A/N: I didn't really want to do an author's note, but it should be said that there are spoilers for recent manga chapters. You have been warned.

Not The Goldfish!

There was something fishy about the transfer student. She didn't even have to say two words, and everyone loved her. She spent a couple days being fawned over by her adoring fans, with Naruto watching jealously- (Shut up! No I wasn't) -with Naruto watching, the very definition of neutrality, as she alternated between saying really lame pick up lines that made Sasuke blush- (It was weird. Just putting that out there) - telling Neji off for not being a better person and letting a little thing like having his father executed bother him – (She said something about fate, too) - thereby instigating an immediate change for the better, and coaxing Hinata on how to be a more assertive person.

(Hey! Let me tell the story now)

… What?

(You're wreaking it. I'm taking over)

But you can't-

(All right, ladies and gents, I'm running the show now. So, yeah, all that weird stuff definitely happened. Everyone was kissing the ground this girl walked on, but, you know, I rolled with it. Because I'm cool like that. I definitely didn't pout, or try multiple times to bring the attention back to me by shouting out randomly in class. But, you see, while I was super busy being awesome, she started getting even weirder.

She came into class one day wearing a green track suit, claimed she was Lee's little sister, and when I called 'Bull', everyone got made at me. They were all convinced that she was Lee's little sister and always had been. I started to wonder if I'd gone crazy, but then the next day she was Neiji's! Come Wednesday, she was Shikamaru's little sister. She could beat him at shogi, she could do things with her shadow that had never been done before, and he was uber protective of her. This is Shikamaru we're talking about here. The guy who finds "breathing" to be troublesome.

You think I'm exaggerating, don't you?

Well, I have just one thing to say about that: Those quotes around breathing? They're there for a reason.

So, anyway, I tried to convince Iruka-sensei that an enemy ninja had infiltrated our classroom.

"IRUKA-SENSEI! THERE'S A NINJA IN OUR CLASSROOM!"

"SHUT UP, NARUTO!"

… I may not have been very clear. But I kept trying, and even when I was pretty sure I was saying everything that needed to be said in plain and simple Japanese, he still didn't understand. It was like I was the bad guy for even thinking of thinking about suggesting the possibility of the transfer student maybe being an enemy ninja.

So, I decided it had to be a Genjutsu. I tried going to the Hokage, but he said that I was talking bad about his granddaughter, and would have had me executed, if his "granddaughter" didn't leap to my defense, claiming I was a poor, confused orphan who just needed the care and attention and blah blah blah.

I threw up sometime between her speech and when everyone present began to praise her for her never-ending wealth of compassion.

By Friday, she was Sasuke's younger sister, with a tragic backstory to match. When she first told it to us – whoever asked her why she was crying should taken out and shot – her entire village was murderized by her beloved older brother, Itachi. That, at least, made sense.

The next time someone asked, it was because Itachi had raped her, and then massacred her entire village. Every male in my class promptly swore to avenge her, and every girl burst into tears.

When I asked – Oh, shut up – her goldfish had died.

Everyone burst into tears.

Apparently, having a tragic backstory had its perks. When she was Sasuke's sister, she was the picture of innocence to him, but to everyone else, including Iruka-sensei, she was a rotten little snot.

She would call Iruka-sensei names, insult his dead parents.

And, in his rage, he would get a little misty eyed, patting her head fondly before returning to his lesson.

She called Sakura a whore, a skank, ugly, and Billboard Brow.

This earned her a laugh and an 'oh, isn't she just adorable'.

Apparently, just being an orphan didn't count for anything, because I couldn't get the odd word out without being punched in the face by the girl I liked.

Eventually, the transfer student, Mary, became Sasuke's girlfriend. Not all the time. She would alternate. One second, she'd be calling him onii-chan, and the next she'd be eating his face. It was during the split second transition that I could see the real Sasuke shining through. As the girls went from cooing over how cute his sister was to lamenting how they just couldn't compare to his girlfriend's good looks – anyone who disagreed was promptly stabbed – and the boys went from staring amorously at Sasuke's little sister to glaring at Sasuke with the full force of their unbridled envy, Sasuke would look wildly around the room, his eyes wide, confused, and utterly terrified.

So, maybe it was for him.

Or maybe I was just bored.

But I decided.

It was time for transfer student to go.

First, I tried to just bully her a little. I set an eraser up so it would fall on her head. She opened the door, I sat up. She started to walk in, I took a quick breath, holding it. The eraser began to fall, I got ready to cheer-

And then it disappeared. An inch away from her perfect little head, it just vanished into thin air. With a pop and everything.

