Roger sat on a large, squashy couch, flipping through a rumpled newspaper. Mimi leaned against him, her back pressed against his shoulder and her feet resting on the armrest at the end of the couch. She was painted her fingernails a pale lavender. Joanne, wearing half-moon reading glasses, flipped through a thick, floppy book entitled Without You: Life, Love, REN T, And Other Random Crap. By Anthony Rapp. Benny was using a crayon to fill in Maureen's motorcycle in his Rent: The Movie coloring book. A fan blew random bits of paper around the room, briefly ruffling Mimi's hair and Roger's newspaper.
Mimi capped her nail polish, sighed, and looked at the digital clock shaped like a guitar hanging on the opposite wall. "Jesus, they've been gone for more than an hour. I mean, how long a fanfic can one angsty, hormonally-unstable teen write?"
"Oh, I don't know, maybe seven chapters!" Roger said vehemently. He folded his newspaper by crunching it into a ball and throwing at Benny. It bounced off his head and fell to the floor.
"Hey!" cried Benny, looking up and glaring at Roger. "Just 'cause you're upset that Mark screws Maureen in this fic doesn't mean you should throw things at people who are working very hard to color within the lines!" Roger gave Benny the finger, but Benny had already gone back to coloring Angel's jacket.
"Roger, ignore that asshole," soothed Mimi, rubbing the rocker's neck. "Just because Mark and Maureen get to—wait! You're jealous of Mark?" Mimi paused and looked suspiciously at Roger, who was pouting.
"More like jealous of Maureen," muttered Joanne from across the room.
"Shut up! No one ever writes a fanfic where you screw anybody, anyways," Roger said nastily. Joanne put down her book and glared at him. There was a lot of glaring going on.
"Oh, there are tons of MoJo fics, and some of them are in the M section!"
"Big deal! I'm in the M section every other fic, and I don't only get any action from spastic, hyperactive drama queens," challenged Roger.
"Who's a spastic, hyperactive drama queen!" shouted Maureen as she walked through the door. Everyone in the room stared at her. She was dripping wet and wearing a scuba suit and flippers. Ignoring their stares, she flapped over to a beanbag and collapsed onto it, pulling off her diving mask with a sigh of relief.
"What the hell happened to you?" Mimi asked, her eyes wide.
"Oh, we went to the aquarium and Mark fell in to the shark tank, so I had to save him. I think I drowned though, or maybe a shark got me. Anyway," she shrugged, "the chapter's almost up, so they'll be coming any minute." As if on cue, Mark, Collins, and Angel burst into the room, laughing. Or at least, Angel and Collins were laughing. Mark was just as wet as Maureen, and also covered in seaweed. He flopped angrily onto the couch, where Roger and Mimi edged away from him. Angel and Collins chose the other, smaller sofa. Collins sank, still breathless with laughter, onto the end of the sofa and Angel sat on his lap. The two had to wait a minute to calm down. Whenever they looked at Mark, they started laughing again. Finally, when they had stopped, Joanne said, "Would you guys tell us what the fuck happened in that seriously messed up fic, 'cause Mark sure won't." Mark had crossed his arms and was glaring at the gay couple.
"Oh God, it was hilarious," said Angel, fighting another laugh. "The first three chapters were the worst Mark/Maureen fluff I have ever seen, and then some…ok, it started with you two," she gestured at Mimi and Roger, "supposedly sending all of us a letter from your honeymoon." They both groaned.
"I hate marriage fics! They always get all boring and mushy, with us having 'second thoughts' and then 'being sure that the love in our hearts is strong enough' when we see each other on our wedding day," Mimi complained. Roger nodded.
"And you had committed suicide by dropping a toaster into your own bath. It was disturbingly graphic, by the way," Angel said to Joanne. Joanne sighed.
