Chapter 1.
Desperately clamoring for the door handle, a breaking woman nearly tumbled out of the driver's seat of the car that had just pulled into a crumbly suburban driveway. With a small cry, her hands found the ground as quickly as possible. Her fingers, slender and shaking, curled instantly into the earth, holding onto fistfuls of dirt and weeds, needing to feel the solidity of the dry ground. Tremors rolled through the woman's petite body in waves, as she succumbed to the unrelenting, convulsive sobs that were now taking her over completely. The woman who was crumbling as surely as the ancient gravel behind her was named Hayley Williams.
Hayley crossed her arms over her ribcage as tight as she could stand, her fingernails clawing into her sides. She couldn't feel it anyway. Kneeling in the browning grass under gray skies, she couldn't hear even her own thoughts over the cacophony of her uncontrollable crying. Breathless, she knew only that she needed to pull herself together, before she made an even bigger scene. She jerked a trembling hand up to her mouth, balling it into a fist, muffling her gasps. She realized raindrops were falling- a few hours later than the slightly-too-excited weather man on the forecast this morning had predicted, but still rain nonetheless. The thought- Nay, the memory, evoked a pathetic sound from the back of her throat. This morning. This morning, he was still here. She pushed away his name, another squeak escaping her mouth. At first the feverish redhead hadn't noticed the rain, for she was covered in tears and countless beads of cold sweat. Amidst desperate gasps for air, a part of Hayley wanted to stay out in the front lawn forever, not caring about the rain, nor anything else. She was nearly too weak to walk inside at this point anyways, she thought. "What's the point?" She'd thought, "What's the point in anything? I just want to die." And then she stopped herself. While her emotions were real, and she felt lower than she had ever thought possible, she realized how cliché that would be- to fall apart in the front lawn, sobbing your eyes out, getting soaked in a rainstorm. It sounded like something from a bad movie, and it was hard wired into Hayley's personality to avoid clichés, no matter what the situation. Not wanting to be the pathetic girl in the beginning of a cheap, angsty horror flick, she swallowed hard and pushed herself up off the previously parched, now nearly muddy ground. Her entire body shaking violently still, she slowly made her way to the door, fumbling with her keys for a few seconds more than what would've been acceptable, had someone been watching. "Oh god," she thought with a sudden rush of terror, "I hope no one was watching." At this point she felt more embarrassed than anything, most of her prior physical ailments having left her, all except for a few renegade tears still trailing down her cheek.
Stumbling and sniffling, an exhausted Hayley wove through her cluttered house, not caring enough to make it to the bedroom. She collapsed onto the couch, shrugging under a striped knit blanket her mum had given her years ago. The singer closed her heavy eyes and began to slip into sleep within a short minute, her last conscious thoughts tired and defeated. She was a mess, certainly. But at least she wasn't a pathetic cliché movie chick. At least she had her dignity. Sort of.
The next morning came slowly, with Hayley drifting in and out of consciousness, her mind wandering the gray area between her dreams and a cold reality. A series of knocks went unnoticed at her front door. Still sedated with pure exhaustion, the redhead shifted, nestling her face into the crook of the throw pillow she had locked in her arms. She refused to be woken from her peaceful slumber.
Outside in the still afternoon air, Taylor sighed. He tried the door, jiggling the knob, only to be greeted by the bitter click of the lock denying his entry. Stepping off of the cheerful welcome mat at his feet, he stooped over, lifting it and picking up the old key that lay underneath. He felt so uncomfortable just walking into Hayley's house, but she'd told him time and time again that it was okay.
Letting himself inside, he smiled in spite of himself. Before he even had time to call out her name, he saw the tiny female curled up on the sofa. He walked softly past her into the kitchen he knew like his own. He, Jeremy, Kat, and Chad were always over at Hayley's, so it felt like home to everyone, especially since she was so hospitable. Well, he thought as he searched through her refrigerator, it depends on what you would consider hospitable. Hayley was always inviting the dudes over, promising to cook them dinner or something, but then when they arrive, she'll be all, "yeah I dunno, I think there were some chips in the pantry." Taylor chuckled to himself with the thought, cracking eggs on the rim of a large bowl. The point was, everyone felt at home at Hayley's place. Just one of the reasons they all loved her. As he tended to the stove top, Hayley stumbled into the kitchen, stifling a yawn. Without turning around, Taylor greeted her.
"Morning, sleepyhead. Or should I say afternoon.." He mused, pushing an array of eggs and vegetables around in the pan he was holding.
