OZ, Land of the Unemployed

by Anne Khushrenada

My first attempt at Gundam humor, in which the Specials are fired, the ladies of OZ seek revenge upon the paperboy, and hiliarity ensues. Rated PG for Wufei-bashing (and lots of it!), language, and cartoon violence. :)

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters do not
belong to me, but to the good people of Sunrise,
Sotsu, Bandai, and quite possibly various others,
whose names I cannot possibly keep track of, but who,
I'm sure, know exactly who they are.

* * *

"OZ, Land of the Unemployed"
by Christine Anderson
aka Anne Khushrenada
ladyune@gundamwing.net

Treize Khushrenada whistled a cheery tune as he
breezed into the OZ Headquarters building bright and
early on a Saturday morning. He smiled and nodded to
the janitor who was mopping the tiled corridor
outside his office.

"G'morning, Mister Treize," said the janitor, whose
name was Eddie.

"It *is* a lovely morning, isn't it, Edward?" Treize
asked. "How're the wife and kids?"

"Doin' just fine, thank you for asking, sir. And
how're you?" Eddie asked, pausing to prop his mop up
against the wall.

"Very well, thank you, Edward."

"That's mighty good to hear, sir."

Treize nodded. "I think so myself, too. Anyone else
in today, Edward?"

"Nope," was the janitor's reply. "Damned window-
washers are going to be late again, I swear it. And-
I think one of the other janitors knocked over that
vase on Lady Une's desk..."

Treize's eyes narrowed. "Um. Broke it, too, I
suppose?"

Eddie nodded. "Yep. Broke the vase, and stepped on
those pretty flowers, too."

"That simply will not do." Treize fished out his
wallet and handed Eddie a few credit chips. "Would
you do something for me, Edward? On your lunch hour,
replace the vase."

"Sure thing, sir," Eddie said. "What about the
flowers?"

"I'll replace the roses myself," Treize told him.
"And we won't upset the lady by mentioning this
unfortunate incident, will we?"

"Mention what?" Eddie asked.

Treize nodded. "Good man." He unlocked the door to
his office and turned the knob. "All finished in
here?"

"Yep. Oh- that General Whatsisname was by earlier,
dumped a bunch of stuff on your desk before he left."

Treize sighed. "I don't suppose you happened to
mistake it for the trash, did you?"

Eddie shook his head. "Naw. Might've been important
stuff, ya know?"

"Maybe, but I doubt it. See you, Edward."

Treize stepped into his office and kicked the door
most of the way closed behind him. It really was just
like his superior, the General, to stop by on the
weekend just to give him more work. As if he, the
Specials' commander, didn't have more than enough to
do already... He sighed, sat down behind his desk,
and lifted the first item from the pile.

It was a small, thin slip of pink paper, a carbon of
some form. Treize squinted at the small, narrow blue
lettering on it. "Regret to inform you..." he read
aloud quietly to himself, "..due to unexpected budget
cuts, the Organization of the Zodiac shall no longer
require- Damn!"

He squinted at the slip again, certain he'd read it
wrong. It simply could not be. OZ needed him. Hadn't
his superiors told him so more times than he could
count? Hadn't they-?

Treize sighed. Well. If it was some sort of error,
there was only one way to sort it out. He reached out
to the communications screen before him on the desk
and punched in the General's home number.

"Septum here," said the man who answered the call.

Treize saluted, feeling rather stupid making such a
gesture to the ugly little man on his screen. "Sir,
Colonel Treize-"

"I know who you are," General Septum growled at him.
"What do you want, Treize?"

Treize's ice-blue eyes narrowed. Technically, this
man was his superior. But. Treize was the Specials'
commander, which meant that even though their ranks
were not equal, his and the General's positions more
or less *were*. Aside from which, Treize wasn't some
private fresh out of Victoria, and he knew himself to
be a better man than the general by far- not to
mention a better officer. This pathetic, common-born
piece of scum still thought he could command Treize,
and that Treize would listen. He was about to learn
differently.

"I would very much like it, sir," Treize said icily,
"if you could explain to me this 'thing' which was
located on my desk when I arrived this morning."

"Oh, that. It's what we call a pink slip, Treize."
The General's tone, unkind before, was only
patronizing now. "I'm truly sorry, my boy, but the
Federation's cutting our budget again, and we just
can't afford- well, a lot of things really, but
mostly the Specials. Those suits of yours don't come
cheap, you know, and neither do your salaries."

"My people," Treize said flatly, "deserve the best
machines available, and cannot make due with less.
Furthermore, these people do have to *live* in-
between defending Earth against the colonies' rabble.
Or were you unaware of these facts?"

"Don't patronize me, Treize, you twit," Septum
snarled. "You're fired. You, and your pal Zechs, and
every last member of the Specials. End of story. Now
if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a golf game."

Before Treize could reply, the screen blanked out.
"Asshole," he said quietly, his hand curling into a
fist around the pink slip, crumpling it into a ball,
which he tossed at the trash can. It bounced off the
can's rim, zipping into the corner, where Treize
decided to leave it.

"I do *not* believe this," Treize muttered, tapping
the screen's on button again and punching in another
number.

"Hello. You have reached the Zechs Merquise
residence. I'm not home at the moment, but if you
leave a message, I may, if I choose, return your
call." A beep followed this pronouncement.

"Zechs? Pick up, old friend. It's Treize." He paused,
but there was no answer. "Zechs, damnit, it's
important. I mean it, we may have a serious problem-"

"Alright, alright, already," came the groggy-sounding
voice of Treize's friend Zechs, as he turned to face
the screen, brushing sleep-tangled hair out of his
eyes. "What the hell are you doing up so early,
anyway? And on a Saturday, no less?"

Treize sighed. "I'm sorry, old friend, I really am.
But... I just got off the line with the General."

Zechs made a rude gesture at the mention of their
boss. "Ugh. That explains why you look so cheerful,
at least."

"Zechs, there's not really any easy way to say this.
I've been fired. Actually, all the Specials have
been. Budget cuts, the General says."

Zechs blinked at the screen, rubbing sleep from his
eyes. "Treize, pal, that must have been some reeealy
nasty brew Otto and I had last night, 'cause man, I
swear you just said we're all fired."

Treize briefly covered his eyes with one hand.
Terrific. Zechs was hitting the bottle again. Otto,
he and Lucrezia Noin had decided long ago, was a nice
enough guy, but not a very good influence on Zechs.
He had a particular obsession with Wild Turkey which
none of them could understand- except Zechs, who for
some reason seemed to like the stuff, too.

"For once I don't think Otto's faulty taste in liquor
is the problem here. You heard me right. We've all
been fired."

Zechs groaned. "What's the General smoking? They need
us- never gonna stop the rebels without us,
especially those five twits with the Gundams."

"I couldn't agree more, but the General wasn't in the
mood to listen to reason."

"Is he ever?"

Treize sighed. He was never going to get anywhere
with Zechs when he was like this. "Is Lucrezia
there?"

"Sadly, no. She and the girls had their own outing
last night, came by on their way home to scrape Otto
off the floor and drive him home, and that's it."

"Um. Alright. Here's what let's do. You get yourself
into the shower, clean yourself up, and ditch the
remains of last night's festivities. Follow so far?"
At Zechs' nod, he went on. "I'm going to make the
rounds here, see if anything interesting turns up- oh
yes, and copy a few keys. I'll come pick you up, and
we'll pay a visit to Lucrezia and Une."

"Okay." Zechs paused. "How do you think they'll take
the news?"

"Badly. I suggest flowers and firearms might help
soothe them."

Zechs nodded. "Then what?"

"I've no idea," Treize told him.

