Opening Montage
Song: "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha
We see Quinn wake up in the morning. Next, we see her emerge from a house with Jim. They jump into a Silver Camaro SS and race down the street. This is followed by a shot of Quinn and Jim fawning over Chuck and Stacy's baby. Next, a shot of Kevin trying to mow his lawn while talking to Quinn and Jim. Pan out to reveal that he has accidentally mowed down Brittany's rose bush. Next, we see Sandi at a restaurant with a girl. They look like they're more than just friends. Cut to a shot of Helen telling off Eric. Next, Daria and a guy on a double-date with Quinn and Jim. Finally, we see the new Camaro pull up to the house as Quinn and Jim walk in. Once the door closes cut to Quinn's smiling face in a circle with a pink background. Below that...
Quinn
in
"Quinn The Matchmaker"
written by
WildDogJJ
Morgendorffer House, day...
Daria is in her room reading a book. Her look is a little different. Her glasses are wire frames instead of coke bottles and instead of a sweater or a bulky green jacket she's wearing a green t-shirt that, while not super tight, does reveal that she has curves. She's traded the wrap skirt for a pair of blue jeans and her boots have been replaced by red sneakers. She's so into the book that she doesn't hear the doorbell ring. What finally gets her attention is...
Jake: (VO from downstairs) "Daria, your sister's here!"
Daria puts down her book and smiles. She and Quinn have come a long way from their old sibling rivalry. A few minutes later Daria and Quinn walking from the front door to Quinn's car. Quinn looks more chipper than usual. She said "So, sis, ready for a day of sisterly bonding?"
Daria said "Ready as I'll ever be."
They enter Quinn's car and drive off.
Parking lot at Lawndale Mall...
Quinn had been driving while Daria rode in the front seat. Before exiting the parked vehicle the two sisters make conversation.
Quinn said "Thanks for agreeing to go shopping with me, Daria."
Daria looks suspicious.
"Okay, Quinn, what gives?"
"What do you mean?"
Daria said "You come back from a weekend at the shore with Jim and the first thing you do is beg me to spend a day shopping with you, and only you, despite the fact that I don't like shopping. You keep pushing until I say yes and insist that no one else come along. Why?"
Playing coy, Quinn said "I just wanna spend quality time with my sister."
Daria said "There's more to it this time, I can tell."
Quinn smiles even more brightly.
"I have to tell you something, Daria. Something I want you to know before anyone else does."
Daria replied "Well, we're alone in your car in a mall parking lot. Are you going to tell me?"
With a huge smile, Quinn said "Better yet, I'll show you. Close your eyes?"
Daria stated "Ten years ago I'd think this is a trick, but since then you've more than earned the benefit of the doubt."
Daria closes her eyes. She keeps them shut until...
"Alright, open them!"
Daria's opens her eyes. The first thing she sees is Quinn's left hand with a huge diamond ring on her finger. Daria is pleasantly surprised.
"You mean...!?"
Quinn can barely contain her excitement.
"Yes. Jim proposed and I said yes. I wanted you to be the first to know that I'm engaged."
Daria smiles.
Later, at Pizza King...
Jim and Mack are having lunch and catching up. Jim has just told Mack about his engagement to Quinn.
Mack said "Congratulations, man."
Jim said "Thanks, Mack."
"So, any idea when the wedding's gonna be?"
"We haven't had a chance to plan any of that yet. All I know for sure is that the groomsmen will include my brother, Chris. I also want you to be one of the groomsmen."
Mack smiles.
"I'd consider it an honor, Jim. You have anyone else in mind."
Jim said "Definitely Chuck. Not only is he a good friend of mine but it'd be unfair to not have him as a groomsman since it's pretty much a forgone conclusion that Stacy's gonna be a bridesmaid."
Mack asked "What about Kevin?"
Jim said "I'll invite him. After all, he's my friend despite being an annoying idiot half the time."
Mack gives Jim a "who are you kidding" type of look, which Jim notices.
Jim amended "Okay, he's an annoying idiot all of the time."
Mack said "At least he didn't stick you with a nickname that you hate."
"Thank God."
At this point, they're approached by Kevin.
"Yo, Jim, Mack Daddy! What's up?"