"You-" She started, cut off by another yawn, "You scared me. Thought you were a burglar or something.." she trailed off, walking over to the island in the center of the kitchen, climbing onto a stool, and rubbing her green eyes, which were still thick with sleep.
"Not a burglar, just me," Taylor said, pouring the food onto a small plate. "Bon appetite." Hayley's eyes widened as she saw the food being set before her.
"You- I-?" She was at a loss for words and settled on the act of shoveling the hot food into her mouth as an adequate way to show her gratitude.
"You're welcome," Taylor laughed, as Hayley looked up at him happily between mouthfuls. After the initial euphoria brought on by Taylor's cooking had passed, Hayley slowed down, eating at a normal pace once more.
"So," Hayley said, swallowing, "What brings you to my lovely house this early?" Taylor gave her a funny look.
"It's almost 3:00.." He informed her.
"No way," She replied. He nodded to the clock above the stove, receiving a groan from the tired redhead. They continued talking as Hayley finished eating. The band had to leave for the airport by 4:00, and Brazil was oh so excited to have them. Hayley couldn't believe she'd forgotten to get up, or more that she'd slept so late. Since she'd woken to find Taylor in her kitchen, she hadn't thought about the previous night even once. Now as their conversation winded down, she found her thoughts in dark places again. As Taylor began to pick up her dishes, she stopped him.
"No, you cooked, plus it's my house. Let me do it." Taylor shrugged, he couldn't argue with that. As Hayley walked the plate over to the rest of the dishes on the counter, Taylor unknowingly asked the worst thing he possibly could have.
"So, how'd last night go? You lovebirds are too damn cute," Hayley's green eyes flashed wide open, their usual warmth now vacant and chilling. Her grasp faltered, letting the plate she was holding clatter into the basin of the sink. Taylor didn't seem to notice or think anything of her sudden silence. He continued.
"I wish I'd gotten to see Chad before we leave..." He mused. Hayley stared down into the sink, holding firmly onto the counter with white knuckles as if to steady herself. "..I needed to give him bac-"
She interrupted him, all color drained from her face, "We broke up." Taylor was stunned. Had he just heard her utter those three words? Hayley and Chad had been the closest, most sure couple he'd ever known. They'd been together the longest, told each other everything, and were basically the definition of love. Or so he'd thought. All he knew was that as hard as that had hit him, it must have been a billion times worse for Hayley. As her back remained turned to him, he slowly stood up and approached her small form.
"Hayley.." He said softly, coming towards her with open arms. His sympathy was apparently unwarranted. She turned sharply to face him, her expression dead and uninviting.
"I don't need your pity." She spat the words with icy venom and turned away from him once again. Angrily throwing the rest of the dishes into the sink, she marched past Taylor out of the kitchen and fled to the bathroom. Standing facing where Hayley had previously stood, Taylor was shocked. In all the years he'd known her, that had never happened. He'd never seen her snap like that toward anyone. Walking slowly over to the sofa, he tried not to take it personally. "I'll just let her cool off I guess.." He thought, slightly dazed, sitting and waiting for her to calm down and get ready.
Safe inside her tiny bathroom, Hayley slammed the door and sank to the floor against it. Her breathing was ragged, and it took her a minute or so to calm down until she was confident she wouldn't cry. Standing and looking at herself in the mirror, she quietly spoke.
"What the hell, Hayley?" Her hands held either side of her head, as if she were studying it intently. Which she was, actually. She let one hand drop to the marble counter top and allowed the other to graze the soft skin beneath her eye. Staring at her duplicate, she tried to figure out what had just happened. Maybe it was a defense mechanism her subconscious had put in place to avoid talking about- she felt a lump in her throat at the thought,- Chad? She had no clue but she certainly didn't want it to happen again. She chastised her subconscious. Bitching at Taylor? Not cool. That was a no-no. Deciding she had to be more aware of herself, so this situation wouldn't repeat itself, Hayley shook herself from her thoughts, turned on the faucet and dipped her face into cupped hands. Grabbing a towel from the rack, she dried her face and was met with a knock on the door.
"Ye?" She called. She was surprised at how small her voice sounded. Like, c'mon Hayley, you're gonna apologize to him and it'll be fine. Really, she told herself, taking a breath.
