Title: I Can't
Author: Reilly Tross
Summary: James just can't, not anymore.
Disclaimer: James and Sirius belong to my hero, JK Rowling. The random girl Sirius is snogging is mine. Other than that, there will be an auction on the fourth.
James sighed, walking through the halls a lot faster than was strictly necessary for a Saturday morning. His mind was moving just as fast as his legs. The activity centered entirely around one person, his boyfriend Sirius. James and Sirius had been together for nearly two and a half months now, and no one knew. Not that James was a particularly exhibinistic person, but he would at least like to kiss his boyfriend good morning at breakfast, or fall asleep on his lap in the later hours of night. He didn't want to have to wait to make sure no one was even awake to be able to crawl over to Sirius and steal a kiss, or to perform every locking spell known to wizard kind before they could snog between classes.
James loved Sirius more than life itself, so much it scared him at times, but really, sometimes enough was enough. Sirius didn't seem to mind the secrecy; indeed, he seemed to revel in it. 'Of course, that could be because he gets double action now, me and whichever girl he chooses to uphold his legacy as school slut.' James sighed. He wasn't being fair, not really, but really, couldn't Sirius see that he didn't really need to snog another girl every 10 minutes to keep up his playboy image? James had had his own reputation among the populace, but you didn't see him grabbing every girl or guy he met, did you?
James sighed once more, and turned the corner, only to nearly run into the boy in question and yet another of his conquests. 'Hufflepuff 6th year,' James categorized automatically in his head, 'Tamara Wilson, Chaser, going out officially with Jacob Stilton for nearly a year before they broke up horribly at the last Quidditch game.' James cocked his head, studying the girl closer, not having been noticed by either participant of the hedonistic activity taking place before him. 'Blonde hair, green eyes, tall and relatively unknown, if not for her breakup. We couldn't be more different if we tried.'
Biting his lip, he studied Sirius instead, trying to keep the voice in his head neutral. 'Sirius Black. Gryffindor 5th year. Beater, going out unofficially with James Potter for two months, a week and four days. Black hair, grey eyes, and absolute Grecian god perfect physique. Popular and charismatic, everyone knows him and always will, if he has his say. And MINE!' James shook his head, yeah, that was neutral.
It was his turn, he supposed, but he hadn't ever liked categorizing himself, he had always fallen so…short. So unworthy. And he hated it. Still, every time he caught Sirius doing this, it happened again. 'James Potter, 5th year Gryffindor Star Seeker and unwilling prefect. Going out with The Sirius Black for longer than Sirius had ever even considered his future. Messy black hair, dark blue eyes, decent physique, limber, but unnaturally pale no matter how long he spent in the sun. Popular and the IT Boy, the one they all want to be, the leader of the merry little band of the marauders, though no one knew that, and no one would ever learn.'
As he was judging himself, Tamara reached out to unbutton Sirius's shirt. James caught the movement and glared holes in the offending hand. Normally, he just backed up and went another route, but this time he couldn't stop himself. "Don't stop on account of me now, I'm just passing through." James marveled at how collected and calm his voice sounded. He sounded like Remus whenever the werewolf caught James abusing his unwanted Prefect Powers. The two jerked apart, but rather than looking embarrassed, they looked like Hogwarts was the sort of school where you could just walk down the halls past orgys and such and where boyfriends who cheated on you so many times you had to keep a notebook of the names were completely normal. OK, now James was being unfair.
Sirius grinned and said casually "Thought you were in detention James, McG let you go easy? I knew she loved us." Tamara smiled shyly at James and waved slightly. James looked at her and was once again pleasantly surprised at how easily an unconcerned grin spread across his face. "And hello to you too," he said, "How are you on this lovely spring day?" It had rained yesterday and the grounds outside were sloshy and the sky grey.
Still, her smile widened, she murmured a "Fine, thank you." And, kissing Sirius on the cheek before ducking under his arm, she was gone. James had the irrational urge to yell "Why don't you come back and give him another kiss, darling. After all, you're in public. That's a right even I don't have and at least he knows my name," but refrained. It wasn't Tamara's fault Sirius was killing James with every grin. It wasn't even Sirius's fault, it's not like James told him.
Sirius pouted playfully, saying something to the effect of, 'come on Jamie, don't I get a hello?' but James wasn't listening. He looked Sirius up and down, taking in his rumpled clothing and his rather pink complexion. His shirt was unbuttoned three down, so James had a good view of his chest, and his Gryffindor tie wasn't even present. All in all, he was detention material, and gave off the perfect impression of an uncaring prostitute. James wanted to scream. He just wanted to lift his head to the heavens and yell "Not fair, not fair, not fair." until he couldn't talk or breathe or even think anything else. He didn't.
"Something wrong, Jamie?" Sirius asked, and James's attention was once again drawn up to his face. He was looking a bit more concerned at James's silence now, although his eyes still held that joking glimmer that meant he wasn't really taking it seriously. James wanted to tear that glimmer out. Just reach over and remove that glimmer from Sirius's eyes no mater how he had to do it. Couldn't Sirius tell that James was dying here? Couldn't he tell that James was decomposing just as thoroughly as his parents; that soon James wouldn't exist anymore? More importantly, shouldn't Sirius? Remus could tell James was dieing, and he didn't know about them. Shouldn't Sirius just know?
