
Charlie
Alright, that should take care of the rats for the next couple hours.
Mac
Hey, Charlie, can you help us settle something?
Charlie
Oh sure, is it about bird law again? I could tell you a lot about rats, too, and I have an idea that might get rid of them once and for all.
Dennis
Why do you think we keep you around, Charlie? You're certainly the best at killing small rodents.
Mac
You're and expert, dude.
Charlie
C'mon, man, we're colleagues here at Paddy's. I mean, shares, aside...
Mac
Not this again.
Charlie
I'm just saying, I don't mind doing all the "Charlie work", but I'm more than just the janitor. I'm a business owner, entrepreneur, I wrote a musical, and I'm courting the waitress. I got a lot going on for me, so I deserve mutual respect. I'm so sick of having to bring this up all the time, because I've got lots to do... and what if I was saying the same shit to you Dennis or Mac...and I think that you're both assholes, a-and, you know what, nevermind, what's the disagreement?
Dennis
(Looks toward Mac, Dennis is lightly amused) "Courting" the waitress. That's interesting.
Mac
We're trying to figure out if Dennis ever really cared for Maureen, or if he was just marrying her to divorce her as soon as he got laid.
Dennis
You're trying to figure that out, Mac. I told you, she means nothing to me and I just got caught up in the moment, because sometimes, inevitably, I fall prey to my own charm.
Charlie
Well, this brings up a good point, Dennis. Why did you marry Maureen on the same day you reunited? I mean, at least Frank and I knew each other awhile. I've courted the waitress for years, so it won't be weird or surprising when I propose again and she says yes.
Mac
Actually, that would be very surprising.
Dennis
(chuckles) Yeah, it's more likely she'd kill herself.
Charlie
Screw you, man, I'm out of here. I'm going to see the waitress. She gets off soon. (Puts bat behind bar and leaves through from door. Dennis picks up the bat as soon as Charlie is gone.)
Dennis
I forgot how well we made this, man.
Mac
Yeah, we used the right amount of nails and chains. This thing is bad ass, dude! Hey, I wonder if I could make a Project Badass video of me taking a few hits to the chest.
Dennis
That is genius, bro. Get the camera.
Mac
Badass time! (starts to get up from stool)
Dee
(Walks up while Mac is standing) You guys, Artemis just called. You won't believe this, but Charlie won't be seeing the waitress today. He'll probably be over this obsession for good soon.
Mac
I don't think that will ever happen.
Dennis
Yeah, what could possibly make Charlie give up on the waitress?
TITLE
THE WAITRESS COMMITS SUICIDE.
Dee, Dennis, Mac and Frank are in office. Frank is seated behind desk.
Dee
So Artemis told me she O'D-ed on prescription pills.
Mac
On purpose?
Dee
Not sure. Apparently, she's off the wagon again. She and Artemis started palling around and the waitress was able to handle the drinking for awhile, then she took ecstasy one night and that was it. She was on anti-depressives, and took too many.
Frank
Anti-depressive meds? For what?
Dennis
Well, I assume it comes from working as a waitress, which is a very thankless job. She's been stalked by Charlie for years, and her other romantic relationships haven't been too great. I mean, she's obsessed with me for some reason. I still don't get what Charlie sees in her.
Mac
She's forgettable, that's for sure. Would you believe she wouldn't bang me?
Dee
Yeah, I believe that, Mac. Hey, you guys remember that asshole Brad Fisher? He was engaged to the waitress and then to me and he just dumped us before the wedding. Thank God Charlie gave him the box of hornets. The whole thing was just devastating to me.
Frank
Now hold on. Charlie has approached this girl in what some consider socially unacceptable ways, but he has a right to pursue that happiness! If he finds out she's dead, he'll go insane. He talks to me about the waitress a lot. It's poetic. He would never hurt her, but he might blame himself and others for this happening.
Mac
Oh, I think I get it.
Dee
Good, because it sounded like Frank just said that stalking's OK.
Dennis
You just wish you had a stalker, bird.
Mac
What Frank's saying is that Charlie may go postal on this place, on all of us!
Frank
Right, and her dying, by suicide, no less, is going to make it worse than if she was just getting married. He might make a jihad tape for real this time!
Dennis
I do believe Charlie might be that crazy.
Dee
Well, she's not dead yet, technically. She's in a coma at the hospital. She may or may not make it.