"We've gotta go in 20 minutes," Taylor replied. Hayley's heart dropped when she heard his voice. It was like he was trying to sound casual, but it wasn't working and you could hear the confusion resonating in his voice. As soon as she heard his footsteps beginning to retreat, she hesitantly opened the door and shuffled toward him with her eyes at her feet. He turned around, hearing her at his heels. She stood about 6 inches shorter than the guitarist, who fell 2 inches shy from 6 feet. They stood in silence for a moment before they both began to speak at the same time.
"Do you need something?"
"Taylor I'm really sorry." They spoke quickly and then caught their tongues, waiting for the other to speak again.
"You go," Taylor said, exasperated.
"I'm really sorry dude. I.. I don't know why I did that.." She said as Taylor nodded. The redhead gave him an apologetic smile and shuffled towards him, wrapping her arms around him as he sighed and returned the gesture, giving her a reassuring squeeze.
"Touchy subject, I guess," Taylor concluded as they parted, "we won't say a word about him if you don't want." Hayley smiled.
"That would be perfect," She breathed, visibly relieved. With that resolved, for the time being at least, Hayley ran off to her bedroom, tearing through her closet, settling for a pair of sweatpants and a black V-neck. Once she was dressed she ran out of her room, glancing at the clock on the wall. She had 13 minutes. "C'MON HELP ME," She yelled as she passed Taylor, bounding down the stairs to the basement where she retrieved her suitcase. As she brought it to her room she and Taylor began throwing anything and everything into the suitcase.
"How many pairs of jeans?" Taylor asked.
"I DON'T KNOW, 4," Hayley replied.
"I'LL GET SHIRTS,"
"GOT 2 SWEATERS,"
"DOES IT MATTER IF YOUR UNDERWEAR MATCHES YOUR BRAS,"
"...Taylor.. That's weird.. I'll handle those.." Hayley said, taking her bras from Taylor. They laughed as Hayley packed a couple final items, and went to grab toiletries from the bathroom. "Alright," She said, as they attempted to close it, "that was impressive time."
Hayley hopped up on the bed and jumped on top of the suitcase, holding it down beneath her. Taylor struggled to find the zipper, but managed to get it shut. Hayley rolled off the bed and shrugged into a jacket and some vans.
"Ready?" Taylor asked, picking up the luggage.
"Yep!" the redhead smiled as she grabbed her phone and walked out the door, locking it behind them.
At the airport the two were greeted by Jeremy and Kat.
"There you are, we were beginning to think you'd both gotten lost!" Kat laughed as she greeted the two of them with tight hugs.
"Nooo, not lost, just asleep." Taylor said, looking at Hayley who was blushing.
"I'm sorry!" Hayley said as everyone laughed.
"Hey, where's..-" Jeremy began, but Taylor cut him off with a glare, pulling him and a confused Kat aside while Hayley sighed at her feet. The three huddled with whispers a little bit away from Hayley as Taylor explained the situation. Hayley watched as one by one their heads looked up and back at her, concern and realization filling their faces. Taylor drew everything to a close, pulling the couple back to Hayley. As Taylor stood next to Hayley again, she whispered "thankyou," as he nodded in reply. Things were suddenly tense and quiet between the group. An announcement over the PA broke the absence of words.
Flight 2610 leaving in 10 minutes, it blared.
"That's me," Kat said, as Jeremy frowned. It had been arranged that while Paramore was touring South America, Kat would go back home to visit her family. Jeremy pulled her into a big fluffy hug full of beard and love. After the couple broke their embrace, next was Taylor to receive a hug from Kat. Last of all was Hayley. Kat pulled her into a hug lasting for almost as long as her husband's. As the two women parted, Kat held on to Hayley's hands. She looked up at the brunette with an unconvincing smile.
"Everything will be ok," Kat whispered to her, squeezing her hands. Hayley nodded, looking at her shoes when she realized her eyes were beginning to tear up. Not here, not now she thought. She took a step forward, surprising Kat with a second hug, tighter and more urgent than the first. Trying to control her breathing, Hayley didn't want to move. Ever. She was now realizing how Kat could give such great hugs. "I have to go, Hayley," Kat said quietly as the redhead sighed, unwrapping her arms from around her.
She tried to flash an unconvincing smile as they stepped back, Kat saying a final goodbye to the trio. As she turned and walked to her gate, the band was left alone. Without communicating, they began the march to their own gate, and eventually boarded their flight to Brazil. As the plane idled on the runway, Hayley was left alone with her thoughts. Even with Jeremy to her right and the window to her left, seat 4A felt like the loneliest place on earth, she thought to herself. All she could do was close her eyes and hope for sleep.