Mack groans. Without waiting for an invitation Kevin sits himself down next to Mack.
"So, like, what's going on, dudes?"
Jim said "I'm engaged to Quinn."
Kevin looks sympathetic.
"Dude, that sucks. Welcome to the club. You know, fatherhood isn't that bad."
Mack rolls his eyes while Jim gives Kevin a curious look.
Jim said "Kevin, what are you talking about?"
Kevin said "Duh, bro. You, like, knocked Quinn up."
Now Jim rolls his eyes.
"Quinn's not pregnant."
Kevin looks confused.
"So, um, why are you marrying her?"
Jim and Mack both roll their eyes.
Meanwhile, at the mall...
Quinn and Daria are in the food court having lunch. Quinn is eating a salad while Daria is having a slice of pizza. Daria asked "You sure you didn't want some pizza, Quinn?"
Quinn said "Daria, I can't eat that now. I need to fit into a wedding dress in a few months."
"I guess some things never change."
Both sisters laugh. At this point, Daria spots a happy young couple laughing over pizza. Next, she sees an elderly couple holding hands and looking at each other like a pair of lovesick teenagers. Finally, she looks Quinn's engagement ring. As a result Daria is suddenly looking sad, which Quinn notices.
"Daria, what's wrong?"
Daria now looks angry. In a tone that is both sarcastic and hostile, Daria said "Nothing. I'm the anti-social one, remember. I don't need anyone."
Quinn is undeterred.
"Now I know something's wrong. You wouldn't be this snippy otherwise."
Daria frowns.
She knows me better than I think. "Quinn, sorry I snapped just now. You're right, something is wrong."
Quinn is visibly concerned.
"Is it something to do with me?"
"Yes and no."
Quinn looks puzzled, which Daria notices.
Daria said "I'm a little jealous. You're engaged, you have a successful YouTube channel. I'm stuck living with my parents and despite all of my efforts I'm still unemployed. All of your friends are here in Lawndale while Jane and Trent are in New York and...well...you see..."
Daria can't bring herself to say it. Quinn immediately figures it out.
"You're lonely, aren't you."
Daria nods, relieved that she didn't have to say it herself. She explained "Don't get me wrong, Quinn. I enjoy spending time with you but you're engaged, your best friend is married with a kid while my best friend lives two hours away and I'm single."
Quinn immediately understands.
"You want to be in a relationship again."
Daria nods.
Quinn asked "So why don't you get out there and start dating again?"
Daria answered "Quinn, I seriously doubt there's anyone in Lawndale that I'm compatible with."
"Daria, that can't possibly be true."
"I don't know where to look. Finding people on my level is a lot easier in a big city than a sheltered upper middle class suburb."
Quinn looks thoughtful.
Quinn and Jim's apartment, evening...
Quinn and Jim are watching TV while their dog, Storm, rests at their feet. Cut to the TV and we see a latin man in priestly vestments hold a drug dealer at gun point in front of a church altar.
Monsignor Martinez: "Vaya con Dios."
He shoots the drug dealer in the face. Cut to Quinn and Jim. Quinn said "I used to watch "Monsignor Martinez" all the time back in Highland."
Jim said "Now, aren't you glad I bought the complete series."
Jim decides to change the subject. He paused the DVD and said "You know, Kevin can't wrap his mind around the fact that a guy might want to marry a girl because he loves her and not just because he knocked her up. Just a heads up, you may have to deal with pregnancy rumors for a while."
Quinn said "No big deal. People take it with a grain of salt when the source is Kevin."
Jim asked "So, how was your day of sisterly bonding?"
In a serious tone, Quinn said "It was nice."
Jim notes the serious tone in his fiancée's voice.
"I feel a "but" coming."
Quinn said "Daria's lonely. I kind of felt bad for her. I think she's a little jealous that we're engaged but she hasn't found someone. I wanna try and fix her up with someone but I don't know who."
Jim asked "Well, what does she usually go for in a guy?"
Quinn answered "A smart guy who's reasonably attractive and shares her snarkiness and truly understands her."
With a playful grin, Jim joked "I know someone like that. Only problem is you snagged me first."
Quinn giggles.
Jim suggested "You could try setting her up with Mack."
