This is an idea that's been drifting about in my head for quite a while, and I finally decided to just write it. I am quite certain Braig would enjoy pulling pranks on Even, as the scientist would surely make a big deal out of even the smallest things, and I thought it would be fun to write a story based on that. Though, to be honest, I have no idea where the weird idea with the shortbread came from, aside from the fact that, as I was eating chocolate chip shortbread cookies one day, I suddenly decided right then and there that Even would like shortbread. I dunno. I think about gaming far too much, if it even pops up during my cookie-eating endeavors.
And all characters, places, etc. are property of the lovely and brilliant Square Enix.
What Began With Shortbread
"He's at it again, Ienzo," Even said one day as he worked on his newest experiment on the nature of the heart, though it seemed a large part of his focus was directed elsewhere. "He's been leaving shortbread around again."
His young charge made no response, but simply watched what he had been told was going to be a demonstration on the kinds of experiments he would be assisting Even with once the older man was satisfied he had mastered the basics of safety. It seemed the scientist had forgotten them himself, however, when he pushed his goggles to his forehead, regardless of the fact that he had yet to put down the beaker of smoking liquid he held in his other hand.
"He just leaves plates of them lying around in places he knows I'll be. On my table in the library, in my bedroom, and even on the windowsill of that stairwell I use to avoid people I don't want to see. Today, I found them in the bathroom, the bathroom, mind you, stacked into neat, little towers nearly a foot high." The older scientist poured the contents of the beaker into another almost as an afterthought and began to cough into the sleeve of his lab coat when the liquids reacted with each other, creating a vile stench that forced Ienzo to draw back with the palm of one hand pressed over both nose and mouth.
"And as you should already know, but I'll say it again…" Even suppressed another cough as he continued to hold the foaming beaker as far away from himself as possible. It was fortunate he hadn't forgotten to wear his rubber gloves, even if his goggles remained neglected. "If you ever find any food in the lab, absolutely, under no circumstances, should you eat it. You can never be sure what it may be contaminated with. You don't want to die at so young an age of some dreadful case of poisoning, do you, child?"
Ienzo shook his head.
Even gave half a nod of approval as he carried the beaker, now overflowing onto his gloves some frothy substance of a thoroughly unpleasant nature, with a stiff gait. He set the container into the sink to continue its reaction in there, his back remaining to his student as he took great care at pulling his gloves off.
"And do you know what else bothers me about such stupidity?" The removal of the gloves was completed with a greater ferocity before they were tossed onto the counter, and the elder scientist at last turned to face the other. "What really bothers me is that he claims to be doing this 'out of the kindness of his heart'." Even huffed as he leaned his elbows against the counter behind him. "He says he does it because it's the only unhealthy thing I actually enjoy, but I also haven't forgotten the many times he's stated that I needed 'fattening up', as he puts it. I do not need fattening up. I am in the lower 20% range of a healthy weight for someone of my height. You know. I showed you the chart."
He pushed himself away from the counter and strode forward, pulling off his goggles with an uncharacteristic lack of concern for how it tussled his dirty-blonde hair. "The only reason he's doing it, the only reason he does anything, is to aggravate me. You're going to think I'm psychotic for saying this; everyone else does, but I know he only does this to taunt me and to ruin one of the few things I actually indulge in. And the sad thing is, I'm letting him. Just the mere sight of shortbread makes my blood pressure rise anymore."
Even's grumbling continued as he sat down at his desk to begin furious scribbling in a notebook, only to look up again as if just now remembering his earlier rambling had actually been directed at someone, though Ienzo retained his usual silent stare.
"Don't look at me like that. You know it's all true." The elder scientist looked ready to continue, but his gaze locked onto the most miniscule of details that would only be noticed by someone so absorbed in the subject.
"Is that a crumb on your face, child?"
