Worth Remembering
As happens sometimes a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. And then the moment was gone.
She watched him sleep. It was the same routine every morning. She was up, he was dreaming and she waited. She would rub his face, tracing the outline of his furrowed brow. It was always the same thing; he would groan and turn to face her. He'd slowly open his eyes and look at her. Those big brown eyes that you could get lost in. He'd smiled and she'd giggle.
"Hey you."
"Hi."
"Sleep good?" he would always ask.
"Uh huh." she'd nods. "You?" he would groan again, rubbing his hand over his face. "You were calling out my name last night."
"I was dreaming. It's about that time. We should head over there." she would smile and nod as they made their way out of the bed.
"Happy Birthday Hales." he would say to her as she made her way out of the room.
"Thanks." she always said simply. They always celebrated later.
They weaved they're way through the lawn quietly, only stopping once they were under the willow. She let go of his hand and made her way over to the headstone. She traced her fingers around the inscription and let herself cry. It was the only time she ever let herself cry over it. Every year, it was the same routine. And every year she watched.
"Haley James-Scott. Wife and Mother for a mere short time but loved always and forever."
"Daddy, you think she misses us?"
Of course I do. I'm right here.
"You know she does."
"I miss her. Even though I didn't know her, I miss her."
She does, she really does. He misses me too. More than he cares to feel. And this is around the same time that I get sucked back into that night. The night I died. This day, every year, on my daughters birthday and the date of my death, I do this with my family. She's seven now, it took a few years for this routine to be down pat. They both have nightmares. And every year, I do my best to soothe them. There's only so much I can do. And right now I'm back at that night.
It was freezing. The kind of awkward chill that Tree Hill really never got. I was just shy of eight months pregnant and had a craving for something. Cheerios and strawberry ice cream. It was too late for a grocery store but not quite late enough for the convenience store a few blocks away.
"You're not going." he insisted but I was pregnant and stubborn and wanted to go. I should've listened. "No, it's freezing and it's late."
"You can't stop me." I remained adamant struggling to put on my boots. And failing horribly. He chucked at me and giving him one of my pouting looks, he caved and helped me.
"Fine, you can go." I cheered openly and he just smiled at me. I got accustomed to that the past couple of months. He would just smile at me for no reason. Like he was in on some big secret that I didn't know about. "But I'm wrapping you up in about 12 coats."
And he nearly did. I was still in my pajamas and boots. He threw his Celtics sweater over me, followed by my thickest winter coat, two scarves, and my beanie. I officially looked like I was out of my mind. He even grabbed a throw for my legs as I sat in the car. That's what I was doing when happened.
He left the car running, and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before he opened the door to head inside the store. I stopped him. Looking back, I'm not sure what made me do it. Our last touch. He smiled at me confused and I think he thought I was having one of my emotional fits. Now I know I was holding on to him.
Don't go. Let's just go home. I don't need Cheerios and strawberry ice cream. I just want to be in you're arms.
I didn't say that then. I should've. How could I have known?
I pulled him into my lips, capturing his and giving him a kiss. Our last kiss. I felt him smile against my lips and I felt utter and complete happiness at that moment. Just that one second. He promised he would be right back and I couldn't help but feeling that it was the last time I was gonna see him. It pretty much was.
"I love you." I whisper to him. A phrase that goes unheard but never unfelt.
Sitting in the car then, I couldn't hear what was going on inside the store when it all happened. But now, I can go and sit in on the whole scene. Nathan made his way up from the back of the store, carrying the Cheerios and strawberry ice cream and froze. I urge him silently to just retreat back and hide. He would never do that.
A man, or the man we like to call him now, was pointing a gun at the cashier. He didn't see Nathan at first, not until he accidentally bumped into on of the stands. He must have gotten that from me. He turned around quickly turning the gun on Nathan. Nathan dropped the food, putting his hands up in a surrender. It was just enough time for the cashier to push the silent alarm. And not enough time for them to get there quick enough.
"You have a car?" the man asked Nathan. He nodded to the outside. I don't think he really thought about me being in the car. "Give me the keys." he demanded. Nathan put his hands down, patting all his pockets when he finally remembered.
"They're in the car." the man made his way to the door. Nathan called out to him. "Wait! My wife, she's in there. Let me get her out. Please." I feel now his heart constricting and beating faster.
"Stay back." the man demands, waving the gun. Nathan refuses. He'd rather die than see a man with a gun take off with me.
Just let it be Nathan. You can't save me. I plead with him. I know it doesn't change what happened but it comforts me to tell him those things.
And that's when I heard the gun shot. I was singing in the car, wondering where my husband was and I hear the shot that took away his dreams. My heart dropped and the fear seeped in. Something in me forced me to put the fear aside and I struggled to get out of the car. I did. It was too late. He pulled the gun on me.
"Please, don't shot me. Take the car." I pleaded. He didn't listen. I heard the gunshot that lodged a bullet in my chest. And I never felt the pain. I saw Nathan struggled to get out of the store, holding his bloody thigh, screaming my name. It took him only a matter of seconds to reach me on the cold ground. I couldn't breathe.
"Hales…baby, come on. Stay awake." I heard him beg. I couldn't open my eyes. It's true what they say about dying. I saw everything happy about my life flash before my very eyes. I didn't feel lonely or cold. I felt warmth and comfort. "They're almost here. Just hold on a little bit longer for me. For her." I can't. Not for you. Not for our unborn daughter. I fight like hell, beg, plead, and in the end I still get sucked up into the white light.
I forced my eyes open on last time. I looked into his eyes. The eyes are the window to you're soul and I believe that. His soul was raging and tortured but I just felt the peace they brought me. And I slipped away.