Eddie the janitor was just finishing up that end of
the hallway when Treize came out of his office.
Treize, he noticed, looked a lot more unhappy than he
had when he'd walked in.

"Boss man leave you a lotta work, Mister Treize?"
Eddie asked.

Treize shook his head. "No. Left me a pink slip,
actually, and more for my colleagues."

"I'm- real sorry to hear that, Mister Treize."

"Not as sorry as my lady love will be, I'm sure."

Eddie thought about that for a second. "Oh. Uhoh."

"Yes. Quite so."

"You, uh, want me to not bother replacing that vase?"

"That'd probably be best, Edward."

The janitor started to hand back the credit chips
Treize had given him, but the Specials' former
commander shook his head. "Keep them, Edward. Buy the
children something special."

"Thanks, sir. That's mighty kind of you."

Treize didn't answer, already heading towards the
elevators, his head bent as if he had a heavy weight
on his shoulders.

"Damn," he said to the silent interior of the
elevator. "Damn, damn, damn. This is not going to be
one of my better days."

Treize sighed, and checked his reflection in the
elevator's mirrored panels. His hand reached up of
its own accord to smooth back his hair. At least, he
told himself, I still look good.

* * *

Lucrezia Noin peered out across her front lawn, one
hand shielding her eyes, searching for the paper. At
last she spotted it, lying in a soggy pile of
newsprint at the end of the drive. Muttering
irritably to herself, she went out to retrieve it.

Noin snarled a curse at the paperboy quickly
retreating on his bike. "You do this on purpose,
don't you?" she yelled. "Little brat! See this?" One
hand, gesturing with the paper, pointed at the large
machine parked in the driveway. "Mobile suit, kid.
Can you say 'Kentucky Fried Chicken'?"

"You won't catch me, weakling!" yelled the paperboy,
Wufei, over his shoulder. "Stupid woman," he muttered
to himself as he rode off.

Noin stared after him. "I swear that's the kid who
trashed Victoria... Killed half my students, *and*
wrecked my apartment... Yeah, you *better* run!" she
yelled after him.

She shook her fist at him before hiking back past the
mobile suit, the '99 Romefeller-Ford Taurus model,
top of the line, purple finish and black chrome. A
scuffed-up bumper sticker on the suit's back read: We
break for nobody.

At the door, Sally Po relieved her of the still-
dripping paper.

"'Morning, Lucrezia," Sally said.

"'Morning, Sal. Do me a favor, make a note- Borrow
Tallgeese from Zechs, kill paperboy."

"Sure." Sally produced a pencil from one of her
pigtail-braids and a notepad from her pocket,
muttering to herself as she scribbled. "Lucrezia-
borrow Tallgeese..."

As Sally finished her note, Lucrezia walked into the
kitchen to check on Mr. Coffee. The second of her two
housemates, Lady Une, stood gazing at the coffee pot,
unblinking. Lucrezia grinned to herself and tapped
Une on the shoulder.

"What." Une said, without looking away from the
coffee maker- or blinking.

"Hi," said Lucrezia. "Good morning. How're you?"

"Status: Still brewing," Une replied in a monotone.

Lucrezia sighed as Sally appeared and tossed the
paper into the microwave. "Should've known better
than to try and talk to her before she has her
coffee..."

"I don't think she's even really hearing us," Sally
said as she programmed the microwave. "Observe. Une?"

"Yeah."

"Treize is doing a striptease on the front lawn."

"Coffee," said Une. "Must have coffee..."

Lucrezia laughed. "That was mean."

Sally nodded. "You're right. Fair's fair, next time
I'll say Zechs instead of Treize..."

Noin shuddered. "Please. As drunk as he was last
night, I *don't* think that's something I want to see
him attempt any time in the near future."

"Point," Sally admitted. "But still- it'd be good for
comic relief if nothing else, right?"

"Right."

"Coffee!" exclaimed Une, leaping for the machine, mug
already in hand. She poured her first cup and drank
it in one long swallow. "Owwww....hot!"

Sally, taking pity on her friend, poured her a second
cup with a liberal dose of milk.

"Mmm...better. Thanks."

"No charge."

Une took another sip from her mug. "What were you two
talking about a minute ago?"

"Men. Stripteases. Drinking. Zechs, and Treize, of
course," Lucrezia told her.

Une nodded. "Ahh. Recalling last night?"

"Mum-hum. You know, if Zechs were just a little more
like Treize, I think we'd be okay. Treize doesn't
pull this crap, does he? Getting drunk, passing out
at my feet- and managing to look either attractive or
pathetically cute while he's at it?"

"Uh, no," Une said, refilling her now-empty mug once
again. "He drinks, but not much. Although the passing
out thing could present interesting possibilities..."

But Noin shook her head. "Not in the shape Zechs was
in, it didn't. And defiantly not with Otto throwing
up in the nearest corner."

"Point taken," Une said. "Point defiantly taken." She
paused for another long drink from her mug. "What're
you gonna do about that, anyway?"

"I'm considering dragging his ass into detox,"
Lucrezia said as she fetched her own cup of coffee.
If she didn't get some now, Une would drink the rest
of this pot in a hurry. "That, and blasting Otto into
little pieces."

"After the paperboy?" Sally asked.

"After the paperboy," Noin agreed.

"More seriously, though," said Lady Une- who was now
up for intelligent conversation, having inhaled most
of a pot of coffee.

"More seriously, I don't know, Une. Times are tough,
you know? And God knows I don't mind a drink once in
a while myself, after some days..."

"None of us feel any differently," Sally put in. "But
Lucrezia, let me ask you this- do you really, truly
care about Zechs?"

"Of course I do!" Noin snapped. "What the hell kind
of question is that?"

Sally held up her hands. "Easy, there... I know you
do, that's not what I meant. What I *mean* is that
maybe he needs help, you know? And maybe the people
who care about him..."

"You and Treize," Une said between gulps of caffeine.
"You two should talk to him."

"And Otto, too?" Lucrezia asked, more to relieve the
tension than anything else.

"Do you love Otto?" Sally asked, deadpan, at the same
moment Une said: "Of course not Otto, Otto can get
his own damned friends!"

"And girlfriends," said Noin.

"I'll drink to that," Une said.

"I think you already are."

"Sally?"

"Huh?"

"I think the paper's on fire."

"Ohmigod! Une! Why didn't you say something?" Sally
dashed to the microwave to retrieve what remained of
the paper.

Une shrugged. "We were discussing important issues."

"And the paper's not important? I've gotta read my
horoscope..."

"You sound like Dorothy," Une sighed. "I wonder- is
today a good day to die?"

"One way to find out," Noin said.

"Now that was uncalled-for," Sally said.

"Was it? I didn't think so." Une put on another pot
of coffee.

Noin sighed, and reached for the comm screen after
looking up a number on the phone book cube. "Yeah,
hi, this is the Noin, Po, and Une residence... we,
um, didn't get a paper... No, I will not hold." She
sighed. "Noin. Lucrezia Noin. N-O-I-N. Look, I have a
mobile suit in my driveway, okay? All I want from you
people is a lousy newspaper, one that isn't soggy or
shredded or burnt... *Thank* you." She clicked off
the screen. "They're sending us a new paper. Fifteen
minutes, they said."

"More like 24 hours," Sally muttered. "And the
horoscope will be useless by then."

"We'll black out the date, she won't know the
difference," Une stage-whispered to Noin.

"Good idea," Noin replied. Sally pointedly ignored
them both.

There was a furious pounding at the door. "Weaklings!
I have your paper."

"Coming!" Une called in her most innocent voice. She
strolled to the door with a smile and Treize's
hunting rifle, which he'd been kind enough to loan
her.

