A/N: I was inspired to write this after seeing a gifset on tumblr. I actually posted this on my sideblog on there, but thought I would post it here, too. This was written for just a couple of my friends but I figured I'd post it and see what happened. I don't own Rizzoli and Isles. Trust me. I also typed this on my phone and no one proof read or anything so it is what it is. I hope you enjoy!

post/57459264709/au-in-which-maura-goes-to-therapy

Her heart hammered in her chest and her breathing became shallow and erratic as she looked around the room, shifting uncomfortably as her nerves made her entire body break out in a cold sweat. She uncrossed her legs, feeling how they stuck together slightly when she pulled them apart, just to recross them seconds later. She rubbed her hands up and down her thighs as she fidgeted, trying to dry her palms. As she lifted her hands she looked at them and watched them tremble, almost as if she were cold. In a way, she was. Physically her nerves made her feel like ice was coursing through her veins and freezing each and every nerve ending she had. Emotionally, she felt drained and empty and shattered. Her heart felt like it was frozen and beginning to shatter, just as it had felt for a month. She closed her eyes and took a breath before opening them once more, hazel dancing nervously around the room and taking in the area.

She had been coming here for a while, the long sessions with the trained woman gradually making her feel slightly less awkward and broken. Within these walls she could confess everything and anything with no judgement or scrutiny. She had told the woman about all of her anxieties and social awkwardness. She had confessed about her pained past and the assault she had come to remember from the night she lost five hours of her memory. She had even discussed each sexual encounter, and after a while how they were all people she had used to fulfill a need only a certain detective could actually quench. To an extent, she had even discussed Jane, and how her life had changed thanks to the Southie beauty who protected her daily. Maura had told Doctor Chapman everything, except for one thing: that she was hopelessly in love with Jane.

Today was the day that conversation was supposed to happen, and Maura knew it. Her last session had concluded with Maura teary eyed and yelling at the calm, stable woman about how she didn't need her in her heart, she could just stay in her mind. The psychologist had merely given Maura a sad smile and said, "in order to help you with one, you have to let me into the other."

And here Maura was today, waiting for Doctor Chapman, or Amy as she had told the medical examiner to call her, to enter the room and start prying her way in thru the spaces in Maura's cracked and damaged soul.

Soon Maura heard the all to familiar sound of heels clacking towards the room, then thudding softly across the thick carpet as she entered the waiting room and finally the small office where the small, Irish descended woman waited, her anxiety clear on her face.

Amy walked to her chair and sat down, reaching into the small desk next to it and grabbing a notepad and pen. She looked up to meet Maura's eyes, or try to since she was looking at the floor intently, and smiled warmly. She watched Maura fidget and felt her heart sink. She felt for all of her patients, but when it came to Ms. Isles, she couldn't help but feel...more.

"Good afternoon, Doctor. How're you feeling today?"

"Uhh," Maura nervously smiled and clasped her hands, wringing them together to still their shaking. "I'm...alive."

Amy nodded, seeing how difficult the past few months had been on Maura. She had briefly gotten to discuss with the medical examiner the fact that Jane had gotten engaged, but the conversation hadn't progressed much further, which was rare. Usually when it came to Jane in the past, the blonde before her would begin talking and use 55 minutes out of an hour talking about her "LLBFF."

"Maura, I'm not going to beat around the bush today, and I'm not going to let you, either. I know you have been avoiding discussing Jane, especially her engagement, but honestly we need to."

"I ...briefly discussed her last time."

"You said," Amy told her as she flipped into Maura's file and found the notes from Maura's last session, "and I quote, 'Jane means more to me than anyone else on this earth. More than she knows. And I'll never get to tell her because she is marrying Casey, and I can't ruin that for her.'" Amy looked up at Maura, seeing tears brimming hazel eyes. She softened her tone before continuing. "Why can't you tell her? What is it you feel that holds you back, Ms. Isles?"

"I can't," Maura choked out.

"Why? Maura, she's your best friend. She'll understand. You've barely spoken of her in two months. Or to her, from what I've gathered in our sessions. What can't you tell her?"

"I don't want to discuss her. I can't," Maura forced out as tears flowed more heavily down her face now. "I can't talk about her."

Amy's heart clenched as she watched Maura crumble. "Why?"

Maura laughed sarcastically, looking at the ceiling before she wiped her eyes gently with her finger tips.

"You know how people talk about the love of their life?" Maura asked, false sentiment dripping from her words. "How they talk about the moment they met and their first date and how long they dated? They'll talk about everything to do with how their relationship progressed." Maura's voice became quiet, only a murmur as she concluded her question with, "how they defend each other. Save each other. How they taste."

Amy patiently waited, listening to Maura's quiets words, letting the doctor lead this discussion. "I do."

"That's Jane," Maura blatantly stated. "That's the love of my life. That's the one person I would give anything for. I'd die for her."

"With no hesitation?"

"None whatsoever," Maura confirmed, her gaze unwavering and bold, just like her words.

"But you never got the chance to have her."

"Not in the traditional sense, no. I never got to kiss her or hold her or...see how she looks with the moonlight shining off of her skin as she moved with me. I never got to taste her beer on her lips or the salty skin at the curve of her neck. I never got to whisper how much I love her with her fingers entwined with mine as she arched into me, whimpering," Maura described quietly, a glassy look in her eyes as she stared vacantly into space. "But I got to experience so many other things."

"Like what?"

