Disclaimer: I do not own the Fairy Tail series or any of the characters.
Summary: A.K.A. - Do the Harlem Shake. In the weeks following the Grand Magic Games, Sting and Rogue begin to wonder about the wisdom of introducing their childhood idols to the newest magical technology. Very, very slightly AU.
Note: Sooo... In this story, Earthland developed magical versions of our modern tech during the seven year time-skip. Shouldn't be too implausible, since they already had things like communication lacrima and sound pods prior to that. Just go with it.
Oh, and if you've never watched a Harlem Shake video (I understand, I was a hold-out too for a long time), now would be the time to watch a couple on YouTube. Maybe one of the military or fire department ones, they're pretty crazy. Even if you are already well-versed in this subject, it's worth watching one just to have it fresh in your mind.
If you don't know what a Rickroll is by now, however, there may be no hope for you (or you could just google it, whatever).
LOLs, Trolls, and Rickrolls
(Do the Harlem Shake)
As S-class mages of one of the most powerful guilds in Fiore, the Twin Dragons of Sabertooth had cash to burn. They spent it on outrageous clothing in the latest mage fashions. They paid even more to have their clothes imbued with an expensive array of anti-damage spells (a must for any career mage, although few could afford to have more than one signature outfit enchanted). They shared a swanky, upscale apartment, where the rent could best be described as extortionate. They were wealthy enough that they easily could have afforded to buy their own houses, but when they had lived separately, they spent so much time hanging out at one another's places that most of their own guildmates hadn't known which apartment belonged to who. It just made sense to share.
When they moved in, the apartment immediately took on the appearance of a pigsty, until Rogue had the brilliant idea to hire someone to clean the place up now and then. Mrs. Murgatroyd was a short, stocky, sixty-year-old widow who lived across the street. Twice a week, she invaded the apartment to wage war on their unwashed dishes, appalling bathroom, filthy laundry, and overall slovenliness. She also browbeat them into putting their laundry in the hamper, nagged them to take out the trash before it overflowed, and got into spectacular shouting matches with Sting, who hated being told what to do. Strangely, in spite of this friction, Sting seemed quite fond of the woman, and loved to wind her up by flirting with her or wandering around wearing a towel. She'd scream at him and chase him around the apartment, beating him with her broom, and Sting seemed to enjoy every minute of it. But then, Sting had always been an attention-whore, and lived to get a rise out of people, so Rogue wasn't surprised by his friend's deliberate provocation of the woman they both privately referred to as the Dragon Lady. Rogue just kept his head down and did as he was told, and as a result, Mrs. Murgatroyd called him a sweet boy and occasionally brought him cookies.
The Dragon Lady's cleaning services cost them a whopping 80,000 J a month. Rogue considered it a bargain, because otherwise they'd only ever eat off paper plates, and they would never have dry towels or clean underwear. It certainly wasn't their most extravagant expense.
Once, in a fit of insanity, they purchased a flashy Magic Four Wheeler, and nearly made it out of the dealer's parking lot before the motion sickness struck. Through sheer force of will, they'd driven almost two miles at breakneck speeds, only slowing down to whistle and catcall at anything that looked remotely female (including Rufus, they were later embarrassed to discover). It had all gone horribly wrong when a wave of nausea forced Sting to puke out the window, which wouldn't have been such a problem if not for the fact that he was the one who was driving. The vehicle swerved and crashed into a tree, at which point Rogue simultaneously broke his nose on the dashboard and vomited all over his own lap. Sting had to wear a neck brace for two weeks, and still referred to the incident as the best 4,000,000 J they had ever wasted in one go.
Mostly, though, they spent their money on the newest magical technology, which had made enormous strides in the last few years. Lacrima-vision was just the tip of the iceberg. To date, Sting had broken eight different cell phones since first getting one three years ago, generally because he stored them in his back pocket and had a bad habit of sitting on them. And then there was the butt-dialing. Rogue couldn't even recall how many times he'd gotten phone calls that consisted of Sting and some random girl panting and moaning.
Rogue's revenge for these annoyances was to wait until Sting was about to head out on a date, steal the blond idiot's phone just long enough to change the ringtone to Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber or the Pokemon theme song, set the ringer volume to maximum, and then call him about an hour later. It was always entertaining.
Rogue had never broken his phone, but had upgraded to a new model each year. He'd never butt-dialed anyone with a heavy-breathing call, either, because A) he kept his phone locked so that Sting couldn't fuck up his settings, which made butt-dialing nearly impossible, B) he wasn't a shameless man-whore like Sting was, and C) girls weren't exactly breaking down his door to help him become a shameless man-whore.
