The Diaries of a Slightly Mad Housewife and a Young, Dusty Psychiatrist
Scene from "The Maris Counselor" (Season 5, Episode 13)
Niles: Maris is having an affair with Schenkman!
Frasier: [stunned] Schenkman! That contemptible bastard!
Niles: He was waiting at the house for her when I got there.
Frasier: I'm so sorry Niles. Is there anything I can do?
Niles: I don't see how, they're in love, they plan to get married.
Frasier: He told you that?
Niles: Hmm. She confirmed it. She walked in, when she'd stop shrieking we coaxed her down off the canopy.
Frasier: I'm just shocked, thing's seem to be going so well with the two of you.
Niles: That's what I thought. [thinks] You know, maybe Maris' feelings for Dr.Schenkman aren't real?! Maybe this is simply a case of transference.
Frasier: Well patients often do believe they've fallen in love with their analysts, it's very common, it's happened to everyone.
Niles: I know, it's happened to me!
Frasier: Oh, get out of town!
Niles: Several times. Well I think that's exactly what's going on here...
Many years earlier...
From the diary of Dr. Niles Crane -
I am so excited! I have another new patient today! My practice is starting
to take hold and thanks to Dr. Holgrem recommending me to some of his
patients, I feel confident that I will gain a reputation soon and become one
of Seattle's well-established psychiatrists. This is what I have worked so
hard for so many years. Mother would have been proud!
Frasier said it wouldn't be easy, but I really appreciate the fact that he
recommended that I set up my practice here in Seattle. That way I can still
be close to Dad, now that Mom has passed away. What I mean by close is of course relative! Since we have very little in common, besides our last name and well-developed calf muscles (I can't think of anything else!), I really mean that I can keep an "eye" on him, to make sure he is adjusting to being alone.
Oh, I've tried my best to connect with him, but he is so angry
about losing Mom. I guess we all are, in our lonely hearts. He just
seems to shut everyone and everything out that reminds him of her. Since
I am the only one of his two sons living on this side of the continent, that
makes me the lucky choice to receive the brunt of his frustrations.
Maris, my lovely new bride, says that I should just leave him alone and let
him wallow in his self-pity. "He'll come around eventually," were her exact
words, if I recall correctly. It sounds so harsh, but she probably is
right.
She is always so definite about things. So decisive. So in control. Not like me... I just can't bring myself to make an absolute decision sometimes. I always see the pitfalls and fears before I do anything and it sometimes makes me very hesitant in my behaviour. I must consider these traits sometime and analysis this further. But not right now!! I have a new patient to consider.
Her name is Mrs. Welsley. Mrs. Patricia Welsley. She is a native of
Chicago and recently transferred out to Seattle when her husband got a
promotion with IBM I looked over her case file sent to me by her G.P.
and it doesn't look like we are dealing with anything too severe. There are
notes on her reporting depression and a general feeling of malaise. He was
concerned because she had another bout of depression a few years back when she was in Chicago, just after she was married. A mild sedative was
prescribed and things seemed to get better. But, here it is back again.
Well, her appointment is at 4:00 p.m. tomorrow and I will do my best to help
her.
Oh, I hear Maris ringing her little bell! That is such a cute way to get
my attention! Her father's house is sooo large and I can't imagine her raising her voice to call out for me, seeing how thin and frail she is! I must remind her to eat a bit more tonight at dinner.
Well, I won't say it outright. She seems to get easily hurt if I mention things about her body weight. I'll just show her by my example that eating healthy is the right thing to do. Of course, last night that didn't work either! I must be more careful not to upset her - I don't want her running from the room and crying again! I can't even remember what I said now that was so insensitive, but she was so agitated that it must have been something! She is so delicate! Oh, there's the bell again! Got to go!!!!
From the diary of Patricia Welsley -
I am scheduled to see *another* doctor tomorrow at 4:00 p.m. !! Maybe this
Dr. Crane can help me. We will see. Charles is busy so it doesn't matter if the appointment runs a little long and of course it will take time to get back home.
This Dr. Crane has his office downtown and we live a fair distance out in the suburbs. There are some lovely estates out here! Almost as nice as back in Chicago. There is one that I particularly like... the one with the large wrought iron gates and those grotesque gargoyles out front. I wonder who lives there? Well maybe I will get to know my neighbors soon. Or not... I don't feel very sociable lately.
Oh dear, it is past 12:00 midnight and Charles is not home yet. He works so hard. I should be grateful, but lately I just feel lonely. I guess I will take a sleeping pill and go to bed. I'll need some rest, if I am going to get up and make that appointment tomorrow.
Life seems like such a struggle lately.... even just getting out of bed is such a chore.
From the diary of Dr. Niles Crane -
Well, my first appointment with Mrs. Welsley went all right, I think. She
seems to be a nice enough lady, calm, soft-spoken, cultured and accepting of my general questions. I didn't press anything really, I just wanted to get
to know her, in a professional sense, of course. She did seem tired and
distracted a bit. I will have to make a note to ask her in the future
about her sleeping habits. After all, the appointment was at 4:00 p.m.
Perhaps that is too late in the day - she may be a very busy woman. Like
my Maris! She is very busy! Oh, she doesn't have a paying job or profession. Maris' family is much too rich and influential for *that, but she is very involved in all sorts of Seattle social circles. That is quite enough for my tiny, tender pumpkin! What with the Wine Club, her Book Club, the Woman's Musical Society, the Seattle Theatrical Patrons... just to name a few! She is always doing something!
Maybe Mrs. Welsley knows Maris socially. Oh dear, I will
have to be careful. I'll talk to Maris about this. Well, on second
thought, I will just leave her a note. That way if what I say upsets
her, she will have time to calm down before she sees me again. I don't want a repeat of what happened at the breakfast table this morning! I can't for the life of me fathom what I said that disturbed her so much that she would throw that cup! I guess I can be such a "cad", as she reminds me sometimes.
Maris says it is the influence of having a "commonly-behaved father". She says he set a bad example for me when I was in my formative years, so it isn't really my fault. I wish she wouldn't say things like that! I am beginning to think that she doesn't like my family. I know Dad can be a pain in the "derriere" sometimes, but he means well.
As Frasier reminded me the other night, when I was talking to him on the phone, Dad worked very hard to make sure we always had the best of everything - even when he couldn't relate to our wants and desires in any way. Maybe Maris will see this for herself some day, I hope. Yes, I will have to talk to her about this some day... when the time is right and she is in a better mood... and I feel more confident.
Getting back to Mrs. Welsley... I feel that it may take some time but she is
a co-operative and willing patient who seems to be familiar with what is
expected of a person who is receiving therapy. I wish she would open up a
bit more and trust me, but that will come with time and good communication
between the two of us. I have scheduled her for one session every week for
the new few months. I think that is the wisest course of action.
From the diary of Patricia Welsley -
I had my first session with Dr. Crane. It went well, I think. He seems
professional enough, although he is awfully young. His office was
inviting enough and we sat in large leather chairs, just chatting - instead
of me on the couch, like I did at my last psychiatrist.
He was very neatly dressed in a dark, double-breasted suit with a colourful, yet tasteful tie to accessorize with it. He is very pale looking, with straight, sandy blond hair and dark, cobalt blue eyes. His face is very thin and he has a cleft chin, with a very angular jaw. His fingers are long and thin and in constant motion. He uses them a lot when talking, fidgets with his pencil and taps the arm of the chair constantly, when not writing things down in his notepad.
I know my description of him seems rather excessive and overly detailed, but I pride myself in being observant and there is something about Dr. Crane that attracts one's full attention.
His manner is quiet and calm. He pauses between his words often,
indicating to me that he is thoughtful and measured in his responses.
I like that about him. He looks directly at me when I am talking to him
and nods reassuringly, as I respond to his queries.