She opened the door just enough to see the paperboy.
"Hello," Une said. "You're Wufei?"

"That's right, weakling-"

Une yanked the door open and smacked him in the head
with the rifle. By the time he looked up again she
was staring down the barrel at him. "Listen up,
little man. This 'weaklings' crap is really starting
to annoy me."

"Me too!" called Noin from the kitchen.

"And me three," Sally yelled. Then: "I cannot believe
I actually said that."

"As I was saying," Une smiled at Wufei over the
rifle, "it's really getting annoying. I don't like to
be annoyed, and my friends don't either. I realize
you think you're stronger and better and tougher than
us, and you're still quite proud of yourself for
besting Noin in that fight, aren't you?"

"She is only a weak woman, and I don't kill-"

"We know," Une cut him off. "Which is all very well
and good, of course, but I'd like to take this
opportunity to point out that you'd probably be toast
if it weren't for the fact that you're a semi-main
character. Noin's weakness or lack thereof has
nothing to do with it."

"You are all weak, pathetic creatures-"

Une sighed, and shot him in the foot.

"Owwwwwwww!"

"Every time you say the word 'weak' I am going to
pull this trigger. Every time you insult me or my
friends I am going to smack you upside the head.
Every time you do both, I am going to smack you where
the sun don't shine. Then we'll see how weak *you*
are. Understand?"

Wufei, wisely, nodded silently.

"Okay. Great." Une reached out and took the newspaper
from him. "Oh yeah, one more thing? Try not to thrash
tomorrow's paper, okay? Sally really needs her
horoscopes, and I've gotta count the number of OZ
folks in the obits for Treize, and..."

"Sally?" asked Wufei. "Sally's here?"

"That's right, 'weakling'," said Sally, appearing
behind Une.

"Uh...hi Sally. Sorry about all that weakling stuff,"
Wufei said, with a nervous glance at Une. "I, uh,
think I should be going now... Ladies." He bowed,
turned, and hobbled away, running straight into the
mobile suit. "Owww! Injustice! I am *weak*!" Wufei
exclaimed- at which point Une took aim again, and
shot him in the rear.

Une smiled, blew away a puff of smoke from the rifle,
and handed the paper to Sally. "Yours, I believe?"

"Ours," said Sally as they went back inside. "Nice
shot, by the way."

"Thank you. I've been practicing."

"With Treize, no doubt," Noin said, pouring three
mugs from a new pot of coffee.

"And just what are you implying?" Une asked.

"Not a darn thing," Noin said with a grin.

"Because everybody *knows*," Sally said as she opened
the paper to the horoscopes. "Mmm...let's see.
Lucrezia: Loved ones' actions may frustrate you. Try
to remember you care about them, and stay focused on
your goals. Be understanding, but not too
sympathetic."

"Huh," said Noin. "Not bad, I guess."

"Une: Someone special will bring you flowers. Be
polite, but don't lead them on. There may be-" Sally
grinned over her paper "-a romantic evening in your
future."

"Hehe," said Noin.

"Now yours," Une said to Sally.

"Me: Your friends are going through some tough times.
Stick with them, but don't let them push you around.
Just because things could be better doesn't mean you
should suffer for it." She paused. "Interesting."

"What garbage," said Une. "Really. I can't believe
you buy into this stuff."

"Well, yours is probably accurate," Sally pointed
out.

"I don't see how. With the two of you hanging around
here, and Zechs very likely to pass out at Treize's
place?"

"We happen to *live* here," Noin said. "But Zechs,
once passed out, won't notice much, guaranteed."

"And that, my dears, is food for thought," Une said,
raising her mug. "Cheers."

* * *

Zechs Merquise stumbled to his closet, retrieving the
first garment he found, which happened to be his OZ
uniform. Draping the uniform over his arm, he made
his way towards the bathroom, in the process tripping
over several mostly-empty bottles of Wild Turkey,
among other things.

"Ugh. What is that *smell*?* Zechs asked, approaching
the corner where Otto had thrown up the previous
night. "Yuck." He sighed. "Wonder where Otto is,
anyway..." Deciding to clean up the mess after his
shower, Zechs continued on to the bathroom. He had a
vague memory of Lucrezia being there last night- and
of briefly passing out at her feet. Had she and her
friends taken Otto home? He scratched his head,
trying to remember. "I think...yeah. I sorta remember
Lucrezia dragging Otto down the stairs... Might as
well've tossed him over the railing, for as gentle as
she was about it. Not that Otto noticed, 'course..."

Still muttering to himself, Zechs hung up the
uniform, turned on the water, and stepped into the
shower. "Ahhhh! Cold!" he exclaimed, leaping back out
again. As he stood there dripping on the floor, he
realized he'd forgotten to take off his clothes.
"Oops."

After peeling off his soggy garments, Zechs returned
to the shower, singing as he fished the soap out of
its dish. "The hills are alive with the sound of
muuuuuusic...."

Sometime later, as he blow-dried his hair, Zechs met
his bleary-eyed expression in the steamy bathroom
mirror. He sighed. "This," he said to himself, "does
not look good." Then his eyes lit up. "Of course! My
mask! I'll put the mask on, and no one will be able
to see..." Pleased with himself for this great leap
of deductive reasoning, he finished drying his hair
and donned his uniform.

The first thing he did, after exiting the bathroom,
was take a mop to Otto's corner. "That is the *last*
time that guy's coming over here after work," Zechs
vowed as he dunked the mop in a bucket of soapy water
for what had to be the tenth time. Of course, he had
made this particular vow numerous times, but he was
sure he meant it now. Otto was a good guy and all,
but after a while, Zechs' landlord was going to have
a real problem with Otto's habitual trashing of
Zechs' apartment. And Otto didn't have to pay the
rent and deal with that guy- Zechs *did*.

With the corner clean- or at least as clean as it had
been before Otto chose that spot to revisit his
evening meal, Zechs turned his attention to the
numerous bottles and food remnants scattered hither
and yon. There were, he noticed, many more bottles
than there were pizza crusts and potato chip bags.
Maybe that was why he felt like there were a dozen
mobile suits fighting it out inside his skull? Too
much to drink, not enough to eat?

Maybe. Zechs stooped to retrieve a bottle of Wild
Turkey, noting with some pleasure that there was
still a bit of it left. He grinned, swirled the
liquid in the bottle, and started to tip his head
back to drink it. Then he looked at the bottle again,
turned to face his refection in the mirror hanging
beside the door, and shook his head. "Screw it,"
Zechs said, and pitched the bottle, contents and all,
into his trash can.

He'd just picked up the last of the bottles and was
starting on the carnage only the charitable would
call 'dinner', when the doorbell rang. Zechs clutched
his aching head before moving to the door. He opened
it slowly, blinking against the harsh glare of the
sunlight.

"Hiya, Treize," Zechs said, stepping back to let his
friend into the apartment. Treize's aristocratic nose
turned up at the apartment's smell, and he winced
slightly.

"Good God, what *is* that smell?"

Zechs sighed. "Part of it's probably from when Otto
threw up-"

Treize held up a hand. "Nevermind. Say no more,
please." He paused. "Are you alright? You don't look
so good."

"Bad hangover," Zechs told him. He sighed, looking
around the apartment. "Lucrezia is going to kill me."

"Fortunately or unfortunately, she'll have other
things to worry about soon enough," Treize said.

"What? Oh, right. That whole 'everybody's fired'
thing. You weren't kidding me about that, were you?"

"Have you ever known me to have such a terrible sense
of humor?" Treize asked. His hung-over friend simply
looked at him, and he sighed. "No. I wasn't kidding.
Shall we go?"

