"Yes, yes," said the Beast, "my heart is good, but still I am a monster."
"Among mankind," says Beauty, "there are many that deserve that name more than you, and I prefer you, just as you are, to those, who, under a human form, hide a treacherous, corrupt, and ungrateful heart."
~ Excerpt from Beauty and the Beast by Jeanne-Marie Le Prince de Beaumont
When Remus Lupin was a little boy he loved fairy tales. He loved all kinds of stories really: the myths of Ancient Greece and Rome, African folk tales, Russian folklore and Norse mythology, Hans Christian Andersen and the Brothers Grimm, the Arabian Nights, Japanese stories and many others.
But of all the stories that were told to him and that he later read himself, he loved fairy tales most of all. His father, a wizard who worked in the Ministry in the Department for Regulation of Magical Creatures, loved to read iThe Tales of Beetle the Bard /i to him. "The Fountain of Fair Fortune" was his father's favorite and he read that to Remus almost every week.
His Muggle grandmother, his mother's mother, would also tell him all kinds of Muggle stories: "Snow White" and "Sleeping Beauty" and "Cinderella". He imagined being a prince and rescuing someone one day.
And out of all these stories Remus would ask his grandmother to tell him about "Beauty and the Beast" over and over again. Over time his grandmother would bring different versions of the story to the house and Remus ended up with many copies of the tale. He liked the one by Jeanne-Marie Le Prince de Beaumont the most as it had his favourite illustrations. Out of all the fairy tales, this was his favorite because the Beauty had to get to know the Beast. She went to live with him to save her father and the Beast gave her many books to read. To Remus Lupin, even at six years old, that kind of love made the most sense, a love that was based on knowing someone and not just love at first sight or first kiss when someone is sleeping. Every time he heard the story, he waited in anticipation for the Beauty's realization that her sisters' hatred risked the Beast's life. He waited for her rush to him, her desire to marry him. And he waited for the Beast's transformation into a handsome prince, of course.
After Remus Lupin was bitten at the age of seven, and became a wolf once a month, that story was still his favorite, especially when his grandmother would visit him after a full moon and read it to the now often sickly child with new scars on his body every month. That story gained new meaning to Remus because now he could understand the Beast. He could not imagine that anyone would ever love him now and this fairy tale gave him the only hope that maybe it was still possible, that someone would see beneath these ugly scars and his terrible cursed fate.
When Remus was thirteen years old, he realized that Sirius Black was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. And in his most desperate times he still liked to read his favorite version of the story, given to him by his grandmother and falling apart from use, and imagine that Sirius, like the Beauty, would see inside of him and lift the curse from him as well.
And after that, Remus always thought of himself as the Beast in the story and the handsome Sirius as the Beauty, and it never occurred to him even when he read the story to his newly born son right before his own death, that when he lived his own fairy tale a few years earlier at the age of thirty five, the roles were not so simple and that it was he, the Beauty, who looked into the heart of the Beast and found only goodness. But that is what happened, once upon a time.
In was early in the morning in the last days of June, with the sun barely peeking out beyond the buildings, when Remus found himself standing in the dingy little square park in North London facing a wall of houses. He held a piece of parchment in his shaking hand and was building up the courage to open it and read the instructions so he could find the enchanted house.
Thinking of it as an enchanted house distracted him from thinking of its occupant who he had to inevitably face and live with for the foreseeable future. He really wished he could avoid this but he really did not have a choice. Dumbledore's safety and the safety of all the Order depended on Remus gathering his courage and entering this house. That was one specific, non-negotiable requirement that Sirius requested in exchange for both the use of his childhood home as the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix and his new imprisonment within the house Sirius escaped at sixteen.
If Sirius was going to be stuck in this house, he wasn't going to be stuck there alone, no matter how much Dumbledore reassured him that other members of the Order would be there as well, coming in and out, and that the Weasley family had even agreed to move in for half the summer to help make the cursed house livable again. And so Sirius had asked- no, demanded - that Remus move into the house, too, and Dumbledore, in his nice, convincing but non-negotiable voice, made that request of Remus.
Remus could not say no to Dumbledore, for all that the old man had done for him. So if part of him wanted to run away and maybe even live in the deep dark forest instead, he would just have to get over it and live at Sirius' parents' grand London townhouse against his will.
