Neither Light nor Dark

Ben. . . Ben Solo. . . Oh how he hated that name. Such a tortured and desperate title to be saddled with. A name that would seemingly haunt him to his grave. But no matter how hard he tried, he could never completely forget it.

Kylo Ren slowly opened his eyes, the mist of sleep still clouding his vision as he raised a shaky hand to his forehead. His fingers came away beaded with cold sweat. He'd had the dream again, and like always, his heartbeat was still echoing in his ears.

Languidly he fought to center his addled thoughts, forcing his anger and the seductive pull of the Dark Side to awake within him. Anger, hatred, lust for power and all things deeper: they were the things that made him feel safe. The Force was the sole tie that bound him to his teetering existence, and he clung to it like a mad man. But even as he pushed the covers back and moved to sit on the edge of his bed, the young Sith couldn't push the memories away.

Every night for the past month, Kylo Ren had been haunted by the same recurring dream. To most, the dream would have bordered on pleasant- a simple recollection of the past. But to him, it was a nightmare; a piece of a forgotten life that was recreated purely to torment him as he slept. It was always the same, the content never changing.

The dream began with a glorious beam of light. It was a soft glow of the purest energy, that would engulf him as he walked through the stars. And once he had passed through the light beam, the nightmare would manifest in the shape of the past.

He would be home, his old jedi robes and handcrafted lightsaber at his hip. He could hear his mother humming before she was there hugging him tightly. She'd whisper how much she loved him and how proud she was of his accomplishments at the new Jedi Temple. She'd tell him that she was happy with the man he was becoming. . . And then, his father and uncle would arrive, followed closely by Chewie, all clapping him on the shoulders before they all settled down to eat dinner together.

Kylo Ren would watch his past self laugh and joke, and he would feel his soul fracture just a little more. Every memory of happiness was a cancer to him now. The joy of his childhood had been tainted by the path he had chosen. . . the path Luke had forced him to take.

Now as he sat in the aftermath of his dream, Kylo clenched his fists. As his fingers closed, the room shook with pure energy. The Force rippled around him but the power was no comfort. . . Not when he felt so confused and adrift.

I should go and train before receiving my new orders from Supreme Leader Snoke, he thought, pushing the long strands of hair from his eyes. But just as he was about to stand, he stopped and shivered.

In the space of a split second, the Force energy in the vicinity had changed. There was something different. . . Something else was here in the room with him.

Kylo Ren let his gaze swivel about his chamber for a time, before the intruder made himself known.

It was a man, shrouded in simple black and white robes. Though he wasn't solid. In fact, the man was somewhat transparent, the closer Kylo Ren inspected him. But it was the Force that gave him away for what he truly was. The Force wafted from him, merging with his very essence, in a way that only one who had seen death could master.

He was a Force Ghost.

For several minutes, the ghost didn't make a sound. It merely regarded Kylo Ren, before a gentle dimpled smile rose to his pale lips. The smile was sincere and warm, and reached up to match the vaguely familiar blue-green eyes.

Finally the ghost spoke. "Salutations. . . It's good to see you, Ben."

"Don't call me that," Kylo Ren growled, though he remained seated on the bed. His saber was not far from him, but he made no move to ignite it. "Who are you? Why have you come here? Who sent you?"

"No one sent me." The ghost's humor was clear, as he continued. "And last I checked, a man didn't need a reason to visit his grandson."

"N-No. . . It's can't be. . ."

"Oh, but it can."

"You're Darth Vader. . . . You're my grandfather."

"Once upon a time, I was referred to as Lord Vader. But it was never my name. Just like 'Kylo Ren' has never been yours."

Kylo found that words failed him. For more years than he could count, he'd wished to meet his grandfather. Wished to speak with him and know what was in his heart. But now that the man stood before him in all his glory, Kylo found that his old ambitions seemed insipid. This Force ghost, this Anakin Skywalker was no Sith. He was peaceful, an embodiment of light. The Force waves that came from him were harmonious. There was no room for darkness within him, and Kylo Ren found himself saddened by it.

"So it's true. Luke did bring you back to the Light."

"Yes. But I was in Darkness for a long time."

"...And yet you left it all behind you," he said, slight awe marring his tone. "After all you'd accomplished as a Sith Lord, you still discarded the Dark Side. . . But why?"

