Standing STILL
"Come on, come on! Pick up you bastard!"
The phone rang twice more before going to voice mail once again.
"Damn it!" Kagami stopped running. Putting his hands on his knees he tried to suck more oxygen into his lungs, he was completely out of breath and his chest stung with every inhale. He was sweating despite the cold weather and his breath came out in little clouds of white as he panted. "Shit!" He swore again. Where are you?
Everything was going fine that day until about an hour ago.
The redhead had the shared apartment all to himself today because his boyfriend was being forced to go to a game that was being held at his school. Even though Aomine said he wasn't going to play, the coach was still making him show up regardless.
Kagami was enjoying his night of just laying around until he looked at the clock and realized that it was pretty late and the Tou player hadn't made it home yet. He pushed off his feeling of unease, thinking that the team had probably just gone out to eat and were talking or something, and he went back to watching tv. Slowly the night dragged on and as more time passed, he started to get worried. And that's when his phone rang.
"Hello?" He quickly answered, hoping it was Aomine.
"Kagami-kun?"
"Oh, hello Momoi, what's up?"
"Kagami-kun! Is Aomine with you?"
"Uh, no. He hasn't come back yet. Is something wrong?" She sounded frantic and distressed, like she was on the verge of tears.
"Eh!? He isn't there!? Oh no! I knew I should have walked home with him! This is all my fault!" She yelled.
Kagami quickly stood up from the couch and swallowed. He had a bad feeling.
"Momoi, please calm down. Tell me what happened."
She then went on to hurriedly explain that their game was going well, everyone showed up in high spirits, save Aomine who looked bored, and it looked like it was going to be a pretty fair game. But then near the end of the 2nd quarter the coach decided to put Aomine in even though he asked him not to. The bluenette started to argue, saying that they had made a deal where he would only play in games against extremely hard opponents like the previous members of the GoM, but the coach demanded he go in because he wanted an assured victory. After fighting some more the street player grudgingly agreed, and that's when it happened…Again.
Oh no.
"Momoi, what was the final score?"
"28….to 132."
Shit.
Normally most teams would kill to get a score like that, but when it came to Tou, it only meant pain for their team's ace player. Kagami didn't know much about the dark time Aomine went through when he was still in Teiko, he didn't like to talk about it so Kagami never asked, but awhile back Kuroko did tell the redhead some things. He told him how everyone lost their will to fight against him, how they called him a beast, a monster, and how he became an outcast from the very thing he loved the most.
How do you stand up to a challenge if everyone has defeat in their eyes? How can you enjoy something when those around you are surrounded by misery and fear? His smile vanished, and Aomine began to change.
A light consumed by shadow and hate.
Kagami couldn't imagine how that must have felt, or what the pain must have done to him mentally, so when he heard this, he became incredibly worried.
"After the game he started acting strange and quiet, and when we were about to leave I offered to walk home with him but he told me he would be fine! I was still really worried about him when I got home though so I tried calling him, but no matter how many times I would call he wouldn't pick up! So I called you but you said he's not with you and now I don't know where he is or what to do!"
Kagami could tell she was panicking, but he was shocked himself so he wasn't sure what to say.
"I'm scared Kagami, I'm really scared." Her voice broke and she started to cry.
And that finally Kagami snapped into action.
"It's going to be okay Momoi. Just take a deep breath and try to calm down. He wouldn't hurt himself and he's not the type to skip town, so he's probably somewhere close. I'm going to go out and start looking for him right now."
Over the phone he could hear her take a breath and slowly exhale. She seemed to take comfort in his words and calmed down a little.
"Okay, thank you Kagami-kun. Please let me know if you find him!" Her and Aomine had been close friends since they were little, so he knew she must be worried sick. Hell, he was freaking out too. All he wanted was to find him, and fast.
"Don't worry, I will. I promise."
And with that he grabbed his coat and ran out the door.