Frank
Well that's a little better. OK, I'm going to call Charlie and take him under the bridge. Duncan and the guys will help get his mind off things.
Mac
You gonna put acid in his beer again?
Frank
Probably.
Dee
I'm going to meet Artemis.
Frank
Good. See what you can find out. The sooner the waitress is better, the sooner we can get back to normal.
Mac and Dennis begin their work on the new Project Badass video. They are in the alley behind the bar.
Mac
Usually Charlie tapes these, but this should be fun.
Dennis
Yup, this bat should make quite the interesting video. You're not concerned about the dried up rat blood, or all this dirt on the...
Mac
Makes it more badass.
Dennis
Ah, yeah that makes sense.
Mac
OK, I'm thinking I'll wear the motorcycle helmet. You bash me a few times. See, it won't hurt that with the helmet on.
Dennis
Right. Now after that I was thinking one hit to the leg, then a big one right in the chest. (He motions accordingly) Oh, and why don't you wear that duster?
Mac
Dude! You are a genius. This is why we're best friends.
Dennis
Well, let's just see how this goes.
Mac
OK, start rolling.
Dennis
You're on.
VIDEO
Mac
Hello, Philadelphia. I'm Mac and this is another installment of Project Badass! Behold, the spiked bat. I will take hits to the head, leg and torso. 1... 2... 3... Badass...
Dennis runs in frame and whacks Mac in the head. Mac falls over.
Mac
What the fuck, dude?
Dennis
Now that was badass, dude!
Mac
Just hit me the other places really quick. Maybe it won't hurt as much...
As Mac is finishing his sentence, Dennis strikes Mac's right leg and chest, respectively.
END OF VIDEO
Dennis
That was incredible! Whoa! You think you can do it one more time? (Mac is lying unconscious on the ground.) Mac?
Dennis kicks Mac's body. No movement.
Dennis
Oh... shit.
Dee and Artemis walk into a hospital room. The waitress is lying in the bed unconscious. The second bed is empty.
Artemis
Well, there she is.
Dee
Oh my god, she looks terrible!
Artemis
She has been cuh-razy since we've been hanging out. It's awesome. I got a video of her flashing a school bus if you want to see it.
Dee
Ew, gross. What did the doctor say?
Artemis
I'm not giving you his number, bitch!
Dee
God damn it, I meant about her.
Artemis
We won't really know until the blood test comes back. Or the autopsy, whichever comes first.
Dee
She's only in a drug induced coma.
Artemis
I probably shouldn't have let her drive.
Dee
You let her drive when she was on ecstasy and drunk?
Artemis
We both were.
Dee
And let me guess, she flashed the school bus while driving high.
Artemis
So? I do that all the time!
Dee
I don't need to know any more about that, we just have to keep Charlie from finding out about this.
Artemis
Yeah, she would not shut up about him. She thinks he's responsible for ruining her whole life.
Dennis runs in, sweaty and out of breath.
Dennis
Oh good, there you are.
Dee
What are you doing here?
Dennis
Dee, I'm in deep shit.
Dee
You couldn't just call? You ran all the way here?
Dennis
No, I rode here in Mac's ambulance. Now Frank and Charlie are on the way.
Dee
Wait a minute, what happened?
As she is speaking, Mac is rolled in on a gurney. He is bandaged on his head, torso and right leg.
Dee
You seriously couldn't wait until the waitress killed herself before you made that dumb video?
Dennis
Don't knock the video, Dee, I watched it while I was waiting for the ambulance. It is a masterwork, but Mac's performance was less than Oscar worthy.
Dee
What the hell are you talking about? There are two people in a coma now! (Pauses, looks at both beds, then speaks slowly to emphasize situation) Mac and the waitress are in the same room. (Now speaking near frantic) Charlie's going to burn this hospital to the ground once he locks everyone inside!
Dennis
Mac might try to kill me when he wakes up, and now I'm going to burn to death? Dee, you bitch!
Artemis
Hold on, I think I have an idea.
Next scene shows waitress with Mac's bandages covering her face and poorly covering other body parts; Mac is only in hospital robe, bruised and scratched all over.
Dennis
This might work.
Dee
Nice work on the face, there, Artemis. If I didn't know it was the waitress, I would never guess.
Charlie and Frank walk in. Charlie looks at the waitress' bed.