Even though the session lasted a full hour, he didn't bring up the topic of my depression once. He said that this appointment was primarily meant for us to get aquatinted with each other, so that we would feel more comfortable in the therapy sessions after that. That is another thing I liked about him. He didn't seem in a rush - he took his time and this made me feel important. I am looking forward to seeing him next week. I have a feeling this man can help me through my emotional storm.
From the diary of Dr. Niles Crane -
I think I am gaining the trust of Mrs. Welsley. It has been a couple of
weeks now and she seemed to open up a bit more to me today in our session. I asked her about how she is sleeping and she told me that she is taking the occasional pill to get her to relax and fall asleep. I worry about
this. Women like this tend to underestimate the amount of medication that they are using. At least, I find that they aren't as forthright as they could be when talking about it with others.
I am not sure, but Maris seems to take a lot of pills, as well, and I find this
disturbing. I found quite a lot of bottles in the bathroom off of our bedroom and when I inquired about what they were for, she became very defensive. Obviously she is getting some doctor to prescribe them, but she refused to tell me what they were for and immediately cleared them out, before I could get a closer look at them and locked them in the bedside cabinet where she keeps her jewelry.
For the next few hours she adamantly reminded me that just because we were married it didn't mean that I had a right to pry into her private affairs and that I should be more sensitive to her needs and stop harassing her.
She is probably right. I just am concerned for her health, but obviously I have to approach it in a more delicate way. I have so much to learn about being married!
I wish I could talk to Dad about this, but he really doesn't seem receptive when I mention Maris' name. If Mom were here, she would just tell him to be more tolerant and then she would sit down and listen to me. I miss her!
And I miss Frasier! I tried to call him the other day, but all I got was his answering machine, again! He must be out at that bar he told me he frequents. If I could remember the name of it, I might even consider calling him there, but then, I suppose that wouldn't really be appropriate.
Anyway getting back to Mrs. Welsley... I will mention to her to try some
deep breathing exercises that I have begun using that seem highly effective. I can relate to her problem about getting to sleep. It is very difficult for me to relax and drift off sometimes. There are so many things that just keep popping up that have to be taken care of... Maris has taken to leaving me a list of things that I have to get for her, each night on my side of the bed. It is kind of like her version of a *love note*, I guess. I must talk to her though, about her sarcastic little comments that she has begun to add to the list. Things like "if you clear your brain long enough to consider me... ", or "think hard, really HARD and you will remember that I told you this yesterday... ". I know she gets frustrated with my mistakes, and I have a great deal of improving to do before I make a good husband, but comments like that tend to hurt my feelings. Yes, I will talk to her about this...some day soon.
From the diary of Patricia Welsley -
I had a *very* interesting session with Dr. Crane today!!
First I tried the breathing exercises that Dr. Crane recommended and they
seem to be working! I feel better now that I don't have to use sleeping pills to get some rest. Charles is still very busy and we have spent very little time together lately as a couple, but I now find that with a good night sleep
I have more energy during the daylight hours. I parked the car in a lot
several blocks from Dr. Crane's office today and walked the distance without any problem. It was so nice of him to care enough about me to mention those exercises to me.
We are making a lot of progress in our sessions and I am beginning to definitely feel more confidant about my life. A big part of this is that I feel he is really someone who I can talk to. I feel a bond developing between us.
This is the reason I feel that I can talk to him about my very private feelings.
I told him about the problems that Charles and I had when we first got married. The look on his face, as I explained how I felt, was so sympathetic. I felt that he really understood what I was going through! He just sighed and didn't say a thing for a while. Then he asked me if we (meaning Charles and I) talked about this in an honest manner. I told him no, but it was about that time that Charles told me I should see a doctor about my depression.
Dr. Crane looked directly at me and said, "Well, at least that showed he did care about you." And then he looked at the floor sadly. Here's where it got *interesting*. I felt he was in some sort of quandary himself, so I reached
out and took his hand. I know that sounds shocking and I probably over
stepped the bounds of a patient / doctor relationship, but it did seem like the appropriate thing to do, at the time. Funny thing is, although he looked up somewhat startled, he didn't withdraw his hand! He rubbed my fingers
for a brief moment and then he patted my hand and placed it gently back in
my lap.
There was nothing suggestive or shameful about what he (or I) did - it just
seemed so tender and caring for a brief moment. After that he seemed to regain his composure (and I did likewise, I must say) and we ended the session on a cordial note.
Can I make a confession, diary? I still can feel Dr. Niles Crane's touch on my hand, even now. It was warm and gentle, smooth and firm. I swear I can still smell a faint odour of lavender - it must come from the type of soap he uses. Just like I thought it would be. That's all... nothing more.
From the diary of Dr. Niles Crane -
I feel very excited about a breakthrough I had with Patricia Welsley today!
She looked and acted with so much more energy, when she came through the door that I knew we were going to have a great session! We covered a lot of territory and I think I am getting to understand the root of her unhappiness. She lacks confidence and feels she is insignificant in her husband's busy life. She seems to be a very sensitive woman and needs approval (but then who of us really doesn't?) from the people she loves.
We talked about her problems with her husband when they were first married. I told her it is important for couples, especially when they are just starting out to keep the lines of communication open and discuss things as they come up, so they don't fester and grow into larger problems down the line.
Easier said than done, sometimes. I wish Maris and I talked more. The trouble is Maris doesn't seem to want to talk to me when we are alone. She says it gives her a *headache*. I guess it really is a case of "physician heal thyself"!
Anyway, Mrs. Welsley actually reached out and held my hand during
today's session! I took this as a sign that she trusts me enough to make physical contact and that is real progress! I think she just needed the touch of another human being's hand, so I didn't draw back. I don't think
either one of us felt that it was anything more. We were talking about
caring for your mate and showing concern and the next thing I knew she had reached out and clasped her hand in mine. I have to admit that
at first I was a little surprised. And I have to admit I actually liked it.
Not that I was aroused or anything so vulgar as that! It is just that, well... I like the feel of another's hand in mine and Maris and I rarely do this type of thing anymore. Maris says she feels self-conscious about her slight webbing in between her fingers and doesn't like it when attention is drawn to it. I tried to reassure her that I never even noticed this miniscule imperfection and wouldn't dream of ever making her feel uncomfortable about such a thing, but nothing I said abated this insecurity about her fingers. As a result, we just don't hold hands (or have any such spontaneous displays of physical affection) any longer. I miss this.
I think that even the most casual and non-sexual contact with other people is an enjoyable part of life and a necessity for a happy existence. Besides her hand felt nice! We didn't carry it on and I made sure that I ended the session in a very professional manner. Still, just to be on the safe side of my ethics, maybe I should run this by Professor Devlin to see what he thinks of it. Of course I won't use our names...I'll just say I was reading about it in a book and wanted to know what he thought of it.
There, I feel better already about this little matter! Now if the problems
that Maris and I were having were just as easy to solve...
From the diary of Patricia Welsley -
It has been ten months since I began seeing "Dr. Niles". Today we had a
little celebration of sorts. He insisted that it was all right that I call him "Niles" and not the more formal "Dr. Crane". I like that immensely.
I didn't mean to call him by his first name, but it just slipped out when we were talking about what my plans were for the holiday weekend. At first I thought he would object, but after a moment's pause (when I mumbled an abject apology), he shrugged and said, "No, no don't feel bad at all. I think we can safely say that we have known each other long enough to call each other by our Christian names... P... Patricia. There is that better? Does that make you feel more comfortable?"
I have to admit I do like saying his name. It rolls off my tongue easier
than even "Charles". Interesting. I calculated up the number of hours that
I have actually talked with Charles in the last six months (that is, of
course, REALLY talked to each other) and pitted against the number of hours that Niles and I have spent discussing things, and the good doctor won out by a wide margin!!