Kagami had frantically searched every place that his boyfriend might have gone. He first checked the basket ball courts that Aomine liked playing at, but he was nowhere in sight, then he looked around Maji Burger but he wasn't there either. After checking a couple of different places he decided to run back to their apartment. Maybe he had taken a longer rout home and was now waiting for him there. The redhead knew he was being a little to hopeful in thinking this but right now he was desperate. After experiencing disappointment once more, Kagami decided to go to the town center where the sports stores they both liked going to were.
So now here he was, over an hour later, standing on a street surrounded by people and the cold winter air.
Where did you go? He looked around.
Are you okay? He bowed his head.
Have you fallen into darkness once more? He started to shake.
Kagami shook himself of these thoughts. No, I can't give up now, I just need to keep looking. But where else do I search? It's almost like he just up and disappeared!
Wait a minute…Up?
An idea formed in his head and he quickly grabbed his phone and called Momoi.
"Hey Mo-"
"Ah! Kagami! Did you find him? Is he okay?"
"No, not yet. I'm still looking but a just had a thought. Did you check the rooftop of your school?"
"Did I…Check the…Haahh! I'm so stupid! How could I forget to look there!? I left before him and I just assumed he was going home! I'm such an idiot! I'll go check there right now!"
"Don't worry about it, I'm closer to the school than you are, so I'll go check. Thank you Momoi."
He quickly said goodbye to the pink haired manager, stuffed his phone back into his pocket and began running once more.
Please be there. Please.
Kagami burst through the door to the first rooftop level.
He had raced over here praying that someone would still be at the school to let him in, and he knew his prayers had been answered because as he scanned the building he saw a light still on in the gym, so he hurriedly ran inside. Slowly mopping the wide polished floors was a janitor that looked like he must have been at least 117. Kagami, appreciating the warmth of the school and glad to be inside for a moment, walked up to him telling him that he was a student here and accidentally left his bag on the rooftop. The old man nodded, not really caring whether this kid was telling the truth or not, and handed him the key before hobbling off in another direction, quietly mumbling to himself. Kagami said his thanks and then bolted for the stairs.
Now on the rooftop, he looked around but didn't see anyone. This didn't surprise him though because Aomine never stayed down here, he always went up to the smaller second level. He walked up to the latter and grabbed a hold of the frozen bars with his shaking hands, and he took a deep breath. If he wasn't up here, Kagami didn't know what he would do. He had made a promise to Momoi, but what if he broke it? It was late and it was cold and he knew he couldn't keep doing this for much longer. Even if he could he didn't know what else he could do or where else to go. He felt completely helpless, worthless, and alone.
He kept saying that everything would be okay, but he was just lying to himself. He tried staying calm, but on the inside he was breaking.
Don't leave me. Please, be up here.
Willing his feet to move he slowly started to clime the latter. He had almost reached the top when he looked over the grey concrete wall, and he felt his heart stop…Before relief and happiness completely washed over him.
There stood Aomine, his back facing him he had his arms folded, leaning against the safety rail.
Kagami finished climbing up and taking a few steps forward he was about to call out, when he heard something.
It started off low and hushed.
It was Aomine, but he wasn't talking.
He was singing.
The cheers around me are so deafening, But they steal from me, taking everything. All that they leave me, once they're done taking. In my heart, I see cold apathy.
Kagami stood there, frozen. He couldn't move, he forgot to breathe, yet his heart was pounding inside of him. He wanted to call out again, but his voice would not work. All he could do was stand there and listen.
How long has it been now? My teammates somehow. How long's it been this way? Drifted far away. Guess I never really knew, what I had to lose. All the smiles I shared with you, All the fist bumps we had made too.
Pain. Loss. Confusion.
Strength that's mine to hold, absolute yet cold. Conviction to me, is truly nothing. I'm unstoppable, it's impossible. But I know, don't I? So then, why?
Deceived. Isolated. Empty.
After the buzzer blows, I'm waiting alone. I've learned I always win, again and again. But still, even though I know, I'm still here, alone. Wandering through this dark night, right under this lonely light.
