Il Tuo Sorriso Meraviglioso.
Baseball freak... he had this magic. He had this strange magic that he seemingly cast unto me almost every minute. Whether it had been intentional or not, I never wanted to know. Because whatever it may be, I'm sure his motive is just as stupid as he is. It always is.
Four weeks ago, while we were walking home from Tenth's place, he confessed to me with a faint blush on his cheeks and a goofy smile on his lips. When I heard him say, "I like you," with an obviously forced out little chuckle afterwards and asked if it was okay for us to go out, for some reason I wasn't surprised or anything. I even didn't freak out like I thought I would've, or felt disgusted like any other man would be. It strangely felt natural to hear him say it, but it didn't feel normal for me to tell him, "I like you too," because I don't. What I told him instead was, "Whatever," as I lit the end of my cigarette hanging from my lips. He smiled back at me then as if it meant just the same.
"We're still friends, right?"
"For the Tenth's sake, yeah."
I knew he got what I meant, that there was going to be nothing between us, and yet just like that, his nervousness and insecurities were all washed away for a reason I couldn't comprehend.
"What are you grinning for, you idiot?"
"Because Gokudera said we're friends!"
"I didn't say anything like that. Don't make up stories."
"Ahaha! Okay, if you say so."
His magic began to affect me then. Every day after that, I would feel it being cast upon me, churning my insides in a funny little way, and whenever he left, it would leave with him. That ticklish feeling in my chest goes all the way to my fingers and toes, sometimes it would even reach my cheeks and eyes where it would tear itself and overflow, but regardless of the subtle effects it had on me... it had always been exclusive for him. That much I knew.
"Yo, Gokudera! Tsuna!"
"Yamamoto!" the Tenth greeted him cheerfully. "Are you coming with us?"
The power becomes more powerful when he's as near as this, just our clothes as barriers in between us. Whenever it is times like this, the feeling would transpire from where our bodies meet and from there it would crawl towards every corner of my being.
"I'm sorry, but I can't walk home with you guys again today."
"Really? That's too bad." Tenth said, sighing sadly. "Well, see you tomorrow then, Yamamoto."
"Yeah, it's too bad."
"Good luck on your practice!"
"Yeah, do your best, baseball freak." I told him with a smirk, nudging his shoulder with my fist and earning myself a small laugh that sent tiny shivers down my spine. I did my best to hide it, like I always had done. Because his little gestures could already make my head spin, I had gotten used to handling such things and some others that are even bigger and stronger.
"Of course! Thanks, you two!"
Lately, I haven't been able to talk and see him much, because lately Yamamoto had been sleeping during classes a lot more often. During lunch and dismissal, he would also be gone from the very second the school bell rings without giving me the opportunity to at least say hi or curse him or whatever.
"See you, Yamamoto!"
"Yes, goodbye." He smiled again, waving at us as we walked away. Again, something thumped inside me as if it went wild just by the sight of that faint curl of his lips, and when Tenth turned his head away from him, the storm in my chest became stronger. "I like you," he mouthed out, beaming brightly at me.
"G-gokudera-kun! Are you okay?"
It made me trip on my own feet.
"I-I'm okay, Tenth. Thanks for your concern."
"Yamamoto?!" Tenth gasped, looking back at the thoroughly amused him, puzzled about the series of events.
He was laughing. It was embarrassing. I was flustered, and he knew that I was that's why he kept on laughing. That stupid Yamamoto found it amusing every time I get weak like this. I don't know why, but it always seemed like he knew the reason why when I, myself, don't.
"L-let's go, Tenth. I'm really okay." I smiled a little, reassuring Boss that I really was fine. "C'mon, we still have to do your math assignment, Tenth. We're wasting our time."
"Ah, that's right. But are you really okay, Gokudera-kun?"
"Yes, Tenth... I'm fine."
"Take care, Gokudera!" Yamamoto yelled from far behind us, delight still evident in his voice. "There are a lot of rocks on the way to Tsuna's house!" he added, accompanied with a laugh.