Maura smiled lazily, a sadness present in her expression as it rolled off her body in waves.

"I was there when she shot herself," Maura mumbled, her gaze dropping to her hands which rested in her lap. "I ran out the door, and I watched... I watched as she pulled the trigger and fell to the ground," Maura recalled, closing her eyes as she felt herself slipping back into that moment.

She could hear the screams of officers, trying to make her stop, confused over what Jane had done. She could feel the sun on her back and hair, blinding her and making her eyes hurt as she ran straight into the light outside, not caring about anything but Jane. She could hear her heels as she ran. She felt the rough concrete scraping her legs as she slid onto the concrete steps and lunged forward on her hands and knees, crawling over to Jane. She could feel Jane's warm blood covering her hands as she fought to stay calm and stop the bleeding while tears steamed down her face. She could even feel the hoarseness of her throat as she screamed for help and for Jane to stay with her.

"I...held my hands over her wound," Maura said, painting the picture for Amy as she spoke quietly, her voice hoarse from tears. "I held it there and felt her blood and begged her to stay with me. Please. To stay and be with me so I could love her."

"Did she know?"

Maura shook her head. "She had blacked out."

"Were you with her through other incidents such as these?"

"You mean ones where her life was in jeopardy? Absolutely."

"Such as?"

"The explosion at the Hero's gala. I held her when it happened. She was so terrified. For once, I was the strong one. I made her feel protected in that moment. When Casey had surgery, I held her as she cried and put together all the broken pieces he had left behind. And I sat by and listened as she told me about Agent Dean. How she thought she could move on. And I supported her," Maura confessed. "I loved her through all of it."

Amy gave her a moment before she pressed for more. "Go on."

Maura's gaze remained distant as she shook her head, only slightly at first, but then it grew in intensity as Maura shook her head furiously.

"No. I just... I can't," she forced out around a sob as she shifted once again in her seat. "I can't talk about her with anyone. Not anymore. I can't talk about her. With anybody," Maura spat, hurt in her eyes as she looked at Amy with a cold, angry stare.

"And why is that?"

"Because."

"Because why, Maura?"

"Because it makes me sad!" Maura practically screamed. "It makes me so sad. And angry. And hurt. And broken. And weak. And just...pathetic!"

"Why do you think it makes you pathetic?" Amy asked, handing Maura some tissues and a bottle of water from her desk.

"Because I keep loving her anyway.
Through every stupid, self inflicted danger. Through every struggle and fight. Through every man. Through Casey. I keep loving her and doing for her regardless. I can't move on. I can't bring myself to tell her how I feel. I'm a coward and a door mat. I am pathetic."

"Loving her regardless of what happens doesn't make you pathetic."

Maura scoffed. "Did you know she told me about her dream wedding once? And when I asked if I could come, she said maybe."

"I'm sure she was joking."

"While she was joking and having a laugh, I was lying next to her and staring at her. I took in every detail of her face. How her eyes are falsely foreboding when they're really flecked with gold and amber and they're so warm and welcoming. How her mouth curves when she smiles and her dimples appear when she grins. I laid there and I just accepted the fact that if I am even lucky enough to be there, I will just be a guest in the audience, or a bridesmaid at best. I'll watch her marry Casey and walk away from me forever, and I'll never say anything about it to her. I'll never tell her I love her. I'll just sit by on the couch like I do now and listen to her tell me all about Casey and I'll smile and nod when she's there and cry after she leaves."

Amy let a moment of silence fall over them as Maura composed herself and sniffled into a tissue as she wiped her eyes. Maura felt hurt and empty yet free and whole and like for the first time in two months, things might just be okay.

"Maura, you need to talk to Jane."

"And say what? Don't marry him, marry me?"

Amy laughed softly as she shook her head and placed her notebook on the side desk, leaning forward and closer to Maura.

"No, maybe not that, but you do need to talk to her. Tell her the truth. How you feel. How you have felt. You need to tell her before it is too late. What if she wants you, too?"

"Then she wouldn't be with Casey."

"Are you sure about that?"

Maura raised her eyes to me Amy's questioning gaze, unsure of what she meant.

"They're engaged. I'm pretty positive that ship has sailed."

"Jane was raised in a blue collar, Italian, catholic family from South Boston. She probably, to an extent, feels she can't have you for financial and socioeconomic reasons as well as strict religious reasons that have been forced into her life. You'll never know until you try. But, Maura, people don't almost die for just anyone. And she almost died for you several times. She almost went to jail for you, no questions asked and with no pressure to do so."

"And if she rejects me?"

"You do what to have to, and come here when you need to."

Maura picked at the material of her Aramni suit and thought for a moment, letting the words sink in.

"I don't think I can."

"I do."

"How?"

"You were strong enough to tell me. You can tell her."

Maura sat still for a moment before nodding. "Okay. I'll tell her."

Amy nodded. "Good."

As Maura grabbed her purse and stood, she faced Amy, hesitating before leaving.

"If I need to call you-"

"You have my cell number and I am available anytime."

"Thank you."

"Always."

Amy watched her move to leave, stopping her. "And Maura?" The medical examiner turned to face her, her expression blank. "Loving her, no matter what, makes you strong. Stronger than even Jane is. Don't forget that. Don't run from it."

Maura nodded and with that she left, leaving Amy in her office alone.

A/N: This was originally a one-shot and as far as being posted on here, may remain that way. A few people I know have asked me to continue it so I may. This was kind of a rough run of this, so I may edit and repost.