Hi there! Another Attack on Titan fic! This was suppossed to be a LeviHan that I wrote as a gift for a friend but I think it is more a Levi-centric. Better you read and decide. I hope you enjoy it!
Disclaimer: Attack on Titan belongs to Hajime Isayama, not me.
She stood unmoving at the other side of the door, waiting. The coffee cup burned her hands. Hanji Zoe was not a woman who asked for permission and everybody was used to it but that moment was so delicate she considered thinking before acting.
A firm voice made her react and she jumped like somebody poked her. The coffee was about to overflow from the cup and splash her clothes but fortunately that didn't happen.
"Are you entering or are you staying all night in front of the door?"
That was Captain Levi's voice since the adjacent room was his. Hanji hurried up to follow the implicit suggestion. She didn't need to ask herself how he knew she was there. Nothing escaped him. He was not the humanity's best soldier only for his fighting abilities.
She closed the door and approached the bed that was in a corner of the room. it was a medium-sized, modest room. The only furniture in the room, besides the bed, consisted of a small bedside table, a chest of drawers and a desk with a chair There was a rumor among the soldiers that assured the captain and the commander had access to some privileges because of their rank but analyzing that room it made clear that at least in Levi's case it was not true. The only luxury he had was a private bathroom – he demanded it and he didn't cease in his effort until he got Erwin to convince their superiors.
Hanji put the cup, which was still warm, on the night table. He didn't even look at her. He was sitting on the bed resting his back on the wall; his head was turned to the direction of the one window of the room and he had his legs crossed. He was still wearing the clothes he had worn during the last expedition. It was something strange coming from him because he was so meticulous, almost obsessive, with his personal cleanliness. The fact he didn't change his clothes could be only a detail but it meant a lot and Hanji didn't miss it.
"I think it will be good for you" she said in order to break the tense environment.
"If you think a fucking coffee will make me feel better you are more stupid than I thought."
His words showed scorn, but even then Hanji wasn't perturbed. She had gotten used to Levi's mood every day and she had known him for years. As the soldiers talked about him behind his back, she knew what they said about herself. It was said that she was crazy, that she was as dumb as post, that she liked titans so much and that she ended inside the mouth of one of them. She never cared about rumors, although she was a little eccentric person. She did her work with passion and she considered it a service for humanity. Apart from this it was her way to make their days happy in the station, to make everybody smile, even though it was through a childish and absurd attitude. Deep down, Hanji knew what she did very well. Therefore she left that side apart to show her empathic side.
"You blame yourself." It was not a question but a statement.
"They are all dead, Hanji." It was the only answer.
Yes, all of them were dead: Auro, Gunther, Erd and Petra. Her elite squad, formed after so much effort, experienced in so many battles. They were the best. And that whore had erased them of the existence at a stroke after so many years together and so many victories as if they never existed. He was the best too. Would he die in a second like them, without any possibilities to defend himself and fighting against an enemy that was impossible to defeat? Or even worse, would he keep alive just to see all his men dying one after another? Long ago, Levi had learnt to pushed any bond or attachment to his kin out. That was normal, as they died and left a void he had to fill again – and it sucked, so he stopped doing it. Despite that, he couldn't avoid feeling bitter for the loss of those four soldiers. It bothered him too much because he insisted on not being surpassed by those emotions.
The coffee had been forgotten on the night table when Hanji sat on the bed besides the Captain without asking for permission. He just turned his head to giving her a poisonous glance without making a comment. They had been together for so long that just the thought of it made Levi feel irritated. The ranks blurred when they were alone and she tended to take some liberties whenever she wanted. At least he had to concede that she knew where the limits were and she respected them. One of that ties he hated so much had been established with her by virtue of habit although it was an annoyance. Erwin and Hanji were the only ones with that privilege and his now gone squad had also enjoyed it.
"It was not in vain. Now that we have Eren with us maybe things will start to change."
Her optimism seemed to be almost offensive in those moments.
"That shitty brath isn't worthy enough of following orders."
He was being unfair and he knew it. It was not Eren's fault. Erwin's plan was perfect. But if he accused his insubordination he could find an escape mechanism. If he hadn't been alert for that kid's whimpering, if he hadn't had to pay attention to him for not transforming, wouldn't have had to leave their men to its fate. So they would be alive. It was a very poor excuse but it was the best he had. If he didn't take refuge in it, the guilt would drive him to despair. He needed to dismiss the responsibility he had had in his mates' death in any way.