Zechs nodded. "Yeah. I think I've done about all I
can with this mess for now." He grabbed his mask from
its peg by the door and put it on. "How do I look?"

"More or less normal. You- might want to consider
combing you hair, though..." Treize produced a comb
from his back pocket. "Here, I just happen to have
this with me."

"Thanks," Zechs said, taking the comb to his rather
tangled hair.

When Treize pronounced his appearance "good enough",
the two exited the apartment and went down the steps
to where Treize's Corvette convertible was illegally
parked at the curb.

"First stop," said Treize, "the best florists' shop
in town. Hop in, pal."

Zechs climbed into the passenger seat, and Treize
started the car, taking the corners way too fast as
he drove them away from the apartment building.

"Do you really think the flowers will help that
much?" Zechs asked over the sound of the engine.

"They certainly can't hurt, and, if presented right,
may *help* to avoid anything...too nasty."

"If Une's had enough coffee," Zechs pointed out.

"Oh, God." Treize closed his eyes briefly, only
opening them when he recalled that he was driving at
high speed upon a city street, and that looking where
he was going might be a good idea. "Please let her
have had her coffee, please..."

The Corvette screeched to a stop outside Dawson's
Flouriest Shop, and the two men exited the vehicle
and headed into the store. A bell hanging upon the
door announced their arrival, and the young man
behind the counter- younger than Zechs or Treize -
looked up at their arrival.

"Mister Treize!" exclaimed the boy. "Good morning,
sir, how are you?"

"Terrible," said Treize. "Just terrible. This-" he
put an arm around Zechs' shoulders, and his friend
shot him an odd look "-is my good friend Zechs
Merquise. We need at least a dozen red roses each-
and an ample dose of prayer wouldn't hurt, either."

"Ouch," the boy said. "You must have some serious
apologizing to do. What happened?"

"Not apologizing, exactly," Zechs told him. "Just
some really bad news which the ladies aren't going to
like one bit."

The boy nodded. "Hmm. Okay. Mister Treize, we've only
got two dozen of those roses left- the English ones
you like -and really Mr. Dawson says I'm not supposed
to sell all of them, but you're our best customer,
and..."

"Please," said Treize. "My girlfriend has a gun;
*his* girlfriend has a Mobile Suit in her driveway.
I'm begging you, please."

The boy nodded vigorously. "Of course. I was going to
say that seeing as how you're our best customer, and
I feel really sorry for you and your friend, I'm
going to let you have them."

"Thank you," said Treize. "What's your name, son?"

"Danny, sir."

"Well, Danny, if you're ever in need of work-" Treize
shook his head. "Damn. I can't do that anymore, can
I? Well. If you need a letter of recommendation...
call me."

"Thanks, sir," Danny said. He turned to retrieve the
roses, and brought them back along with a roll of
white paper. "You want these long-stemmed, I'm
guessing?"

"We need all the help we can get," Zechs said.

Danny nodded. "Thought so." With that he arranged the
roses in their paper wrappings, and handed each of
the men their dozen. Then he quoted the price.

Treize winced, but nodded, and reached for his
wallet. Zechs started to go for his, but Treize shook
his head. "Let me get this one, old friend. I'm-
slightly less broke at the moment."

"I owe you one," said Zechs.

"You always owe me," was Treize's good-natured reply
as he handed the credit chips to Danny. "Have
yourself a good day, kid."

"Thanks, sir. And- good luck."

"Next stop, The Armory," Treize said once they were
back in the car.

Zechs nodded. "I am beginning to doubt this will do
any good... with my luck I am right now on my way to
buy the weapon Lucrezia is going to kill me with."

"Now, now," Treize said, "don't talk like that. We
must assume that this plan will work. You've charmed
her for years, old friend, you can do it again, one
more time."

"You're not worried about Lady Une?" Zechs asked.

"Um. Not really, no. By the time we get there, she
should have enough caffeine in her system to be
alright...more or less." Treize sighed. "I hope."

"Unless she's having one of those Colonel Une the
Destroyer days..."

"Zechs?"

"Yes?"

"You can shut up now. In fact, please do."

The Corvette laid a good two meters of rubber as it
pulled into the Armory parking lot. Treize swore
under his breath. And swore again when he and Zechs
met up with Dorothy Catalonia on her way out of the
shop.

"Hello," Dorothy said, adjusting the large bundle of
rifles and knives she held in her arms. "Cousin
Treize, Mister Zechs..." She batted her eyelashes at
Zechs, but what really caught his attention was her
seemingly endless eyebrows.

"Hello, Dorothy," Treize sighed. "Have you bought out
the store?"

"No!" Dorothy laughed. "If I did that, I couldn't
come back for more ammunition, now could I? I really
need to find a war to fight in soon, it's just
killing me waiting." She laughed again. "Get it-
killing?"

Behind the mask, Zechs rolled his eyes.

Treize sighed again. "Dorothy-" He shook his head.
"Nevermind, forget it. Have you spoken to any of your
colonial friends lately?"

"My- what? You must be joking. Anyway, they're not
*my* friends, they're Miss Relena's."

"I'll take that as a 'no'. If you do see them... give
them my regards?"

Dorothy shrugged, her eyebrows jumping across her
forehead. "Sure, sure. See ya, cuz."

"Cuz?" Zechs asked after Dorothy had vanished.

Treize shrugged. "We're related somehow or other, but
I couldn't tell you how, and neither, apparently,
could she."

"What was that about her 'colonial' friends- the
Gundam pilots?"

Treize nodded. "Yes. Them. I was just thinking-
they'll have a very easy time of it in the near
future, wouldn't you say?"

"Damn those fools!" Zechs exclaimed.

Treize nodded again. "My sentiments exactly." He
pulled open the door. "Shall we?"

Inside the shop were racks filled with guns, knives,
swords, all manner of weaponry. Treize nodded a
greeting to the salesman behind the counter before
turning his attentions to the merchandise.

"Good morning, Mister Treize," said the salesman.

"Do you know *everyone* in this town?" Zechs asked.

Treize smiled. "Only those who trade in things that
interest me, my friend."

"Mm. Flowers and firearms."

"Among other things." Treize sighed along the barrel
of the rifle he held, but shook his head and put it
back. "No, no..." He gestured to the salesman. "I
need something suitable for a lady, my good man...
elegant, unique..."

The salesman nodded. "What'd you have in mind? Blade
of some type? Rifle? Shotgun? Semi-automatic?"

Treize shook his head. "Rapier, I think."

"I have just the thing," said the man. From behind
the counter he produced a beautiful work of steel
craft- a lightweight, elegant, but deadly weapon.
Treize took it in his hands, testing its weight, and
nodded slowly.

"It's perfect," he said. "Don't you think, Zechs?"

Zechs examined the sword and nodded his approval. "A
Mobile Suit is really more my sort of weapon, but I
do think she'll like it."

"The lady- she is skilled in the use of things like
this, yes?" the salesman asked.

"Yes," Treize replied. "I'll take it. Next- a
handgun. She lost hers," he explained to Zechs.
"Would you believe that dreadful cousin of mine
swiped it? Apparently her grandfather doesn't like
her playing with live ammunition..."

"Can't imagine why," said Zechs, deadpan.

"I favor the .22, myself," the salesman said. "Small
grip, easily concealed in, say, a lady's handbag..."
He smiled, and offered the weapon to Treize, who
shifted the rapier to his other hand in order to take
it.

"Mmm. Yes. That'll do nicely. I'll take both of
those, and- Zechs, old friend? Any ideas for
Lucrezia?"

"I'm looking," said Zechs. "I know she does admire
that hunting rifle of yours... You know the one?"