Charlie
Hey-oh! What happened to this guy?
Dee and Dennis look at each other surprised and somewhat satisfied.
Dee
Uh, she, I mean he was um...
Artemis
Hit by a car.
Charlie
Well that sucks. Oh, there's Mac. He gonna be OK?
Dennis
Yeah, yes. He will make a full recovery at, uh, some point in the future. Um, Dee, Frank, Artemis, why don't we all meet back at the bar. We should get a call when Mac knits back together.
Charlie
Oh, yeah, a beer sounds good.
Frank
Always sounds good, Charlie.
Artemis
You guys gonna let me come around more often?
Frank
(To Artemis) You did that already in the Wendy's bathroom.
Others
Eww! Sick! You guys!
The five leave the room and reconvene at Paddy's.
Mac wakes up in his room, rebandaged properly. He is able to sit up, but is sore.
Mac
(Grunts) Damn it, Dennis. Now I have to take badass sabbatical.
Waitress
Mac? Is that you? (pulls partition curtain back)
Mac
Waitress? What are doing here?
Waitress
Damn it, why can't you people remember my name?
Mac
Oh, don't worry about it. That's how we know you.
Waitress
(Scoffs and rolls eyes) I just woke up about three hours ago. They thought I overdosed, but I'm just adjusting to my new medication. Now they're trying to put me in rehab, not just for drugs, they think I'm a pedophile because I flashed a school bus! It was hot and I was only taking my top off to drive in my camisole, then one of my boobs popped out. Artemis has probably been exaggerating about, as usual.
Mac
So our friends just left us here unconscious and injured, while they're probably back at Paddy's getting wasted and don't even care about our health.
Waitress
Why do you associate with those assholes? Charlie stalks me, Dennis and Dee are twin nightmares, and Frank is a gross pervert.
Mac
I see your point. They do sort of treat me and each other like shit. Well, I'm not one to betray friends, but this does call for revenge most cold... I've got an idea.
Some time later, Mac and the Waitress pull up to Paddy's in a taxi.
Mac
OK, wait here. It's show time.
Waitress
Just be quick. I don't want anyone to know I'm here.
Mac
Roger that!
Mac gets out of taxi. Scene shows bar interior. Dennis is behind bar, Dee, Charlie and Frank are seated at bar. Artemis is not there.
Frank
So you have a way to get rid of the rats forever?
Charlie
Yeah, it mostly involves milksteak bait and poison. I lay out the traps and then I would release a few cats the next day to get rid of the stragglers, you know. The day after that, the cats are all psychotic from the poison, so I'll just get a dog to chase them out, then one more poison spray and the bat works from there.
Dennis
You may be on to something.
Dee
You are the king of the rats.
Mac walks in front door. He has a wrapped gift box in hand.
Mac
Hey-oh! What's going on jabronies?
Dee
Glad you're back!
Frank
Great to see you, Mac!
Charlie
Hey, fellow jabrony!
Dennis
(Stands and walks to him) Mac, dude, I want to say how regretful I am about what happened.
Mac
Dennis, you're my best friend and always will be. In fact, I got you a little something to show no hard feelings. You'll all love this, believe me.
Dennis
Aw, Mac, it's the least you can do.
Mac
Um, right. Well... anyway, I'm off to the apartment. Those meds the hospital gave me are making me kind of sleepy.
Dennis
Oh, sure man. We'll see you tomorrow.
Mac
Later, guys!
Frank
See ya, Mac! Bring some of your meds tomorrow!
The gang bids him good night. Mac exits the bar, going back to the taxi.
Charlie
That's really nice of him.
Dee
Um-hmm!
Dennis
Say what you want about Mac, but he's got a heart of gold.
Frank
Open it up, Dennis. What is it?
Mac is now back in the taxi with the waitress.
Waitress
Driver, drop him off where he wants and take me to the airport.
Mac
So you're really leaving Philly?
Waitress
My life is pretty much shit here. Maybe without Charlie everywhere I can get something done with my life.
Mac
Where you going?
Waitress
Not sure yet. I'm going to visit some family upstate then, who knows? Oh, what was in that box you had?
Mac
Hm? Oh yeah! Do you remember what Charlie did to Brad Fisher after he dumped you?
The waitress' eyes widen. She looks forward in shock.
CREDITS