It is not like Remus didn't want to see Sirius. When he first saw him after Sirius' long imprisonment at Azkaban on that terrible - and wonderful - evening at the Shrieking Shack a year ago, Remus was ecstatic. Seeing Sirius again made him feel like he was fifteen once more. Knowing that Sirius was not guilty of killing all his friends lifted a big weight off Remus' shoulders. He had always felt guilty for continuing to love Sirius while loathing him, and now he didn't have to hate him.
But that evening was brief and Sirius was on the run for the following year. With barely any communication between them, Remus had a lot of time to think and process what it meant that Sirius was back, even as a fugitive.
So when Sirius came to his cottage two weeks ago with the message from Dumbledore about the impending war, Remus was able to keep his distance and not let Sirius' presence make him feel out of control again. This became a problem because Sirius' ideas in the past year went in the opposite direction. Apparently, he spent a year getting back to himself a little. He certainly looked healthier. He also spent his year on the run hoping for a big, tearful reunion with Remus, which would end in Remus' bed with all their promises renewed. And all Remus could think about was the last fourteen years and their relationship even before Sirius went to prison.
Sirius did not trust him then. While Remus certainly forgave him for that, understood it and told Sirius this in that first meeting last year, the fact remained that Sirius did not trust him then. Their last months together were full of Sirius pulling away from him. They fought often, which Remus had attributed to the stress of the war and worry for James, Lily and Harry. And, of course, Remus could not forget the time when Sirius came home once, smelling of alcohol and someone else. Sirius hadn't even bothered to deny it. By the time Halloween had come, Remus had been seriously contemplating moving out of their flat. He probably would have done so if he'd had more money and somewhere to go. And then he thought that Sirius had killed all of his friends.
So Remus was very sure that, while he still loved Sirius with all of his heart and would always be a friend to Sirius, he did not want to start anything up again. He just couldn't do it. Sirius did not take kindly to that discussion. He got drunk, went on a few rants, tried to guilt Remus and finally ended up sulking on Remus' couch while waiting for Dumbledore to show up. And every day Sirius would try to convince Remus that rekindling their relationship was the only possible way forward. Remus really wanted to have the cottage to himself again.
And then Dumbledore came and asked Sirius about the house in London and Remus would now be stuck living with his ex-boyfriend who made it no secret that he wanted Remus back and that he would win Remus over.
The sun was rising higher in the sky, the air was warming up and the birds sang their early morning cheers. Several Muggles were walking past the square, probably heading into work. One young woman was walking a little tiny dog. Remus took a deep breath and opened the parchment. "The Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix may be found at twelve, Grimmauld Place, London," he read. And, as he looked up, the houses in front of him started shifting and Sirius' house appeared in between the Muggle ones.
Remus took his old battered suitcase and made his way to the house. He pushed the bell before he could think about it; otherwise, he knew, he would be standing in front of the house for another hour. Before even ten seconds passed, as if Sirius was standing there waiting behind it, the front door was pulled open and Remus could see Sirius in the darkness of the entrance hall.
As Remus walked inside, Sirius was smiling at him. Sirius quickly shut the door behind him, took the suitcase out of Remus' hand and then put one finger to his lips, gesturing for Remus to be quiet. Remus, puzzled, nodded and then followed Sirius inside the long, gloomy corridor. Sirius pointed to where Remus should go and disappeared somewhere with Remus' belongings. Remus followed the directions and found himself in a large kitchen with a table full of breakfast dishes.
There were too many breakfast dishes and many were Remus' favorites like sausage and tomato and scrambled eggs. His stomach rumbled. As he was trying to decide if he should sit and eat something, Sirius appeared behind him and put his left hand on Remus' shoulder. Remus turned to look at him. Sirius appeared bashful and excited at the same time, a look he perfected in the mirror at the age of fourteen to get out of trouble. Remus knew it too well to find it adorable.
"You're here. Good. Good. I put the suitcase in your room. I cleaned it all out for you yesterday. Sit, eat. I wasn't sure if sausage was still your favorite so I made other things too. Well, the wretched house elf had to get all the ingredients and I'm sure he picked the worst ones, but I think you should still like it." Sirius was rambling and, fine, a tiny part of Remus found it adorable.
Remus kept to his resolve to maintain a friendly but careful conversation with Sirius. As he ate, he asked how Sirius had settled Buckbeak in the rooms upstairs and plans for the cursed decaying townhouse. The food was delicious. Sirius could always cook a mean breakfast and that used to be the favorite part of Remus' mornings. Sirius was rubbish at dinner so they traded on who was cooking depending on their strength. Remus forced his thoughts from the past, since he was becoming nostalgic, and into the present conversation. Sirius was a little too cheerful and Remus recognized that look too.