"So of course, " broke in Collins, "Mark had to go and comfort Maureen. Geez, it was pathetic…he bought her a goldfish named Jerry, and then he dropped it, and of course in an effort to save poor Jerry they both got on the floor and suddenly looked up into each other's eyes and…and…" Collins was overcome by a fit of laughter and couldn't talk. Angel picked up the train of thought.
"And there was this real slow moment, with like twenty memories of high school and the prom and buying a puppy who ran away and all that shit, and then they suddenly looked away and apologized. It was all so funny! Oh, and then they had to plan Joanne's funeral, and Mark finally started tonguing Maureen in front of the open coffin!" Roger rolled his eyes, and Mimi patted Mark's shoulder sympathetically, although she wiped her hand off on the couch after doing it. Joanne looked outraged.
"Yeah, but while we have to do all this crap, they spend the entire time either making out, giving us 'be true to your heart' advice, or screwing!" Mark burst out, shooting a murderous look at Collins and Angel, who shrugged and grinned. Angel was about to say something else, but Mark plowed on. "I'm Mark! I shouldn't have to put up with that kind of crappy fanfic! What about all those Mark/Roger fics? People LOVE those! Why do they write this stuff when they can have a nice dirty M/R!" Mark stopped ranting long enough to register that everyone in the room was staring at him. He blinked, cleared his throat, then muttered, "Well, it sucked."
"So, what's with the seaweed and crap?" asked Mimi, who was looking disgustedly at some that had dropped off Mark. Angel, who was fiercely kissing Collins now, stopped long enough to say, "Oh, after they stopped making out, Mark decided to take Maureen on a date to the aquarium to make up for killing Jerry, and then he wanted to get her a piece of coral, but he slipped into the shark tank. So Maureen borrowed a wet suit and managed to save him before a shark attacked her, and it ended with Mark sobbing outside of the tank and blowing a kiss to Maureen as a shark bit off her arm, which was a little too detailed for my taste, might I add." Having said this, Angel turned her attention back to Collins. The rest of the RENT characters glanced at Mark, trying not to laugh or gag. Maureen giggled, and Makr glared in her direction. He shook himself angrily, flinging seaweed everywhere. Mimi squealed as a piece slapped against her leg, and Benny yelped when a particularly wet strip landed on the "I Should Tell You" page, even though he had just found the perfect crayon for Roger's hair.
The door suddenly opened, and Elphaba from the Wicked dressing room down the hall stuck her head in. "Hey, they want some of you guys to get prepped for a new fic in the Romance section, rated T," she said, reading from a slip of paper. "It says 'ROGER, MARK, JOANNE, MIMI for UNTAMED DESIRE. Summary: Roger clings to Mimi, yet she and Mark find each other intensely desirable. Joanne laments her love for Roger, which she knows can never be.' Wow. You guys get the weirdest pairings."
"We know," every single RENT character answered simultaneously. Elphaba started to withdraw her head, but stopped and sniffed the air curiously. "What smells like seaweed?"
They all pointed to Mark, who waved gloomily. "Uh-huh," she said, and hastily closed the door. Maureen and Benny both stared at where her head had just been.
"WOW, that green chick is hot!" said Benny longingly.
"Oh God, I know!" exclaimed Maureen. She and Benny turned and stared at each other. Then they both shuddered and looked away.
Joanne stood up and stretched. "Another fic, another writer completely mangling my character," she said. "Oh well." She walked to the door and went out, leaving the door opened. Roger stood and took Mimi's hand, pulling her up. She was so terrified at the thought of being "intensely desirable" to the seaweed-covered Mark that she was completely frozen. Mark himself, grumbling about how wet his scarf was, stomped from the room, followed by Roger and Mimi.
Maureen reached over and picked up Mimi's bottle of nail polish. She took off her flipper, wiped her foot dry on the carpet, and started to paint her toenails. Benny was intent on finding just the right shade of green for the Range Rover on page 5. Collins and Angel were by now lying on top of each other on the couch, passionately making out. Peace once again reigned in the RENT fanfic dressing room.