Although I don't know too much about his private life, I've begun to have my suspicions that he isn't entirely happy with his home life. I overheard (totally by mistake - not by design!) a conversation one day that he had with, what I assume was, his wife and all I can say is - poor dear!! Even just this brief glimpse into his domestic milieu was enough to make it crystalline that he is in a state of total wretchedness. He became more and more agitated as he tried to speak to the woman on the other end of the line. I can honestly say he was almost in a state of tears, hyperventilating and desperately trying to smooth over some difficult situation that he had found himself in. No amount of groveling or apology on his part would suffice, however. In the end he slumped on the edge of his secretary's desk and just folded up, like a kicked and defeated puppy, nodding his head in agreement for all his wrongdoings.
I nearly cried for him when, at the end of the conversation, in a last minute attempt to stave off complete despondency, he rushed out the words "Remember Maris, I really do *love* you!!" in a pitiful display of raw melancholy. You didn't need a psychic's insight to realize that, as he said those words, the recipient of his affections had hung up on him, leaving his feelings exposed for all of the world to see how easily discarded they were by her.
I decided right then, that I would never mistreat him that way and resolved to myself that I would work up the courage to make sure he knew that I respected him as a person. I think this is partly why I called him by his first name. Rather than being a sign of disrespect, I think it showed him that I thought more of him as a person and acknowledged that his feelings counted too (something obviously his wife didn't do). It seems fair - he does the same for me every time we meet in therapy. He is a genuinely sensitive person and needs to be treated with care. I know he feels the same about me.
As a side note, I remember now that he told me that he is going to the quilt show this weekend ("Alone," he said, when I asked him. "My wife says the materials that they make the quilts out of make her allergies act up."). I wonder if I should drop in, by chance, to see some lovely antique quilts this
Saturday?
From the diary of Dr. Niles Crane -
A pleasant surprise happened this weekend - just by pure luck, I came upon Patricia (that is Mrs. Welsley) at the quilt show and we had a brief but
lovely chat. I assured her, when she asked, that it wouldn't be improper for us to have a cup of tea together and it ended up that we had a very friendly conversation for about twenty minutes. I was glad to see her pursuing her own interests.
I think it is important for her confidence that she find a level of happiness that doesn't always include her husband. That is how I manage to enjoy life when Maris is in one of her "moods". I wish I could share more things with her but ... it just isn't meant to be.
At any rate, I think it is all right that I refer to Mrs. Welsley as Patricia. She seems to need this level of familiarity in our sessions. Since I have allowed her to call me Niles, she has really relaxed and now seems to have much more courage to face the fears and demons that plague her. She actually told me that she stood up to her husband the other night when he came home and she told him that she wants him to treat her with more understanding! I wish I had half her fortitude!
I fear that Maris must be a more formable force than Patricia's husband, though. My God, can that tiny woman display such a fury sometimes!!! Lucky I can still move as quick as I can, or the other night I would have received quite a blow from that vase she threw at me! I still don't know how she managed to push me out the front door into that snow bank, but it was fortunate that I had my tweed jacket on already. If I hadn't have had it on, I would have froze nearly to death, since it was a good couple of hours before she listened to my pleas and allowed Marta to unlock the door! Next time I will make sure that I always carry a spare set of house keys in every jacket pocket, just to avoid such a disaster in the future! Burrrr! I swear my feet are still tingling!
Patricia has asked me to increase our therapy sessions to twice a week, but I am not sure this is needed. She seems to be making excellent progress and I fear she might become too dependent on me, if we increase our time together. I hear that sometimes patients have a hard time adjusting to making their own decisions if their therapists are too readily available. I am going to consult with Professor Devlin again. His opinions were very helpful the last time, even though I just adjusted the story so that he didn't know it was something that involved an actual patient of mine.
From the diary of Patricia Welsley -
I feel very despondent today! I took a sleeping pill for the first time in
almost a year and now I am suffering from the after effects of such an
unwise decision. But I just couldn't get to sleep last night!
What is bothering me? Well, for starters, Niles doesn't think that my need for him has increased. We talked briefly several times about taking our sessions up to twice a week, but he was very hesitant about doing this. I tried to explain to him that even though I have made great strides because of his kind and compassionate care, I still feel the necessity to have his wise counsel, more now than ever before! But he wouldn't budge on his decision to remain at one session a week.
What am I going to do without him! When I am with him I feel wanted and alive! I feel important! I can honestly say - without any shame - I think I am falling in love with him! There I said it!!
Now if I could only get him to see this! I would be a thousand times better for him than that controlling bitch of a wife he is saddled with. I would treat him with such respect and care and love!! He needs my love and affection! I know he would love me back, too. He has such sadness in those beautiful, dark blue eyes! When he sighs my heart aches for him. I swear the other day I saw what looked like the hidden remnants of a bruise near his eye. I know he had desperately tried to cover it up, but it was there nevertheless.
And to add insult to injury, as I was coming out of the washroom in his office, I happened to see his secretary handing him a once
lovely bouquet that he had obviously sent his wife to apologize for some
contrived *sin*. I say once lovely because it now came back to him in a
plastic bag and all the heads of the flowers had been cut off! The message
that his secretary reluctantly relayed was - "Here's what I think of your
feeble attempt to say you're sorry! Next time don't come in while I am
dressing, or it will be your head and not the flowers that I lop off!!" How
can he stand such indignities? He just wiped away a tear and muttered some feeble line about how she wasn't feeling herself lately and how he should have been more understanding. As he turned to go back into his office, he happened to look up and our eyes met for a brief moment. I started to say something, but he quickly retreated back into his inner sanctum with a posture of pure shame and humiliation. I left immediately and now here I sit, feeling his pain, but isolated from him because he won't let me in to comfort him! I think I need another one of those pills. Maybe then, when I finally get some rest I will be able to think more clearly.
From the diary of Dr. Niles Crane -
Oh God!!! What I am I going to do!! Everything seems to be falling apart at
once! Not only am I going through a particularly rough patch with Maris (she won't even look at me and only speaks to me through the servants), but also Dad was SHOT yesterday!! Some hooligan in a variety store hold up! The bullet went into his hip and shattered it completely. He is going to live, thank God, but the doctors say that he will have difficulty walking for probably the rest of his life! I went to see him in the emergency ward and he was his usual uncommunicative self. I tried to tell him how worried I was about him, that the job is too dangerous for him, but things didn't go so well. So that both of the people in my life that aren't talking to me. Well, at least Frasier isn't totally shutting me out. Not that I have talked to him much lately either. I haven't heard from him in a while - I think he must be on vacation. I left a message on his machine and lied to Dad and told him that I had got in contact with Frasier and he was flying out. Frasier better get in
touch soon or Dad will blame me and I just don't think I could take any more of his anger and bitterness towards me. I feel like I just can't handle things alone!
Not only that, as if all this wasn't enough, now I realize that Patricia has
developed deeper feelings for me. I should have known when she started to insist that we call each other by our first names! Professor Devlin explained to me that this is a classic case of transference. I had read about this in my textbooks back in school, but it is very different to actually live through such a thing! It doesn't happen suddenly. It kind of sneaks up on you and then there it is - a patient falls in love with you!
Perhaps I allowed it to happen and didn't recognize the signposts along the way because my personal life is in such disarray. If everything was smooth at home with Maris, if Dad wasn't so difficult to get along with all the time, if Frasier was here to help more, if... if Mom hadn't have died... well maybe then I would have caught on sooner and nipped this in the bud! But we don't get to stack the deck in our favour do we?