Treize nodded. "Yes. Perhaps if she has one of her
own, she can share it with her friends, and I'll get
mine back. Another of those antiques you sold me, my
good man, if you please... yes, the Winchester."

The salesman nodded, eyes gleaming with thoughts of
the commission he was going to earn today. "Anything
else?"

"Better get her something with a cutting edge, if you
follow me," said Treize. "Otherwise she may
be...jealous."

Zechs, shuddering at the thought of a jealous
Lucrezia Noin, nodded his agreement. "Hmm... Fencing
foil, maybe?" He shook his head. "No... too fragile."

"A child's toy," was Treize's comment. "Another
rapier, I think..."

The salesman, rubbing his hands together with glee,
immediately fetched another sword he thought would
do. "Sir?" he said to Zechs, handing it to him. Zechs
examined it briefly, shrugged, and looked to Treize,
who nodded.

"Well. If she doesn't like it, I suppose she could
always kill me with it," Zechs said. He turned to his
friend again. "But, say, Treize...can we afford this
stuff?"

"Can we afford *not* to?" Treize replied. "Besides,
I'll cover it. It pays to have rich friends, don't
you think?"

"Oh yes. I defiantly think."

"Will that be all, gentlemen?" the salesman asked.

"I think so, yes," Treize told him. "By the way- that
young lady who just left."

"Ahh. Miss Catalonia. One of my best customers. Such
strange eyebrows, though..."

He tallied up their purchases, and gave Treize the
total. Treize glared at him. "Highway robbery! This,
is highway robbery! You don't seriously expect...?!?"

"It's the times, sir," said the salesman, sounding
almost regretful about it. "Weapons don't come cheap-
military needs 'em, I guess. And a man's gotta eat,
you know?"

"Yes. I do know." Treize fetched his checkbook with a
sigh. "Check okay?"

"Fine. Can I see some ID?"

"As if you don't know who I am," Treize muttered, but
forked over his ID as well.

The salesman scrutinized it. "Doesn't look much like
you..."

Zechs peered over his shoulder. "He's right, you
know. Looks like you about- oh, I don't know, a
decade or so ago, though..."

"I looked better then," Treize muttered. They both
stared at him, and he ran his fingers through his
hair. "Well, I did."

"Uh, sure, whatever... Can we go now?"

* * *

"Do we need to do anything today?" Noin asked her
housemates.

"Not really, no," said Sally. "Although I'm starting
to feel a little sorry for Otto, who's probably still
passed out exactly where we dumped him in his living
room last night."

"Fine," said Une. "*You* go scrape him off the floor,
then. Lucrezia and I did it last night, and believe
you me, it was not a pretty sight."

"He's kind of cute, you know?" asked Sally.

"Maybe he could be- sober. But have you seen Otto
sober any time in the past three years?" Noin
replied.

"Otto," said Une, "no longer knows the meaning of
'sober'. He thinks beer is one of the major food
groups."

"Yeah, kind of like you and your coffee," Sally said.

"Your problem, Sal," Lucrezia told her, "is that you
don't really *like* Otto, but you feel sorry for him,
because he's a pathetically cute and helpless sort of
drunk."

"Except when he throws things, or throws up on
things," Une said.

Noin nodded. "Yeah. Except for that."

"I'm a doctor," Sally reminded them. "I fix things,
heal people."

"I wonder if we can fix Otto?" Noin thought aloud.
"It'd solve so many problems..."

"Sally, apparently, wants to try," Une said.

"Of course she does. Can't you talk to Treize or
something, maybe get Otto transferred someplace else,
where he'll cause a little less trouble? It'd be a
lot better for OZ if we had a dried-out Zechs instead
of the either drunk or badly hung-over model."

"What she really *means*," Sally stage-whispered to
Une, "is that a dried-out Zechs would be better for
*her*, personally."

"I know exactly what she means. And, Lucrezia, I find
it very insulting that you'd ask me to use my
influence with Treize that way. That is, assuming I
have any..." Une seemed to suddenly transform into
Une Without Self-Confidence- again. Noin tried not to
sigh, having seen this before, rather often.

"Of course you do, Une!" Noin told her quickly. "That
man adores you."

"And basically every other female he sees," Une
muttered.

"It's politics, I guess- sort of. He has to play to
the crowd, charm all those rich old ladies pulling
the strings on the Federation's Board of Directors."
Nevermind that most of them were young, not old.
Sally thought about pointing that out, then decided
against it.

"And," Noin continued, "I mean, it's *Treize*. He
likes the attention, but he doesn't like *them*."

"You sure about that, Lucrezia?"

"Positive. I heard him talking to Zechs about it
once. He said he liked the way they looked at him,
but at the same time he didn't, because they didn't
understand him at all. He called them the rich
children of rich fools...that sort of thing. He
spotted me then and stopped talking, but then he
said, like I wasn't there even though he knew I was,
that you were the only woman he ever wanted to look
at him that way, and that it was going to be really
hard to resist the urge to smack the next silly
little flufball that did it." Noin shrugged. "Make of
that what you will, but..."

Une wiped a tear out of her eye. "He- really said
that?" She sniffed, and reached for a Kleenex.
"Shit...I'm fogging up my glasses." She took them
off.

"It's okay, we'll clean them..." On impulse Noin gave
her friend a hug. She'd never done that before- Une
really didn't seem like the sort of person you
hugged. But she did look sort of helpless without the
glasses...

Sally took the glasses and cleaned them, then gave
them to Lucrezia, who gave them back to Une.

Une sniffed and blew her nose. "Thanks..." Sniff.
"...you guys." She put her glasses back on, and
suddenly seemed like a different person. "Well.
That's very nice to know. I'm glad you told me that,
Lucrezia. Thank you."

"Any time," Noin said. How'd she do that? she
wondered.

"Speaking of Treize..." Sally said with a grin. "You
were out kinda late last night, weren't you?"

"Helping Lucrezia drag Otto out of Zechs' apartment,
yes."

"Oh." Sally sighed, having gone fishing for gossip
and come up empty. "Well... about those birds,
then..."

"Ugh. You're sick, Sally." Une went back to her
crossword puzzle. "What's a six-letter word for
infatuation?"

"Treize," Noin and Sally said together. They grinned
at each other.

"Ugh! You two..." But Une, too, was smiling, amused.
"He is quite the catch, isn't he?"

"On second thought, I'm not sure I want to hear
this," Sally said.

"Oh, but I do want to tell you," Une said seriously.
"Really..."

"Help!" exclaimed Sally.

"Careful what you wish for," Noin said.

From somewhere up the street there came the sound of
screeching tires, and a car horn or two blaring.

"Damned kids," Noin muttered.

But the screeching drew closer to their home, and all
three women looked out the living room window
curiously as the cherry-red convertible skidded to a
stop at their curb. Treize and Zechs got out of the
car and started up the walk.

"Speak of the devil, and he appears," Noin said,
trying to make her voice sound mysterious and spooky.

"Mmmm... Treize," said Une.

"Is it just me, or does that sound remarkably like
her early-morning 'Mmm...coffee' ritual?" Sally
asked.

Une glared at her and growled.

Noin raised her hands. "Nope, Sal, just you."

The doorbell rang, and Une dashed to answer it.

"Good morning," Treize said with a bright smile. "You
look lovely."

"'sokay, Treize," Noin said, appearing in the doorway
behind Une. "She's had her coffee."

"Thank God," said Treize, sweeping his lady-love up
into a hug. Une, in her Serious Soldier (tm) role,
tried not to smile.