"Shut up, you baseball freak!" I yelled back but didn't bother to look back. I knew he'd pull something weird again and make me trip or something. One time, he made me hit the wall. Another, he made me fall down the stairs. "Go on to your stupid practice already!"
"Okay, okay!" he replied, still laughing, "See you, guys!"
"Bye, Yamamoto!"
"Yeah, good riddance!" I scowled, brushing my dirtied pants as I stood up. "Let's go, Tenth."
Whatever magic he had, it really worked a lot to me.
And only to me.
"For this number, you substitute..."
Yamamoto and I hadn't been able to spend time together lately, but still he never called. It's not like I'm hoping that he would, because I don't. He always just used to annoy me like that, so I'm just saying. When he started to become excessively absorbed with the baseball club, I told myself, "It's just a few days without him," and thought I would be fine. Again, that wasn't because I cared, but because Tenth does. I kept on brushing him off, telling him to scram whenever he would tell us he'd have to attend practice again. I thought that eventually he'd personally excuse himself from those practices and spend time with me instead, but obviously, that didn't happen.
...I'm just saying. I wasn't hoping that he would, because like I said: I don't care. There's nothing more to it.
"Gokudera-kun? Gokudera-kun!"
"Ah, Tenth! Yes?"
"Are you really feeling okay, Gokudera-kun? Maybe you're really sick? You shouldn't push yourself too hard."
"Ah, no, no! Of course not, Tenth! I'm perfectly fine!"
But having not spent time with him didn't mean the effect of his magic on me had weakened. Actually, it felt stronger and stronger with each day I didn't spend with him. That one time I slammed against the wall was after the first three days he had started training vigorously with his team. At that time, I was running after Lambo, who somehow found his way to school, and then out of the blue, he called me, "Yo, Gokudera!" I supposed for that split second, I kind of forgotten everything else and my head just decided to turn to him on its own, that's why I hit that sharp corner and busted my lip.
He laughed at me then, too.
"Are you okay, Gokudera?" he asked, but he was more than amused than worried, I knew.
"Of course!" I yelled at him, slapping his helping hand away. "What do you want? Just get out of the way!"
"Sorry, sorry."
"Now where is that damn cow?!"
"Ah, you're bleeding, Gokudera!" he exclaimed, catching my chin with two of his fingers, and brought me so close to his face to check at my split lip. The surge of emotions I felt that was so strong that I was barely able to hide it. It stemmed from where he touched me firmly, and it spread down to my chest where it kept on swirling.
"L-let go off me, you bastard! What do you think you're doing?!"
Second time was after a week or so while Tenth was on duty for the day and I was left alone. I just finished smoking in the rooftop and I was walking down the stairs when all of a sudden he yells out my name like a five-year old running up to the parents she hadn't seen for days.
"Gokudera!"
I supposed I slipped because of two things: one, I was thinking of something, and two, I didn't know that someone was around. No, I wasn't thinking about him. God knows I wasn't.
Again, he laughed at me. It sent ripples of total weirdness throughout my body.
"What do you want?!" I growled, getting up to my feet only to find out that I sprained my ankle. "Shit."
"Are you okay?"
"Of course, I'm okay!" I told him, and yet walked up to me and held my sprained ankle in between his hands, massaging it lightly. The way he looked then, staring down at my feet with that serious expression, it made my whole body tense.
"Is it starting to feel better?"
"No, you made it worse." That was an honest answer, because I was as frigid as a rock... not that frigid, you sick-o. I don't even like him!
He looked up to me and laughed lightly, "Is that so? I'll just take you to the infirmary then." Yamamoto stood up, walking closer, and took my hand to wrap it around his neck. It didn't make me feel any better either. It felt weirder.
"L-let go, you dimwit! I can stand just fine!" I struggled, and it resulted to me falling down a lot more steps that I originally would've. I also ended up being carried like a girl behind his back, and throughout that time I felt I was going to explode. The parts of my body where our skins met felt prickly and weird. I really thought my skin was gonna melt off, like I was going to die.