Quinn shook her head and explained "He had a brief fling with Jane in college."
"Wasn't Daria's first boyfriend a guy who dated Jane first?"
Quinn said "Yes, but after Tom she swore off any guy who'd previously been with Jane. Chuck would be a possibility but he's happily married to Stacy. Even if he wasn't it'd be hard to get Daria over the fact that he used to be Upchuck."
Jim commented "I still find it hard to believe he was that repulsive in high school. Any ideas?"
Quinn said "She and Tom already dated in high school. It didn't work out then and it really won't work out now."
Jim nods in understanding.
Quinn continued "She briefly hit it off with a guy in high school, Ted DeWitt-Clinton, but he blew her off on their first date."
Jim said "That was over ten years ago. I doubt he's the same now."
Quinn dismissively said "You've got that right. He doesn't even live in Lawndale anymore. Last I heard he was in Fort Lauderdale sharing an apartment with his boyfriend."
Jim's jaw drops.
"Boyfriend?"
Quinn said "Yeah, turns out he's gay. I don't think we want a repeat of the disaster Sandi had last year."
Quinn looks thoughtful, then discouraged.
"This is gonna be harder than I thought."
Morgendorffer House, the next evening...
Music: "Fireflies" by Owl City
Jake, Helen and Daria are in the kitchen sitting down to have dinner. Quinn and Jim are there. They've just announced their engagement to Jake and Helen. Jake reacted as expected.
"GAH! YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO GET MARRIED! JIM, DID YOU GET MY LITTLE GIRL PREGNANT!? I'LL KILL YOU!"
Jim rolls his eyes.
"Why does everyone assume I got Quinn pregnant?"
This snaps Jake out of it. He breathes a huge sigh of relief.
"OH, THANK GOD! MY LITTLE GIRL ISN'T KNOCKED UP!"
Now, Quinn rolls her eyes.
Calming down, Jake added "I still think you're too young though, sweetie."
Daria rhetorically asked "Weren't you and Mom young when you got married?"
Jake said "Yeah, but I was twenty-five and your mother was twenty-four."
Now it's Helen who rolls her eyes.
"Jake, Quinn's twenty-six."
Jake looks amazed.
"Really!? Wow!"
Trying not to laugh, Jim said "That always kills me how you don't know your daughter's own ages."
Jake blushes with embarrassment before burying his face in a newspaper. Helen turns her attention to her younger daughter.
"So, Quinn, have you set a date?"
"Not yet, Mom."
Daria eyes Quinn coldly.
"I'll be in my room."
She gets up and walks away. Once she's gone Quinn looks very concerned.
Daria's room, a short time later...
Daria is watching TV. Cut to the TV and we see a guy walk in on his wife with another man.
TV Annoucer: "What's the worst thing about the recession? You can't bang your girlfriend when her husband's always home. Laid Off Love Triangles, next on Sick, Sad World."
Cut to Daria. She looks impassive, as usual. At this point, Quinn enters her room.
"Daria, can I talk to you?"
Daria sighs.
"What's on your mind, Quinn?"
Quinn has a seat next to Daria on the bed. She said "About our conversation at the mall. This lonliness thing is really getting to you, isn't it?"
Daria deadpanned "Am I that obvious?"
Quinn, with a deadpan that would rival her sister's, said "Given how you were at dinner, I'd have to say yes."
Daria explained "Quinn, I'm lonely but there's nothing I can do about it. Without Jane around I've been reverting back to my old anti-social self."
"Well, I know you've had boyfriends since Tom. How'd you meet them?"
Daria said "Some were classmates while others I met through either Jane or you. I don't know where to look in this town. I doubt I'd ever find someone I'm compatible with around here anyway."
Quinn visibly feels bad.
"Why don't I find someone to fix you up with? You could double with me and Jim."
Daria immediately remembered the time she was on yearbook in high school. Quinn had set her up on a date in order to gain influence. It didn't go well.
"We tried that in high school, remember? As I recall, it didn't go well."
Quinn said "Different time, different circumstances and I was a different person back then. This time I wanna help you find someone that you can connect with. You're lonely and I wanna help."
Daria said "As much as I appreciate the sisterly concern how are you going to find someone I can click with?"