And as if the nonsense with the shortbread wasn't enough, Braig had countless other methods of making the scientist's life difficult. Jumping out of bizarre places seemed to be quite the hobby of his, a pastime that had resulted in a good number of broken objects thanks to Even dropping them out of sheer surprise (but not fear), and he loved to steal anything he could get his hands on. All of Even's right-hand gloves or all his left boots. His notes. His own, personal coffee mug (he simply wasn't going to drink from a cup someone else's filthy mouth had touched). The door to his room. And let's not forget several times he was made to look like a fool in front of his Lordship when he turned in reports with humiliating doodles on them. He kept them locked in a drawer now.
And what Master Ansem didn't seem to get was that all of these things showed a general lack of respect and proved further that the man was a complete imbecile. And yet, Even would return to those days in a heartbeat because that idiot's pranks only got worse when he gained his powers over space.
Ever since that fateful day, his nonsense then occurred on a grander scale, and he would surprise (not scare) Even by knocking on windows twenty stories up or by hanging upside down outside the scientist's bedroom window at night, only to be illuminated in a most disturbing manner by a lightning flash. He had also learned to levitate objects, even large ones, and Even was the victim of snowdrifts being dropped onto him, and he had returned to his room on multiple occasions to either find his furniture rearranged or set up some distance away, 50 feet down the hallway or in the kitchen or even placed outside the castle doors. Most often during rainstorms.
And why the man still remained as one of his Lordship's apprentices, after all the aggravation that lout had caused in all their many years of involuntary colleagues, Even would never understand, regardless of the number of mathematical formulas he had since devised in his efforts to explain the quandary. He had begged and pleaded with Master Ansem to make that imbecile leave, all to no avail, and frankly, it was insulting. Insulting that someone of his intellect should be ignored so and insulting to belong to a category that included such people as those that found vulgar innuendos hilarious.
And that wasn't the end of it, for even a decade later, when they could no longer be called Even and Braid, or even human, but Nobodies going by the names of Vexen and Xigbar, the nonsense still continued. In all honesty, Vexen wasn't entirely surprised, not that he was capable of such an emotion to begin with, but had he a heart, he would at least have been, to put it lightly, very terribly bothered.
Had he a heart, he would've broken down in despair and just killed himself already.
No, even after all these years had passed, after they had given their hearts up to darkness and ravaged countless worlds, including their own, not one ounce of the gravity of their current situation (ironic, really, considering Xigbar's magical aptitude) seemed to have had any impact whatsoever on the idiot. The pranks continued, as absurd as ever, and Vexen was spending another late night in his lab, still unable to return to his room after Xigbar had reversed the gravity there so that all of the furniture rested on the ceiling.
He could have sworn he had felt a spark of true emotion when his victimizer then decided to release the gravity spell. Of course, lacking a heart, emotion of any degree was impossible, but he still couldn't bring himself to return to the scene of the crime, and it helped little that the Dusks had been tasked with restoring everything to its former state because it would never make him forget just how ill-equipped his bed was for a fall of that magnitude.
Tonight, Vexen was continuing a decade-long effort to synthesize a heart, an endeavor his colleagues apparently held little faith in when they continued to send their newest member out everyday on missions whose objectives appeared to involve beating Heartless senseless so as to build Kingdom Hearts. Xemnas was a fool, but even he shouldn't have been so feeble-minded that he would actually believe a mere child could save them from their troubles. Not that it was his concern. On more than one occasion, he had put very real consideration into creating a heart for himself and himself only and going on his merry way.
That's what they got for disrespecting their elders.
Vexen's gaze jerked to the door at the sound of knocking, and he groaned. "What? What do you want?"
Though he listened, the only sound that greeted him was the bubbling of various liquids kept at a steady boil. Then the knocking repeated itself.
The scientist huffed, and he abandoned his microscope and slipped long bangs behind one ear as he marched for the door, the knocking failing to cease this time, and he swung the door open wide with another request to please tell him what was so important that they needed to disturb his work at this hour, but he found no one, and he leaned out the doorway and peered off down the hallway in either direction, which appeared to be equally as devoid of life. Snorting, he slammed the door closed and began his walk back to the far wall of the lab, muttering under his breath all the while, only to spin around when the beakers on the table nearest him clattered for a second before going still again.
The scientist's gaze made a sweep of the room, ceiling included, but nothing out of the ordinary could be found. That didn't mean anything, though.
