A/N: SO this is my first songfic, that I can think of. Inspired by me sitting in lab, hearing this on my iPod. For those of you who don't know, NIN is Nine Inch Nails – they were more popular 10-15 years ago, so none of you newbies will recognize the song. It's a good one though – definitely worth a listen if you have the time.
Summary: Songfic (NIN – The great below). This is what is going on in Bella's head at the cliff in La Push. I have slightly altered the lyrics for convenience (song originally sung by Trent R., presumably about a woman). The lyrics actually matter for this fic – you'll understand as you read. I promise it isn't too long. T for language.
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Jacob was supposed to join me today. We were going to do this together, but now that I'm here, I am kind of happy I did this alone.
Staring
at the sea
Will he come?
I really wouldn't want to explain to Jacob why my cheeks are wet, or why I am jumping into the water with my MP3 player still on me, or why …. well, I guess why I am doing this at all.
It's better that he's not here.
Is
there hope for me
After all is said and done
God the sea is really pretty. I can't even see the other side today – some days you can, if it's really clear. It's so funny – I was always afraid of heights.
I... I want to remember his voice. All of this bullshit, just to hear a mythical creature's melodic excuse for a voice ring inside my mind. The waves crashing beneath me on the rocks make a poor substitute.
Anything
at any price
All of this for you
Wow, that is a big drop. Fuck what the hell am I doing? Breathe Bella, breathe. Hmmm (smiles) I can remember when I was told that by someone else for an entirely different reason. (looks down and frowns) Yep, that's a big drop.
All
the spoils of a wasted life
All of this for you
The rocks are kind of rough against my feet – I left my shoes in my truck. I'll be fine, I'm sure, and if I'm not... well, that won't be so bad either. The wind is so cool against my arms and face – maybe I can pretend for a moment that he is here. Everything here reminds me of him – the breeze, the waves, the peace... if I had had the chance, I would have brought him here.
All
the world has closed her eyes
Tired faith all worn and thin
Alright Bella, enough, you're a big girl, and it's just a little step. (closes eyes) I can do this one thing for myself.
For
all we could have done
And all that could have been
This is so surreal. It is like running through the woods with him, the wind is flying so fast by my face. The wind is whistling in my ears – heh, it almost sounds like my lullaby.
Ocean
pulls me close
And whispers in my ear
Ouch, I've hit the water – hard. The salty water envelops me in its oppressive embrace. I feel touched; I feel happy.
Ok Bella, need to breathe. I try to kick to the surface.
The
destiny I've chose
All becoming clear
Fuck, I can't die here. I can't die here. I can't die here.
I have to see him one more time – I, I'm trying so hard.
The
currents have their say
The time is drawing near
My legs hurt and my lungs are burning. I can't seem to win. The ocean won't let me go. I'm so tired. I'm getting weak.
I wonder what Charlie will think...
Washes
me away
Makes me disappear
I open my eyes one last time and watch the swirling currents around me. I can't help it anymore – I reflexively breathe. I cough into the water. It hurts....It hurts.
And
I descend from grace
In arms of undertow
I can't feel my legs anymore. My arms either. I can't really feel anything. I can see light though – am I making it to the surface? Where am I? I don't feel the cool ocean watter, or hear the breeze.
Where am I?
I
will take my place
In the great below
The light is blinding me know. I can't seem to retain my consciousness. I feel like I'm drifting off to sleep. But I can see his face so clearly – I try to reach out to him.
I love you. I loved you so much Edward. I just wish you could have felt the same way about me.
I
can still feel you
Even so far away
Somewhere in Alaska, Alice collapses in sobs, screaming. 'No NO Bella don't do it. Oh God no. NOOO'.
~finis~