I ride with him the whole way to the hospital. He's holding my hand on the stretcher still begging me to hold on and when I go back, I hold the other hand. I think he feels it. He begs to go into the hospital room with me. He's not allowed. They have to try and save my life. It's futile. They wrap his leg.
"Basketball is out." I feel the pain with him.
So I pace with him. I sit with him. I cry with him. And what seems like a lifetime later, we both look up when the doctor comes in. I already know what she says. I have it memorized.
"Nathan…"
"She's ok. I know she is. When can I see her?"
I'm not ok. Not really. You'll see me in my dreams.
"We did everything we could…"
"What about the baby? She's fine right? They're both fine."
"Yes, the baby is fine. She's healthy, ten toes and ten fingers." Nathan chuckles through his pain. I had nightmares that she was going to end up with two heads and four arms. She's perfect though. I made to sure fight long enough for her. He'll have a part of me now. "But Haley…"
Nathan doesn't listen to the rest. He already knows. I didn't make it. He sinks to the floor, finally letting his pain consume him. His mother and father rushes in, followed by Lucas. I was actually starting to build a relationship with Dan. And I see now, as he lets the tears flow, he was feeling the same way.
I sit with him at the docks that night, listening to him talk to me, twisting the colorful beaded bracelet in his hand. He thinks he imagined me whispering in his ear, telling him I love him. He didn't.
"I love you so much. Please come back."
I'm right here. I'll never let you go.
"How am I suppose to raise her? What am I suppose to do? I can't do this without you."
You'll do wonderfully. You'll figure it out as you go along. You just keep her fed and cleaned and I'll take care of the guardian angel part.
My funeral is exactly what I wanted it to be. My ashes were spread across the ocean at the bluff where we were married. Lucas makes his usual quote filled sentimental speech that makes me laugh. I listen to Deb tell how she loved me like her own daughter because I made her son happy. I listen as Dan says he grew to love me in his own way and admits he'll miss my spunk. Karen misses my laughter. Brooke misses my good sense. Peyton misses her confidant. My parents miss their Haley-bop.
And then it's his turn. He walks slowly, with a slight limp carrying our daughter. He wouldn't look at her at first. It was too painful with the soft skin and brown curls that reminded him so much of her mother. Boy, did she give me heartburn with that head of hair. He had finally broken down and confessed everything to the tiny infant. "I loved you're mother."
Yes, you really did.
"And now I love you."
His speech is a little bit more tear filled and a little bit more painful than the rest. I was is heart and soul. What do you do with that once it's gone? He tells them how much he loved me, how really it is indescribable. I made him happy. I broke down all the walls. I made him feel. He misses me.
I miss you too.
I had chosen to stay here. Watching over my family. This is where I've been for the last seven years. In all actuality, to me, it feels just like a flash. I was there when Haley took her first steps. He couldn't think of anything else to name her. She reminded him of me in every single way and he only felt it appropriate to name her after me as well. I was there when she first said 'daddy.' I felt the pride with him. I was there, playing beside her when she first hobbled up to a piano. I was there when she started school. I've been there every day since she was born.
And that leads me to today. She's seven today. I can't believe how big she's gotten. She's feisty and smart and athletic. She's got a stubborn streak and a major attitude when she's upset. She gets that from her father. He wishes I was there to deal with that when she gets in one of her moods. She's the spitting image of me and sometimes I feel him hurt when he looks at her. He loves her though, I feel that the most.
He hasn't moved on. He went to school and finished college even when he thought it was hopeless. I can't say that the tutor girl in me didn't push him to do better. They all helped him though. Everyone of the people I loved helped raise my daughter. I really couldn't ask more for that. He never so much looked at another woman. His daughter was the only girl in his life. He was still in love with me.
You have to move on. You need to find your own inner peace.
Today, he takes her to music class, smiling at the teacher. She young and she's beautiful and right now, I kind of feel like pulling a Brooke and playing matchmaker. Because I know they've talked, I know that have a connection. I want him to be happy. So I urge him; just a tiny nudge.
"So I was thinking that you might want to go to Tric on Friday night. A friend of mine owns it and it has some really great music." I laugh watching the great and charismatic Nathan Scott fiddle with the collar of his shirt as he nervously awaits her answer.
"Yes." she smiles. I cheer triumphantly.
Now we're back underneath the willow. For some reason, he felt it was important for our daughter to have a headstone to visit. I'm not in the ground, I never wanted to be but he wanted her to have something solid and concrete to come and see her mother. He still has a slight gimp in his leg; something else that's a constant reminder of that horrible night. He comes back, every year, alone and talks to me.
"I've met someone."
I smile. I know and you should be happy.
"I'll always love you. No one can replace you in my heart."
No one said I was ever leaving that place in you're heart.
"I think I'm gonna be ok now."
And with those words I know I can be free.
I see the church brimming with people as he promises himself to the pretty music teacher.
I see them as they hold their son in the hospital.
I see our daughter give her Valedictorian speech. I don't think I've ever been so proud.
I see Nathan walking our daughter down the aisle as she pledges herself to her own husband.
I see the entire family, full of kids and grandkids, piled around a Christmas tree as our daughter sings Christmas carols. She's got my voice.
Most of all, I just see their lives full and happy.
I love you.
He looks up as if he actually heard me. I smile knowing he has. He scans the landscape around him until he finally sees me leaning up against the willow, smiling. It's only for a second before I give him a tiny wave. He nods, understanding and I finally let him go. He's found his inner peace. And I finally walk down those golden streets.