Maris informed me that I would have to handle this *thing* with my father by myself, so I guess I can't count on her support. She said being around Dad disturbs her inner harmony too much. He isn't very friendly with her when we have him over for brunch occasionally, so I think the feeling is mutual. I had better get moving on seeing if he can move to an apartment that has laundry facilities in the basement, so he doesn't have to make a special trip to a laundry mat when he needs clean clothes. I wonder if I should look into some kind of home care help for him. He is very independent and I expect he will object to being pampered in any way. The doctors said he should be out of the hospital in about a week. That doesn't give me much time to make all these arrangements. I really should try again and leave another message for Frasier. I know he will be furious with me if he doesn't get to see Dad before he leaves the hospital. I don't want Maris, Dad and Frasier angry at me!
I will have to cancel my appointments with some of my patients in order to get everything done in time. I must make sure that I absolutely don't cancel Patricia's though. Not after I found out that she nearly overdosed on sleeping pills the other night! All because I wouldn't let her see me twice a week!! Now I guess I will have to walk a delicate balance as to whether I allow her to see me more, or insist that our sessions remain at once a week. If I allow more, it might seem that I am caving into her emotional blackmail and letting her get her own way. If I don't allow her to increase our sessions, her health (and even her life!) could be in jeopardy!
What a tangled web I find myself in!! O.K. I'll try and calm down and breathe deeply.... First, I will visit Dad at St. Bart's and check in on his progress, then I will go over to Seattle Receiving Hospital and see Patricia and try to explain how things should be, from now on. I'll have to be firm with her, that's all. I will just dig deep and find the strength to be completely professional in my approach with her. I never should have let it go this far. I came clean and confessed the whole thing to Professor Devlin and he suggested that I talk to her husband and start including him in our therapy sessions. That seems like an excellent Idea and may be the solution to this very difficult and uncomfortable situation.
Oh my, I forgot about Maris - I'll send her some flowers apologizing for...
for ... I'm not sure what for, but I know that I am sure I have done
something wrong lately, so I will just make it a general apology and keep it
vague!
I better be on my way if I want to see Dad and Patricia (I mean, Mrs.
Welsley) both tonight!
From the diary of Patricia Welsley -
How could I have been so thoughtless! I have hurt the one person that has
always treated me with kindness and consideration! Dr. Crane never once
really encouraged me to think that he was anything more than a friend and a therapist to me. And to think, I exaggerated his concern and care for me,
in my own mind to the point that I almost killed myself, destroyed my
marriage and would have left a kind doctor in a state of residual guilt for
my selfish actions!
I realize now, after talking to one of the hospital doctors (and receiving the appropriate medication) that I am not really in love with Dr. Crane after all!
Charles came by and was so sweet to me! He wept openly and begged my forgiveness for his unfeeling behaviour towards me over these past few years. He genuinely seemed sorry for all the pain he has caused me since he became consumed with his job. I know it will take time for my hurt to subside, but I really do love him and want to save our marriage.
He promised to make more time for me and to do things together with me from now on. He showed me a letter that he was going to give his boss, telling him that he would have to permanently cut back his hours because his personal life was in grave danger and it was a wake up call to him to pay more attention to his home life. I am also glad that I got to see Dr. Crane tonight. We had a long talk. He explained to me that I really didn't love him either (just like Dr. Packer said). He said it was a thing called
"transference" and that it happens from time to time, with patients and
their psychiatrists.
The dear, sweet man even apologized for not recognizing the signs sooner and said that he had been going through a particularly difficult time in his own life and he let it interfere with his professional judgement. He told me he had apologized to Charles, as well, for not being as alert as he should have been, about the severity of my depression. I know he didn't tell Charles everything about my transference situation, but he said he did feel like he owed my husband some explanation of why I had ended up in the hospital. I assured him that I was viewing things a bit more clearer now and I realized that I was just desperate for someone to care about me and he seemed to fulfill that role. That's how Dr. Packer the hospital therapist explained it to me. Dr. Crane said it was only natural to want someone to love and show you affection and attention, and that he still wanted me to see him on a weekly basis, until I felt sure of my situation with my husband.
He suggested that maybe Charles should be included with our sessions just to make sure that he remained part of my healing process. Both Charles and I think that is a wonderful idea. I asked Charles if Dr. Crane and I could have a few moments alone together. After Charles had left I asked Dr. Crane if there was anything I could do as a friend to make things a little easier for him. Tears came to his eyes, as he thanked me and shook his head slowly to indicate - no.
"This are some things I have to deal with myself," he said with great
deliberation. "But I appreciate your kindness, even after everything I put
you through, even though I wasn't aware that I was the cause of your
anxiety."
I replied, "Is it alright if I hold your hand - just as a friend?"
"Of course," he said and reached out and grasped my hand gently.
It still was the same as before - warm, gentle, smooth and firm. And I can still smell the faint odour of lavender, even after he quietly left the
room.
From the diary of Dr. Niles Crane -
Well, today I had the great satisfaction of closing the casebook on one of
my patients - Mrs. Patricia Welsley!
And I can feel particularly proud of what I accomplished with her too! It
took another year, after the near disaster with her bout of transference,
but I feel confident that she is a stronger woman today because of our
sessions over the past several years. Her husband became an integral part
of her recovery and as a result her marriage is in a healthy state and they
seem very happy together. She will be moving soon to Los Angeles, where
they will be setting up their own small business. She actually has quite a
head for business. Nothing escapes her observant eyes and she is keen on details and organization.
I feel glad that she stuck with me, even after that terrible night when she went "over the brink" and overdosed on pills because she thought she was in love with me. I am eternally grateful that we worked our way through those difficulties and she was so receptive to the rational explanations that the other doctors and I offered her.
It is times like this that being a psychiatrist is so rewarding - to know that you made a genuine difference in a person's life. I would have felt forever saddened if things hadn't worked out for the best for Patricia.
I still shudder to think that, because of my own personal troubles, I overlooked a major problem that developed between one of my patients and myself. It could have been a disaster of gargantuan proportions. But we caught it in time, thank God, and I learned a valuable lesson from it. I have decided on a new strict rule - no first names - ever. From now on my patients will address me by Dr. Crane, only! And I will call them by their last name as well. That way I will keep a professional distance from them and nothing like this will ever happen again. And never again will my personal troubles interfere with my practice. I will strictly compartmentalize my home life from my working life. I will just have to learn to carefully mask any hurt feelings that I have about my difficulties with Maris. The problems that Maris and I have cannot interfere with my role as a therapist ever again!
Maris and I now sleep in separate rooms, but in a way it has eased the tension between us and we are much more outwardly civil towards each other now. I don't disrupt her "tranquility time" (that's what she calls her sleeping time) and now that we are apart at night, I can use my exercises and a variety of new air filters to help me breath better. I can actually fall asleep for several hours at a time now! Since we have started sleeping apart, I have the feeling that sometimes she almost misses me. That's real progress! And the intensity of her rare sexual encounters with me, more than makes up for lack of frequency. Maris has taught me so many things that someone can do with whip cream! But I must speak to her about that leather thing she ties me up with... it really does hurt sometimes.
When she treats me with such lavish attention I can't help but feel good about far I have come since those days when I was such a *social boor* (as Maris so *lovingly* teases me). Any day now I will feel confident enough to sit down and discuss some of our more serious problems. Just not right
now... but soon.
Dad seems to be settling into his new apartment and I make a point to visit him once a week (whether he wants to see me, or not!). I still worry about him, but he seems more content since he got a furry little companion in the form of a Jack Russell Terrier.
I just got a letter from Frasier the other day and it seems he is thinking about moving back to Seattle, since his divorce from Lilith. That is welcome news, for sure! I really have lost touch with him over the past few years. If he does move back to Seattle, I will have someone to *share* Dad with. I think though, I will tell Frasier about "Eddie" (that's the name of Dad's doggy friend) *after* he gets here. I don't want to spring all the *good news* on him all at once - he just might not be able to take so much happiness in one lump sum!