The answer, James thought sourly, was no. Sirius shouldn't know, and he couldn't know, not unless James told him. And James couldn't tell him, couldn't bring himself to do anything to hurt the perfect being that was Sirius Black no matter how much he wanted too. James did not, however, lose the power to be a sarcastic, rude, caustic little arse when he wanted to, and lord did he want to.
"What was her name then?"
"Ahh…Tamika, or something to that effect."
"Oh really? Is that what you say when you shag? 'Oh yes, god, yes, Tamika, or something to that effect'?"
"Come on James. It's not like I say her name."
It's not like I say her name. Not, it's not like we shag. It's not like I say her name. Wonderful.
"Bet she just loves that, then? Your secret to success. Never learn a girl's name, and get a ton."
"Well, it's not like I have to know her name."
James nodded, and found himself accepting that answer. No, if James could so easily place the girl, surely Sirius should have to. But Sirius didn't have to, there was always another girl if Tamara got offended, and another for that girl, and another for that girl. It didn't matter to Sirius, and James found himself accepting that. He didn't want that, he thought, he wanted to be mad at Sirius, mad at him for James losing that whatever it was that made him James. It was always like this though. James would work up enough steam to power the Hogwarts Express, and then he would get face to face with Sirius and lose it.
"So. Are you going to tell me what's wrong, or shall we stand here and talk about skirts some more?"
James didn't say anything. Instead, he ducked his head down to his shoes, trying to regain his earlier anger. He needed to tell Sirius this, before he spontaneously combusted or something. This was important, and really, he had always been able to talk to his boyfriend. Why should now be any different? Sirius, apparently having gotten tired of waiting and watching James stare at the stone floor as interesting as it was, leaned over and placed a hand on James cheek, urging him gently to lift his head. James eyes met his boyfriend's concerned expression, and felt all his anger and resolution instantly evaporate. How could he be mad at this person, his boyfriend, who obviously cared more for him than life itself?
"James?"
James attention was drawn down to Sirius's full, pink lips. Those lips that seemed made especially to complement James own. There was a smudge of lipstick on the very corner of his mouth, and James glared at it, irritated that there was something marring his lover's perfection. The irritation gave him the shove he needed, and he jerked away from Sirius, words spewing out of his mouth before they could circulate through his brain.
"I just wonder, have to wonder, if tomorrow you are going to wake up, look at me, and think 'Jake, or something to that effect'. It used to be an instantaneous no, but every time now, it gets a little slower coming and I worry a little more."
Sirius looked stunned. He opened his mouth, but James cut in again, certain that if Sirius started talking, James would find himself apologizing and using every excuse under the sun to explain his behavior.
"I'm tired, Sigh, really fucking tired of playing second fiddle to the flavor of the moment. I'm tired of turning around and finding myself face to face with another fucking bird gossiping to her airhead friends about how good a kisser The Great Sirius Black was. I'm tired if not knowing if it's just talk. I'm tired of reassuring myself that I come first because I don't want to be first, never wanted to be first, I wanted to be the only, and yet, I don't even think I make second sometimes. Are you really so ashamed of me, of us, that you have to pretend that we, the 'we' that makes us lovers, not the 'we' that makes us PadfootandProngs or SiriusandJames, you have to pretend that doesn't exist? Is it really so hard for you to walk down the hallway without winking at some stupid skirt or gesturing towards another god damn broom closet, completely ignoring me? And I'm tired of that too. I'm tired of Moony, fucking Remus for fucks sake, I'm tired of him knowing more about me than you do because you can't unsuction your lips from a fucking bint long enough to see that I'm unraveling."
James stopped, breathing a little harder and fighting back treacherous tears, and turned a little away from Sirius, fully intending to run down the hallway, but being completely unable to summon up the energy. Sirius closed the space between them, looking for all the world as if someone had just given him a bag of galleons, and then hit him on the head with a two-by-four before running away.
"James. James, not how it is. I-"
"Then how is it Sirius, because I must have missed the memo. Really now, inform the whole class, what have you been doing if not cheating on me?"
When Sirius didn't say anything, James started up again, quieter and slower, but no less intense in his pleas.
"Are you really so scared of committing to one person? Because I can't do this anymore. I thought I could, but I can't. I just can't. I can't walk around and know that by all rights I should be able to touch you if I want to, and not be able too, know that I can't lean over and claim your lips no matter how much I am burning to. You're riding a fucking see-saw Sirius, and I can't look over on the other side anymore and see a girl, ever-changing, with no face or name or identity, and know that no matter what I am, I am still not good enough for you, so much so that you have to turn to…to that instead. You need to kick one of us off, Sigh, and if you can't do that then I'll just get off and make the fucking choice for you. I love you with everything that I am, but I can't be your sometimes lover. Not anymore. I don't think I ever could."
With that, a sudden surge of energy seemed to burst from some hidden part of James, and he spun on his heel and fled. Sirius stared dumbstruck at his retreating back, unable to chase the smaller boy.
- - - - A/N- The next three chapters will be the three endings I wrote for this piece, because I was completely unable to choose just one. - - - -