Disclaimer: The following is a work of parody. Its content is based on the writing style of ShakespeareHemmingway, who may or may not be our robot overlord (and also on the writing style of The Mighty Milkbone, who may or may not be actual dog food). Negima and UQ Holder! are the property of Ken Akamatsu.

Recommended for alchemists of ages to other ages. Do not transmute this fic unsupervised. Definitely don't transmute this fic while ingesting mercury pills, and for that matter, never ingest mercury pills at all, you fool, did Qin Shi Huang teach your ass nothing. Misuse may result in Ar-Pharazôn's Wild Ride, Lazarus Pit contamination, becoming meguca, or other plot-mandated life extension failures.

Chamo: Deathless Defender

Chamo stepped through whooshing door and onto bridge of orbital starship. Blinking lights blinked on retro panels, and crew members typed into computer blocks. Earth surface appeared on viewscreen ahead.

"Status report, Mr. Seng," said Chamo with Captain words.

"Captain Chamo, there is disturbance! Terrorists are attacking slum district with cowardly ambush!" said Officer Seng with Takei.

Officer Seng clicked buttons and viewscreen focused on Japan. Capital slums appeared, and Chamo saw shadow puppets spreading chaos as they fired guns with oppression.

"This is outrage. Stepping over poor and homeless is not the true man's act." said Chamo with swelling anger.

On Earth, fires burned in streets and citizens despaired for ermine savior.

"I will find the responsible and end their evil." said Chamo with conviction.

"Targeting computers are locked on enemies. Permission to fire, Captain Chamo?" said Officer Bald with eager gleaming in eyes.

"Denied, Officer Bald. Proton blasters will only harm innocents." said Chamo with intelligence.

"But the evil will escape if we do nothing." yelled Officer Bald with righteousness.

"You have good heart but it could be stronger. Watch me careful as I teach manly problem solving." said Chamo with brotherhood and shoulder pats.

"You are going to Earth alone?" said Officer Bald with intuition.

"Yes, I will bring curtain down on stage of wickedry. Goon squads are not worth wasting comrades energy." Chamo smiled with devil-may-caring.

"I am humbled." said Officer Bald with incredible.

"Stay sharp and hold down the fort like I hold down my scotch," said Chamo with farewell quips. Good luck cheers from crewmen followed him on exit.

Chamo walked with steps of purpose down long ship hallway. He passed infirmary with miniskirt nurses checking out his muscles. Starfighters parked in hangar bay with lasers and chrome, but ship weapons were weaker than mighty ermine strength and would only be slowing him down. Transporter beams could not handle his thickness. Chamo nodded sage to self and walked up to launch doors with manful solitude.

"Here I come Earth, it is time to make Deep Impact," said Chamo with movie humor.

Chamo reached for door opening button on walls, but shadowy figure blocked way! It was Officer Stock with Martian and eyebrows.

"Captain, you must bring away team, this is not logical." said Officer Stock with cool of alien.

"Sometimes logic must be tossed to curb like candy wrapper. Lives are at stake and I am all they are needing." said Chamo at unmanly arguments.

"You put needs of many before needs of few. That is logical also." said Officer Stock with understanding.

"Do not stop me." Chamo's fists made proud clenching.

"I know you are true visionary and that is why you lead. If I cannot be convincing you with people, then take special artifacts for safety." said Officer Stock with diplomacy.

Chamo took Galaxy Deluxe Cigar from his friend and traded bro hand clasp. "Sometimes you are not so bad after all, Stock." he said with peace in heart.

"Good and bad are often relative. Live long and shred, Captain." said Officer Stock with hand signs and passing of hoverboard. Then he hit door button and backflipped away from air loss with kung fu.

Chamo grabbed hoverboard and made vigorous jumping into hard vacuum. Space debris threatened with massiveness, but Chamo did ermine acrobatics like eagle falling from sky making love and avoided them with skill. Then Japan elevator rose up and he did sweet grind down cables.

"Don't worry baby, I will be gentle." said Chamo with easy banter.

Chamo was miniature sun streaking into slum district, deflecting bullets from shadow puppets firing up. Suddenly, giant werewolf intercepted him with fists of fury and they made craters on ground. Werewolf changed into human form and revealed Kaito, super martial artist!

"CHAMO it is time for fated rematch! My old wounds from you are aching!" said Kaito with battle mania.

"Retreat from here or eat my fists, jackal man. I have no time for puppy barkings." said Chamo with disrespect.

"I will eat better than that with employer paycheck. Now you DIE." roared Kaito with bloodlust. He charged at Chamo with instant movements and Chamo blocked his punches with molten hoverboard. Then Chamo grabbed shadow puppets and crushed them together for nunchaku.

"You know what they say, not every dog has his day." said Chamo with nunchaku twirling. He cut through puppet ranks like cheese knife through cheese.