He made sure to escape to his new room, under the pretext of needing to unpack, as soon as he cleared the plates and washed the dishes. Sirius showed him the way and left after making Remus promise to make sandwiches for lunch. Remus sat on the bed for a good thirty minutes without putting anything in old dusty drawers. This was going to be harder than he even imagined. They used to share the chores too – Remus would wash the dishes, usually by hand to soothe his nerves, and Sirius would dry and stack using magic. He could not afford to be nostalgic.
Remus managed to regain some of his composure by lunch time and they spent a pleasant hour chatting about Sirius' survey of the house. It would take weeks or even months just to clear all the enchantments and curses in the house, even with Weasleys' help. They started on the drawing room that afternoon and keeping busy was wonderful. It felt like old times, when they were at Hogwarts. Sirius would be stuck in detention and Remus would sneak in to help him out. Maybe he could do it. He certainly wanted the friendship back.
It was at the end of the evening when Remus was tired and just wanted to go to sleep, that Sirius finally brought the topic out into the open. As he called it a night, Sirius reached for his arm and held on firmly.
"Moony," he began.
"Sirius," Remus tried to stall, "Whatever it is, can we do this tomorrow? I'm too tired to form thoughts right now."
"Just…I know what you said but you and I were always so good together..." Sirius' voice had a pleading quality to it and Remus needed to cut it off.
"No, not always. We talked about this, Sirius. I'm glad to be here with you but friendship is all I can give you. Nothing else. I won't change my mind."
"You will. You have to. You have to love me again. I know I'm not the same but I'll be better."
"No." Remus pulled his arm away. "Please, don't make this harder."
He went to sleep with a heavy heart. He hated hurting Sirius but he needed to protect himself more.
It took Sirius a little more than a month to make a new move in operation "Woo Moony." Remus supposed that's what he probably called it because Sirius was always ridiculous.
They finished cleaning the drawing room and some of the bedrooms right in time for the Weasleys' arrival and Remus relaxed a little bit with other people around. Sirius had to keep his advances quiet and subtle. And for a while everyone was engaged with the house cleaning and later with Order meetings and guard duty, for which Remus tried to volunteer often. Then Harry arrived with his teenage moodiness that reminded Remus strongly of James at fifteen.
Sirius kept busy arguing with Molly and spending time with Harry. Remus could see that Sirius still had to battle his demons, left over from spending so many years alone in prison, with only Dementors for company. Remus could see glimpses of Sirius in his youth, but they did not appear as often. And for a few hours during the day, Sirius would vanish somewhere in the house. He claimed to be cleaning but he would not let anyone help him. Remus just felt relief that he wasn't alone with Sirius much lately.
So it was in the middle of August when Sirius launched his new surprise offensive. And really, Remus should have expected it. Sirius was never one to give anything up. He spent a year convincing Remus to move in with him after Hogwarts and would not let up until Remus finally gave in. He should really be firm this time that he would not change his mind.
The move came in the evening of a fairly boring day. Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny were in the sitting room playing some sort of game, while Arthur and Molly were talking in low voices on the sofa. Kingsley and Tonks had just left. Kreacher was muttering in the hallways and the walls were creaking. All and all, Remus was adjusting to life in the house. The house still terrified him but at least it was more livable now and Remus felt useful.
As the clock struck nine, Sirius quietly asked Remus to come with him. He used his puppy eyes too, knowing what it did to Remus. Remus was reluctant to go anywhere but Sirius promised it would only be for ten minutes, so Remus relented.
Sirius led up the stairs onto the third landing and led the way into his parents' bedroom.
"Where are we going?" Remus finally asked.
"I want to show you something. Something I've been working on." He walked over to a set of old dressers along the wall opposite the door and pressed something on the side of one. "C'mon. You'll like it. I promise."
The wall next to the dresser opened and led to a new room. As Remus stepped into that room his eyes went wide. It was a very large – obviously magically extended – library, full of old leather tomes on shelves two stories high that covered all four walls. There was even a ladder to climb up the shelves, probably as not all volumes could be pulled down by magic and needed a careful touch. Remus was slowly spinning around in a circle, drooling at the sight.
Sirius said, "This was my father's private library and office. He rarely let anyone in here but he had a great collection. I used to sneak in here during the summers and holidays. I thought you might like it."