Rogue was an introvert and a severe night-owl, with emo hair, red eyes, and pale skin that looked like he had never seen the sun. Perhaps unsurprisingly, he spent a lot of his limited downtime in front of his computer or the lacrima-vision, blowing up aliens and killing zombies. He had exactly fifteen people on his Facebook friends list, and two of them were cats.
Sting had about 700 "friends", and spent an inordinate amount of time in front of the bathroom mirror, taking shirtless photos of himself to post on his profile.
Today, a couple of months after the Grand Magic Games, they were taking a well-deserved day off. The guild didn't actually have a Master anymore, but Sting's power and charisma had led to him becoming their de facto leader, while Rogue was content to lurk in the shadows in an advisory role (i.e. doing Sting's thinking for him). Between these extra duties and their regular work going on jobs, they were both long overdue for a break.
Rogue rolled out of bed around lunchtime and staggered out of his room. After fixing himself a huge bowl of cereal, he slouched into the livingroom, where he parked himself on the couch beside Frosch and Lector, in front of the lacrima-vision. They were watching My Little Pony, or at least, Frosch was watching and Lector was pretending not to. Sting, god-awful morning person that he was, had obviously been up for hours but hadn't yet bothered to shower or get dressed, or even take his dirty dishes to the sink. He was slumped sideways in an armchair in his boxer shorts with his laptop balanced on his stomach, probably making fake accounts on Facebook so that he could re-friend Minerva and spam her wall with links to porn sites.
Sting studied Rogue's semi-conscious state and dishevelled appearance. "You're a mess," he pronounced, looking amused. "Were you up playing Call of Duty with Orga until 3:00 in the morning again?"
Rogue thought this was pretty rich coming from someone who looked like he had never combed his hair in his entire life (in fact, Rogue wasn't certain that Sting even owned a comb).
"No. It was Left 4 Dead 2," he answered. "And it was more like 4:00 in the morning. Orga and I were playing with Gajeel-san and Juvia-san."
"They're into video games now?" Sting commented. "I'm surprised by how fast their guild is adapting to all the new technology, considering that most of them didn't even know what a cell phone was two months ago. Fairy Tail even has a Twitter page now!"
"What's your number, Natsu-san?" Sting asked his childhood hero, pulling out his phone and bringing up the contact list. "Or is it better to contact you over the internet? What's your email address? Are you on Facebook?"
Tomorrow, the various guilds were leaving Crocus to return home, and Natsu had just finished informing Sting and Rogue that they were now nakama, and that they should keep in touch with Fairy Tail. But Sting's enthusiastic response didn't get the expected answer. Natsu just stood there, blinking at him, and a number of his guildmates who were standing nearby seemed to be having the same strange reaction.
Had Sting said something wrong? He exchanged a confused glance with Rogue, who was just as puzzled by the Fairy Tail members' blank expressions.
Finally, with a curious tone, Natsu asked, "What's an internet?"
Sting and Rogue had tried very hard to explain the recent advances in magical technology to the Fairy Tail guild, but had eventually given it up as a lost cause. The guild members who had gone missing all those years ago were completely ignorant, and while the rest of them knew about the latest technology, they'd been so broke trying to keep their guild afloat that none of them had even owned a phone before, let alone a computer. Fairy Tail was officially stuck in the dark ages.
Rogue and Sting had passed along their contact information anyway, fully expecting that the only way they'd hear from their new friends would be in person or via a communication lacrima. But Fairy Tail was nothing if not adventurous, and within a week, the guild was online. Only a few days later, Gajeel had learned enough about computers to send his first email to Rogue.
Rogue had been pleasantly surprised to hear from him. Gajeel had never seemed like the type to be particularly tech-savvy, but Rogue supposed that an affinity for metal probably gave the man an edge when it came to figuring out machines of any kind. Gajeel had also never seemed like the type to take an interest in other people, but there he was, sending an email to Rogue just for the sake of conversation. Since then, they'd been in fairly frequent contact, and Rogue's only complaint was the fact that Gajeel refused to call him anything but Ryos.
"They did pretty well, for complete gaming newbies," Rogue commented. "Juvia-san ran into a lot of walls at first, but after she figured out the game controls, and once we convinced Gajeel-san to stop attacking teammates for fun, you should have seen the way the two of them worked together. You can tell they're used to teaming up on guild missions. I'd love to shadow them on a job."
