Disclaimer: I don't own Hellraiser or it's characters, only Myra and Alice. I don't own Loki or Cell. I own the plot. I make no money off this.
OUR FAMILY OF HELLRAISERS
Pinhead: Alice, where are you?
Myra: Dad, she went out on a date.
Pinhead (angrily): What?? She is not allowed on a date! With who???
Myra (reading the paper): She went out on a date with that Loki guy.
Pinhead takes out his knife.
Pinhead: I'm going to take his soul.
Myra (still reading): No your not.
Pinhead looks at her.
Pinhead: And why not?
Myra: Because she already claimed it. So HA! Plus, he is a god.
Pinhead snarls at her.
Pinhead: Why are you my daughter again?
Myra: Because when mom got resurrected that one day you and her got together and had me, which was the end result of her staying on earth because another key was born. Need I go on, or do I have to go into greater detail of how she got YOU into bed at all?
Alice walks through the door. Her lipstick is smeared all over her face. Pinhead walks up to her.
Pinhead: Where were you?
Alice: On a date.
Pinhead: I know that.
Alice: Then why ask?
Pinhead (angrily): Don't be smart with me young lady!
Angelique walks in and just goes to the living room. We all stare at her.
Myra: Mom?
Angelique: What?
Myra: Where's Alice's mom?
Angelique: In the white room.
Myra: Why is she in there?
Angelique: I don't know.
Alice goes over to the white room. She looks inside and sees her mom's soul. It's twitching a lot. Pinhead walks up behind her.
Pinhead: This one is a strange one.
Myra walks behind him. Goes to Alice. Whispers in her ear.
Pinhead: What are you mumbling about?
Myra: Nothing… Only that YOU WEAR WOMENS CLOTHING!!! (Laughing)
Pinhead: I do not!
Angelique: Well, technically, you are wearing a dress.
Pinhead: It is not a DRESS! It is a sacred gown that Leviathan has provided for me. And don't get me started on you Alice! You know you're not supposed to be on dates!
Alice: Like you would have found out anyway had I not told Myra to tell you. But I did tell her to tell you.
Myra: It's true. She made me tell you. Oh, and before I forget, I'm going to college.
Pinhead: What? Since when?
Myra: Since right now. See ya!
Myra packs her bags and heads out the door. Unknown to Pinhead, Alice follows her. The next day the girls are home.
Pinhead: Where have you two been? You are in such trouble! You're grounded! Go to your rooms! You should be more like Angelique.
Alice: Dad, I'm over 100 years old. You can't order me around like that. Can't you just love me for who I am and not who I'm not?
Pinhead: No! I want you to be more like Angelique!
Alice: So you want me to be a slut that's all over you all the time??
She thinks about that for a second. A disgusted look appears across her face.
Alice: Ewwww….. You are one sick cenobite.
Pinhead: No! Not like that! DAMNIT.
Myra just stares at them with her new husband, Cell. Some kind of android. Pinhead notices Cell.
Pinhead: Who are you?
Cell: My name is Cell, but you may call me Seru.
Pinhead just gives him the eye. He stares at Myra. He stares at Cell. He stares back at Myra. An angry look is on his face.
Pinhead: And let me guess, you think I'm not going to kill him?
Myra: Not unless you want eternal suffering from me in a sense that means you'll be haunted by telitubies and care-bears. Would you like that dad? Or I could just tell mom that you will forever want her and tell her that she can't stop. NEVER!
Pinhead: You wouldn't!
Myra (smiles evilly): I would! I am YOUR kid after all.
Pinhead just starts noticing that there is someone behind Alice.
Pinhead: Oh no! You are not having any contact whatsoever! Not you too. And who is this guy?
Loki: I am Loki, God of mischief!
Pinhead: Yeah, and I'm Pinhead, God of misbehaving, ungrateful children of mine! As if.
Loki gets angry and brings out a HUGE hammer.
Loki: You doubt my power? You will suffer!
Pinhead merely stares at him and tries to summon his chains to kill this Loki guy, but nothing happens.
Pinhead (shockingly): What the? Hey! Who turned off my chains?
Loki makes Pinhead's chains appear out of nowhere and they are broken. Pinhead looks at him. Pinhead's left eye starts to twitch.
Pinhead: What are you…?
Loki (slightly irritated): I said Loki! God of mischief! Are you deaf?
Myra: Hey dad, Cell and I are going to go in our room and have a party. You're not invited. Alice, Loki, Mom, where ever you are, you guys are invited.
Loki: I like partying. We can play Super Twister!
Alice: I'm in.
Angelique (from somewhere in the house): Nah, I'm just going to stay out here with your dad.
Pinhead: Hey! How come I'm not allowed to come?
Myra: Because you're a boob.
The four go into Myra's room and leave Pinhead with Angelique. Alone… With no way to leave the house because the doors are magically sealed with Myra's and Alice's powers. Pinhead thinks about this for a minute. Then horror is written all over his face as he realizes who he's stuck with.
Pinhead: Hey guys don't leave me out here with her!
He starts pounding on the door of Myra's room. They all ignore his idiot being.