The End
Scene from "The Maris Counselor" (Season 5, Episode 13)
Niles: Maris is having an affair with Schenkman!
Frasier: [stunned] Schenkman! That contemptible bastard!
Niles: He was waiting at the house for her when I got there.
Frasier: I'm so sorry Niles. Is there anything I can do?
Niles: I don't see how, they're in love, they plan to get married.
Frasier: He told you that?
Niles: Hmm. She confirmed it. She walked in, when she'd stop shrieking we coaxed her down off the canopy.
Frasier: I'm just shocked, thing's seem to be going so well with the two of you.
Niles: That's what I thought. [thinks] You know, maybe Maris' feelings for Dr.Schenkman aren't real?! Maybe this is simply a case of transference.
Frasier: Well patients often do believe they've fallen in love with their analysts, it's very common, it's happened to everyone.
Niles: I know, it's happened to me!
Frasier: Oh, get out of town!
Niles: Several times. Well I think that's exactly what's going on here...
Many years earlier...
From the diary of Dr. Niles Crane -
I am so excited! I have another new patient today! My practice is starting
to take hold and thanks to Dr. Holgrem recommending me to some of his
patients, I feel confident that I will gain a reputation soon and become one
of Seattle's well-established psychiatrists. This is what I have worked so
hard for so many years. Mother would have been proud!
Frasier said it wouldn't be easy, but I really appreciate the fact that he
recommended that I set up my practice here in Seattle. That way I can still
be close to Dad, now that Mom has passed away. What I mean by close is of course relative! Since we have very little in common, besides our last name and well-developed calf muscles (I can't think of anything else!), I really mean that I can keep an "eye" on him, to make sure he is adjusting to being alone.
Oh, I've tried my best to connect with him, but he is so angry
about losing Mom. I guess we all are, in our lonely hearts. He just
seems to shut everyone and everything out that reminds him of her. Since
I am the only one of his two sons living on this side of the continent, that
makes me the lucky choice to receive the brunt of his frustrations.
Maris, my lovely new bride, says that I should just leave him alone and let
him wallow in his self-pity. "He'll come around eventually," were her exact
words, if I recall correctly. It sounds so harsh, but she probably is
right.
She is always so definite about things. So decisive. So in control. Not like me... I just can't bring myself to make an absolute decision sometimes. I always see the pitfalls and fears before I do anything and it sometimes makes me very hesitant in my behaviour. I must consider these traits sometime and analysis this further. But not right now!! I have a new patient to consider.
Her name is Mrs. Welsley. Mrs. Patricia Welsley. She is a native of
Chicago and recently transferred out to Seattle when her husband got a
promotion with IBM I looked over her case file sent to me by her G.P.
and it doesn't look like we are dealing with anything too severe. There are
notes on her reporting depression and a general feeling of malaise. He was
concerned because she had another bout of depression a few years back when she was in Chicago, just after she was married. A mild sedative was
prescribed and things seemed to get better. But, here it is back again.
Well, her appointment is at 4:00 p.m. tomorrow and I will do my best to help
her.
Oh, I hear Maris ringing her little bell! That is such a cute way to get
my attention! Her father's house is sooo large and I can't imagine her raising her voice to call out for me, seeing how thin and frail she is! I must remind her to eat a bit more tonight at dinner.
Well, I won't say it outright. She seems to get easily hurt if I mention things about her body weight. I'll just show her by my example that eating healthy is the right thing to do. Of course, last night that didn't work either! I must be more careful not to upset her - I don't want her running from the room and crying again! I can't even remember what I said now that was so insensitive, but she was so agitated that it must have been something! She is so delicate! Oh, there's the bell again! Got to go!!!!
From the diary of Patricia Welsley -
I am scheduled to see *another* doctor tomorrow at 4:00 p.m. !! Maybe this
Dr. Crane can help me. We will see. Charles is busy so it doesn't matter if the appointment runs a little long and of course it will take time to get back home.
This Dr. Crane has his office downtown and we live a fair distance out in the suburbs. There are some lovely estates out here! Almost as nice as back in Chicago. There is one that I particularly like... the one with the large wrought iron gates and those grotesque gargoyles out front. I wonder who lives there? Well maybe I will get to know my neighbors soon. Or not... I don't feel very sociable lately.
Oh dear, it is past 12:00 midnight and Charles is not home yet. He works so hard. I should be grateful, but lately I just feel lonely. I guess I will take a sleeping pill and go to bed. I'll need some rest, if I am going to get up and make that appointment tomorrow.
Life seems like such a struggle lately.... even just getting out of bed is such a chore.
From the diary of Dr. Niles Crane -
Well, my first appointment with Mrs. Welsley went all right, I think. She
seems to be a nice enough lady, calm, soft-spoken, cultured and accepting of my general questions. I didn't press anything really, I just wanted to get
to know her, in a professional sense, of course. She did seem tired and
distracted a bit. I will have to make a note to ask her in the future
about her sleeping habits. After all, the appointment was at 4:00 p.m.
Perhaps that is too late in the day - she may be a very busy woman. Like
my Maris! She is very busy! Oh, she doesn't have a paying job or profession. Maris' family is much too rich and influential for *that, but she is very involved in all sorts of Seattle social circles. That is quite enough for my tiny, tender pumpkin! What with the Wine Club, her Book Club, the Woman's Musical Society, the Seattle Theatrical Patrons... just to name a few! She is always doing something!
Maybe Mrs. Welsley knows Maris socially. Oh dear, I will
have to be careful. I'll talk to Maris about this. Well, on second
thought, I will just leave her a note. That way if what I say upsets
her, she will have time to calm down before she sees me again. I don't want a repeat of what happened at the breakfast table this morning! I can't for the life of me fathom what I said that disturbed her so much that she would throw that cup! I guess I can be such a "cad", as she reminds me sometimes.
Maris says it is the influence of having a "commonly-behaved father". She says he set a bad example for me when I was in my formative years, so it isn't really my fault. I wish she wouldn't say things like that! I am beginning to think that she doesn't like my family. I know Dad can be a pain in the "derriere" sometimes, but he means well.
As Frasier reminded me the other night, when I was talking to him on the phone, Dad worked very hard to make sure we always had the best of everything - even when he couldn't relate to our wants and desires in any way. Maybe Maris will see this for herself some day, I hope. Yes, I will have to talk to her about this some day... when the time is right and she is in a better mood... and I feel more confident.
Getting back to Mrs. Welsley... I feel that it may take some time but she is
a co-operative and willing patient who seems to be familiar with what is
expected of a person who is receiving therapy. I wish she would open up a
bit more and trust me, but that will come with time and good communication
between the two of us. I have scheduled her for one session every week for
the new few months. I think that is the wisest course of action.
From the diary of Patricia Welsley -
I had my first session with Dr. Crane. It went well, I think. He seems
professional enough, although he is awfully young. His office was
inviting enough and we sat in large leather chairs, just chatting - instead
of me on the couch, like I did at my last psychiatrist.
He was very neatly dressed in a dark, double-breasted suit with a colourful, yet tasteful tie to accessorize with it. He is very pale looking, with straight, sandy blond hair and dark, cobalt blue eyes. His face is very thin and he has a cleft chin, with a very angular jaw. His fingers are long and thin and in constant motion. He uses them a lot when talking, fidgets with his pencil and taps the arm of the chair constantly, when not writing things down in his notepad.
I know my description of him seems rather excessive and overly detailed, but I pride myself in being observant and there is something about Dr. Crane that attracts one's full attention.
His manner is quiet and calm. He pauses between his words often,
indicating to me that he is thoughtful and measured in his responses.
I like that about him. He looks directly at me when I am talking to him
and nods reassuringly, as I respond to his queries.
