Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
For some, it's like a mystery which can't be unraveled in much the same way when you succeeded in forcing a secret out of someone. Unless I'm mistaken, I probably am in the tightest pinch since that time when Ulquiorra Scheiffer punched a goddamn hole in my chest--which happened one hour ago. Thus I can only look away, trying to obscure from his vision this huge problem that won't seem to give me a break.
"What's wrong with your sword?" Grimmjow Jaggerjack asks me, and if annoyance could be measured, he'd be way over the scales now.
"Hell if I know." I answer.
"Goddammit, I can't fight like this." He tells me, distracted, with a little sign of discomfort quite akin to mild embarrassment.
"Will you stop making excuses and pick up already? My sword is completely fine."
"It's fine, alright, except that I'm not referring to your friggin' Zanpakotou. Now if your eyes are so goddamn defective as much as you're an imbecile, you have a mighty erection between your fucking legs and I can't look straight into you without suspecting you'd do something funny if this hole gets too close to ya." He says, prodding a finger in the hole on his belly.
So there, dignity all gone, guts blasted to shards, and I can be an idiot sometimes, though not all the time, if you might wanna dwell on it. But now he's just given me an idea. He does have a hole on his stomach, which more or less is a fine addition to his otherwise hot self, yet still it's not altogether clear to me why my weiner chose the most perfect time to give a standing ovation. Not a damn idea.
"Don't get too full of yourself now."
"I'm just saying it's impossible to pick up from here. Next time ya wanna fight, make sure you can control your hormones well. For now, you might wanna reschedule."
He turns for a departure so lacking in ceremony that one might think I'm not standing there before him--nor is my boner.
"What, you're going now?"
"Yeah, Shinigami', because this fight ain't fair. You have two swords, both of them not so impotent as you initially made me believe, and I have one. Ciao."
It's becoming difficult to imagine the extent to which I am in need of an excuse to this, or any valid explanation. As such may be, I'll start by making it clear that I'm not a horny person. I simply have urges, teenage urges, particularly carnal ones. And I expect you know what urges do to people: they make you wanna hurt others, hate them and, in other more notable occasions, kill them. So to me, it's seldom the first, hardly the second and never the last. I'm only given an erection, something of the last things I'd wish to happen to me in events outside the bedroom. On top of everything, he really just have to be a goddamn hypocrite who likes to pretend he doesn't enjoy staring at people's crotches, mine in particular.
"Coward."
"You calling me a coward, pervert?"
It's that easy. I'm aware of the entirety of this shit now: I'm the pervert and he's the one who gets to call me such however he may please. As you will later on get the experience of knowing, I hate hypocrites, but what I hate more is a hypocrite who's also a liar.
"Well, yeah. You haven't been giving me enough reason to consider you're manly enough NOT to be scared of something like a hard-on. What a joke."
"Is this what you call provocation, Shinigami? Why don't we start facing facts here: If it isn't demonstrated conveniently enough, I started firing Ceros and you go about getting a goddamn hard-on. Now who's out of order here? I'm thinking it's you and your goddamn crotch. " He says, his voice starting to hit higher octaves.
"You know when they say 'All is fair in war'? Well, go get a load of it. So if you can't concentrate with this thing going on, too bad 'cause that won't stop me from ripping you in half. How's that?"
"Know what, burn in hell. I'm off and I'll come back after the storm, that is, after your boner decides there's really nothing to fuck in this desert, except for the stray lizards, of course. Ciao."
"What if it doesn't sink down? It's just a friendly thought I wanna give you and you might wanna ponder on."
Gosh. I'm completely aware that this isn't the most perfect time to discuss wrong-timing erections and uncontrollable hormones, but if I were to elaborate… I'm a virgin. I'm sure the information has little to do with this accident in whatever degree of consideration. However, it probably is responsible for maybe a portion of this dilemma, like in the slightest sense, somehow, if you'd be obliged to, er, open-mindedness. This is stupid, I know.
"If it doesn't sink down by the time of my return, I'll fucking personally wrench it away from your crotch, do you hear me, Shinigami? I'll cut your effing weiner faster than your wits get unerway."
"Can you?" I challenge.
"Can I? Are you high on something?"
"So you can?"
"Demo?"
"Sure, with your bare hands."
"You damn bet I… dammit, you're not tricking me into jerking you off."
"I never mentioned anything convertible to that. But would you, jokes aside?" I say, with a sort of smirk Satan wouldn't have rivaled.
"Godfuckingdammit, stop it already."
"You can't even get near me with this, much less cut it off with your own hands. I'd appreciate it if you stopped bluffing, Grimmjow."
"Where'd ya get the goddamn balls to speak like that?"
"Between my legs, of course."
"Oh yeah? I'm betting you have pigeon eggs for size… no, I am NOT arguing over reproductive organs with you, of all fucking pricks, goddamit. Nice try, but drop dead."
