Disclaimer: I don't own Get Backers but everyone should pitch in to buy me the 1st and 2nd season pack by Nov. 30th (EI: My birthday!)

I lied down in the bathing tub. My face blank as I stare up at my refection in the ceiling through the mirrored ceiling. Today will make it a year….

A year of denial…

A year of secrecy…

A year of lies…

All because of an accident.

It was by accident. Just like our meeting. Just like everything that happened between that man and I. It was all a honest mistake. I know that there could be nothing involving the two of us. He made sure to tell so every time spent the night. That was fine with me. And besides I couldn't complain. I didn't have anyone to cry with. Even if I wanted to. Who would I complain to? I won't complain to myself…I'll go crazy…

When I cry it's always in solitude.

And him…I'll never discuss this with him….

There was to be no feelings in what he and I did. Not like or dislike. Not passion or lust. And especially not love. There was no specifications on hate, though if that was the case I wouldn't let him touch me in the way he does. Everything we did was simply done. There was no motive or intent. He was there and so was I. He could have done it with anyone. He wanted the physical without feeling and so jaded that I was willing to receive any attention given to me.

What do you want me to say. I'm hopeless romantic. I desire to be wanted, needed, loved.

I probably am.

I admit I have not had a single relationship that I wasn't forced into with emotion blackmail, arranged by an outside source or a one sided affair doomed for failure. Perhaps I chose to partake in this because I know I'm not good at being in love and I didn't have to be in this association.

He desires the basic thing everyone desired from me, and It was as simple to grant. If anyone else knew about these sessions and were asked for their opinion of his and mine actives it would be something along the lines of him taking advantage of me and him being a cruel, heartless, son of a bitch which is what everyone (aside from a select few) thought he was. Everyone would side with me and scorn him, though there is no siding. Ha! I don't know how everyone perceives me as gullible and fragile. I wasn't innocent.

I lived in Mugenjou for half my life. I've been beaten nearly to death, and killed if not permanently crippled more people than I dare to count. I have been the picture of cruelty and have been a leader in the top gangs that ruled lower town. Hell, am the only person brave or stupid enough to go to the beltline not once not twice but trice in a lifetime.

I really didn't mind doing it anyway. This had to be the only thing that I was never forced to wear a smile for… I didn't need to be happy or sad.

'Cheaper than a whore and just as good in bed. Not to mention more discreet… you can fool yourself all you want but I know the truth…'

A dark form embraced me in a tender but cruel manner. Only I felt that cold felt cradling me.

'You desire his eyes.'

I shook despite the warmth of the bath.

'You desire his arms.'

I hunch over in the large tub as if I've been kicked in the stomach.

'You yearn for his love…you want him to save you?'

I start rocking myself back and forth as desperate attempt to calm myself.

The thought brings a sick smile to my face as I listen to the voice in my head bully me. I'm not a hypocrite. I'm not complaining. That was the voice's job. I'm just…reassuring myself that this was all because of an accident. It started as an accident. Without planning or deliberate intent. The sessions were all just random happenings and accidents. It was all completely by chance. That it wouldn't matter even if I was being used because it was the same chance as before.

Though maybe it was me doing the using… I'm, if nothing else emotional crippled after Saizou used my hands to kill himself and my name to justify it. The man who was my lover and would have been my husband… Maybe I'm using him to make up for Saizou's absence. But either way he always made it clear…

I had no significance in his life…

He wouldn't value any significance in mine…It's just not in his personality.

I've never raised above being an acquaintance with benefits…

Nothing…

I'll always be nothing.

Because I'll never the one Mido Ban truly wants…

I frighten myself with that last thought. I can't think like this… The voice will win if I do. And this is why I shouldn't be left to my thoughts…I always end up the one confused. I always end up feeling this longing and sorrow.

A gleam of sliver flashed in the corner of my eye. It lied there, begging me to pick it up. My tears flow freely down my eyes. That same blade had been offering me a way out since day one. From my insecurities, my confusion, my pain. I slowly reached over for the thin blade positioning it over my pulsing wrist. What reason did I have to be… Jubbei and Ren are married, and have a life. Toshiki and Sakura are together as well.

I'm the only one still alone…

What I'm needed for…

STOP!!!

CHOSE A SITUATION!

(1) Have Kazuki cut himself

(2) Something stops him