Even though the session lasted a full hour, he didn't bring up the topic of my depression once. He said that this appointment was primarily meant for us to get aquatinted with each other, so that we would feel more comfortable in the therapy sessions after that. That is another thing I liked about him. He didn't seem in a rush - he took his time and this made me feel important. I am looking forward to seeing him next week. I have a feeling this man can help me through my emotional storm.
From the diary of Dr. Niles Crane -
I think I am gaining the trust of Mrs. Welsley. It has been a couple of
weeks now and she seemed to open up a bit more to me today in our session. I asked her about how she is sleeping and she told me that she is taking the occasional pill to get her to relax and fall asleep. I worry about
this. Women like this tend to underestimate the amount of medication that they are using. At least, I find that they aren't as forthright as they could be when talking about it with others.
I am not sure, but Maris seems to take a lot of pills, as well, and I find this
disturbing. I found quite a lot of bottles in the bathroom off of our bedroom and when I inquired about what they were for, she became very defensive. Obviously she is getting some doctor to prescribe them, but she refused to tell me what they were for and immediately cleared them out, before I could get a closer look at them and locked them in the bedside cabinet where she keeps her jewelry.
For the next few hours she adamantly reminded me that just because we were married it didn't mean that I had a right to pry into her private affairs and that I should be more sensitive to her needs and stop harassing her.
She is probably right. I just am concerned for her health, but obviously I have to approach it in a more delicate way. I have so much to learn about being married!
I wish I could talk to Dad about this, but he really doesn't seem receptive when I mention Maris' name. If Mom were here, she would just tell him to be more tolerant and then she would sit down and listen to me. I miss her!
And I miss Frasier! I tried to call him the other day, but all I got was his answering machine, again! He must be out at that bar he told me he frequents. If I could remember the name of it, I might even consider calling him there, but then, I suppose that wouldn't really be appropriate.
Anyway getting back to Mrs. Welsley... I will mention to her to try some
deep breathing exercises that I have begun using that seem highly effective. I can relate to her problem about getting to sleep. It is very difficult for me to relax and drift off sometimes. There are so many things that just keep popping up that have to be taken care of... Maris has taken to leaving me a list of things that I have to get for her, each night on my side of the bed. It is kind of like her version of a *love note*, I guess. I must talk to her though, about her sarcastic little comments that she has begun to add to the list. Things like "if you clear your brain long enough to consider me... ", or "think hard, really HARD and you will remember that I told you this yesterday... ". I know she gets frustrated with my mistakes, and I have a great deal of improving to do before I make a good husband, but comments like that tend to hurt my feelings. Yes, I will talk to her about this...some day soon.
From the diary of Patricia Welsley -
I had a *very* interesting session with Dr. Crane today!!
First I tried the breathing exercises that Dr. Crane recommended and they
seem to be working! I feel better now that I don't have to use sleeping pills to get some rest. Charles is still very busy and we have spent very little time together lately as a couple, but I now find that with a good night sleep
I have more energy during the daylight hours. I parked the car in a lot
several blocks from Dr. Crane's office today and walked the distance without any problem. It was so nice of him to care enough about me to mention those exercises to me.
We are making a lot of progress in our sessions and I am beginning to definitely feel more confidant about my life. A big part of this is that I feel he is really someone who I can talk to. I feel a bond developing between us.
This is the reason I feel that I can talk to him about my very private feelings.
I told him about the problems that Charles and I had when we first got married. The look on his face, as I explained how I felt, was so sympathetic. I felt that he really understood what I was going through! He just sighed and didn't say a thing for a while. Then he asked me if we (meaning Charles and I) talked about this in an honest manner. I told him no, but it was about that time that Charles told me I should see a doctor about my depression.
Dr. Crane looked directly at me and said, "Well, at least that showed he did care about you." And then he looked at the floor sadly. Here's where it got *interesting*. I felt he was in some sort of quandary himself, so I reached
out and took his hand. I know that sounds shocking and I probably over
stepped the bounds of a patient / doctor relationship, but it did seem like the appropriate thing to do, at the time. Funny thing is, although he looked up somewhat startled, he didn't withdraw his hand! He rubbed my fingers
for a brief moment and then he patted my hand and placed it gently back in
my lap.
There was nothing suggestive or shameful about what he (or I) did - it just
seemed so tender and caring for a brief moment. After that he seemed to regain his composure (and I did likewise, I must say) and we ended the session on a cordial note.
Can I make a confession, diary? I still can feel Dr. Niles Crane's touch on my hand, even now. It was warm and gentle, smooth and firm. I swear I can still smell a faint odour of lavender - it must come from the type of soap he uses. Just like I thought it would be. That's all... nothing more.
From the diary of Dr. Niles Crane -
I feel very excited about a breakthrough I had with Patricia Welsley today!
She looked and acted with so much more energy, when she came through the door that I knew we were going to have a great session! We covered a lot of territory and I think I am getting to understand the root of her unhappiness. She lacks confidence and feels she is insignificant in her husband's busy life. She seems to be a very sensitive woman and needs approval (but then who of us really doesn't?) from the people she loves.
We talked about her problems with her husband when they were first married. I told her it is important for couples, especially when they are just starting out to keep the lines of communication open and discuss things as they come up, so they don't fester and grow into larger problems down the line.
Easier said than done, sometimes. I wish Maris and I talked more. The trouble is Maris doesn't seem to want to talk to me when we are alone. She says it gives her a *headache*. I guess it really is a case of "physician heal thyself"!
Anyway, Mrs. Welsley actually reached out and held my hand during
today's session! I took this as a sign that she trusts me enough to make physical contact and that is real progress! I think she just needed the touch of another human being's hand, so I didn't draw back. I don't think
either one of us felt that it was anything more. We were talking about
caring for your mate and showing concern and the next thing I knew she had reached out and clasped her hand in mine. I have to admit that
at first I was a little surprised. And I have to admit I actually liked it.
Not that I was aroused or anything so vulgar as that! It is just that, well... I like the feel of another's hand in mine and Maris and I rarely do this type of thing anymore. Maris says she feels self-conscious about her slight webbing in between her fingers and doesn't like it when attention is drawn to it. I tried to reassure her that I never even noticed this miniscule imperfection and wouldn't dream of ever making her feel uncomfortable about such a thing, but nothing I said abated this insecurity about her fingers. As a result, we just don't hold hands (or have any such spontaneous displays of physical affection) any longer. I miss this.
I think that even the most casual and non-sexual contact with other people is an enjoyable part of life and a necessity for a happy existence. Besides her hand felt nice! We didn't carry it on and I made sure that I ended the session in a very professional manner. Still, just to be on the safe side of my ethics, maybe I should run this by Professor Devlin to see what he thinks of it. Of course I won't use our names...I'll just say I was reading about it in a book and wanted to know what he thought of it.
There, I feel better already about this little matter! Now if the problems
that Maris and I were having were just as easy to solve...
From the diary of Patricia Welsley -
It has been ten months since I began seeing "Dr. Niles". Today we had a
little celebration of sorts. He insisted that it was all right that I call him "Niles" and not the more formal "Dr. Crane". I like that immensely.
I didn't mean to call him by his first name, but it just slipped out when we were talking about what my plans were for the holiday weekend. At first I thought he would object, but after a moment's pause (when I mumbled an abject apology), he shrugged and said, "No, no don't feel bad at all. I think we can safely say that we have known each other long enough to call each other by our Christian names... P... Patricia. There is that better? Does that make you feel more comfortable?"
I have to admit I do like saying his name. It rolls off my tongue easier
than even "Charles". Interesting. I calculated up the number of hours that
I have actually talked with Charles in the last six months (that is, of
course, REALLY talked to each other) and pitted against the number of hours that Niles and I have spent discussing things, and the good doctor won out by a wide margin!!