"And not all dogs go to HEAVEN." Chamo dodged and smashed Kaito into trash heap with masterstroke.

Chamo ran up to take on more enemies but Chao Xingzai burst in with knifegun combo. "HE HE HE they say you cannot be killed Chamo! Let me taste your immortality!" he said with fetishes.

"You are all so hungry today, I suggest square meal of steel and justice." said Chamo as he deflected shadow bindings with nonchalant.

"GET SERVED." Chamo slipped through guard of Chao Xingzai and kicked him ten kilometers into the air with footprint in face that exploded.

Perverted soldier was down, but the fight was not over. Chamo dueled blind hunter swordsman Nagumo while Kaito jumped back in with transforming.

"Good recovering." Chamo nodded recognition to werewolf.

"I am strong. I am so strong. I am stronger than all your family and pets combined." said Kaito with smug.

"Your manliness has improving." said Chamo with grudging.

"...But TRUE manliness is eternal!" Ermine gatling punches destroyed ground and forced terrorists back, but then Kaito used supersonic treachery and stabbed Chamo with seal shaped like nicotine patch, making his hardboiled power drain away.

"Smoker powers...leaving me." gasped Chamo with crippling.

"You are...no man at all." Whole Earth shook like nervous maiden as Chamo fell to knees. Kaito advanced with threatening steps.

"Chamo I have regret but world of money comes first. I will spare you seeing destruction here." said Kaito with quiet of serious.

"Not yet." With emergency thinking, Chamo lit Galaxy Deluxe Cigar and it transformed into giant mech form with flaming lion mane of pure energy, firing bourbon rockets at attackers. Ermine and robot struggled but villains put up worthy fight with teamwork. Galaxy Deluxe Cigar could not handle them and Chamo began to shrink with straight edge weakness. Things were looking bad when Chamo heard familiar cry of war.

"AMAKOOOOOOO."

It was Negi Springfield riding meteorite through atmosphere with gravity blade strapped to his back! Negi Springfield whipped out black magic guitar and recharged Chamo with power solo, making his muscles double in size and patch seal burn off.

"Impossible!" said Nagumo with flabbergasting.

"The mettle of your chains is no match for the metal in my veins." said Chamo with rock and roll.

"We make impossible change every day!" said Negi Springfield with landing and bro fist bump.

Terrorist duo hung back, sensing doom. "It is good to see you again Bro." said Chamo with long years comrade.

"Likewise, now let us clean up messes." Negi Springfield drew gravity blade for stabbings.

"NOT SO FAST, MEN OF OUTER SPACE! You will pay for interference in my designs!" boomed terror voice from edge of slums.

"This voice...!" said Negi Springfield with alarm.

"It cannot be." added Chamo with grim.

Mastermind revealed itself, and Chamo and Negi Springfield turned to contend with dread forces of [GENTLEMAN SASQUATCH]––

Neo Tokyo, 208X

Black-suited men ran through the base hallways, armed to the teeth and toting emergency aid kits, racing toward the sounds they'd heard erupting from outside. Was it an attack? A fight? Some sort of maritime accident? Causes notwithstanding, their time had finally come. Grunts had their uses too, damn it!

"Ane–!"

In a flash, they arrived...and paused. And grumbled amongst themselves. And eventually walked off, sheathing their weapons glumly.

...Their Numbers really needed to stop doing this sort of thing, they decided.

Tokisaka Kuroumaru watched from the shoreline, gazing out at the lake as violently displaced water rose up in plumes. Between them darted a tiny white shape, sleek and furry, and Konoe Touta pursued it with singleminded determination. Kuroumaru sighed as one of his friend's strikes went off-course and sent a wall of spray out in front of him. Touta-kun, this is so like you. I turn my back for one moment and already something ridiculous happens.

Despite all appearances to the contrary (and perhaps some less-than-favorable assumptions), Touta wasn't trying to fight anyone. Rather, he was trying to catch them...though he had yelled something about wringing them out like a meaty dishcloth, so maybe there wasn't much difference after all. Kuroumaru suspected it would prove a difficult challenge either way, if all the rumors floating around were to be believed.

Touta's hands snapped out, missing again, and he tumbled brokenly over the lake's surface. "What's so funny, you old coot?!"

"Your face, kiddo! Ba ha ha ha–yoink!"

THOOM! "Get back here!"

"Nope."

"I'm disgusted as hell!"

"Don't be!"

"If you're gonna write bad fanfics of reality, at least leave us in there!" Another miss, another water plume. "We almost died for that crap!"

"Artistic license!"

"AAAAAGH!"

As with other parts of his life, Kuroumaru didn't know quite what to feel about UQ Holder's honorary advisor. Albert Chamomile had been a walking experience sink during the first half of the century, and time had only made him cannier; his random tips on Shinmei-ryu had come as a wonderful shock. To Kuroumaru's chagrin, however, the ermine spirit was also a prankster extraordinaire and a lecher without equal. Naughty demons treated him almost as an object of worship. If panties had a god, that god was dead.