Those weren't the only times it happened. As we hung out less and less, the more frequent did these things happen to me. Soon, just the mention of his name would drain all my attention away even from Tenth. The magic he had seemed to have manifested itself in me and somehow mutated too, attacking me psychologically...
"Gokudera-kun, Gokudera-kun!"
"Ah, yes?! Do you not still understand number nine, Tenth?"
...and taking me away from the harsh reality where Yamamoto wasn't anywhere near. I don't know why it bothered me. When he said he liked me, it really didn't mean anything to me. He is nothing to me. But this magic of his hadn't been giving me much power to think it through lately.
But that time when he confessed was the time I surely felt the magic affect me the most.
"Gokudera-kun, we're talking about what to do on Saturday now."
"Saturday?"
"It's Yamamoto's—"
"You are clearly out of yourself recently, Gokudera." Rebron jumped down from the Tenth's head as he spoke, "A right-hand man must always be alert and active, or the Boss can not rely on him."
"Reborn!"
"Maybe it would be better if you go home for now and rest." He said, looking up to me from the low table. "Right, Tsuna?"
"Ah, r-right." Tenth nodded as he stood up. "You should go rest now. Thank you for helping me, Gokudera-kun."
"It's my pleasure, Tenth! Just call anytime you need me. And sorry, Reborn-san."
"It's nothing. Rest well."
I bowed and gave my regards to one of the best hitmen in the word, and then walked down the narrow staircase to the Tenth's family's dining room where oka-sama was preparing dinner. I bade farewell.
"Good bye, Gokudera-kun. Take care of yourself."
"Have a pleasant evening, Tenth."
"You too! Ah, be careful of the rocks that Yamamoto—"
"Yama—" Ouch... Shit!
Okay, for the record, there really were rocks. Big ones. Yes, there are big rocks in the middle of the road. Shut up.
"Gokudera-kun!" Tenth worriedly called, running towards my flat out form. If he was here, I'm sure he'd be laughing his ass off again, and I would feel even weaker than before.
"I-I'm okay!"
"Gokudera-kun,"
"I promise I'm f-fine, Tenth! No need to worry about me!"
"Are you sure?"
"Y-yes. Good night, Tenth."
"Okay, good night. Take care." I lowered my head and waited until Tenth closed their front door. Maybe Reborn-san was right, Tenth can't rely on me if I'm always like this, but it's not like I've been doing it intentionally. Hitting my head, falling down the stairs, tripping on clear path... it's stupid, but it kept on happening as if I wanted them to happen, which I don't. Of course, I wouldn't want Tenth to think that he can't depend on me. I have to be his right-hand man after all.
I shivered a little, not the same shiver I feel around Yamamoto, but almost. Just the memory of him made me like this tonight, I wonder what will happen if I see him again? Through these barely lit streets, we always used to fool around, arguing then later laughing stupidly. This was also the same route we took when he confessed to me.
"What are you looking at?"
"Nothing," he smiled, "Hey, Gokudera... Do you like somebody?"
"What's that, you freak?!"
"Well, I like Gokudera!" He said, laughing. "I like you," he repeated, smiling... almost as if he was saying it more seriously... more solemnly with a much, much deeper meaning.
"Whatever," I mindlessly answered, lighting a stick of cigarette. "Well, I like Tenth."
"I see, I see." He said, laughing. "We're still friends, right?"
I really didn't know what he meant until he asked that. I didn't know that he meant the "like" that way... but it's not like I would change what I said if I knew.
"For the Tenth's sake, yeah."
Would I?
I wonder.
Yamamoto... why does it seem like your magic exists here too? Every step reminds me of you, and the magic is cast all over me again. This time, it started down from my toes and then up my knees, then my stomach... my chest, my arms and my fingers. It feels so warm and yet a little too ticklish inside. It's weird and funny. Why do I feel this way just thinking of you?