"Xigbar," he said. "Xigbar, if you're hiding, just come out and show yourself already. You're not fooling anyone, nor could you ever expect to when your IQ no doubt ranges in the double digits only. If that."
He waited, and he really thought he was being quite patient about the whole matter, all things considered, but the expected Nobody failed to make himself known, which was no more and no less than the scientist expected. Knowing the best way to deal with such shenanigans was to simply ignore them, he returned with a sigh to his work, comparing samples he had taken of a real heart and his most recent prototype in the microscope, all the while trying very hard not to think about that feeling of being watched that had become quite strong all of a sudden. With his focus wavering, all he could do now was merely feign attention on his work with the hopes that Xigbar would grow bored and leave, but this became impossible when he felt a poke on his shoulder, causing him to whirl about at once to try and catch the man in the act, but he was too slow.
"Is this really worth it to you?" Vexen said. "Staying up until all hours just for a chance to pester me? I thought lazy buffoons such as yourself enjoyed their sleep."
Again, he was met with silence, and again, he tried to get back to his research, but his work was abandoned even quicker this time due to a rattling from behind, and he was met with the sight of a good number of his glassware levitating into the air.
"Don't you dare! Put those—"
Vexen threw himself out of the way just in time as the hovering objects were flung in his direction before shattering on the wall behind him. The scientist attempted to pick himself up off the floor, only to duck down again as several more beakers sailed overhead.
"This isn't funny! Stop this at once!" Vexen said, but his words went unheeded, and once he finally managed to rise to his feet again, he nearly tripped over them as he tried to avoid another volley of projectiles. So vigorous was he in his efforts at his own self-preservation that he tripped and fell sidelong into a nearby counter, and several more instruments of science were knocked aside of his own doing in his escape from the barrage of glass and caustic liquids, and with an unsteady dash around the perimeter of the room, he eventually managed to stumble out into the hallway. Gasping for breath, he glanced back to find the door to his lab slam shut seemingly of its own accord.
Vexen grew stiff and waited, only the sound of his own panting to break the sudden lull. He couldn't say how long it stayed silent in that empty, endless hallway, but if he had possessed a heart, it would surely be pounding right now. What he had done to deserve such treatment, he had no idea, but he knew Xigbar would not be cleaning up the mess on the other side of that door, of that he was certain. But, he wasn't left to ponder over why the man's antics had taken on such a violent nature for long when something, an unmistakable presence, told him to look up, and he spotted something black floating high above, a portal, and he swallowed.
A white and purple arrow shot forth, and then another, and then countless more, and the scientist began running and, dare he say, screaming as an untold number of arrows pursued him down the hallway, gaining upon him with each glance he made over his shoulder, and his boots squeaked on the floor as he rounded a corner with his arms flailing about him, only to turn again a dozen yards further and run into a door that turned out to be locked when he jiggled the knob. Vexen pounded on its surface with both fists and cursed his misfortune for not knowing this level of the castle better, before he slid down to the floor, sobbing, and proceeded to sit there with his cheek resting on the cold, smooth surface of the door that had so blatantly refused him entrance as a dark, hooded figure emerged from out of thin air.
"Why?" Vexen asked as the figure strode towards him with echoing footfalls. "Why do you still insist on taunting me so? I almost understood it back when we could still feel emotion, but why now? Why do you still harass me when neither of us has a heart to get anything out of it?"
The figure crouched down before him and removed his hood to reveal the scarred visage of Xigbar, who considered him with a rare seriousness. The scientist kept still, aside from a heaving chest, as he stared, wide-eyed, back at his assailant, and then Xigbar's face cracked into a crooked grin.
"You wanna know why, huh?" The one-eyed man gave a deep chuckle in his throat and thumbed the side of his nose. "Why? Because…I wanna see if I can give a Nobody a heart attack, that's why."
I thought this turned out rather humorous, and I especially liked Xigbar's line at the end. It was a line I got in my head many months before this story was actually written, and it was originally going to show up somewhere in the middle of the story, until I decided that it was so good, it had to be at the end.
Please review, and maybe I'll send you some shortbread….