And yet Chamo was a secret-keeper above all that. His secret-keeper. One of two, now.

Kuroumaru glanced over at the brick walkway nearby. Yukihime sat at a small table under an umbrella, chuckling at images on a personal holopad. Just what was she looking at? She'd said something about "creative differences" – was that what had set Touta off?

Striding briskly, Kuroumaru reached the table as Karin appeared and poured Yukihime some unfamiliar-looking tea from an iced pitcher. The girl straightened, her maid uniform shifting, and she fixed him with a dauntlessly neutral look.

"Um...Yukihime-san, if I might have a moment?"

Yukihime cracked her neck left and right, then leaned back in her chair. "Oh. Kuroumaru. Something up?"

Argh, why does asking this feel so awkward? "I hate to impose on your time, but...why is Touta-kun acting this way? Surely Albert-san didn't so something that horrible?"

Karin's grimace was weak but noticeable. "I am going to pretend you never said that, Tokisaka-san."

Kuroumaru bit back a that wasn't directed at you that took him by surprise with its fierceness. What was wrong with him today? Be calm, don't make a fool of yourself. He tried to stand relaxed as Yukihime said, "Ah, right, sometimes I forget about your upbringing.

"Today, student–" She turned her holopad for him to see. "–you get a lesson in something called fanfiction."

He read.

He learned.

He wished he'd done neither.

Minutes passed before he managed, "Albert-san wrote these?"

"Yup."

"About real people?"

"Yup."

"And Touta-kun saw them?"

"Ding ding ding! We have a winner!"

Kuroumaru put his face in his hand. His world felt like it had slipped its axis. "This is obscene," he muttered.

"Then our hearts are united," said Karin. Kuroumaru thought he sensed "for once" at the end of her sentence.

"I...see?"

"I find that one's existence offensive," she explained. "As do you, apparently."

"Eh, well, I wouldn't go so far–"

"Yukihime-sama, shall I end him?"

Yukihime uncrossed and recrossed her legs, tapped her fingernails on the table, and hummed to herself. After a long moment, she made a dismissive gesture and said, "Meh, don't bother. It's not worth the time. Besides, he enjoys the exercise."

"Tell me about my grandpa, you bushy hobgoblin!"

"Whoooop-whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop–"

Everyone turned and stared. It was hard to look away, but they did.

"So many grammatical errors..." Kuroumaru shuddered and fingered his sword hilt. Word choice had been perhaps the least objectionable thing about those stories. "And Albert-san writes some very...unique takes on relationships, I've noticed." True man's way, indeed! I could skin him!

"That's intentional badness. The grammar, at least. He likes to think he's a comedian."

And Yukihime-san did laugh. Just a little, but she did. "A comedian. Funny. Yes." Kuroumaru bowed. Something inside his head was telling him it was time to hook this comedian offstage. "Please excuse me, but I need to join Touta-kun's, er, dialogue."

BOOM!

"Don't break anything important."

"Mm."

Yukihime's piercing eyes tracked him then, his longcoat a black blur streaking off toward the latest explosion, and she spared a moment to finish her drink, sniggering to herself between sips. She set the glass down and said, in English, "Ah, god, that kid's gonna ream him so bad."

"Of course, Yukihime-sama. More tea?"

She and Karin lived in silence, absorbed in the seemingly endless chase before them, until she sighed and turned once more to the holopad. The device was Chamo's, not hers, human-sized to suit the bizarre alternate form he'd discovered a few decades earlier ("life imitating art," he'd called it, to the awe of some and the horror of many). His device, alone and unguarded, the perfect target for sabotage. Hadn't some of her nicer undergarments just gone missing again?

Yukihime's finger paused over the holopad's touch interface, and she considered the document gleaming in midair. Was this forgivable? Chamo was one of the Remnant, she reminded herself. And for all he reveled in taking the "crazy uncle" position in her ward's life, she hadn't missed the sad looks he gave Touta when he thought nobody was watching. This may not last, you know. You know.

She dithered; then she saved the document, saved everything still open, shut the device down as cleanly as she knew how and slipped it into the bag at her feet. The mutant could have it back later, sometime when life was less hectic. There. Now no one could say she wasn't a loving leader every now and again.

...Not that she'd go out of her way to advertise it, of course. She had a reputation to uphold.

"Nyohohohohoho~! Striiiiiiike!"

"Ugh! Devious little...!"

So it went that Negi Springfield's lifelong ally danced with danger in gleaming rain under a cloudless sky as if he'd never aged a day...which was, believe it or not, the truth.

It wasn't such a bad thing, really.

Author's Notes: Because we all know who the true unkillable man of the Akamatsuverse is.

And yes, this one's the final parody. It was great fun while it lasted.

Once again, thank you for reading.