Disclaimer: Mass Effect and everything associated with it are property of Bioware and EA. No copyright infringement is intended.

Okay, after reading some fic (whose title I cannot for the life of me remember) I got this idea stuck in my head. Occasionally readers of fanfics come across stories that feature some sort of harem. Rarely done well, they nevertheless provide quite a bit of amusement. However, it's always the guy who gets the bevy of women, and in extreme cases, the bevy of bevies of women. Given Mass Effect's potential for different relationships, I thought I'd write a oneshot from the other perspective. That's right, Femshep's getting all the love interests! Because when you're out saving the galaxy, just one isn't enough! For all you crazy kids out there, this fic will contain mention of the following pairings: f/m, f/m/m, f/m/m/m, f/m/m/m/m, f/f, f/f/f, f/f/f/f, f/f/m, f/f/m/m, f/f/m/m/m, f/f/m/m/m/m, f/f/f/m, f/f/f/m/m, f/f/f/m/m/m, f/f/f/m/m/m/m, f/f/f/f/m, f/f/f/f/m/m, f/f/f/f/m/m/m/m, and last but not least, f/f/f/f/m/m/m/m. And in this one, Jacob never met Dr. Cole.

And no, it will all be innuendo, no citrus. Though if you all like the idea so much, drop me a review or PM and I might try to write a lemony version.

Shepard's Seraglio

"Aware different species react differently to stress. Recall giving you this lecture when on mission to end Collector threat. Personal situation certainly unusual by galactic standards. Galactic situation unusual by all standards. Find comfort wherever possible Shepard. Will be here synthesizing cure. Still less alcohol required. Mood music, on other hand…"

"Come now, Mordin. Hurrah, hurrah for the krogan queen, eh?"

"Still prefer patter songs. Remember, levo-dextro tissue incompatible. Do not ingest. Your allergic reaction mild, Chambers' and Traynor's reactions more problematic. Also, avoid prolonged contact between human and drell skin. Psychotropic effects. Have provided oils, immune-suppressants, instructional vids, and prophylactics. Instruct Vakarian and Krios to use condoms at all times."

"I remember, and I appreciate it. If there are any issues, I'll let you know."

"Appreciate that, Shepard. Relationship fascinating multispecies study. Challenge."

Nodding at her favorite mad scientist, Jane turned and exited the medical bay, leaving him to his work with the Genophage. The Normandy was docked at the Citadel, obtaining supplies and armaments needed for their upcoming missions on Tuchanka. Additionally, they were taking on equipment Mordin required to actually synthesize a cure for the Genophage. With a day of shore leave scheduled for the crew, Shepard had taken the time to contact Kaidan, Thane and Kelly, who were eager to visit. As the war was grinding on, Jane had taken the chance to gather all her loved ones in one place, in case it turned out to be the last chance she'd have to do so.

Walking over and into the elevator, Jane once again thanked the Normandy's designers for never being able to fix the slow elevators. Usually a blight on her nerves, they now offered her a chance to collect her thoughts.

Mordin was right, the relationship was certainly an…interesting one. It started on her hunt for Saren. As a Spectre, she was no longer a part of the Alliance chain of command, and fraternization was technically no longer an issue. In truth, she'd been starting to get attached to both Kaidan and Liara. When the pair of them confronted her about her feelings, she was forced to admit that she was fond of the pair of them. They were reluctant, and it took some convincing but Shepard wasn't a silver tongued devil for nothing. She got her biotic sex god and her blue wings both, the night before Ilos.

It wasn't just the physical companionship that took place. She had been growing to love the pair of them, and in the time that followed Saren's defeat, the three grew even closer. It took almost two months of emotional introspection, combat-problem-solving, and mind blowing sex before they settled into a real relationship.

Then the Collectors attacked, destroying her ship and killing her. That sucked. And not the fun, slightly sticky way, either.

Two years later, she awoke to a galaxy upended. Cerberus was trying (rather pathetically) to be the hero. The Collectors were abducting human colonists. Kaidan didn't trust her. Liara had become obsessed with the Shadow Broker. And most importantly, Shepard was once again sleeping alone in her shiny new cabin. Bollocks.

It wasn't such a surprise when she'd started reaching out to those closest to her and those who were growing closer. Kelly had been incredibly understanding, and even though Shepard knew that the yeoman was likely reporting her psychological state back to good ol' TIM, she couldn't help but fall for the spunky young counselor. And it was Kelly who helped her grow closer to the others. Garrus hadn't been easy to convince, he was aware of Shepard's old love triangle and even if he'd come to feel affection for her, he did not want to upset the balance. Shepard promptly clocked him across the uninjured side of his head and, in his dazed state, kissed him senseless.