Meanwhile, Noin greeted Zechs. "You clean up pretty
good, Zechs, considering." She looked at the various
things he carried. "What's this? Flowers? Pretty.
Treize is as good of an influence as Otto is a bad
one, I guess... They *are* for me, yes?"

Zechs nodded. "Um...yeah. Treize's idea. Here." He
thrust the roses into her hands.

"For crying out loud," Sally called. "Invite them in
and close the door. What will the neighbors think?"

"That at least two members of your household have
companions worthy of their strength and beauty,"
Treize said as he escorted Une into the house. Noin
and Zechs followed.

Une shook her head, having given up her attempts at
not looking amused. "Trust you, Treize, to compliment
yourself along with everyone else."

"Does that mean you think I'm undeserving, milady?"

"Hardly," Une said. "Oh- roses. How thoughtful!"

"How predictable," said Sally.

Une stuck out her tongue at her.

The other four looked at her in silent amazement.

Did I just see that? wondered Noin.

I have *really* got to quit drinking, thought Zechs.

I've got to admit, Treize thought, I didn't see that
one coming.

"Should probably get those flowers into some water,"
Sally said, and she busied herself doing that. "Say,
guys, what's the rest of that junk you're carrying?"

"Oh, just a few things we picked up on our way over,"
Zechs said lightly.

"Presents?" asked Noin. "Is it someone's birthday?
Anniversary?"

"Nope," said Zechs.

Noin looked relieved. "Good. I didn't forget
anything."

"What's the occasion?" Une asked.

"Well... why don't we just show you what we've
brought, and then we'll explain..." Treize set his
various packages on the table. He and Zechs exchanged
a look, which each of the women tried and failed to
read.

Treize and Zechs each handed Une and Noin,
respectively, a long narrow box.

"Go on, open the damn things already," said Sally.

Noin and Une shrugged, and did so simultaneously.
There were two likewise simultaneous gasps.

"Ooooh...sharp objects!" exclaimed Une. "Thank you!"
She threw her arms around Treize in an embrace that
left him gasping for breath.

"You're-" He gasped "-welcome."

"Wow," said Noin, looking from the box, to Zechs, to
the box again. "I adore you, do you know that?"

Noin and Une removed their rapiers from their boxes
and immediately began dueling.

"En garde!" Une exclaimed.

Zechs and Treize traded looks of alarm. Sally
laughed.

"Freeze, foul creature, or I'll run you through!"
Noin said to Une, waving the rapier at her friend.

"Never! I shall never surrender, never!"

Noin grinned. "Une?"

"What."

"Look, behind you- Treize, striptease."

Une immediately turned her head. All she saw, of
course, was a beet-red Treize, an openmouthed Sally,
and a Zechs shaking from laughter.

As soon as Une's head turned, Noin tapped her on the
shoulder with her rapier. "Gotcha."

"Touché," Une muttered. "Well done. Well done."

"Er. Yes," said Treize, who was still trying to
recover.

"Maybe you should really try that," said Sally. "Her
reaction was interesting enough to indicate-"

"Sally!" Une and Treize exclaimed together.

Sally shrugged, looking to Noin and Zechs. "What'd I
tell ya? They're a match made in heaven. Now let's
put those away before we put someone's eye out with
them, okay?"

Noin and Une replaced the rapiers in their boxes, and
folded their hands on the table in front of them,
wearing identical expressions.

"Well," said Une. "That was fun. What's next, boys?"

"Firearms," said Zechs.

Treize kicked him. "You weren't supposed to *tell*
them!"

"Ow!" Zechs handed another long box to Une, and a
smaller one to Noin. "No, wait...sorry. Other way
'round. Trade."

"Okay," said Noin, and they traded. She opened her
box. "Alright! Shotgun!"

"Rifle, actually," Treize said. "We thought, perhaps
if you had one of your own, I might have mine back."

"Sure thing. Thanks." Noin leaned across the table
and kissed Treize's cheek.

"Lucrezia!" Une clawed at Noin with her fingernails.
"How could you?"

Noin blushed. "Would you believe...I made a mistake?"

"Damn right you did," Une muttered. Then she laughed.

Noin turned to Zechs. "Thank you, Zechs." She leaned
across the table again, this time in the right
direction, and kissed him full on the lips.

Immediately Sally glanced at her watch, and began
muttering to herself. "One one thousand, two one
thousand, three one thousand..."

"Open yours," Treize said to Une. She did so,
exclaiming with glee.

"My gun! You got it back from that slu- sweet darling
little relation of yours!"

Treize shook his head. "Actually I didn't, but..." He
reached out, grabbed her hands, and drew her to him.
"My lady approves?"

"Mmm...yes."

"...one thousand, thirty-five one thousand..." Sally
sighed as Treize and Une began making out. "Damnit, I
can't time all of you at once..."

"What?" Noin asked.

"My God. They came up for air," muttered Sally.

"Did she say something?" Noin asked.

"I didn't hear anything," was Zechs' reply.

Treize drew away from Une with a reluctant sigh.
"Listen, my dears...I'm afraid we have a bit of bad
news. We thought these gifts might soften the blow a
bit."

Une gazed up at him. "What is it, Treize?"

"OZ is...cutting funding to the Specials," Treize
replied. "And they're also canning a lot of people-
to save money, of course."

"Treize found a pink slip on his desk this morning,"
Zechs took up their tale of woe. "He called General
Septic- I mean Septum. It's official, as of this
morning we, the Specials, are all unemployed."

"I hope you're kidding," Noin said.

"Believe me, that's exactly what I said to Treize.
But he wasn't, and I'm not either. I'm sorry,
Lucrezia. Really."

"Of all the ludicrous things," said Une. "They *need*
us, don't they understand that?"

"They don't care," Treize said. "I know that sounds
stupid, and I know it *is* stupid, but they don't
care."

"I'm almost afraid to ask this," Sally said, "but
what about me? Am I fired, too?"

"Probably not, Treize told her. "However delusional
they are by now, it can't have escaped their notice
that there *is* still a war on, and they're going to
need doctors to patch their soldiers back up- the
ones that live, of course. Probably now more than
ever they'll need you and yours."

"Right. What does this leave them with to throw at
the Gundams? Merchant marines?" Sally shuddered.

"More or less," Zechs said.

"I have a very bad feeling about this," Noin said.
"But at least no more of my students will die for
their worthless 'causes'!"

"That's the spirit," Zechs told her.

"Bite me."

"I think maybe somebody needs a nap," Sally put in.

"Shut up. Shut up, *please*," Une said.

Sally looked pleadingly at the two men, who simply
held up their hands.

"Hey, I may be unemployed, but I'm not crazy yet,"
Zechs said.

And: "I believe you're on your own, Doctor," said
Treize.

"Oh, thanks. My heroes. Knights in shining armor to
the rescue, and all that."

"Get your own 'knight'," Une said. "These two are
spoken for."

"Yeah," Lucrezia spoke up.

"So," said Sally. "You guys are unemployed, and my
workload's going to double in the next week. Joy to
the world."

"This might be more amusing if it were happening to
other people, though, wouldn't you agree?" Zechs
asked. Nods all around the table. "But since it is,
and it did- well. We have skills, don't we?"

"Sure we do," said Noin. "We can all pilot, Une can
shoot to kill at something like a hundred yards or
more, I can teach- military history, maybe?"

"Your least favorite subject," Zechs put in.

"Yeah. Treize could teach- fencing, maybe?"

"Oh yes. My life's ambition- to be surrounded daily
by the children of parents even richer and more
arrogant than my own. A class full of Dorothys, too,
I should think." Treize shook his head. "I think I'd
rather starve."

"You just might, at the rate things are going," Noin
said. "Maybe the zoo could use someone to train their
birds? And, let me see... Zechs. Oh, I've got it-
Wild Turkey commercials."