Anakin lifted a brow, his features turning soft as he eyed his descendant. "Because the path of the Sith was never one of happiness or meaning. . . I was able to come back to the Light because there was someone who needed me. . . Because I remembered who I wanted to be. I'm sad to see the same trap that lured me, was able to seduce you as well."

"We aren't the same!" Kylo spat, shaking his head sullenly. "I know who I want to be."

"Do you?" The ghost shifted closer eyes turning sad. "You believed in the Jedi Order. You believed in yourself and in Luke. . . But now you're lost. You don't know who. You. Are."

"No! I know who I am! I-I know what I want!" Kylo stuttered, clenching his fists as the anguish and sorrow filled him up. But both Ghost and Sith knew it was all a lie.

"No. You have allowed one moment to define you, young one. A single moment in time, and you abandoned everything that you'd once cared about." Anakin's face was devoid of emotion, save for the spark of his eyes in the dark room. He seemed to look through his grandson as the seconds ticked by. "Did Luke really mean so much to you?" He asked. "That you'd change your own beliefs on a whim?"

"N-No! He means nothing to me!"

"Then why did you allow his moment of weakness to dictate who you would become?"

Kylo Ren shook his head violently, tears unwillingly building at the corners of his eyes. "Because he took everything from me! My training, my hopes, my ideas for the future! HE TOOK IT ALL AWAY! In a single moment he proved that everything he had taught me was a lie! He showed me that there was never an ounce of truth to any of it! …. The darkness was all I had."

"No, Ben." Anakin comforted him, as he offered a sympathetic smile. "Luke showed you that he is human. He showed you that even a Jedi can experience doubt or fear. The only thing he took from you was the childhood glamour you'd always viewed him with. He was your Hero. He disappointed you when he lifted his blade to strike, and you let the darkness consume what was left. Because the pain was too much for you to bear. You had felt the Dark Side before, but when Luke betrayed you, you let it take over. You burnt the new Jedi Temple to try and destroy the past, but the pain never left. It just grew stronger."

Gently, the Force ghost reached out his hand to lay atop Kylo Ren's shoulder. The contact was solid enough for them both to feel it, but also lighter than a butterflies wing. It was so fleeting, but so very real.

"You have always been strong in the force, young one. Naturally gifted, as I once was. Your potential is limitless and because of this you felt trapped. For Jedi do not accept emotion, and Sith always move to amplify it. But it isn't that simple. There is a plain of discipline where the Force breathes… thrives."

Kylo Ren was silent, his mind racing along with his heart as he listened to the soothing voice. He listened to his grandfather with rapt attention, his dark eyes begging for answers. "How can there possibly be something in between?… There can't be another path..."

"There is, Ben. You can follow the light and still embrace your faults. You can believe in the code of your past, without sacrificing your future."

"No."

Kylo Ren felt his heart ache as his father's face flashed in his mind's eye. He had killed him in cold blood. Han Solo was dead, and Kylo was the reason. "Let the past die," he murmured. "I'll kill it if I have too… That's the only way to become what I was meant to be."

"And what were you meant to be?" Anakin wanted to know, his brow raising in question. "If not the son of Leia and Han, if not the heir to the Skywalker bloodline, then what? What calling was written in your stars, that the past prevents you from reaching?"

"To be free!" He had yelled it before he had time to consider his words, but it was the truth. "All I ever wanted was to reach my destiny! To have purpose, to follow my path! All I wanted was to live up to the family name and look where it got me!"

The grip on Kylo Ren's shoulder grew tighter, as Anakin lowered down to sit beside him. A strange sense of warmth traveled through the young Sith in that moment, making him gasp as light enveloped him for the first time in years. There was such peace. . . Such tranquility. . . It cleansed him and momentarily stopped the ache in his heart.

"You never seemed to realize that your destiny is only written by your own machinations." Anakin said purposefully, allowing his arm to drape over his grandson's heaving shoulders. "Only you can write your story. The Skywalker name, your parents, Snoke, Luke, even me, we're only stars that orbit near you. But your life choices, your experiences, what you take from the dark and the light. . . that's entirely up to you, Ben. It always has been."

