Media: Fic
Title: Extra Hold
Rating: T (to be safe for the feelings I guess)
Warnings: Triggers for depression and suicidal/self-harming thoughts (seriously huge triggers, we're dealing with my angst!blaine's internal thoughts and many of my own. If I wasn't writing this I shouldn't be reading it)
Word Count: ~2400
Summary: Every morning as Blaine prepares himself for the day he hopes that his hair gel is thick enough to hold himself together and that today won't be the day Kurt realizes how worthless he is.
2:49 AM
Blaine looks at his clock. He's been in bed since around eleven trying to fall asleep. He should have stopped trying to sleep this early by now as he hasn't been able to fall asleep since before two for the past month. It's strange though. Blaine is tired all day; he can barely keep his head up. After he finally gets his homework done he lets himself finally get into bed.
It's as if the second his head hits the pillow his brain awakens. He is still exhausted, but he will never fall asleep. He just thinks. It may start out with simple thoughts and his daily prayers. He may just go through his thoughts from today, his hopes for tomorrow.
Soon he analyzes. He looks critically at his mistakes. He looks at what could happen.
Time passes by as he still cannot sleep and he looks at how badly he messed up. He's terrible. He thinks about tomorrow. Tomorrow will be no better. It'll just be another day in which he'll go on with his pathetic excuse at life.
He doesn't deserve anything. Why did he leave Dalton? He's letting down tons of people, all of his friends, his parents. He's thrown away his academics. He's not going to get into a good school. He'll never get a good job. He'll be a failure forever.
And what for? A boy that is going to graduate and leave him. Some boy that probably won't even hold onto him that long. They'll be over soon because Blaine isn't enough for him. Blaine isn't going to ever be old enough or tall enough or smart enough or attractive enough. His hair will never look good. He will never be supportive enough. He'll never be enough sexually or romantically. He doesn't deserve his boyfriend and it's only time before his boyfriend realizes this.
He's never deserved anything. He probably only got into Dalton because of his family. He probably was only the lead Warbler because they felt sorry for him.
Blaine tries to push all of this out of his head. He rolls over and borrows himself further under his blanket and tries to sleep.
4:03 AM
Blaine has slept for a bit over an hour and is up again. If he can ever fall asleep it rarely lasts. He's up again because he's still thinking.
And now he's sad. He's brought down any misconceptions he'd managed to create that he was worth anything. He isn't worth anything. He has no reason to be alive.
He doesn't want to die. He would never hurt himself. He just doesn't want to be here. He doesn't want to be anywhere. He doesn't want to live. He doesn't want to have to deal with tomorrow. Tomorrow will just be another day in which he fails someone else. Another day closer to when his boyfriend will leave him. Another day in which he'll be closer to breaking down.
But he's terrible for thinking this. He should be worth something. His parents have given him everything. He has money, he has parents who will pay for anything, he has a boyfriend, he has friends. He should be happy. He shouldn't be depressed. He doesn't deserve that. There are so many people much worse off than him. There is no excuse for Blaine feeling this way.
He's managed to work himself to the place he reaches every night. At this point he turns over, hugs his pillow, and cries into it until he can fall asleep.
5:45 AM
Blaine's alarm goes off. It's the same persistent beep that he is awoken too every morning.
He drags himself into the shower and hopes that the cold shower will wake him up and get any puffiness and redness out of his eyes. He works his conditioner through his hair and hopes that today it'll keep his hair tame.
After he's toweled off he stands himself in front of his mirror. The reflection staring back at him is hideous. Unruly hair. Empty eyes. Too much stubble. A chubby face. Flap on his upper body. No strength. He doesn't understand how anyone could find him attractive.
Blaine picks up his razor and turns it over in his hand a couple times. It would be so easy to cut himself. He could just cut himself a little too much. It could be over. But he would never hurt himself. He's too afraid of pain. He's a coward. He's too much of a coward to hurt himself even.
He goes out into his room and goes to his closet. One the far right lay his old uniforms. They look so perfect. They are pressed and pristine. They are safe. It would be so easy to slip it on and feel its heavy fabric across his skin. Instead he chooses another perfectly pressed ensemble and a bow-tie because a regular tie like those that he craves from Dalton would be too out of place.
He goes back into his bathroom and scoops out enough gel to hold his hair in place. As he places it upon his head he builds up a sort of shield. He doesn't have enough gel to make his hair perfect, but he hopes he has enough to keep it together. As he adds the layers he distances the unruly self he can be alone from who he must be to other people.
As he finishes with his hair he hopes that it'll stay, that it'll be enough to keep himself together.
He paints a smile upon his face.
7:30 AM
Blaine arrives at school and gives himself a final check in his rear view mirror before exiting his car. His hair is still intact. His bow-tie is straight. He has a smile on his face.
He approaches his boyfriend's locker. Blaine wants so much to be held by him. Sometimes he just wants to let down his shield and let himself cry in front of Kurt. He wants to call him up and say that he's hurting. He wants to cry when asked how he is. He wants to be sad now and let himself be comforted by his boyfriend.
Instead he smiles and compliments Kurt on another impeccable outfit.
After school he gets home and starts on his homework. He then repeats the same process as last night and the next morning follow suit.
As does the next month.