Sorrow. Sadness. Solitude.
It's not that I'm now wishing for the past, since I know that I can't have it back. If I could somehow forget everything, that doesn't sound that bad to me. If I could...
Relinquishment. Regret. Despair and Darkness.
It was as if every word he spoke was revealing something, painting a picture of a past to cruel to describe.
The more that I miss those days, the more that they fade. My memories have begun of my old passion, And of all the many things I wish stayed with me. Of the smiles I shared with you, Of the fist bumps we had made too. When it was so easy, For me to just be happy.
Kagami felt the pain in these feelings as if they were his own.
A beating heart, ever breaking.
Anguish, slowly overtaking.
Reality, forever fading.
It's not that I'm wondering about the past, since I know that I can't have it back. And if I somehow forgot everything, I don't think I'd mind it actually.
Kagami was being consumed, surrounded. The emotions were overwhelming him, taking hold of him.
He felt hot tears form in his eyes.
And slowly, silently,
he began to cry.
But even so, I know that I'm still me, and there's no way I'll lose anything. So I'll hold close my desire to win and make it the answer that I give.
And today...
Aomine's song ended softly, the last few notes gently carried off by the wind, and he was silent once more.
Drip. Drip.
Still Kagami's tears continued to fall, sliding down his cheeks like blood from a wound. He felt weak and he started to tremble. Still holding on to the sensations that were coursing through him, he felt as if he would shatter if anything were to touch him.
He looked back up to the person that stood in front of him. The person he had fallen in love with, the person he thought he knew so well.
How could someone endure this much suffering, yet keep it locked away in their heart where no one but them can feel the pain? And after all this time, why did he never even try to understand what Aomine went through? He had always assumed that Aomine had recovered from his tragic past, but a heart once broken is not so easily fixed.
No. No longer will I be oblivious to those who are hurting around me. I will protect the ones I love, and if I can not erase the pain they feel, then I will share that pain with them.
Finally finding his resolve, he struggled to find his voice.
"Ao...Aomine." He choked out, his throat still tight from crying.
I will become stronger, and release you from theses chains that tie you to the past.
"Ao…Aomine."
Aomine jumped at the soft voice that came from behind him, and he quickly looked around to see who had uttered his name. His eyes landed on a familiar broad figure, and he instantly recognized that spiky red hair and chain necklace.
However, what he did not recognize was the look of sadness that was held on the others face.
"Kagami? What are you doing here?" He asked, his voice filled with concern. How long has he been standing there?
When the other did not answer he started walking across the roof toward him, his pace quickening when he that he was crying.
"Kagami? What happened?" He reached out, putting his hands on either side of Kagami's face. His blue eyes wide with worry.
"Did someone hurt you? Answer me Taiga."
Kagami shook his head, and turned away closing his eyes. Causing the tears that were balanced on his lashes to stream down his face.
It doesn't look like he is physically injured, the bluenette thought, examining his boyfriends body up and down. He let out a breath of relief.
Aomine pulled the redhead up until they were at eye level again, and he used his thumbs to gently wipe away the tears that stained his cheeks. Kagami lifted his hands and placed them on top of the ones that were softly caressing his face.
His hands are cold.
His breathing is shallow.
And there is a look in his eyes I never thought I would see.
Eyes that held a look of deep sorrow and worry, but not for himself.
For me?
"Are you gonna tell me what made you upset?" He asked, keeping his voice low and kind.
"Aomine...That song..." Kagami finally spoke up, looking directly into the others eyes now.
My...Song?
"Oh, so you heard that, huh?"
The redhead silently nodded.
Aomine drew his hands away from Kagami's face, and placed one hand behind his own head.
"That's what made you cry? Geez, Kagami, if I was that bad a singer you could've said something." He said teasingly, in hopes of lighting the mood.
He failed.
Red eyes were still burning into his own, asking a question Aomine knew he had to answer.