"You talk as though you don't get this sort of accident from time to time. Now I'm more than convinced Arrancars lack this endowment from god. Aizen, your god, must be quite deficient in terms of generosity."
"Ho, ho, now you slow down, young man, and don't get me started on the size of the thing I have inside my pants or you'll regret ever talking of weiners or having one to show and compare. I'm serious." The warning ring to his voice lends greater force to his fearsomeness, which I can't take so seriously now when he's clearly talking of crotches. Please.
"Okay. So you claim you have a large member down there; I can't do anything about that. Despite that, I fail to reconcile your repulsion against my boner with you having large balls, if you have any, as what you've been confident enough to imply."
"And I fail to understand how putting up some penile exhibition can be necessary in a battle unless, of course, your thing isn't getting enough exercise. Should I hazard a guess? It's either you've never got laid or you're hot for me."
"That's a fine assumption, but maybe you should really accept that this is purely an accident."
"Accident implies there's no one to blame, idiot."
"Am I responsible for this, or is it the world I live in that holds the blame?"
"Know what, fuck this, you most of all. Why don't ya just get laid and come back when I'll no longer be in danger of your boner? Just go fucking sleep with someone once in a while."
"Alright, I'll try to get a good fucking and subscribe to that out of courtesy. Say, apart from it all, you know, the nasty insults you've been kind enough to pull on me all this while, I'd like to know if you're, like, trying to push me to be a fornication junkie or whatever it may be. It's nothing personal; I just have to ask, are you trying to make a convert out of me or a pervert out of yourself?"
"What the fuck was that, Shinigami?"
"Who's the goddamn pervert now? Regular sex, you suggest? Whaddaya fuck here anyway, female hollows, your fellow Espada? Stray lizards, as what you've mentioned earlier? I should pity you starting from here, Grimmjow."
"You like jumping into conclusions, don't ya, you little virgin?"
If it isn't for the way he stressed the v-word, he would've seemed less furious. But to go back, the v-word can be baneful on certain occasions; this for instance. On top of that, it brings about certain thoughts. To be frank, I fancy myself rather good-looking. I'm friends with the prettiest girls of Soul Society and Karakura High School. I'm pretty strong. All in all, this leads me to think logic doesn't seem to always apply, and most certainly not in my equation.
"If you had been listening closely enough, you'd remember that what you prescribe is sex, which apparently is the best solution you can come up with--for a simple hard-on, for cryin' out loud. So may I repeat I'm a virgin? And had it been otherwise, I certainly wouldn't fuck an inhabitant of Hueco Mundo."
"Virgins aren't always pure and non-virgins aren't perverts most of the time. That's that and if you're gonna push another point I'll fucking kill you, I swear." he promises. I suppose I should be thankful to the fact that, with the comical topic of argument at hand, he can't be serious on following through the threat.
"So you admit you screw around here in Hueco Mundo? I'd like to grasp the level of satisfaction it provides you."
He looks as though he can't handle hearing anything anymore. I watch him closely, and, with him being as pissed as hell, I somehow am feeling so removed from this grave situation where we are solely disposed to murder one another in the first place.
"I'll kill you. I'll fucking kill you." he says.
"Your heart's not in it. But this turns the tables now. With whom--or should I say what--do you--"
"--with whom do I fuck? No fucking one. Are you happy now? I'm just a little virgin who doesn't fucking know what a vagina looks like, like you. Now if you don't shut your fucking trap, you'll be my first; that's a fucking promise, shinigami." he snarls in spurting rage.
But to be clear, his first what, exactly? But it sounded much like a rape threat...
Now something tells me I really have to shut up and cut my cheek. Considering the injuries I can get from someone as angry as he currently is, I'm starting to study more thoroughly my disposition here. I'm sure apologizing isn't an option--
"Er, really?"
Shit. Why did I ask that shit anyway?
"Don't make me repeat it, kid."
"You're a virgin?"
For some reason I can't shut the hell up.
"Fuck you."
"And you've been acting know-it-all and stuff."
Just what the hell is fueling this goddamn mouth? At this point I've lost all faculties to determine what I can or can't do, except that I really can't shut up at the moment.
"Aren't you really gonna shut the fuck up?"
"But this is a breakthrough, you know."
"Oh you want it, then?"
"With a virgin? I need time to decide on that." and there goes my mouth, motoring away in terms more shameful than an actual pervert, pushing me towards the destruction of my treasured purity, my only pride, my soon-to-be former possession… and his, too?
"If you don't shut up, I'll fucking--"
"--go on."
Deep shit. I didn't just ask for sex, did I? I mean, I'm pretty sure curiosity has driven me to this--
"You ain't clamming your goddamn mouth? Well, you're asking for it."
Well, we both sure beat around the bush like a pair of bastards. And he happens to be a bastard, a bastard I can't say 'no' to, apparently.
END