"Daria, you're my sister. I know what makes you tick better than anyone."
Not buying it, Daria asked "Do you even know what I look for in a guy?"
Ignoring the disbelieving tone, Quinn said "Someone who shares your interests, is on your intellectual level, gets your sense of humor and looks reasonably good, although I know that's not a deal breaker if he doesn't. It's all about overall compatibility."
Daria half smiles.
She really does get me. "Okay, I'll let you fix me up with someone."
Quinn smiles and hugs her sister.
"Thanks, Daria."
She starts to leave when...
"Quinn, are you sure you can find someone like that for me?"
"Duh, I'm the one with the people skills."
Lawndale Public Library, the next day...
Music: "She Wolf" by Shakira
Quinn is sitting in a chair reading "The DaVinci Code" by Dan Brown.
I didn't know Saint Peter was a sexist.
She puts the book down and scans the area. She soon spots someone reading the book "1984" by George Orwell.
Daria likes Orwell.
Quinn loses hope when she notices that the reader is a man of at least seventy.
Never mind, too old.
Next, Quinn spots someone reading something by Kafka.
Daria's into Kafka.
She loses hope again when she notices the reader is a boy who can't possibly be older than fifteen.
Too young.
She continues to scan the room. She spots someone reading "Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad. Pan out to show a good looking guy in his mid-to-late twenties. He has short black hair, wire frame glasses, and a generally nice build. He's wearing a t-shirt that says "Those who can't do, teach." Cut back to a satisfied looking Quinn.
Perfect. Now, move in for the kill.
Quinn gets up and walks up to the guy.
"Excuse me."
The guy looks up. Quinn smiles sweetly at him.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I noticed that book you're reading. What's it about?"
The guy said "It's a story about war and how it brings out the savagery in ones soul. It's an interesting analysis on the dichotomy of the human soul."
Quinn feigns interest.
"That's sooo cool. My name's Quinn Morgendorffer, by the way."
The guy shakes her hand.
"Doug Mellner."
A few hours later...
Quinn and Doug walk out of the library and are making light hearted conversation.
Doug said "You know, Quinn, you seem pretty interesting."
He's visibly nervous.
"Um, Quinn."
"Yes."
Doug said "I was wondering, if you're not doing anything, maybe we could go out on Friday night."
Quinn said "Don't get me wrong, Doug. I'm flattered and I do find you attractive, but..."
Quinn shows him the ring.
"...I'm engaged."
Doug looks a little put off.
"Then why were you acting all interested in me?"
Quinn said "I wanted to get a sense about you. It's like this, I promised my sister that I'd fix her up with someone. You seem like the type of guy she'd hit it off with. You're smart and share some of her interests. I acted like I had those same interests in order to see if there was any potential between you and her. I'm sorry for leading you on like that, but my sister's kind of picky."
Doug said "So she asked you to find someone and vet him? I like that."
Surprised, Quinn said "You do!?"
"That much attention to detail maximizes success."
Quinn said "How about a double date on Friday? You, my sister, me and my fiancee."
Doug said "Sounds fun."
Quinn smiles in triumph.
Quinn, you are too good at this.
A street in Lawndale, evening...
Music: "21 Guns" by Green Day
Quinn's car is driving down the street. Inside, Quinn driving while Jim rides shotgun. Daria is in the back wearing a black blouse and makeup.
Daria said "I can't believe I let you guys talk me into this."
Jim said "Relax, Daria. It's just a date."
"That's what Lincoln said?"
Quinn said "Relax, sis. I completely vetted this guy. He's definitely your type."
The car pulls up to an apartment complex. Doug is outside, waiting. Quinn, Jim and Daria step out of the car and walk up to him.
Quinn said "Hi, Doug."
Doug smiles.
"Hey, Quinn."
"Doug, this is my fiancee, Jim Carbone."
Jim and Doug shake hands.
"Nice to meet you, Jim."
"Same here, Doug."
Quinn said "And this is your date. My sister, Daria Morgendorffer."
Doug holds out his hand.
"Hey, Daria."
Daria shakes Doug's hand.
"Hey, Doug."
They walk toward the car. Doug sees Quinn enter the driver's side. He turns to Jim.