Although I don't know too much about his private life, I've begun to have my suspicions that he isn't entirely happy with his home life. I overheard (totally by mistake - not by design!) a conversation one day that he had with, what I assume was, his wife and all I can say is - poor dear!! Even just this brief glimpse into his domestic milieu was enough to make it crystalline that he is in a state of total wretchedness. He became more and more agitated as he tried to speak to the woman on the other end of the line. I can honestly say he was almost in a state of tears, hyperventilating and desperately trying to smooth over some difficult situation that he had found himself in. No amount of groveling or apology on his part would suffice, however. In the end he slumped on the edge of his secretary's desk and just folded up, like a kicked and defeated puppy, nodding his head in agreement for all his wrongdoings.
I nearly cried for him when, at the end of the conversation, in a last minute attempt to stave off complete despondency, he rushed out the words "Remember Maris, I really do *love* you!!" in a pitiful display of raw melancholy. You didn't need a psychic's insight to realize that, as he said those words, the recipient of his affections had hung up on him, leaving his feelings exposed for all of the world to see how easily discarded they were by her.
I decided right then, that I would never mistreat him that way and resolved to myself that I would work up the courage to make sure he knew that I respected him as a person. I think this is partly why I called him by his first name. Rather than being a sign of disrespect, I think it showed him that I thought more of him as a person and acknowledged that his feelings counted too (something obviously his wife didn't do). It seems fair - he does the same for me every time we meet in therapy. He is a genuinely sensitive person and needs to be treated with care. I know he feels the same about me.
As a side note, I remember now that he told me that he is going to the quilt show this weekend ("Alone," he said, when I asked him. "My wife says the materials that they make the quilts out of make her allergies act up."). I wonder if I should drop in, by chance, to see some lovely antique quilts this
Saturday?
From the diary of Dr. Niles Crane -
A pleasant surprise happened this weekend - just by pure luck, I came upon Patricia (that is Mrs. Welsley) at the quilt show and we had a brief but
lovely chat. I assured her, when she asked, that it wouldn't be improper for us to have a cup of tea together and it ended up that we had a very friendly conversation for about twenty minutes. I was glad to see her pursuing her own interests.
I think it is important for her confidence that she find a level of happiness that doesn't always include her husband. That is how I manage to enjoy life when Maris is in one of her "moods". I wish I could share more things with her but ... it just isn't meant to be.
At any rate, I think it is all right that I refer to Mrs. Welsley as Patricia. She seems to need this level of familiarity in our sessions. Since I have allowed her to call me Niles, she has really relaxed and now seems to have much more courage to face the fears and demons that plague her. She actually told me that she stood up to her husband the other night when he came home and she told him that she wants him to treat her with more understanding! I wish I had half her fortitude!
I fear that Maris must be a more formable force than Patricia's husband, though. My God, can that tiny woman display such a fury sometimes!!! Lucky I can still move as quick as I can, or the other night I would have received quite a blow from that vase she threw at me! I still don't know how she managed to push me out the front door into that snow bank, but it was fortunate that I had my tweed jacket on already. If I hadn't have had it on, I would have froze nearly to death, since it was a good couple of hours before she listened to my pleas and allowed Marta to unlock the door! Next time I will make sure that I always carry a spare set of house keys in every jacket pocket, just to avoid such a disaster in the future! Burrrr! I swear my feet are still tingling!
Patricia has asked me to increase our therapy sessions to twice a week, but I am not sure this is needed. She seems to be making excellent progress and I fear she might become too dependent on me, if we increase our time together. I hear that sometimes patients have a hard time adjusting to making their own decisions if their therapists are too readily available. I am going to consult with Professor Devlin again. His opinions were very helpful the last time, even though I just adjusted the story so that he didn't know it was something that involved an actual patient of mine.
From the diary of Patricia Welsley -
I feel very despondent today! I took a sleeping pill for the first time in
almost a year and now I am suffering from the after effects of such an
unwise decision. But I just couldn't get to sleep last night!
What is bothering me? Well, for starters, Niles doesn't think that my need for him has increased. We talked briefly several times about taking our sessions up to twice a week, but he was very hesitant about doing this. I tried to explain to him that even though I have made great strides because of his kind and compassionate care, I still feel the necessity to have his wise counsel, more now than ever before! But he wouldn't budge on his decision to remain at one session a week.
What am I going to do without him! When I am with him I feel wanted and alive! I feel important! I can honestly say - without any shame - I think I am falling in love with him! There I said it!!
Now if I could only get him to see this! I would be a thousand times better for him than that controlling bitch of a wife he is saddled with. I would treat him with such respect and care and love!! He needs my love and affection! I know he would love me back, too. He has such sadness in those beautiful, dark blue eyes! When he sighs my heart aches for him. I swear the other day I saw what looked like the hidden remnants of a bruise near his eye. I know he had desperately tried to cover it up, but it was there nevertheless.
And to add insult to injury, as I was coming out of the washroom in his office, I happened to see his secretary handing him a once
lovely bouquet that he had obviously sent his wife to apologize for some
contrived *sin*. I say once lovely because it now came back to him in a
plastic bag and all the heads of the flowers had been cut off! The message
that his secretary reluctantly relayed was - "Here's what I think of your
feeble attempt to say you're sorry! Next time don't come in while I am
dressing, or it will be your head and not the flowers that I lop off!!" How
can he stand such indignities? He just wiped away a tear and muttered some feeble line about how she wasn't feeling herself lately and how he should have been more understanding. As he turned to go back into his office, he happened to look up and our eyes met for a brief moment. I started to say something, but he quickly retreated back into his inner sanctum with a posture of pure shame and humiliation. I left immediately and now here I sit, feeling his pain, but isolated from him because he won't let me in to comfort him! I think I need another one of those pills. Maybe then, when I finally get some rest I will be able to think more clearly.
From the diary of Dr. Niles Crane -
Oh God!!! What I am I going to do!! Everything seems to be falling apart at
once! Not only am I going through a particularly rough patch with Maris (she won't even look at me and only speaks to me through the servants), but also Dad was SHOT yesterday!! Some hooligan in a variety store hold up! The bullet went into his hip and shattered it completely. He is going to live, thank God, but the doctors say that he will have difficulty walking for probably the rest of his life! I went to see him in the emergency ward and he was his usual uncommunicative self. I tried to tell him how worried I was about him, that the job is too dangerous for him, but things didn't go so well. So that both of the people in my life that aren't talking to me. Well, at least Frasier isn't totally shutting me out. Not that I have talked to him much lately either. I haven't heard from him in a while - I think he must be on vacation. I left a message on his machine and lied to Dad and told him that I had got in contact with Frasier and he was flying out. Frasier better get in
touch soon or Dad will blame me and I just don't think I could take any more of his anger and bitterness towards me. I feel like I just can't handle things alone!
Not only that, as if all this wasn't enough, now I realize that Patricia has
developed deeper feelings for me. I should have known when she started to insist that we call each other by our first names! Professor Devlin explained to me that this is a classic case of transference. I had read about this in my textbooks back in school, but it is very different to actually live through such a thing! It doesn't happen suddenly. It kind of sneaks up on you and then there it is - a patient falls in love with you!
Perhaps I allowed it to happen and didn't recognize the signposts along the way because my personal life is in such disarray. If everything was smooth at home with Maris, if Dad wasn't so difficult to get along with all the time, if Frasier was here to help more, if... if Mom hadn't have died... well maybe then I would have caught on sooner and nipped this in the bud! But we don't get to stack the deck in our favour do we?