Sting grinned, opening his mouth to make some comment on the idea, when something on his laptop distracted him.
"Speaking of Fairy Tail, Natsu-san just sent me an email. Looks like he sent it to you, as well. I see he still hasn't learned to spell. There's a link to a video. How much do you want to bet it's another rickroll?"
"That's a sucker's bet," Rogue replied, leaning over the arm of the couch, peering over Sting's shoulder as the blond followed the link to a YouTube video. Natsu had made no less than six attempts to rickroll them since discovering the internet. "I hope you muted it. I've heard enough "Never Gonna Give You Up" to last me a lifetime."
"I did," Sting confirmed as the page loaded. "Oh! It's not a rickroll after all."
The video appeared to be a shot of the inside of the Fairy Tail guild hall. A few guild members were sitting around, apparently going about their day and paying no attention to the fact that they were being filmed. Mirajane was behind the bar, drying a glass, Erza was at a table eating a piece of cake, Gajeel was off by himself, apparently napping in his chair, and a few members whose names Rogue wasn't sure of were walking by or reading books or chatting with each other.
Just as Rogue was starting to wonder why Natsu would send them such a boring video, a cowgirl hat rose into view from below the video camera, followed by a cute little face with big, violet eyes, peering inquisitively into the lens. The face ducked out of sight, and then the little cowgirl, who looked about four years old, came into view farther back from the camera, where she began to dance.
"Okay, that's kind of adorable," Sting said after a moment. "Although, why is no one paying any attention to her?"
"Turn on your speakers," Rogue prompted, equally curious.
Sting turned up the volume just in time for a distinctive piece of music to blare out at them.
"...do the Harlem Shake..."
And then the screen was crowded with so many bodies thrashing around that it was hard to focus on what was going on. But when Rogue recovered from the initial shock, he managed to pick out a few key figures.
Natsu was front-and-centre, doing pelvic thrusts atop a table while wearing his beloved scarf, a pink tutu, and what appeared to be...
"Oh my God, he didn't give that back?" Sting said, staring in horror at the Royal Crown perched on Natsu's head.
Dancing wildly next to Natsu was a figure wearing a Spiderman costume. Despite the fully-covered face, Rogue was pretty certain that it was Lucy. Her massive rack was a dead giveaway. Beside her teammates, Erza was wearing a sexy cat costume, complete with ears and tail, and rolling around in what appeared to be a large cake as if it was a patch of catnip.
Gray was swinging by his hands from the rafters, kicking his legs rapidly as if riding a bike, wearing the hat he'd stolen after defeating Rufus, a pair of scuba diving flippers, and nothing else.
On top of the bar, Laxus was doing push-ups, clad in sparkly green spandex leggings and somebody's electric-purple bra, while Wendy stood on his back in her bathing suit, pretending to surf. Mirajane was still behind the bar, serenely drying a glass as if nothing was out of the ordinary, but now she was in her demon take-over transformation.
Near the back, the tiny cowgirl was giggling uncontrollably as her father dangled her upside down by her ankle, while her mother solemnly and mechanically mimed punching her child over and over again.
In the foreground, a joyous-looking Elfman rode a tiny lavender rocking horse next to Juvia, who lay on the floor with a camera in front of her face, taking photos of Gray. It was difficult to tell if that part had been planned or not. Beside them, Cana rose out of a barrel of wine wearing a snorkel and mask, and then slowly sank out of sight again.
And there was Gajeel, wearing leather short-shorts, suspenders, a feather boa, and his usual boots, freak-dancing against the side of Cana's wine barrel, while the little blue-haired bookworm he was sweet on stood behind him, dressed in a goth-loli dress and smacking his ass with a riding crop.
There was more — hula hoops and unicycles and clown wigs and wild gyrations — but it was all a blur to Rogue. The disturbing image of his idol engaged in such bizarre depravity was now seared into his mind.
And then the video ended, and Rogue and Sting sat in stunned silence, absorbing what they had just witnessed.
"What the fuck did we just watch?" Sting eventually spoke. "I can't believe they made a Harlem Shake video!"
"Look how many views they've got!" Rogue marvelled. "Scroll down. I want to read the comments."
DRuNkeN_PupPy: WILD! Want to go skinny dipping with me, Cana? I've got booze!
QueenOfHearts: on my way! meet me at your train station in 45 min
DRuNkeN_PupPy: Yeahhhh! Getting lucky tonight! WILD!