A few weeks later…
Alice and Myra sit on the couch watching TV. Loki and Cell are in the kitchen making lunch. Pinhead is watching them angrily since he can't kill a God and that if he even tries to kill Cell, he would be in more suffering than he wanted to bargain for. And not the good kind of suffering. Why did he have to have a rebel child and then a clone like one with a weird android that wont stop being so annoying? He keeps claiming that he's perfect.
Myra: So, you going to tell dad?
Alice: About what?
Myra: You being pregnant.
Alice: How did you know I was pregnant?
Myra: Come on Alice. It's me. I know things. You know that.
Alice: Well I'm not going to tell him. Are you going to tell him you're pregnant?
Myra: I'm pregnant?
Alice: You didn't know? Gosh, for a demon, you sure don't know your own body. Cell knew.
Myra: Cell knew? And he didn't tell me?!
Alice: He thought YOU of all people knew! Didn't you wonder why you keep throwing up lately??
Myra: I thought it was from dad's cooking..
Pinhead (in the kitchen): I don't cook THAT bad!
Myra: He shouldn't be allowed to cook at all... If there's anything scary about dad, it's his cooking.
Pinhead starts to think about what his daughters just said. He gets angry and goes over to them and turns off the TV.
Myra (angrily):Hey you boob! I was watching that!
Alice:Yeah, me to! You're such a boob dad!
Pinhead:Hey! Don't change the subject. I just heard that you two were pregnant.
Myra:Well duh dad! Alice is having my baby! What did you expect?
Pinhead (slightly confused):What?
Alice:Yeah, and Myra's having mine.
Pinhead (even more confused):What???
Angelique walks in.
Angelique:Pinhead, I'm having our daughters baby.
Pinhead totally looses it now. He starts to go to his room and pack up all his gowns and extra pins. Yelling at the top of his lungs.
Pinhead (yelling):That's it! That is the last straw! I will not live under a household with a rebel daughter, her more torturous sister, an android who will not stop saying how evil he is and how perfect he claims he is, the freaking God of Mischief and a horny cenobite that will not leave me the hell alone. I am moving out. Watch out hell, here I come!
He runs out the door so fast that he forgot that he was supposed to put on his formal gown and just ran out naked. The guys come in and sit next to their wives.
Cell:Not to get on the subject, but how long do you think it will take for him to realize that his behind is bare? I would think that would be quite-
Pinhead walks through the door covering his midsection with a garbage can lid and goes into the room. Everyone starts cracking up at his misfortune except for Cell because he was too busy thinking how perfect he was. Though he did think it was funny. That's what his father-in-law gets for making fun of an evil android bent on destroying all that annoy him.
Pinhead is in hell and is playing poker with chatterer, the female cenobite and butterball.
Pinhead:ahh… it feels so good that those two are finally out of my hair!
Female:You don't have hair.
Pinhead (smiling):I don't care much! I had to go! There was no way they could make me stay if they wanted to either way. You know what?
Butterball:What?
Pinhead:I'm going to sing!
Chatterer:Oh-(chattering)-no-(chattering)….
Music starts.
Pinhead (standing):I don't care much. Go or stay. I don't care much, either way. Hearts grow hard, on a windy street. Let's grow cold, with the wind to me. So if you kiss me..
Female:As if…
Pinhead (continuing):If we touch… morning spare. I don't care… Very much…… I don't care much, go or stay. I don't care very much, either way. Words, sound, voice, when your coat's too thin.
Butterball:Oh no… not the drama music.
Music starts playing more loudly in the background.
Pinhead (continuing):Feet don't waltz, when the roof caves in… So if you kiss me!
Female:I'm gonna barf!
Pinhead (continuing):If we touch…
Chatterer:Pervert..
Pinhead (continuing):morning spare. I don't care… very much…
The curtain closes and the music stops. All the cenobites just stare at him.
Pinhead: what?
Female: You are hopeful.
Butterball: Don't you mean hopeless?
Female: No, we're already made like that.
Pinhead: I still don't care! Those wretched brats are out of my face forever! I feel free!
Leviathan (big booming voice): GO BACK, PRINCE OF PAIN.
Pinhead: What?
He looks around.
Pinhead: Who said that?
Leviathan (big booming voice): ME, YOU SHIT FOR BRAINS CENOBITE. YOUR BOSS. GO BACK TO YOUR CHILDREN. THEY ARE IN DIRE NEED OF TRAINING. AND THEY ARE WORKING FOR THE OTHER SIDE, YOU MUST STOP THEM!
Pinhead: But they are the worse kind of demons to live with! Seriously, they drive me insane. You can't make me go back! That's murder!
Chatterer: You're-(chattering)-already-(chattering)-dead-(chattering).
Pinhead: That's not the point! I don't want to go back. Please don't make me go back!
Leviathan (big booming voice): GO BACK. OR YOUR FIRED!!!
THE END.
AN: I wrote this out of fun for me and Squee Page 394 in like 2007, so forgive me if it's lame, stupid or confusing. I figured it was time to post it.