"Why are you letting her drive?"
Jim said "It's her car."
Doug asked "Why didn't you use your car?"
Jim explained "Because my car's a Camaro. You ever try to seat four people comfortably in one of those?"
Doug said "You know, it's not very manly to let your woman drive on a date."
Jim looks concerned while Daria looks offended.
Governors Park Restaurant...
Quinn, Jim, Daria and Doug are sitting at the table. Daria does not look like she's enjoying herself.
Doug said "So, you live with your parents?"
Daria said in her usual deadpan "Yes, despite having a BA in English and a PhD in Literature. Money well spent, especially since it wasn't mine."
Doug shrugs.
"In this economy that's no surprise. Beats living on the street."
Daria remarked "Deregulation at it's worst."
Doug retorted "Or maybe putting the Democrats back in congress. They messed things up."
Daria's eyes narrow.
"Excuse me, but lax regulation is what created a situation where financial meltdown was likely."
Doug pedantically said "I find your statement to be naive. If we'd held true to capitalism the market would have corrected itself before it got to this point."
Sarcastic, Daria said "Do you also believe Saddam Hussein had WMD's as well?"
Doug retorted "Irrelevant. We liberated an oppressed people."
Daria shot back "By causing a civil war."
Quinn and Jim are now visibly uncomfortable. The tension is making them nervous. Quinn decides to change the subject.
"You know, I just remembered...um...well...my friend, Stacy. The day care center at the TV station is really something for little Chucky."
That gets Doug's attention.
"TV station?"
Quinn said "Yeah, she's a news reporter for KSBC. Maybe you've seen her, Stacy Ruttheimer?"
Doug gives Quinn a disapproving look.
"You're friends with a member of the liberal media?"
Now, it's Quinn who's offended.
"Excuse me!?"
Doug said "That explains Daria's misguided opinions. You've been influenced by left-leaning elitists."
Both Quinn and Daria stare daggers at Doug. Jim looks very uncomfortable.
"Um, Maybe we should talk about something else."
At the table next to them a young couple is being seated by a hostess. The woman is a beautiful blonde white woman while the man is a handsome looking black man. Doug gives the interracial couple a disapproving look.
"Here we go." he said, "Put one black guy in the White House and now they're stealing our women. You should stick to your own kind."
Quinn, Jim and Daria are all visibly offended.
Daria said "And since when does skin color become a deal breaker in relationships."
In a disparaging tone, Doug said "You mean you condone the idea of a white woman slutting out with a n #%&$*!?"
Daria, Quinn and Jim all gasp in shock.
The parking lot, less than a minute later...
Doug is standing on the curb in open mouthed shock while Quinn, Jim and Daria drive off and leave him behind.
The Liquid Dinner, later that evening...
Music: "Bulletproof" by La Roux
Quinn, Daria and Jim are at the bar. Jim is having a beer while Quinn is drinking a club soda (she's driving) and Daria is having a Gin and Tonic. Quinn said "Sorry about that, Daria. If I'd known he was a racist neo-con I never would've tried to fix you up with him."
Daria sighs.
"That's alright, Quinn. You paying for my drinks sort of makes up for it."
At this point, Daria spots a guy in his late twenties. He has wavy, light brown hair, wire frame glasses and is physically good looking. He looks up and notices Daria. He smiles and waves. This causes Daria to blush, which Quinn notices.
"Daria, it wasn't that humiliating, was it?"
Daria is speechless. Jim looks and sees the guy Daria was checking out.
"I just spotted the source of her speechlessness."
Quinn looks over and sees the guy. He immediately averts his gaze. Quinn has a knowing smile.
"Daria," she said "...you and that guy were checking each other out, weren't you?"
Daria blushes a second time.
"Um...well...yeah..."
Quinn said "Well, go talk to him."
Daria said "Quinn, one seemingly nice guy turning out to be a creep is all I can stomach in one night."
"How will you know whether or not he's a creep if you don't talk to him?"
Jim said "She's right, Daria. After all, that's how Quinn and I got together."
Quinn said "Yeah, I talked to a stranger on a train and four years later I'm marrying him. You once told me it was all about giving people a chance. Why don't you give this guy a chance?"
Daria looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Jim immediately understands.