Is this a side effect? A complication maybe? Or a mutation? I just don't get why I feel this way, because how come when I close my eyes, I...
"Gokudera?" the sound of that voice pinched my heart a little too hard. "Why are you sitting on the floor like that? Are you hurt? Does your sprain still hurt? Did you trip again?"
I just don't understand.
This weird tingling... prickling, ticklish? I really don't know what it feels like anymore, but it had been really, really hard to think whenever I feel it. I really, really feel so weak and so drained. When I see his face, hear his voice, or just his name being mentioned, I forget everything else and my body would immediately stiffen and turn wherever it thinks you are at. It makes me defenseless... turns me into an idiot like you.
It makes me feel... calm.
...calm?
"I'm fine." I grumbled, burying my face on my knees. "Leave me alone."
It's unfair. You're unfair, Yamamoto... using your Rain Flame on me when I don't even know that we're fighting. This strange feeling, it doesn't have any other explanation but you binding me with your stupid calming flame. There's just no other logical explanation. It had got to be because you're cheating. I hate you.
"Eh? Gokudera, you...?"
So even a person like you has a dark side, eh, Yamamoto? I should've known. Behind that smile, you're exactly like everyone else is, greedy and hateful. You can't stand the sight of me, can you? Yeah, you hate me, too. I'm a sight for sore eyes. You think I'm despicable, weak... a piece of trash. The truth is that you want me gone!
If you really hate me so much, Yamamoto, hurt me now, physically, instead of attacking me with your flames and making me feel so miserable of myself! I don't know what you think you'd gain from me for doing this, but... please, do anything but this.
"I like Gokudera!"
How can you be like this to me, you moron? Weren't you always yapping about honoring your enemies and never attacking them when they're not prepared? Weren't you always talking on and on about not hurting a defenseless person? Not attacking anyone from behind? You learned this technique from Reborn-san, didn't you? Because he always said that you're a natural-born hitman... You... You...!
"I like you. We're still friends, right?"
I really...! Honestly...! G-genuinely believed that you liked me, Yamamoto!
"Gokudera... don't cry."
How can you... do this to me? I... I... I don't know what you could possible want from me. Yamamoto, I... what can I give you for you to stop fooling me like this? It hurts. It really, really hurts when you toy with my feelings like this! You're terrible! Terrible, terrible!
"Ssh, Gokudera," he hummed, rustling my long hair gently out of my face, "Don't cry, I'll carry you home. I'm not an expert but I can massage it for a while and it might relieve the pain a little, and..."
"Shut up! Just shut up! I've had enough of you, you liar!" I cried... I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know what else he'd want from me, but it's the only thing I can think of. It's the only thing he hadn't taken from me yet, and now... now, you have it, you baseball idiot! "Leave me alone!"
"W-wha? Gokudera, calm down! What are you saying?"
"I hate you!"
"Why?" he asked gently, his face twisting into sadness... but I knew it was just a farce. Of course, it's just a farce. "Do you really hate me that much? Gokudera?"
"Yes! Now, why don't you just get it over with?! You've weakened me enough! You... you—" It's more than I could handle. "Quit using your flames already and just hurt me!"
"Flames? But I would never want to hurt you, Gokudera."
"You lie!"
"No, I'm serious," he said, smiling, as he took off his guardian ring from his middle finger and slid it in to mine. Slowly but surely, the weird feeling sparked from the tips of his fingers and into my skin. It made me shiver, but just for that brief moment when he held my hand. "See?"
Come to think of it, I never saw him light his flame.
"I really don't get you, Gokudera, but I was right when I thought that you're interesting. I think I like you even more now!" he said, laughing lightly. "I don't know why you would think that I would do something like use the Rain flame on you to hurt you, because if anything... I really want to protect Gokudera. I really, really do, because Gokudera makes me feel all fuzzy inside and..." he sighed with his eyes closed, looking really contented. At that time, he made me feel fuzzy inside too. "Like doki dokiandhara hara, and then baki!"