"Co-starring Otto," Sally said, which was about the
time most everyone lost it, collapsing into fits of
laughter.

Once they regained their composure, though, the
seriousness of their situation descend upon them. A
collective sigh rose from the table.

"I need a drink," Zechs muttered.

Noin smacked him, bruising her hand on his mask in
the process. "Ow. Idiot- you need a job, not a
drink."

Zechs pouted beneath his mask. "She hit me."

"We noticed," Treize told him.

"Hey- I thought you were supposed to be my friend."

"I *am* your friend. But I agree with Lucrezia. You
*do* need a job, more than you need a drink."

"Oh, fine. Have it your way then." Zechs sighed
tragically. "You wouldn't take Une's coffee away,
would you?"

"No," Noin said. "But there's a difference."

"What difference?"

Noin shook her head in disbelief. "Darling... we're
not suicidal."

"And an Une without her coffee is one which none of
us are in any hurry to meet up with," Treize said.
"No offence, of course, my dear."

"None taken," Une said. She glanced around the table.
"Now that we've all become unemployed, some things
are going to have to change." Nods all around. "First
thing- Liquor is expensive, Zechs. So's detox. None
of us can afford to pay for either, not if we plan to
be eating in another two months." Nods again, albeit
a reluctant one in Zechs' case. "So. First order of
business is: Zechs is going to stop drinking, and
we're all going to help him. Clear?"

"Crystal," Noin said. "Next- we need to find jobs,
sooner the better. In the meantime, we swallow our
pride and hit the unemployment lines."

"Must we?" Treize asked with a sigh.

"Maybe we won't see *you* there right away," Noin
said, "but I wouldn't be calling any of us when the
fortune dries up."

"I see your point."

"Thought you might."

* * *

"Zechs, old chum, can I borrow your mask?" Treize
asked the next day as the four of them approached a
building whose sign read "Unemployment Office". "I
don't think I can take the shame and humiliation of
all this."

"Hell no," Zechs said. "Why do you think *I'm*
wearing it?"

Lady Une glanced to her left and shuddered. In the
reflective surface of one of the buildings they
passed, she could see their reflections clearly- and
what she saw, she didn't much like. "Hold up, you
guys."

Obligingly, they stopped- none of them being in any
hurry to arrive at Unemployment. At Une's gesture
they turned to face the building full on.

"Oooh...shiny," said Treize. Noin, who was closest to
him, smacked him.

"Hey," said Une, "that's my job."

"Sorry; couldn't wait on you."

Une shrugged. "Okay. Now, guys... look at yourselves
here. We have a problem."

"Aside from the obvious?" Treize asked.

"If you don't shut up, I'm going to let Lucrezia
smack you again."

"Okay," Treize said meekly, immediately before
shutting up.

"*Thank* you," Une said. "Now. Look at yourselves,
people! What do we look like to you?"

"Ourselves?" Zechs asked.

Une nodded. "Bingo. We don't look like anything
*except* Lady Une, Treize Khushrenada, Zechs
Merquise, and Lucrezia Noin, ex-OZ Specials. And it's
not just the uniforms either, guys...although
ditching them would probably be a good idea."

The others were nodding. "Um...yeah," Noin said. "She
does have a point, gang. So- U-turn?"

"I think we'd better," said Zechs, and they headed
back the way they'd come.

* * *

"That was quick," said Sally when her four friends
walked back through the door of the house.

"Not really," Zechs said. "We decided we looked just
a little too recognizable."

"*Une* decided that," Treize corrected. "The rest of
us somehow failed to notice."

Sally looked the quartet over, and nodded. "Yeah.
Let's see what we can do with you, huh?"

While Sally was thinking, Noin was giving everyone
directions. "Une, you know the drill..."

Une, who had already tossed off her glasses, and was
working on putting her hair down, nodded. "Yep.
Treize, want to give me a hand with this damned
ribbon?"

"No," said Treize, who was studying his reflection in
the mirror.

Sally kicked him. "Ow! Okay, okay. Yes, of course,
I'd love to help you."

"Great," said Noin cheerfully. "Soon as you finish
that, you and Zechs are going for a little drive."

"We are?" asked Zechs.

"You are. You're going to your place and his, to pick
up some civilian clothing." Noin looked the two of
them over, taking her time about 'examining' Zechs.
"Might I suggest something nicer... slacks and nice
shirts, maybe a jacket? No ties- we don't want you to
look like Mormon missionaries- just respectable,
*normal* men."

"Are they normal?" asked Une. "Ow- Treize pulled my
hair!"

"Not intentionally, he didn't," Treize said quickly.
"A fine idea, Lucrezia. And no, my dear Lady, we are
not *normal*."

Sally looked over at him, trying not to laugh.
"Treize- does the word 'duh' mean anything to you?"

"No," Treize said, deadpan. "Should it?" Then, to
Une: "There we are, my dear."

"Thanks," said Une. "Now go on, get out of here."

"Yes, I think it's time we were leaving," Treize said
to Zechs. "There are things about this strange female
ritual of 'getting ready' that no male can see and
live to tell of. Let's be off, then."

"Yes, let's," said Zechs.

After they'd gone, Une fished a blue suit out of her
closet and held it up for her housemates' inspection.
"Yes? No?"

"Yes," said Noin, who was herself trying to find
something to wear. "Any suggestions?"

"Um. Cowboy shirt," Une suggested, working on her
makeup. "How's this eye shadow?"

Noin made a face. "Scrap it. Quick."

"'Kay," Une said. She sighed as she tossed off her
uniform jacket. "I really used to loath that color,
but now I'm going to miss it..."

"I know what you mean," Noin told her. She sighed.
"I'm going to miss space. Not the fighting, or the
battles, or the killing people, but... space. It's so
quiet, so pretty, up there."

"Maybe you'll go back someday," Une said as she began
changing into her suit.

"As what? A commercial shuttle pilot?" Noin shook her
head. "Won't be the same."

"Could always immigrate to the colonies," Une said
with a weak smile.

Noin laughed. "Oh yeah! Now there's an idea! Join up
with the Gundam boys, even. After I kill that stupid
paperboy..." She gasped. "Uhoh."

"What-oh?" asked Une.

"Gundams. Mobile Suits. Tallgeese."

"What?" Then: "Oh crap. They're going to take it
back, aren't they?"

"They're going to try," Noin said as she pulled the
cowboy shirt and a pair of jeans out of her closet.
"And Zechs isn't going to be happy about that at
*all*..."

"This," said Une as she brushed out her hair, "could
be very bad."

"Lucrezia!" came Sally's shout from the front of the
house. "Lucrezia, get out here!"

"Damn," said Noin, buttoning the shirt over her jeans
as she raced down the hall. "What? What is it?"

Sally pointed out the window. Noin looked, and swore
again. "Shit!" Outside, a tow truck was parked in the
driveway, its hooks and chains being attached to the
Taurus by the tow truck's driver and two men in OZ
uniforms.

"Hey!" she yelled as she dashed out the door and down
the driveway. "Stop!"

"Lucrezia Noin?" asked one of the men in uniform,
checking something on a clipboard he held in his
hands.

"Yes," Noin said icily. "That's me."

"By order of General Septum, we're repossessing this
mobile suit."

"The hell you are," Noin said, turning back towards
the house. "Sally! Sally, my rifle!"

Sally retrieved Noin's new rifle and dashed down the
driveway with it. All the while, the three men sent
to retrieve the suit stared in amazement.

"Here ya go, Noin," said Sally.

"Thank you." Noin leveled the rifle at the trio. "Now
then. Let's talk, shall we?"