"What?" Remus turned to look at him, not understanding.
"I went over every corner. There were a few nasty spells but you can use it now. It usually recognizes only Blacks but I fixed that too. You can use it now. Anytime you want. Just come here and sit and read and whatever." Sirius was looking at Remus with hope in his eyes.
"I could use this room. You cleaned it out for me?" Remus asked to make sure. Sirius nodded eagerly.
"But why? I mean, this is a wonderful room and all the books…"
"They were just sitting here and I know how much you like books - so I thought-..." Sirius was coming closer with every step. Remus took a step back as the realization hit him.
"Sirius, did you do this to… to get me back? Because I'm not changing my mind and I thought we settled it."
Sirius did not seem discouraged. He stepped closer again. Remus took another step back.
Sirius said, "I just thought it would be nice. For you. I know you don't really want to be here but this way it could be more like your place but with more books. We always talked about having a library. When we lived at that flat. We talked about how later we would get a house with a big room you wanted to build into a library. And I promised you that I would make sure you had one. So I thought I should do that. Here."
"Sirius, that was a long time ago and the reasons still stand." Remus remembered those dreams and it was hard to remember at this moment why he shouldn't step up to Sirius right then and embrace him and thank him for making that little dream a reality. He could always pretend these years of loss and agony didn't happen. Except that they did.
Sirius kept talking as if sensing that Remus was wavering. "This is not the house that I wanted to have one day. I really hate it here. You and Harry and the others are the only thing keeping me from going insane. But I can give you this and make your life better. So let me do this, at least."
"Sirius. Please."
Sirius stopped moving. He closed his eyes and smiled a small bitter smile.
"I know I'm not the person that I was, the person you loved. I know it. But I just have to try because you have always been the one thing I've been sure of. You don't need to say anything, just use the room. There might be useful spells here or just solitude. I just know that you still love books."
Sirius turned then and left the room. Remus sat heavily on a nearby leather armchair not even bothering to double check if there was a curse attached to it, as there seemed to be dark spells lurking everywhere in the house. He breathed the comforting smell of old books and tried to remember all the reasons why being with Sirius again would break his heart.
For the next two months, Sirius' mood got worse and Remus wasn't sure if he was the right person to do anything. He was the only person who Sirius would listen to, in any event. But as the weeks passed, and the children left for school, and then Molly and Arthur moved back home after they deemed the house habitable for the Order, Sirius spent more and more time upstairs with Buckbeak and more and more time drunk. Remus did not know whether Sirius found his father's secret liquor stash or if he made Kreacher get him some from the outside.
The only time Sirius tried to be presentable and a little sane was in the evenings when he and Remus spent a little time together. Usually, they would read side by side in the library or even play some Wizarding Games. Those times reminded Remus of the times in the Gryffindor Common Room, even before they got together. Sirius would end the evening by always asking Remus if he changed his mind and would come live in Sirius' room, and always nodded when Remus said, "No, thank you." That became their routine. too.
The rest of time, especially at the Order meetings, Sirius' resentment at being stuck inside, again, was like a cloud hanging overhead. Remus was able to leave for a few hours, here and there, mostly for patrol at the Ministry and he always felt both relieved to be able to breathe some air and guilty because he was leaving Sirius alone and Sirius could not go outside the house.
In the beginning of October, Dumbledore sent him on a mission to the werewolf pack in Cumbria. Remus was going to leave for a whole week, not just a few hours, and Sirius did not take it well. He yelled and screamed, mostly at Dumbledore, and asked to be sent somewhere too - maybe to a foreign country again. When that didn't work, he made Remus promise that he would be back in exactly a week and that Remus would not abandon him. Remus could not bear to see Sirius so desperate. He took Sirius' hands in his which startled Sirius into rapt silence and made him that promise.
And he very much intended to keep that promise. He did not want to live in number twelve Grimmauld Place in the beginning of summer, but by now he had a routine. And he didn't want to leave Sirius for long with his demons. It was hard enough waking up to Sirius roaming the halls because Sirius' nightmares would not let him rest.
The trouble was, he lost his sense of time. It was easy when one was around a werewolf pack, especially with the full moon. Somewhere time blurred and the werewolves insisted not much time went by and it wasn't time for Remus to go yet. He needed to convince this pack to say neutral and not to go over to Greyback's expanding influence and so he stayed. When he realized how much time had passed, that three days disappeared somehow, for the first time he was really afraid of what he would find when he returned home. And yet he still had to stay for a couple more days to make sure this mission was not for nothing.