This guy...
"HUH?!?"
Really, how could I even think for a second that this guy would or even could do something like that? I don't remember how I even managed to think that he could do something as serious as that. Somehow, even when I was the one who made the stupid mistake, I wanted to laugh.
"...what are you saying, you idiot?!"
"Don't you get it? It's really simple!"
Very simple indeed. Everything is so simple to you.
Suddenly, everything became so ridiculous and funny. I really, really wanted to laugh, but that's not just because I was reminded how stupid this guy is and how stupid I am to think he could do such a thing, but also because I felt lighter somehow.
"I lost you after the fuzzy part."
And every awful feeling I had was all gone.
"Well, it feels like baku baku baku baku! Then bashi! And dokkun dokkun!"
"Really now?" I asked sarcastically, leaning back as I raised a brow at him, and began to rub the ring of Rain wrapped around my finger. It felt... warm.
"Yes, yes!" Yamamoto answered enthusiastically as he nodded his head and moved his hands around to liven up his story... "And then!" ...his idiotic, never ending story. Seriously, if I was deaf, I think he was telling me a story of space and rocket ships.
Really, how can I think of him that way? Now I feel such a moron for crying, but at least now I understand that the feeling I keep on getting is not because of a weird magic or an effect of his flame. Now, I know that what I feel is something I, myself, is responsible for and that, weirdly, Yamamoto feels just the same...
"Hey, Gokudera, are you still listening to me?"
"Yes," I replied, lighting a stick of cigarette that hung quite loose from my lips. "Go on, idiot."
"Were you really?" he pouted, raising a brow at me, "What was the last thing I said?"
"Dan,"
"Ah," he smiled, "That's right! And then—"
...which means, I like him too, just the way he feels for me. My body has known it ever since that night Yamamoto confessed to me, and my brain just fell a few yards back from shock, I suppose. I really am so stupid. It had been trying to tell me all this time what I've been missing. The ticklish feeling in my chest... It feels a lot better now, knowing what it wants to say.
"Idiot,"
"Ha? Did you say something, Gokudera?"
It feels even better because I know that I'm not the only one. I guess, if he was to ask me that question again, if there is somebody I like... surely, my answer wouldn't be the same as the first, because now, I know that I really, really have someone I like...
"Hey, baseball freak," I began as I stood up and collected my things, "You said you're gonna walk me home, right?"
"Ah, that's right! Does you sprain not hurt anymore?"
"What do you think?" he just laughed in response while I stomped my sprained foot, "Let's get going."
"Well, you were crying, so I thought it felt really bad! I really don't mind carrying you."
"You really are an idiot."
"That's mean. I was just worried about you." He chuckled, "But it can't be helped since this is how Gokudera sees me, right?"
"Damn straight!"
Yamamoto's wonderful smile made me realize that.
FEN: I was torn from killing Yamamoto, having him leave, and this... Yama being the naïve him. Obviously, someone reprimanded me for just thinking of killing him for his own birthday, so I didn't. I'm saving it for another occasion, though... maybe for Gokudera's birthday. *shot* Ah, for those who are curious, "Il Tuo Sorriso Meraviglioso" means "Your Wonderful Smile," and the stuff Yamamoto keeps babbling about in the end were onomatopoeias of clashing stuff and heartbeats. He's trying to describe what he's feeling. You know, that sudden feeling and your heartbeat goes ba-thump. I don't know how to say it otherwise, but try to feel it! I'm sure you'll get it eventually. XD
So, happy birthday, Yamamoto! May you have hotter smex with your uke for the years to come, and as for my personal wish... I hope you get sexier and have the confidence to finally lose your goddamn shirt in your pictures and not just your necktie. I'm sure Gokudera will like that too. :D
This is my first 8059 fic... be merciful. XD
EDIT 03/29/10: Thank you, ClaymoreDarkAlicia, for correcting me and for being so awesome. :D