Maris informed me that I would have to handle this *thing* with my father by myself, so I guess I can't count on her support. She said being around Dad disturbs her inner harmony too much. He isn't very friendly with her when we have him over for brunch occasionally, so I think the feeling is mutual. I had better get moving on seeing if he can move to an apartment that has laundry facilities in the basement, so he doesn't have to make a special trip to a laundry mat when he needs clean clothes. I wonder if I should look into some kind of home care help for him. He is very independent and I expect he will object to being pampered in any way. The doctors said he should be out of the hospital in about a week. That doesn't give me much time to make all these arrangements. I really should try again and leave another message for Frasier. I know he will be furious with me if he doesn't get to see Dad before he leaves the hospital. I don't want Maris, Dad and Frasier angry at me!
I will have to cancel my appointments with some of my patients in order to get everything done in time. I must make sure that I absolutely don't cancel Patricia's though. Not after I found out that she nearly overdosed on sleeping pills the other night! All because I wouldn't let her see me twice a week!! Now I guess I will have to walk a delicate balance as to whether I allow her to see me more, or insist that our sessions remain at once a week. If I allow more, it might seem that I am caving into her emotional blackmail and letting her get her own way. If I don't allow her to increase our sessions, her health (and even her life!) could be in jeopardy!
What a tangled web I find myself in!! O.K. I'll try and calm down and breathe deeply.... First, I will visit Dad at St. Bart's and check in on his progress, then I will go over to Seattle Receiving Hospital and see Patricia and try to explain how things should be, from now on. I'll have to be firm with her, that's all. I will just dig deep and find the strength to be completely professional in my approach with her. I never should have let it go this far. I came clean and confessed the whole thing to Professor Devlin and he suggested that I talk to her husband and start including him in our therapy sessions. That seems like an excellent Idea and may be the solution to this very difficult and uncomfortable situation.
Oh my, I forgot about Maris - I'll send her some flowers apologizing for...
for ... I'm not sure what for, but I know that I am sure I have done
something wrong lately, so I will just make it a general apology and keep it
vague!
I better be on my way if I want to see Dad and Patricia (I mean, Mrs.
Welsley) both tonight!
From the diary of Patricia Welsley -
How could I have been so thoughtless! I have hurt the one person that has
always treated me with kindness and consideration! Dr. Crane never once
really encouraged me to think that he was anything more than a friend and a therapist to me. And to think, I exaggerated his concern and care for me,
in my own mind to the point that I almost killed myself, destroyed my
marriage and would have left a kind doctor in a state of residual guilt for
my selfish actions!
I realize now, after talking to one of the hospital doctors (and receiving the appropriate medication) that I am not really in love with Dr. Crane after all!
Charles came by and was so sweet to me! He wept openly and begged my forgiveness for his unfeeling behaviour towards me over these past few years. He genuinely seemed sorry for all the pain he has caused me since he became consumed with his job. I know it will take time for my hurt to subside, but I really do love him and want to save our marriage.
He promised to make more time for me and to do things together with me from now on. He showed me a letter that he was going to give his boss, telling him that he would have to permanently cut back his hours because his personal life was in grave danger and it was a wake up call to him to pay more attention to his home life. I am also glad that I got to see Dr. Crane tonight. We had a long talk. He explained to me that I really didn't love him either (just like Dr. Packer said). He said it was a thing called
"transference" and that it happens from time to time, with patients and
their psychiatrists.
The dear, sweet man even apologized for not recognizing the signs sooner and said that he had been going through a particularly difficult time in his own life and he let it interfere with his professional judgement. He told me he had apologized to Charles, as well, for not being as alert as he should have been, about the severity of my depression. I know he didn't tell Charles everything about my transference situation, but he said he did feel like he owed my husband some explanation of why I had ended up in the hospital. I assured him that I was viewing things a bit more clearer now and I realized that I was just desperate for someone to care about me and he seemed to fulfill that role. That's how Dr. Packer the hospital therapist explained it to me. Dr. Crane said it was only natural to want someone to love and show you affection and attention, and that he still wanted me to see him on a weekly basis, until I felt sure of my situation with my husband.
He suggested that maybe Charles should be included with our sessions just to make sure that he remained part of my healing process. Both Charles and I think that is a wonderful idea. I asked Charles if Dr. Crane and I could have a few moments alone together. After Charles had left I asked Dr. Crane if there was anything I could do as a friend to make things a little easier for him. Tears came to his eyes, as he thanked me and shook his head slowly to indicate - no.
"This are some things I have to deal with myself," he said with great
deliberation. "But I appreciate your kindness, even after everything I put
you through, even though I wasn't aware that I was the cause of your
anxiety."
I replied, "Is it alright if I hold your hand - just as a friend?"
"Of course," he said and reached out and grasped my hand gently.
It still was the same as before - warm, gentle, smooth and firm. And I can still smell the faint odour of lavender, even after he quietly left the
room.
From the diary of Dr. Niles Crane -
Well, today I had the great satisfaction of closing the casebook on one of
my patients - Mrs. Patricia Welsley!
And I can feel particularly proud of what I accomplished with her too! It
took another year, after the near disaster with her bout of transference,
but I feel confident that she is a stronger woman today because of our
sessions over the past several years. Her husband became an integral part
of her recovery and as a result her marriage is in a healthy state and they
seem very happy together. She will be moving soon to Los Angeles, where
they will be setting up their own small business. She actually has quite a
head for business. Nothing escapes her observant eyes and she is keen on details and organization.
I feel glad that she stuck with me, even after that terrible night when she went "over the brink" and overdosed on pills because she thought she was in love with me. I am eternally grateful that we worked our way through those difficulties and she was so receptive to the rational explanations that the other doctors and I offered her.
It is times like this that being a psychiatrist is so rewarding - to know that you made a genuine difference in a person's life. I would have felt forever saddened if things hadn't worked out for the best for Patricia.
I still shudder to think that, because of my own personal troubles, I overlooked a major problem that developed between one of my patients and myself. It could have been a disaster of gargantuan proportions. But we caught it in time, thank God, and I learned a valuable lesson from it. I have decided on a new strict rule - no first names - ever. From now on my patients will address me by Dr. Crane, only! And I will call them by their last name as well. That way I will keep a professional distance from them and nothing like this will ever happen again. And never again will my personal troubles interfere with my practice. I will strictly compartmentalize my home life from my working life. I will just have to learn to carefully mask any hurt feelings that I have about my difficulties with Maris. The problems that Maris and I have cannot interfere with my role as a therapist ever again!
Maris and I now sleep in separate rooms, but in a way it has eased the tension between us and we are much more outwardly civil towards each other now. I don't disrupt her "tranquility time" (that's what she calls her sleeping time) and now that we are apart at night, I can use my exercises and a variety of new air filters to help me breath better. I can actually fall asleep for several hours at a time now! Since we have started sleeping apart, I have the feeling that sometimes she almost misses me. That's real progress! And the intensity of her rare sexual encounters with me, more than makes up for lack of frequency. Maris has taught me so many things that someone can do with whip cream! But I must speak to her about that leather thing she ties me up with... it really does hurt sometimes.
When she treats me with such lavish attention I can't help but feel good about far I have come since those days when I was such a *social boor* (as Maris so *lovingly* teases me). Any day now I will feel confident enough to sit down and discuss some of our more serious problems. Just not right
now... but soon.
Dad seems to be settling into his new apartment and I make a point to visit him once a week (whether he wants to see me, or not!). I still worry about him, but he seems more content since he got a furry little companion in the form of a Jack Russell Terrier.
I just got a letter from Frasier the other day and it seems he is thinking about moving back to Seattle, since his divorce from Lilith. That is welcome news, for sure! I really have lost touch with him over the past few years. If he does move back to Seattle, I will have someone to *share* Dad with. I think though, I will tell Frasier about "Eddie" (that's the name of Dad's doggy friend) *after* he gets here. I don't want to spring all the *good news* on him all at once - he just might not be able to take so much happiness in one lump sum!
The End