Hanji looked at him, worried. She understood how those losses affected him even when he wanted to deny it. She knew Levi better than he thought. She didn't limit only studying the titans. Every soldier of the Scouting Legion had decided to follow him and die for him. They venerated him as a god. He assumed that role and betrayed that men and women's deaths as a burden he must carry, just like Erwin does. Hanji was worried because maybe one day they would be beaten by the weight of that self-imposed yoke.
"There will not be other ones like them." He said it because they were soldiers but also mates.
Hanji knew it. She noticed again his dirty clothes, scruffy because of the combat. Levi was the sort of person that hates dirt but he didn't mind to stain himself with his men's blood. He was more considerate than what showed the others. She felt a lump on her throat while puzzled out all those complex facets of his personality. She thought he mustn't bear so much – it was not fair. Moved by compassion, she put her hand over his in a premeditated movement that nevertheless seemed to be by chance at all. Levi wasn't perturbed. In any other circumstance he would have shifted at the minimum touch – he allowed that level of trust to nobody, even her. But he didn't do it because that simple brush comforted him more than he was willing to admit. So in these moments he needed to feel as a human, even just a little bit.
As he didn't reject her, Hanji dared tighten his hand stronger like that touch could transmit her support. She wanted to help him. She wanted to lighten that burden he seemed to carry anywhere and oppressed him. She wanted him to stop being humanity's strongest soldier only for a few minutes to be just Levi.
"You couldn't prevent it. Nobody could have done it. They made their choice. They chose to follow you and die for you. But it's not for you. You are just a man. Is for what you represent. For them, you are humanity in itself."
"Humanity's rotten, Hanji. The world they want to fight for is full of corruption and egoism. I don't want to incarnate that world. They die in vain for an illusion converted into a myth."
"Don't be that, then. Let them to see the world as it is through your eyes."
"I can't allow it. They would wallow in misery. They would have nothing to fight for. I may be a despicable human being but it won't be me who destroys their pitiful hopes. At least they have some hope."
There was a slight hint of bitterness in his voice while talking. Hanji felt sympathy for the man whose hand rested now on her lap. She hid her most humane side too, not knowing if she did so because of habit or need. But it surfaced motivated by the need of protect that little pure, uncorrupted part she thought still live inside both of them. With no words, she hugged him in a warm hold.
In normal circumstances, Levi wouldn't have allowed it. But he didn't complain. He let Hanji hold him in her arms, without moving. She relieved the pain and tore the death presence apart. His rational mind claimed to move away – he hugged nobody. But he stayed there following his instincts, surrounded by that warmth that appeals to the only retreat of his soul which hadn't been crippled by a deep suffering.
"I'm sorry, Levi. I'm really sorry."
Those words had a healing effect. Even if the apology was empty and void of any meaning because it hadn't even been his fault, nor would it bring the four soldiers back to life. What it meant was that someone understood and knew how he felt or, at the very least, tried to. Something Levi hadn't experienced too many times in his life, that's why he left her embrace and lied over Hanji's lap. In that moment, he felt closer to her than to anybody else in his whole miserable life. The woman caressed the thin, black strands of hair over his forehead. He closed his eyes, resting from all the sorrow.
"I don't want to be a leader, that what Erwin is there for. I don't want to be a martyr for humanity either" he confessed while sitting up.
He was talking very serious. Hanji could notice it in the intensity of his glance. She put her hand on his shoulder and stared into him sadly. She did nothing to stop him from moving closer and shaving his lips with hers. She didn't know what he was looking for with that – it was difficult to understand him completely despite all her efforts and much less in moments like these. But she let him kiss her because whatever was the meaning he wanted to give to that, he needed to do it. That kiss was far from being a romantic or emotional one. For that very reason it had much more value than any other.
As soon as she left the room without saying goodbye, Levi knew it had never happened. He was a god among his men again, a killer, a beast. He went direct to the shower, wishing to remove all the traces of dirt and rot as if water could wash his sins. It was never enough with that. Nevertheless this time there was something different. He felt almost clear, as if that unusual atmosphere and that strange connection they made had been enough to purify him. Guilt hadn't already consumed him. He still was the strongest in the eyes of his soldiers. But that night, only for that night, he felt more like himself. A personality he had almost forgotten. He was not humanity's hope, not the Captain, not a divinity. He was just Levi.
Honestly I think that there is more than one type of kiss and sometimes kisses have another meaning apart from the romantic one. I wanted to write about the relationship between Hanji and Levi because she is very close to him although he doesn't want she to be. Since I don't like much LeviHan it was a bit difficult for me to write it.
I hope you liked it! I would appreciate a lot if you leave a comment! :)
See ya~