Aomine let out a tired sigh, the cold wind catching it and turning it white.
He dropped his arms to his sides and put his hands inside his pockets. Turning away a little he lifted his head to gaze at the stars, taking a moment before speaking again.
"Back when I was in Teiko, I went through a lot of shit. Playing Basket ball was my life, and there was nothing I loved more than being out on the courts."
"Heh," He chuckled. "I still remember getting excited when I first noticed my power getting stronger. But back then, that was the last time I had ever felt that way. Soon after I became more skilled the people around me started staring at me differently, fearing me. I tried to not care what they thought, but no one can ignore it when the world turns it's back on you. That song I guess was something you could call a manifestation of the feelings I felt when the pressure became to much."
The redhead nodded but said nothing, wanting to hear and understand as much as he could.
"I began distancing myself from those who came near me, because I was scared that they would only see the monster inside. The way I acted when I started to change was cruel, and I hurt many friends along the way. But then I was too blind to see it." An image of light blue hair and an outstretched fist flashed into his mind and he unconsciously clenched his hands in his pockets. "It was painful and lonely, but somewhere along the way I finally forced myself to accept the fact that I would remain by myself and never have anyone close to me again."
The wind dropped and they both stayed in silence for a moment longer. Kagami sniffed, he had calmed down but now he was a little stunned. Though he desperately wanted an answer, he wasn't expecting Aomine to be so open with him.
But then Aomine tilted his head back and to Kagami's surprise, he saw he had a mischievous glint in his eyes. He instantly became suspicious.
"Well, that is until a big redheaded idiot barged into my life." He stuck out his tongue.
"Hehe-Don't hurt me!" Blue eyes widened in mock fear as a pissed off Kagami launched forward.
"Ouch!" Aomine raised his hands and waved them apologetically. "Sorry sorry, just kidding! I just couldn't take how nostalgically melancholy the mood was."
"Jackass..." Kagami muttered, looking away. He was relieved though, it seemed like Aomine was back to his usual self. "Nostalgically melancholy? What are you, an idiot?"
"Shut up." Aomine laughed and swung his arm around his boyfriends neck.
"Look Taiga, it's true that I had problems in the past, but I can't go back and change them. All I can do is find a way to live with who I am now. Basket ball is still my life, that part of me has never changed, and I will still play when I'm asked to. Even if it means I end up feeling this way, that is something I can live with."
Wait, what?
"Because it means no one gets hurt but me."
Kagami slapped away the hand on his shoulder and took a step back.
"You son of a bitch! When did I ever ask for that!? Do you honestly believe that it doesn't hurt me to see you like this!?"
"Hey, Kagami, calm down." Aomine looked taken aback by the sudden outburst.
"You went missing for hours and as I desperately searched for you I feared that I would never see you again! And now you think that you can just tell a joke and I'll be okay with that? Do you think I don't care about you? Do you think that I'll leave you because of your darkness? You really are an idiot!" He yelled. Kagami was furious now, how could Aomine still not get it?
"Taiga-"
"I always hated this void between us, hated that there was more to you that has always been kept hidden from me! I want you to tell me more of your demons and let me shoulder this burden with you. Instead of watching someone die beneath a crushing weight alone I would rather die there along with them, if it meant being with them until the end. You don't need to protect me because I love you, and that means all of you damn it!"
The fear, the adrenaline, the exhaustion and the anger that had built up through the night finally caught up with Kagami, slamming into him like a train. His body no longer had strength and he fell to his knees, fighting for breath.
Aomine just stood there, eyes widened in shock, trying to process what just happened.
Shit, this is bad.
Kagami shook his head. His vision was blurring and blackness was encasing him. He was so dizzy that it felt like the whole world was spinning around him. Realizing that he was about to pass out he blindly reached out his hand to the empty air, trying to brace himself from the ground before he collapsed. But instead of being swallowed and falling into the darkness, he felt a warm hand press into his, entwining their fingers together. The warmth spread through the tips down his arms and into his heart. Filling him with comfort and strength.