After a hasty end of the deal and some skillful negotiations, Remus Apparated to the London square and rushed to the house. When he opened the door, the quietness unnerved him but he was afraid to shout and wake the portrait of Mrs. Black. He went room by room. When he saw Kreacher he demanded to know where Sirius was but Kreacher didn't have to obey him, so he only muttered about half-breeds and half-bloods and other slurs. Remus went up the stairs and looked on every floor. Sirius was not in the sitting room, or the library. He was not in his childhood bedroom nor sitting with Buckbeak. Buckbeak looked a little neglected and Remus carefully stepped out of that room.
Finally, feeling deep worry and despair settle deep within his stomach, Remus caught sight of black fur out of the window in his own room. There, in the yard, at the back of the house, in the little garden, in the cold and rainy October air, was Sirius in his Animagus form. His fur looked matted and he wasn't moving.
Remus rushed to the door to get to the yard and it took him some time to find it. His heart was racing. He didn't know what he would do if something actually happened to Sirius, although the logical part of his brain knew that Animagi would revert to their original form if anything drastic actually happened.
He ran into the yard and fell to his knees beside Padfoot. He was breathing, slowly but heavily, and his eyes were glassily staring into some point near the fence.
"Sirius! Sirius, wake up. You need to turn back. Padfoot!" Remus heard himself begging. His voice sounded too panicked. He took a deep breath and put one hand on Sirius's furry head while his other hand was stroking his flank, which was trembling a little.
"Padfoot, please. Please. I'm sorry I'm late. I didn't mean to be. I got held up but I'm here now. I came back. I'll always come back."
Sirius remained as he was, seemingly unaware that Remus was even there. Remus felt tears in his eyes. They were clouding his vision. He should call someone for help, send a Patronus out, but he couldn't move. He couldn't leave Sirius again. He couldn't lose him again.
"Sirius." Remus leaned down and put his head on Sirius' side. He breathed the familiar scent of wet dog and Sirius. He remembered waking up at fifteen for the first time from a Tranformation without any of the pain he usually experienced and finding a big black dog sleeping by his side. Since then, he always associated the smell with safety.
"Padfoot, please, wake up. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Just wake up and we can try again. I promise we can," Remus murmured into Padfoot's fur. He thought of Sirius, so miserable. Why didn't he try to make Sirius' life just a little happier? He needed to try.
He felt Sirius stir under him. Remus raised his head in hope and started crying more earnestly. He didn't remember the last time he cried. But Padfoot was looking at him and then slowly he shifted back into a man.
"Moony, you're here. I thought you left." Sirius' voice was rusty as if he hasn't talked to anyone for a while. He looked a little haggard, too, like he hasn't eaten for days.
"No, no. I just got delayed. I won't leave. I'll never leave you."
Sirius reached up to wipe Remus' tears. He said, "I know you just see me as a friend, Remus, but I'm glad to have you here anyway. Don't cry. Why are you crying?"
Remus just kept stroking Sirius' hair. "I thought that I could be just your friend but I know now how impossible that it."
Sirius looked distraught at that and was trying to get up but Remus held on to him. "I don't know how not to love you. I was afraid. But I'm not anymore. If you still want me."
Sirius smiled. Remus was startled to realize that he hadn't seen Sirius really smile for a very long time. Then Sirius bit his lip, "You won't change your mind again? I know I'm not the same. And I probably won't be fun to live with."
"You're a good man - above all else. You have a good heart, Sirius, I always saw it. And I'd rather have you moody and drunk and yelling at the injustice of it all than lose you."
Sirius's right hand found its way to Remus' left hand and held on."I'll try to be better. I'll try for you."
Remus leaned down and kissed him then. Sirius still tasted like wet dog but Remus didn't mind it. Remus pulled back and smiled. He still felt the tears on his face. "C'mon, let's go inside before you freeze to death. We'll have a nice bath."
He pulled Sirius up by the hand and helped him into the house.
Once upon a time there was a Beauty who had to see beyond his own doubt to the love in his heart and who had to see inside the Beast again to recognize the goodness of the Beast's heart and pure intentions behind a troubled and cursed life. And he got his happily ever after again, if just for a little while. But for that time, amidst all the troubles and war and hardship, he got to be truly happy again. The Beauty never realized that he was living in his favorite story. But then life is never like a fairy tale. It is much better than that.