Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's but I wish I did.

Summary: Takes place after The Heart of the Matter. Multiparter. MerDer

Rating: K, K+

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He wants to marry me. Derek wants to marry me and have kids with me and build a house on his land with me and settle down with me. I should be happy about this. I should be so freakin happy but instead I'm scared. Derek wants to be with me and I want to be with him but I can't. Because Burke left Cristina and because Thatcher chose Lexie and because my mother didn't want me. Seriously, my guy in the bar, the one I was done for wants me and I can't give me to him. I so want to.

But what if while I'm waiting I meet someone who is ready to give me what I want from you?

To small, inner, grown up Meredith the speech was perfect to that point. Outer Meredith was freaking out because he's saying these perfect things – the same reason small, inner, grown up Meredith was happy – but what if he meets someone else? Someone who isn't dark and twisty with daddy issues and who gets along with her half sister? That would not be good. Yeah, understatement. For all my problems and all my issues, I need Derek in my left. He was always been there whether I wanted him or now and him being with Addison and sort of but no really being happy was bad enough…if he's happy, happy with someone else? I couldn't handle that.

I know deep down in small, inner, grown up Meredith, that I want to marry him and have kids with him and build a house with him. The problem is, I need to be able to let small, inner, grown up Meredith come out. I need to be able to be with the ridiculously amazing man who I love so much. I need to work on my issues. I don't want to feel the need to fun when Derek tells me he wants to marry me. I want to be ecstatic and tell him I want to marry him too and kiss him in front of everyone in the hospital.

So, the first thing I should do…I think the first thing I need to do is finally accept the idea of Lexie.

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So in case you didn't notice its first person – that was the best way I could convey what I wanted to. This is just the first part and the next ones will be up soon. I have two other short fics I'm working on as well as Tough Love with Sara, my co-writer (the next part of that will be up soon).

Reviews to me are like surgeries to Cristina.