Blinking he looked up to see distraught blue eyes fighting back pure crystal tears. Aomine looked so scared and yet, so beautiful as he lowered himself to the cold ground. Kagami had never seen him like this. And that made him, happy. Happy because after all these years, he had finally broken away a piece the mask that Aomine had worn, exposing his true self.
"I'm...Sorry, I'm so sorry Taiga." He whimpered. "Truly I am."
Aomine embraced his strong arms around his boyfriends waist and pulled their bodies flush together, tightly, possessively. So close they could feel each others heart beats. Their chests rubbed together as the breathed, their muscles relaxing to the familiar touch of warm skin.
Despite the cold air howling around them their temperature only rose with each feverish breath.
The bluenett buried his head in Kagami's neck as he ran his hands through Aomine's hair.
"I'm sorry. Please...Please don't...Please."
Kagami did't know what he was repeating but it didn't matter. Because the kindness and the worry held in that deep voice was enough to make the redhead feel closer to Aomine than ever before. And he couldn't help but smile.
"I promise," Kagami shivered at the warm breath on his neck. "To tell you more and share my hate. What ever you want to know just ask. I won't keep you distant from any part me any more. But that goes for you too, so don't you dare try to hide something from me. I am your's and you are mine, got that?"
"Ha, that kinda sounded like a proposal." Kagami joked.
Aomine slowly lifted his head.
"Maybe it was." He said with a smirk.
"Aho."
"Baka."
"I love you Taiga." He whispered.
"I love you too, Daiki. Don't ever disappear again." Their faces were so close, only a hairbreadth away.
"I won't."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
And with that Aomine closed the gap between them. Pressing their lips together in a kiss overwhelming with emotions from all that had transpired.
Fear, loss, pain, comfort, happiness and love.
Pure, strong, unbreakable; Love.
And together they will fight, overcoming differences and pain. Because to live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.
And together, they did.
"Hmm.."
Peering through the darkness I see Kagami sleeping soundly on my bed. My arms are wrapped around him cradling him against my bare chest.
After we left the rooftop we raced home, barley making it through the door of my apartment before ripping the clothes off of each other. The feeling of lust and passion completely dominated our senses. I slammed Kagami against a wall, forcibly restraining myself from roughly fucking him right where we stood. I was so mad at myself for what I had put him through, not just this night but for years. I guess part of me just wanted to reassure him how much I cared for him. We spent the rest of the night locked in one anothers firm embrace, whispering I love you in hushed tones until we both collapsed, covered in bite markes and each others scent.
I lift my hand and slowly trace my fingers up Kagami's side and I feel him shiver at my touch, I smile.
He's strong, prideful and most of the time a pain in the ass. But he also is kind and feels the need to protect those around him.
My hand wanders over his sculpted shoulder. So beautiful.
Maybe that's why I hid so much from him though. Because I was scared that he would try to protect me from all of my pain, and in turn hurt himself.
Dropping my hand to his neck my fingers fallow the cold links on the chain necklace he always wears.
Or worse, realize that I was too twisted beyond his help...And he would leave me.
My fingers move over his powerful jaw, feeling his pale soft skin.
Keeping him close by pushing him away, huh? I guess that didn't work. Well, not anymore.
I brush the bangs out of his face, watching as his eyelashes flutter and he snuggles closer to me. He releases a deep breath and I slide my arms around him once more.
From now on you will know everything about me, and I don't care if it scares you, because I'm not letting you go. I hope you know what you got yourself into, Bakagami.
I smile and lean forward, placing a chaste kiss on his forehead.
Throughout my life I have lingered in the past, never moving a step. But when I met you, you gave me that push and helped me to move forward. Never again will I hate who I once was, but instead I will focus solely on loving you.
You have given me new life, and I promise I won't waste it.
Walking on a new path, I am no longer...
Standing STILL.