She proceeded to drag him upstairs for a threesome with Kelly. That had been epic.

It was there she finally explained to him just what kind of person she was, a person who gave love freely, and a person who had the annoying habit of falling for those closest to her.

Thane had been her next 'victim.' The talks she had shared with the spiritual drell had fascinated and enchanted her. Over time, the two of them had begun to fall for each other, but neither one was able to see it. It was Kelly, once again, who came to the rescue. Enlightening Thane as to the nature of the relationship, the counselor had encouraged him to express his feelings and see where they led. He had spent and was still spending his days atoning, but that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy what time he had left.

And oh man, there was nothing in this galaxy quite like getting sandwiched between Garrus and Thane, screaming her passion into Kelly's warm core. Glorious.

It was a heavy risk, getting involved with another member of Cerberus, but the prize was worth it. Jacob was a workout nut that had the perfectly sculpted body to show for it. Crisp, tight and taut, Kaidan had been similar, but even Thane didn't have the kind of definition Jacob did. And that ass! Shepard felt a rush of warmth racing southward at the thought of it.

When the crew had been abducted, Jane's vision had gone red, and she'd ordered an immediate pursuit through the Omega 4 relay. With several hours to kill, she'd actually put her foot down, explaining that it wouldn't be right without Kelly to join them.

Several hours, one suicide mission, and an entire crew rescued later, it was a whole different story. The Collector base had been destroyed, and the repairs had been effected to make the Normandy space-worthy. With her crawling back towards the relay, Shepard had ordered the crew to get a bit of rest, and had promptly dragged everyone up for a celebratory orgy. Hours of debauchery ensued, numerous social taboos were broken, and as they passed through the relay, Jane was bonelessly relaxing in one big cuddly pile of love.

The next few months were hard, as some of the crew drifted away, and Jane broke ties with the Illusive Man. Then came her solo mission into the Bahak System, which ended up being a royal clusterfuck of epic proportions. Hackett and Anderson could only delay for so long, but she was eventually remanded into Alliance hands.

And then the Reapers finally came, and she'd been released from Alliance captivity, thrust back into the war that no one else but her had been preparing for. Earth had fallen, and even now Anderson was running a guerrilla operation as best and long as he could. Once they'd lifted off, however, the Normandy had proven once more just how cold a place it could be to sleep alone in.

Fortunately that hadn't lasted terribly long. Kaidan had been aboard, though he'd been injured before they could truly reconnect. Liara, on the other hand had quickly moved to rejoin her. It took some time, but Shepard explained all that had happened to her to both Liara on the Normandy, and Kaidan when he was awake in Huerta Memorial. They'd understood, though the three of them had a lot of make-up sex to get through. And so the war had finally gotten underway. She'd found Thane and Kelly on the Citadel. Garrus she'd picked up off of Palaven, and most recently Jacob had been rescued from his new role as guardian of a group of Cerberus defectors. The final member of her harem had been a surprise.

Samantha Traynor was an interesting person, to say the least. Apart from her oral fixation, she was a bona fide, dyed in the wool lesbian. Or at least, she used to be. Shepard has once more fallen for the pretty girl manning her communications, and eventually broke down and whisked her away for a quickie in the shower, much to Traynor's delight. What followed was an enlightening conversation. Shepard explained the giant mess her love life was, and simply offered Samantha the opportunity to join them whenever she wanted. It was an offer the young comm tech took her up on, most exuberantly in a three way with Shepard and Liara. Traynor had originally professed her desire solely for women, and while she was still quite uncomfortable with Kaidan and Jacob, let alone Garrus, she had slowly been growing a healthy appreciation for Thane.

Once they had all been together, she had thought there might be issues between the boys over dominance and what have you. In the end however, all cultural mores aside, everyone had settled on one indisputable fact. She was Commander Jane Goddamn Shepard, and that meant she was at the absolute top of both the food chain, and the sex chain. And occasionally even the food-and-sex chain.

Shepard's thoughts were interrupted by the pinging of the elevator reaching the CIC. She stepped out and took in the crew going about their duties. Kelly was standing near the comm terminal, conversing with Traynor. At Shepard's arrival, she bounced forward like an excited puppy, "Is it time yet, Commander? Please let it be time yet!"

Shepard stood there calmly, every bit the statuesque commanding officer she'd been since this whole mess started. With a confident nod, she addressed the exuberant counselor, "Indeed it is; sexy times are afoot. Former Yeoman Chambers! Assemble my harem! There's an orgy to be had in my quarters!"

"Yes! Finally!"

AN: Just a bit of crack for the masses, hope you enjoyed it.