7:48 PM
Kurt follows Blaine up the stairs to his room. Blaine has assembled himself as perfectly as he can for their date. He's always afraid when it's just the two of them together; he tries to act extra confident and smile a lot and make sure that everything seems alright. People like happy people. Blaine needs to be perfect so that Kurt won't leave him.
They sit across from each other on the bed and Blaine is filled with the normal nervousness that he finds himself entangled in whenever they are alone. Blaine isn't scared about doing things with Kurt, but that he won't do them correctly.
As Kurt leans in for a kiss, Blaine tries to relax himself and enjoy it. He does enjoy it, he's sure that he does because he's a teenage boy and this kind of stuff should feel good. He shouldn't have to convince himself that he likes kissing his boyfriend, because he does like it. But he's so nervous that he barely can allow himself to feel the pressure of his Kurt's perfectly smooth lips against his own. Instead he worries about if he is being what Kurt wants him to be, if this kiss is okay, if he isn't screwing up too badly.
Kurt pulls back and gives him a slight smile before diving back in. This time is deeper. Kurt laces his hands through Blaine's perfectly gelled hair and pulls Blaine in impossibly closer. Blaine allows his lips to be parted and he tastes a whisper of mint on Kurt's tongue hiding the natural taste that he always has.
As they continue to kiss Kurt continues to play with his hair and it bothers Blaine. His hair has lost its perfect shape. The shell of his hair has been broken.
Kurt pulls back and he unthreads his fingers and smiles at Blaine. He asks if Blaine could just rinse the gel out of his hair. Kurt wants to see his curls free and to play with them instead of having to work through a mass of hardened gel.
Reluctantly Blaine lifts himself off of the bed with a slight nod and goes to the bathroom.
8:03
He closes the door and runs the tap water. His head is dropped into the sink and he allows the warm water to flow through his head and he works his fingers into his scalp.
The gel flows into the drain. As it spirals down Blaine becomes afraid. Kurt is always so perfectly styled; there is no way that Kurt will be okay with how wild his hair is naturally.
Once it is all rinsed out and toweled off Blaine looks at himself in the mirror. He is hideous. Curls are everywhere. Stubble has grown since he shaved in the morning. His bow-tie is askew. His lips are slightly chapped. His face is too wide.
There is no way that he can go back in there. Kurt will surely reject him. There is nothing that Blaine can offer him other than basically being the only gay guy that Kurt has ever met. Blaine was stupid for having kissed him in the first place back all those months ago. Kurt is probably just waiting for someone else to come along.
And then Blaine will be pushed to the curb and he'll go back to being alone. His parents will see how much of a failure he is. He will have let them down for nothing and then he'll go back to Dalton and everyone will see him and know how much of a failure he is.
The next time Blaine looks at his face in the mirror he realizes that he's started crying. At this realization he just feels more pathetic and the tears increase. His sobs uncontrollable and his breaths feel short. Soon he is hyperventilating and he's allowed himself to fall to the floor. Blaine pushes himself into the corner of the room and brings his legs into his chest. Curling into himself, he just wishes that he could disappear.
8:21
There is a knocking on the door which pulls Blaine out of himself. He realizes that Kurt is out there and he must have been in here for far too long. Kurt will know how messed up he is and then Kurt will leave him because he won't be perfect.
A quick glance around the room reveals the same assortment of things always in his bathroom. The razors. The bath tub. The pills. Blaine feels like an idiot for being too afraid to hurt himself. He wishes that he could get out to here, to tell Kurt that he's hurting and to allow Kurt to know what is going on in his head and allow Kurt to hold him while he cries.
But that would be the end of them.
Blaine hears Kurt's voice outside. He's asking if everything is okay and telling him that he cares and that he should just open the door and let him in. If Blaine doesn't want this Kurt would be okay with just talking to him, just for him to listen.
Kurt is probably just pretending to care. Maybe he'd come in and hug him and get him cheered up enough to make it okay for Kurt to break up with him. Perhaps it would be better to just let Kurt end it now instead of having to deal with trying to keep this up for much longer. It's inevitable that they will be over sometime soon because Blaine clearly isn't worth of Kurt.
8:28
Blaine is jolted by the opening of the bathroom door. He hadn't locked it. Quickly Blaine turns himself away from the door and tries to bury himself even more. He tries to disappear. He wishes that he didn't exist.
As he feels Kurt approaching he tries to still his breathing and tears in hopes that maybe he can pull off being okay and he can say that he had trouble getting the gel out. Yeah, maybe it'll be alright. Blaine looks up and they meet eyes. Kurt has held himself a bit away from him and then asks him if it's okay if he comes over and sits with him. Blaine looks away and then nods.
Once Kurt has sat next to him, he asks if it's okay for him to put his arm around him. Blaine contemplates this. This could mess up so badly, but at this point it isn't getting any worse. So he nods. When he feels Kurt's arms around him the tears start up again and Kurt pulls him into his chest and fully embraces him. He doesn't try to ask him what's wrong but instead just rubs his back and kisses the top of his head.
After some time the tears come to their own end and Blaine wants to leave. He shouldn't have let himself cry in front of Kurt and there is no going back now. He's pathetic. Blaine just wants to leave but he can't because it's his house.
8:42
Blaine disregards that this is his own house and pushes off of Kurt and runs. He runs out the door and down the stairs. He goes out the back door and runs through the meadow behind his house. He runs and he runs and he runs and he hopes that Kurt didn't follow.
A/N: Possibly to be continued?