The weekly lunch and literature discussions between Dr. Bashir and Garak were known throughout Deep Space Nine. Some parties avoided the Replimat at all costs on that day while others made sure to be there. Fireworks weren't inevitable, but the conversation was nearly always worth eavesdropping on, especially once Garak really got going. If there was one thing Cardassians excelled at, it was arguing. They practically raised it to the level of a sport.

Today's topic was an older human novel. Bashir had given it to Garak out of frustration and pique after his last five offerings had been derided as "saccharine, simpering puddles of emotion not worthy to be discussed as literature". With that kind of scathing review of perfectly normal novels like The Stand, Fahrenheit 451, and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Julian had decided he'd show Garak what simpering puddles of emotion were. He'd given him Pride and Prejudice.

He arrived early so that he would be ready to smirk at Garak's certain dislike of the novel whenever the tailor was able to attend. Garak never arrived at the same time and never arrived from the same direction. This time he somehow managed to come up behind Julian, though Julian would have sworn that wasn't possible given the dimensions of the Replimat.

"Good afternoon, doctor," the tailor greeted him smoothly, placing a tray on the table and then settling gracefully into the chair. Garak wasn't a small individual, but he was rarely clumsy all the same.

"Good afternoon, Garak," Julian replied after swallowing his mouthful of soup. "How was your morning?"

"Oh, the usual," Garak said airily. "Customers, crises, and couture. Much like yours, I would presume."

"Yes, there's plenty of couture in medicine," Julian replied very dryly, and Garak chuckled slightly.

"There should be," he pointed out. "Those gowns you have for your patients are truly hideous. It's not enough that they should be unwell? Really, doctor, you ought to consider the psychological trauma of it all."

This was an argument they'd had before, so Julian just rolled his eyes at Garak. Fashion wasn't important in medical care.

"I'll be sure to do so in the future," he said, and decided to change the subject. "Well, what did you think of the novel this week?"

He sipped his raktajino to cover his smile, certain that Garak was going to immediately begin declaiming about the horrible nature of the novel and the people in it. Instead he nearly choked on it from the surprise.

"What an excellent novel, doctor," Garak enthused. "I'm so grateful that you suggested it. Much better than the previous two, I assure you."

It took a moment to compose himself, but eventually Julian managed it.

"Really?" he said, and was rather proud of how calm and interested he'd sounded instead of sounding startled and petulant.

"Oh, yes, it was remarkable," Garak agreed. "I particularly liked Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst. Now there are two individuals who know the value of position and family."

"You liked Miss Bingley?" Julian repeated, and admitted to himself that he had sounded a little petulant about that.

"Certainly, doctor!" Garak confirmed. "She knew her family's position and responsibilities and tried to protect that. Unfortunately her brother didn't take her advice, but you humans are so sentimental sometimes. I rather liked Mr. Darcy as well. He understood his position very clearly and tried to communicate it to Mr. Bingley and Miss Bennet in as clear a manner as I could imagine."

Julian supposed he shouldn't have been surprised. Garak had thought Julius Caesar was a farce, had thought The Boy Who Cried Wolf was a treatise on not lying the same way twice, and had thought 1984 was an excellent portrayal of a society with its priorities in order. Of course he would think Miss Bingley was the best character.

"And what did you think of Mr. Wickham?" he asked, carefully cutting and then eating a bite of pie.

Garak sniffed. "A rank amateur. His attempts to blackmail Darcy were transparent and crude. Involving the governess was completely unnecessary and certainly led to his discovery. Had he not involved the governess, he would have been much more successful."

"You don't see a problem with him running off with a fifteen-year-old girl other than the fact that he was discovered?" Julian replied, just to confirm that, although he had already decided many times that he'd never understand Cardassians and further would never understand Garak.

"He did what was needed to secure his position in the world," the tailor said, casually moving his hand in what Julian had decided was the Cardassian equivalent of a shrug. "No one can be faulted for that. Though I do think his ultimate decision to try to blackmail the Bennets was poorly thought-out as well. If not for Darcy's sentimental attachment to Elizabeth Bennet, he wouldn't have gotten any money out of that whatsoever."

On that they could agree. Wickham was not the brightest star in the nebula, but Julian felt that having to be married to Lydia Bennet was appropriate punishment for his malfeasance.

"What did you think of Darcy's change in attitude, doctor?" Garak asked. "Is it normal for a man to know that his position and wealth require him to marry well and then decide to marry beneath him? It would not be tolerated in Cardassian high society, but I don't know about ancient human society."

"I can't think that his peers were very appreciative of it," Julian admitted. "But he made his decision and no one would question it once it was made, or at least not to his face. His first proposal was rather harsh, though, don't you think?"

"Not at all," Garak disagreed. "He recognized that his emotions were leading him to what you might call a bad end and attempted to explain why. Miss Bennet was very touchy about the whole thing, I'd say."

"Very," Julian said dryly, and decided not to attempt to explain why Miss Bennet was touchy. That was a discussion they didn't really have time for, given their respective lunch breaks. "Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it, other than those minor complaints."

"I certainly did. There was one thing I didn't quite understand, though, doctor," Garak said, and Julian raised an eyebrow inquiringly. Garak's face was very serious, indicating that he was probably going to say something utterly outrageous.

"Why on earth did no one exile Mr. Collins?"