Number1Dad: Who the fuck are you? How dare you talk to my daughter like that!
QueenOfHearts: shit...
Lionheart: LOL Cana you are sooo busted!
MissWhiskers: Er-chan, you make such a cute kitty! Nyan!
Master_Bob_chan: Oh, Makarov-chan, your guild is growing up so yummy!
SexyMoustache: What the hell have you brats been doing in my guild hall!? I leave for two days for the regular meeting, and this is the sort of thing you idiot children get up to while I'm away? Do some work, already! No wonder we never have any money!
TouchMyLightningRod: Huh... I didn't know Gramps was on YouTube... Anyway, I just sent this link to my shitty dad and said it contained the guild's secrets. Haha! *trolling*
IvanDaTerrible: WHY DID YOU SEND ME THIS? FAIRY TAIL IS A JOKE! ONE DAY I'LL DESTROY YOU ALL! WHERE IS LUMEN HISTOIRE? TELL ME, YOU WORTHLESS EXCUSE FOR A SON! AND TELL MAKAROV HE WAS A ROTTEN FATHER AND I'M GLAD HE KICKED ME OUT! I HOPE HE CHOKES ON... [This comment has received too many negative votes]
TouchMyLightningRod: Ahhh... mission accomplished! XD
Thunderstruck: Laxus, you're the greatest!
TotallyNotJellal: Erza... I'm speechless... *nosebleed*
SaveAHorseRideACowboy: Oh crap! Just had a visit from Child Protective Services! I think we managed to appease them... o_0
Bibliophile: I don't know how you guys talked me into this...
HeavyMetal: hey, shrimp, did you keep that riding crop? *dirty smirk*
Bibliophile: NO!
DripDripDrop: Gray-sama is so handsome! And so daring! (^-^) *sigh!*
iceicebaby: Natsu, you bastard! You said you'd blur that out! I'm going to freeze your balls to a moving train the next time I see you!
GreatBallsOfFire: hahahahaahha!
ScarletWoman: Natsu, get your sorry ass back to the guild. The royal guards are here. You're wanted for questioning regarding the disappearance of the king's crown.
GreatBallsOfFire: fuck
It was like watching a train wreck. Rogue couldn't seem to look away.
Snickering, Sting started typing a comment of his own.
HolySexBomb: Nice video, Natsu-san. Send me an email when you get out of prison!
For his part, Rogue left the couch and stumbled across the room.
"What are you doing?" Sting asked, watching Rogue open up the liquor cabinet to survey their impressive collection of booze. "Are you planning to get drunk at this time of day?"
"Yes," Rogue replied without an ounce of shame, selecting several bottles. "I have to do something to get the image of Gajeel-san in booty shorts out of my head."
Sting started to laugh. "Is it just me, or do you get the feeling that none of them had to try particularly hard to dream up any of that?"
Rogue couldn't help but agree.
"Sting-kun and Rogue-kun have weird friends," Lector announced, shaking his head.
"Fro thinks so too!" exclaimed Frosch happily.
Lector frowned disparagingly. "You'd fit right in with them, Frosch," he opined. "You wear a frog costume every day."
Frosch thought carefully for a minute, and then turned to gaze at Rogue. "Fro doesn't want to be a froggy anymore."
Rogue felt staggered by this. Frosch loved that frog suit! "Y... you don't?"
"No." Frosch looked at the lacrima-vision, and then back at Rogue. "Fro wants to be Rainbow Dash, now."
Rogue stared into those enormous, adorable eyes, helpless to resist. Abandoning his booze, he got up to find his sewing machine. The brain-bleach would have to wait. Frosch needed him.
"You'll make someone such a wonderful wife someday," Sting commented with fake-admiration.
"Shut up," Rogue growled as he searched his closet. Sewing was not girly, no matter how many times Sting teased him about it!
"Even your cat's got you whipped!" Sting mocked. "You are literally pussy-whipped! That's so lame!"
"At least I don't have a poster of Natsu-san on my bedroom wall," Rogue snarked back.
"...Sh-shut up about that!"
::Owari::
Note: I'm not even certain what inspired this madness. I just had to write it, for some reason. I certainly wouldn't call it my most polished work, but hopefully there's a little something here to amuse just about everyone. Oh, and as for the screennames, I tried to make them fairly easy to identify. Any resemblance to real life screennames is purely accidental.
Update: Changed the description a bit: no one was reading the darn thing! Leave me a review, let me know what parts made you laugh!