"You're afraid you'll say something weird and scare him off, aren't you?"
Daria sheepishly nods.
Jim said "I get that. It was the same thing when I met Quinn. That's why she had to make the first move."
Quinn said "Best decision I ever made."
Daria asked "What are you guys saying?"
Jim said "Have you considered the possibility that he wants to talk to you but he's too nervous?"
Daria looks thoughtful.
Quinn said "Take the risk, Daria. Who knows? Maybe in four years you'll be getting ready for a walk down the aisle."
Daria sighs. She walks over to the guy.
"Um, hey."
The guy said "Sorry if I creeped you out when I smiled and waved. I was just trying to be friendly."
Daria explained "You didn't creep me out. I was actually afraid I'd creeped you out by looking at you."
"No, I was flattered."
Daria blushes.
"Um...can I sit down? Um...I mean.."
The guy smiles.
"Sure. My name's Mark Winfield, by the way."
"Daria Morgendorffer."
They shake hands.
"Pleased to meet you, Daria."
Cut back to Quinn and Jim. They both have knowing smiles.
Some time later...
Mark and Daria are seated at the table having conversation.
"...so it turned out the guy was a racist neo-conservative."
With a shrug, Mark said "Well, it could've been worse."
Daria deadpanned "Oh, Yeah, I could've been fixed up with a serial killer."
With equal deadpan, Mark said "Nothing says "I love you" like a severed head."
Daria remarked "Especially if the head belonged to your worst enemy."
Mark said "I figured you'd see the bright side. I like the way you think."
Daria said "Just so you know, I believe in racial and gender equality."
"So do I, despite society's constant failure to live up to that standard."
Daria smiles. Mark gets out a pen and a piece of paper. He writes something and hands it to Daria. Daria looks puzzled.
Mark said "Don't worry, it's not a creepy note. Unless a phone number and e-mail address creeps you out."
Daria takes the paper.
"Thanks."
She writes something down and hands it to Mark.
"Here's mine."
Mark takes it and smiles.
A street in Lawndale, later that evening...
Music: "Bad Romance" by Lady Ga Ga
We see Quinn's car driving down the road. Cut to inside the car. Quinn is driving while Jim is in the front seat and Daria is in the back. Quinn said "So, Daria, you and that guy seemed to hit it off."
Daria said "His name's Mark. He's smart and gets my sense of humor."
Smiling, Quinn said "See, Daria. You went out on a limb and met someone that you get along with."
"Yes. We bonded over shared sarcasm and cynicism. The perfect foundation for any relationship. We exchanged phone numbers and e-mail."
Jim said "Now, aren't you glad we went out tonight?"
Daria said "Well, my sister did set me up on a date with a racist asshole."
"Hey, he seemed like your type. I didn't know what a jerk Doug actually was."
Daria said "Since you apologized by buying me drinks at a bar where I met someone I can stand for more than a few seconds, you're forgiven."
Quinn smiles.
Daria said "Jim, in answer to your question, yes I am glad we went out tonight."
Jim smiles as they approach the Morgendorffer house. The car comes to a stop and Daria gets out.
Pizza King, the next day...
Quinn and Stacy are having lunch. Little Chucky is next to Stacy in a baby carridge. Quinn is telling Stacy about the double date.
"...so in the end it all worked out. Daria met a guy that she hit it off with. I just wish I'd shown better judgment beforehand."
Stacy asked "Well, how could you have known he was a racist jerk?"
Quinn said "I pride myself on being able to read guys with ease. Back in high school I would've noticed something off."
"Quinn, you're not perfect, none of us are."
"I guess you're right."
Stacy said "Tell me about this other guy."
Quinn said "His name's Mark. He actually has a personality very similar to Daria's."
"So, Daria's living at home and has met a partner in crime. Like that song by Bowling For Soup says, high school never ends."
"Tell me about it."
Morgendorffer House, that evening...
Daria is in her room reading when the phone rings. She answers.
"Hello?"
On the other end, Mark said "Hey, Daria, it's Mark. Listen, if you're not doing anything tomorrow night..."
Next Time
Quinn and Jim move out of their apartment and into a new house. There's just one problem: their next door neighbors are Kevin and Brittany.