For a full minute, my mouth just hung open. After she took her seat, I asked Iruka-sensei where his eraser was. It was a good thing he was inexhaustibly patient and understanding, as befitted a teacher, otherwise he would have thrown an eraser at my head and told me to stop goofing off.

Ah, who am I kidding?

That's exactly what he did. I just didn't care. Because it was the eraser. The one I'd just seen disappear into thin air.

Was I the only one in a genjutsu?

Was none of it real?

Finally, I couldn't take anymore. I went to school the next day with 15 bomb tags, 4 kunai, 6 shruiken, and Zabuza's sword. Don't ask me how I got it.

So, anyway, she was making out with Sasuke when I pulled out all my weapons, shouting, "I know you're an enemy ninja. Or a genjutsu. Or something."

Nailed it.

She removed herself from Sasuke's face – I'm pretty sure I saw a glimmer of relief in his normally soulless eyes – wiped her mouth, and smiled, "That's what you think I am? How cute."

Suddenly, she did seem beautiful to me. Beautiful the way a desert was. Or a harsh winter. Her beauty wasn't something that bred life. It was something that absorbed it. It was a beauty and a power that destroyed. And, yes, that was beautiful.

And, yes, I may be a little messed up.

You would be, too, if you went through what I went through.

Shaking now, I said, "If that's not what you are, then what are you?"

"The same thing you are."

I nearly dropped Zabuza's blade. Sasuke's eyes widened a fraction. "Excuse me?"

She rolled her eyes, all pretenses of being cute or innocent gone. "I'm a Sue. Just. Like. You."

Blinking intelligently, I rallied all my brain cells and answered, "I have no idea what that means."

Her palm met her forehead with a satisfying smack.

"How did you get that sword?" She asked, foot tapping impatiently like she was trying to explain addition to a particularly slow child.

The sword, which should have been heavy in my hands, hung comfortably from the tight hold I had on its handle. And I'd honestly had no idea how I'd gotten it.

Gradually, her Uchiha clothes transformed into clothes that matched mine, clothes with the Uzumaki symbol, "You wanted that sword. That's why you have it now. You haven't even met Zabuza. You don't even know who he is. But you have his sword and you know his name. Why?"

I didn't know.

She continued, "You're the only one who realized that there was something strange about me. The only one unaffected. Why?"

Now that she said that, it was strange. I hadn't done anything special, so why was I different?

Raising her fingers, her hair now blond and her eyes blue, she counted, "You're an orphan. You've been treated poorly by your village. Your father was the Fourth Hokage." I dropped my sword, but she cut me off before I could say anything. "There's a fox sealed inside that gives you more chakra than a Jounin, you inspire loyalty wherever you go, despite being dumber than a bag of sand-"

"Hey!"

"You're the reincarnation of the Sixth Sage's son, and- oh - there's a prophecy about how you're destined to save the world."

That was a lot to take in. I wasn't about to believe everything she said just because she said it, but… it would be really nice if all that were true. If it were…

"If it were, I'd be just like you. " I tested the word, "A Sue."

She grinned at me, like I'd proved to be cleverer than she'd given me credit for. "That's right. And that means, you can do everything I've done." She gestured to my frozen classmates, each staring glassily at the walls, except for Sasuke, who seemed to be staring at us. I remembered learning something about Sharingans being able to see through genjutsu's. Maybe his unawakened eyes were helping him fight off Mary's control.

Feeling brave, I asked, "What would happen if we fought?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I can make your weapons disappear, and you could probably give me a spontaneous heart attack or talk me into killing myself, but neither of us would stay dead for long. And besides," her lips curled in a smile that promised bad things for the future of ninjakind, "why not just join me?"

My jaw worked, my fists clenched, but I decided to hear her out. After all, what had anyone in this village ever done for me?

"With your Sueness, you could be the Hokage before your 13th birthday, if you wanted. You could unite the villages, have any girl you desired-" Sakura's face popped into my head, but I quickly cast that image aside. After all, why would I want a girl who punched me all the time? That was stupid. "-everyone would love you, and I would be right there, ruling by your side." A wind blew through the classroom, blowing her hair back dramtically, which, by now, I realized was because she wanted her hair to be blown back dramatically. Her voice lowered an octave, her skin glowed a little green, for some odd reason, and she finished, "All shall love us and despair."

I could see it. A future where I was loved, accepted, wanted. And with someone who understood. Understood what I was.

There was a flicker of hope in the Uchiha's eyes when I walked past Mary. I leaned against his desk, feeling my clothes change and my hair darken with some elation as I said, "Hey there, o-nii-chan.")