A/N: This is a plot bunny which just begged to be written
PATENT LAW
A/N: This is a plot bunny which just begged to be written. It is a short story involving the Ninth Doctor and Rose, and reveals how boring torture can be. Not really my best story, but who knows?
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the Lawyer. DW is owned by the BBC.
The Doctor grimaced as he tried to free himself from the restraints which anchored him tightly to the chair. He was in a white room with a very bright light, and little else was in the room with him. To add insult to injury, he'd lost his new companion, Rose Tyler, after their trip to the end of the world. A small door, which was located at the end of the room, parted with an ominous hissing noise. The Doctor, expecting to see a monster of enormous height and weight, was shocked when he saw a small, nerdy man with bug eyes and a black suit, a dour expression on his round face.
"Hello, Time Lord," the man said in a nasal voice which sounded like a male version of Fran Drescher's.
"Want to tell me why I'm here?" the Doctor asked, his voice entirely devoid of any humor.
"You're here because we want something from you," the man replied, reaching for a tissue and cleaning a pair of glasses on a table beside him. He placed the glasses on his face, making his appearance even more homely.
"What, exactly, is that?" the Doctor questioned, his impatience over the man's not reaching the point evident.
"You started a Time War on Gallifrey," the man answered. "There are penalties to be paid…taxes."
"Oi!" the Doctor protested. "Taxes from where? My planet's been destroyed!"
"That's beside the point," the man said calmly. "War always costs big bucks, and we've come to collect."
"An' I didn't start the bloody thing," the Doctor went on, totally ignoring what the man had said. "I just finished it, and not by choice!"
"We realize that, but someone has to take the fall, as it were," the man said.
"What about Rose?" the Doctor questioned. "Where is she? What have you done to her?"
"Nothing," the man answered, "she is in another room like this one." He took a big red book from the table. It had the title United States Laws and Customs etched on it.
"What are you plannin' to do?" the Doctor cried. "You plannin' to read to me?"
"You'll find out," the man rejoined, his expression never changing.
"If you plan to torture me somehow…I'm a very tough nut to crack," the Doctor said.
"We know all about you," the man said, "in fact, we know about all of the inhabitants of this universe."
"Who are you?" the Doctor queried, squirming to reach his pants pocket which had the sonic screwdriver therein.
"I am The Lawyer," the man announced.
"So you're a bloody barrister," the Doctor quipped, "so what?"
"You misunderstand me, Gallifreyan," the Lawyer said in a cold voice. "I'm not a Lawyer, I am the Lawyer. I am the ultimate legal authority in the universe!"
The Doctor's eyes widened as he realized what the Lawyer had said. He struggled even more to escape his bonds. He could hear Rose's screams from the next room as he tried in vain to free himself. The man, taking no notice of the doctor, opened the book and began to read.
"Chapter one: Reexaminations…In the year 1982, the United States Patent system introduced a proceeding which involved the submission of prior art to substantiate a new question of patentability involving already established patent cases…" the Lawyer read in his pedantic, boring voice, "the attorney must include the following elements as described in greater detail in subsection 37 of the Code of Government Regulations…"
The Doctor's head twitched from side to side as he tried to block out the Lawyer's words. Rose's screams grew louder from the other room. Hang on, Rose, the Doctor thought, I'll get out o' here, somehow!
Forty minutes passed, as the Lawyer continued reading, "…and so, when we get to section 37 C.G.R. 1.530(A), we understand that if an amendment doesn't contain the proper format for submission, the fee involved to correct said submission…"
"STOP!!" the Doctor shouted. "For the sake o' Rassilon, stop reading that borin', mind numbing, coma inducin' book! I'll pay the taxes! Jus' don't read anymore!!"
"That's all we wanted to hear, Doctor," the Lawyer said, beaming.
"On one condition…" the Time Lord told the attorney.
"Yes?" the Lawyer asked.
"That I never set my eyes on you, an' that you return Rose to me unharmed," the Doctor replied.
"That's two requests, and two requests asked out of context break another of our primal laws…" the Lawyer commented. "That's punishable by a thirty day sojourn in prison on our world…no possibility for parole."
The Doctor groaned as the Lawyer's men unstrapped him from the chair. Before they could lead him away however, the Time Lord reached his sonic screwdriver, pointing it to the lights overhead. As the men screamed in the darkness, the Time Lord ran out of the room, his superior vision adjusting to the non existence of light. The Doctor picked up Rose's scent in the corridor he found himself in.
"Rose!" the Doctor cried. He saw the 19-year-old in a room next to his, her eyes wide in terror. "What have they done to you?" He freed her from her chair, then he threw her over his shoulder and ran for the TARDIS.
Inside the ship, he gently took off his leather jacket and laid her over it, muttering, "Rose…'s okay. You can wake up, now."
Rose's eyes fluttered open. She whispered, "Doctor…?" She sat up.
"Where…" she started asking.
"You're in my ship, Rose," the Doctor answered. "You okay?"
Rose started crying. "It was horrible, Doctor!" Rose yelled. "They read the most borin' legal stuff to me! I thought I was going insane!" The Doctor's blue eyes were sympathetic toward his companion. "An' on top of it all…they made me change into this!" Rose removed her sweat jacket, revealing a tweed suit underneath. "Said they'd get around to doin' that to you, too!"
The Doctor inwardly shuddered. "Once I pay the taxes, we'll be free o' them!" the Doctor shouted, hitting the switch which caused the time travel device to dematerialize.
"So, when are you gonna pay them?" Rose asked.
"Oh, maybe in a couple millennia," the Time Lord said, smiling his manic grin. "Didn't tell me when I had to pay taxes on the Time War…just that I did!"
"You…wanker, you!" Rose teased, playfully elbowing him. They both shared a laugh as the Doctor programmed the directional buttons for their next destination.
THE END
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