SECRETS
Author note: All SVU characters belong to Dick Wolf, not me. If they belonged to me, I'd be a lot nicer to them. Somewhat AU in the sense that Cassidy and Benson have broken up, Olivia doesn't have Noah yet and Murphy isn't part of the unit. Amanda and Nick have, well, done whatever they did. I prefer not to think about it.
Chapter One: The "morning" after
It was a dark and miserable night. Not stormy. Just miserable. Not only was it pitch black, there was that disgusting chilly fog rising from the streets. And for a change New York City was very quiet. The few people out that late were disconcerted. Later, they would tell their friends that it felt "freaky", "creepy", and just goddamn weird. And too quiet.
Usually New York was always noisy. Called the "city that never sleeps" often it was so loud that you couldn't hear your own thoughts. But tonight it was quiet and still, like the calm before the storm. The only thing that was missing was the pea-soup green skies. But the hush was there.
The hush before a very large storm.
And the storm was coming.
Very, very soon.
And the whole of NYC would be reeling. Or at least the whole of a certain precinct.
Olivia Benson yawned and rolled out of bed. God, she hated getting out of bed in the morning. Fifteen years in the Special Victims' Unit and shaking off the tempting seduction of morning sleep was still a big pain in the ass. Must get coffee, she thought. Lots of coffee. Dark, dark, dark...like the beckoning arms of sleep. Nope. Must get out of bed.
Waking up in the morning without having Brian's arms around her... a sharp pain jabbed her through the heart, almost knocking her over. She gripped the edge of the counter. No weakness. It's just life – break-ups happen. Things happen; things change.
Nothing changes. Except what has to.
She staggered over to the coffee pot and prepared her favorite blend. While she waited for the coffee to finish, she rubbed her temples and sighed. She loved Cassidy; she really did. But something hadn't felt quite right in some time. They had been there for each other at the lowest times in their lives. Maybe that's all it was.
Maybe love was too much for her to hope for.
Too much for her to ever attain.
Maybe she was doomed to be alone for the rest of her life.
Her heart ached – she missed him. He had helped heal the part of heart that had atrophied when Stabler (she couldn't bring herself to calm him Elliott) left without a word. A part of her heart that had been surrounded by a wall nine feet high and a bazillion feet thick. The wall had come down when Cassidy had entered her life.
And now he was gone. Like everyone else in her life.
Munch.
Cragen.
She stared at her mug, her heart aching.
Maybe she was damaged goods. Maybe he couldn't deal.
Stop it, Olivia, she chided herself, you know that's bullshit. Brian, of all people, could deal. Life just got in the way and, sometimes, just sometimes, things simply don't work out. Sometimes people are placed in each other's lives for a season, and that season is all it ever is.
And what has Lindstrom told you, what have you told SO many victims? YOU are NOT damaged goods.
Nothing changes. Except what has to.
Liv could feel the beads of sweat forming on her head but squashed the budding anxiety welling up in her throat. Lewis is gone, she told herself, he's not coming back. And you don't need Cragen, Munch, or Cassidy to handle yourself. You have to remember that or you won't be able to function.
You can save yourself. You did it before.
She straightened up and poured herself up a cup of coffee and took a large gulp. Goddammit, she swore as the black liquid burned her tongue and her throat. This is DEFINITELY a Monday.
After quickly consuming her coffee, she jumped into the shower. She quickly and thoroughly cleaned herself, concentrating on areas where Lewis had once focused his attention. As his face flashed into her mind, she forced herself to concentrate on scrubbing herself, trying to avoid scrubbing herself raw.
As she had for days, for weeks, after Lewis had touched her.
About an hour later, she walked into the 16th. And immediately noticed Amanda and Nick talking quietly to themselves.
She raised an eyebrow.
Those two had been 'funny' for the last couple of days. Oh, they probably didn't think they were being 'funny' – but she knew better. Fifteen years with the squad – she was no babe in the woods and definitely not wet behind the ears. There was definitely something up with those two – she just wasn't sure what it was.
"Morning, Rollins, Amaro," she greeted.
"Oh, hi there, Liv," Amanda smiled, a little self-consciously, putting her hair behind her ear. Olivia raised an eyebrow and Rollins flushed faintly. Rollins can't hide much, Liv thought, with amusement. I wonder what's going on there.
Nick coughed awkwardly. Liv looked at him and noticed a faint red flush on his neck. That man really can't hide much either, she thought fondly, he wears his emotions on his sleeve. There is definitely something going on.
She frowned and then looked at Amanda and then at Nick.
"Is there something I should know about?" She asked.
"Nothing, nope." Rollins stuttered a little.
Amaro said nothing, fiercely focusing on his computer screen as if it held the answers to the universe. And maybe it did – so many times they'd cut a break through information they found online. Munch used to sardonically call it creepy magic.
That man had such a paranoia about technology. And about everything else.
"Okay then," Liv wasn't convinced but let it drop. "Let's get going, shall we?" She gave both of them a thorough look and then turned and walked away.
She missed the quick glance that Nick and Amanda gave each other.
But Odafin Tutuola, who had glanced up casually a few moments before, didn't.
He frowned thoughtfully – especially when he caught Nick glancing at Amanda quickly when she was walking away from him. And thought about that one day back when Liv had quickly bit off: You two need to get a room.
At the time, Fin thought Liv had simply been snarky and tired but now he wasn't so sure. Had she seen something he hadn't?
I hope what I'm seeing is not what I think I'm seeing...
"I'm telling you she knows," Nick said heatedly to Amanda, as they took a quick break in the cribs.
"So what?" Rollins responded, "If it's not affectin' our job, it's really not any of her business."
"I'm just," Nick rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, "this could blow up in our faces."
"I didn't notice you worryin' about that the other night." Rollins smirked.
Nick flushed. "Workplace romances..." he started to say.
"Amaro," Amanda said, "shut up." And kissed him on the mouth.
And, being a fairly typical hotblooded heterosexual male with an astoundingly poor sense of judgment, Nick shut up.