Kylo Ren fought to hide his tears, but there were too many. From the warmth from the Force, to the tender words and message of renewed hope. . . there was just too much to take in. Though he knew he'd never forget it as long as he lived.

"Do you really believe that... grandfather? After all you went through? After all that you lost?"

"I do. Redemption is always attainable, if you want it bad enough." Anakin smiled, his light eyes shining with familial affection. "I made mistakes, Ben. Becoming Darth Vader was a result of a broken heart and more emotion than I was prepared to deal with. I let it consume me, until Luke found me again underneath all that anger and grief. You can find yourself again too."

"But how can the Light side of the Force save me?" Kylo asked, searching Anakin's face for some understanding. "I killed my father, I hurt everyone who I held dear. I changed. . . How could I ever find my way back after so much Darkness?"

Anakin considered for a moment before saying simply, "Do you remember the Codes? Of the Jedi and Sith?"

"...Yes. Why-?"

"If you remember them, tell me."

Kylo Ren sighed as his mind offered up the Jedi Code effortlessly. "...There is no emotion, there is peace. There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. There is no passion, there is serenity. There is no chaos, there is harmony. There is no death, there is the Force."

"And the code of the Sith."

"Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength. Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken… The Force shall set me free."

Anakin nodded as Kylo finished. "What do the codes tell you?"

"They offer up opposite beliefs of the Force and how it should be used."

"Yes. But there is another Code. A code for those that walk both paths of the Force. A place where emotion and restraint have equal meaning." Anakin lifted his hand from the younger man's shoulder, his expression minicking the warmth he exuded, as he recited the third code.

"There must be both dark and light. I will do what I must to keep the balance, as the balance is what holds all life. There is no good without evil, but evil must not be allowed to flourish. There is passion, yet peace. Serenity, yet emotion. Chaos, yet order. I am a wielder of the flame; a champion of balance. I am a guardian of life. The Force is all things and I am the Force."

Anakin Skywalker stood in the center of the dark room, and might as well have been the sun itself. In that moment, his presence was staggering, as he offered his parting advice.

"You are not alone, Ben Solo. You never were. And your destiny can only be written by you. The choice is yours to make. Whatever code you decide to follow, know that you have the power to be happy. The power to heal, or to break. It's in your hands, young one. Look to the present; respect the past. Believe in the future. . . It is yours to make."

Kylo Ren found himself reaching out to the Force ghost, as longing welled within him. And for a moment his hand met with Anakin's. They grasped hands for a time, before Anakin dipped his head in farewell and disappeared.

For minutes or perhaps hours, Kylo Ren sat in the newfound silence and contemplated his life. Despite all the doubt Kylo had felt, he had been granted the chance to meet his hero. His esteemed grandfather. He had been given the gift of a lifetime. Kylo considered the words of Anakin Skywalker and meditated on the truth behind them.

With red-rimmed eyes, the Sith Lord wiped the lingering tears from his face. Then he reached over to his bedside table and took his helmet in his hands. He turned the black dome over and over again, merely thinking. He thought about the past, the present, and what the future might hold. And he knew what he would do.

Kylo Ren and Ben Solo; now neither name suited him, and yet he accepted both.

With an emotional sigh, Kylo Ren used the Force to crush the helmet in his hands. And as the black metal was twisted and bent beyond recognition, the young man smiled and lifted his gaze towards his port window. The stars of the galaxy were beautiful and held more promise than any one man could hope to capture. But he would try. From that moment on, Ben Solo would rise to meet the fate he chose. A fate neither Light nor Dark. But a fate all the same. . .

A/N: After watching The Last Jedi I found that I wasn't satisfied with Kylo Ren's character development, and figured that a good oneshot was in order. Originally this was a trade with a friend of mine over on Deviantart, but it became something I had to share on my other sites as well. I've always loved Anakin and I wanted to have a meaningful conversation between him and his angsty grandson. ^^ Not to mention the fact that I think both Anakin and Kylo were made for the role of the Grey Jedi (thus the 3rd Code mentioned in the fic.) Let your minds wander~

Anyway this story is complete fluff and wishful thinking. I know that it isn't canon and that there are probably some mistakes on my part, but the sentiment and hope of the story is very real. Fingers crossed that everyone will be able to enjoy it to some extent. Thank you for reading guys!

~Lyn