"Whatever you say, lady," said one of the two OZ
officers.

Noin nodded, smiling. "Very good, boys. The person
with the gun aimed at you is always in charge."

"Listen, uh, Miss Noin, we really need to take this
back to base..."

"Why?" asked Noin. "I'm still making payments on
time- it's *mine*." On impulse she added, "Besides,
Lt. Zechs said I could have it."

"Lt. Zechs?" asked one, then the other of the two OZ
guys. "But- but he doesn't work here anymore... in
fact..." He flipped pages on his clipboard. "Yep,
we've got orders to reclaim one 'Tallgeese' suit from
him, too..."

"Take my advice, boys," Noin said. "Don't try it."

The tow truck guy tapped his shoe against the
pavement. "Time's a'wastin, boys, and I do get paid
by the hour. No skin off my nose, but-"

"All *right*," one of the two said. "Just give us a
few here, okay?" He turned back to Noin. "Now, Miss
Noin, it'd be really helpful if you could just give
us the keys..."

"I don't think so," Noin said, chambering a round in
her new rifle.

Sally sighed and tapped her foot. "Give it up, kids,"
she told the three.

"Sorry, ma'am. No can do."

Sally sighed again. Before she could say anything
else, there was the sound of a person in high heels
clicking their way towards them, and a nicely-
dressed, kindly-faced Lady Une appeared around the
side of the Taurus.

"What seems to be the problem, gentlemen?" she asked,
her voice soft.

"Uh, ma'am, we have orders here to repossess this
suit, and Miss Noin here doesn't seem to want to
cooperate..."

"I don't blame her," Une said. "Now then. Why don't
the three of you run along and play, and I'll make
certain that my friend delivers this suit to you
first thing tomorrow morning."

"Um..." The first soldier scratched his head.
"Something tells me that's not a good idea, but I
can't think of a reason why..."

"If you leave now, you should have time to catch a
movie, maybe even drive to the beach," Une said with
a kind smile. "Doesn't that sound better than taking
things away from people?"

"Hey, yeah!" said the second guy. "C'mon, Jimmy,
let's go."

"Hmm...okay," said the first guy, Jimmy. He tipped
his hat. "Ladies."

As the tow truck pulled out of the drive, Noin
grinned and handed her rifle back to Sally. She
raised her hand, and she and Une slapped palms.

"Right on! Thanks, Une."

Une smiled. "There isn't a problem in the world that
diplomacy won't solve."

"Touché," Noin agreed.

"Now then. How's about we go back inside, and you fix
your buttons?"

"What? Oh." Noin looked down at her shirt, slightly
embarrassed to see that she'd put a few buttons in
the wrong holes. "Okay. Good idea."

* * *

"Good God, what *is* that smell?" Treize asked as he
and Zechs stepped into the latter's apartment.

"You asked that once today, I started to tell you,
and you said you didn't want to know," Zechs pointed
out.

"Oh. I suppose you're right." While Zechs sought out
something to wear, Treize put his gloves back on and
began picking up. "I just can't stand to look at this
anymore, old friend," he said. He pinched his nose
closed with one hand. "Did you actually *eat* this
stuff?"

"Yeah," Zechs called from the bedroom, "Couple days
ago, maybe last week..."

"That's it," Treize said as he pitched a moldy pizza
crust into the nearest trash receptacle. "I'm not
asking any more questions, and if by chance I do, I
don't want you to answer them, okay? I've heard
enough!"

"'Kay," Zechs said, as he plunged his hands
fearlessly into the closet. "Owwwwwwww!!!!"

Treize immediately dropped the unidentifiable
something or other he'd just picked up and raced to
the bedroom, his gun drawn. "What? What is it??"

"Something bit me," Zechs muttered, holding out his
hand, which did indeed bear a very very small bite
mark.

A small ball of fur dashed out of the closet and
leapt at Treize. "Meow?" it said.

Treize sighed. "You have a kitten."

"Yes, I do. Hannibal, meet Treize. Treize, Hannibal."

Treize sighed again, deeply. "Zechs..." He caught the
kitten as it leapt at him. "Nice kitty..." He petted
it, and it bit his finger. "Ow."

"*Bad* kitty," said Zechs.

Treize shook his head, dropped the cat, and
unceremoniously walked from the room.

"Treize...buddy?" There was no answer. Zechs sighed.
"*Bad* kitty! *Bad* kitty!" With that he went back to
fishing in his closet, carefully this time.

Meanwhile, back in the living room, Treize continued
his cleanup efforts. He sighed, gagged again at the
horrible stench, and hauled a large fan out of the
dining room. He plugged it in in the living room, and
threw open all the windows.

Very, very slowly, the stench dissipated.

When at last Zechs emerged from his room, he was
dressed exactly as Noin had suggested- except for his
mask, which he was still wearing.

"Well?" asked Zechs, doing a slow 360 degree turn.

Treize nodded. "Doable," he said. "Except- the mask?"

Zechs hesitated. "I guess... Zechs Marquise has been
fired from OZ, yes?"

"Yes," Treize said, in a tone of voice that might as
well have said "Duh".

"Zechs Marquise existed to fight. But I'm not
fighting anymore, am I?"

"No," Treize told his friend, a bit more seriously.
"You're not."

"Well, then. Maybe it's time for Zechs Merquise to
die." Treize looked a little startled at that. "Time
for Zechs Merquise to die, and Milliard Peacecraft to
come back to life."

With that last, he removed the mask with a flourish
and tossed it across the room- where it landed
perfectly upon its peg.

"Alright," said Zechs- Milliard, Treize thought -with
no trace of hangover, all business now. "Let's get
going. We've still got to go to your place, and meet
the ladies." He glanced about the room. "What the
hell happened *here*?" Milliard shook his head.
"Nevermind, I don't want to know. Let's go."

Treize nodded. Thank God, he thought, but wisely did
not say. He's back. Wherever in the darkest hell he's
been, he's back.

* * *

Treize stared in dismay at his rather large selection
of clothing. "There's just nothing that'll do," he
said at last, "nothing that doesn't scream 'Treize
Khushrenada."

"Yes there is," Milliard said. "I suspected this
might happen, so..." He laid a garment bag across
Treize's bed. "Little something I found on my last
vacation. I thought it might be good for...well,
something."

Treize, with more than a little suspicion, opened the
bag. And gasped. What he saw before him was a
Hawaiian-print shirt, green, blue, and pink flowers
on a red background, and a pair of khaki safari
shorts. "I," said Treize quietly, "will not be seen
in public in- that."

"Yes, you will," Milliard said. "Precisely because it
is the sort of thing that Treize Khushrenada would
never, ever wear. I'll wait outside while you
change." And with that he departed the room, closing
the door behind him.

"I'll get you for this, Peacecraft," Treize said. But
he said it with a resigned sigh, as he was removing
his uniform jacket. "Ugh. I really can't believe I'm
going to put up with this..."

Meanwhile, Milliard walked slowly around Treize's
expansive living room, examining the elegant
furnishings. On an end table was a large photograph
of Lady Une- a Lady Une who actually looked pleasant,
pretty, and kind. It was, Milliard reflected,
probably a side to her that very few people had seen.
He'd never really understood exactly what it was
Treize saw in the woman- although he did to some
extent understand why she and Lucrezia were friends.

When there were only two women of reasonably high
rank within a military organization such as OZ's
Specials, those two were either going to be the worst
of enemies or the best of friends. They'd apparently
tried the former, gotten tired of it, and moved on to
the latter. Milliard didn't quite understand that
either, but he wasn't going to knock it- life had
been a lot more peaceful since the war between Noin
and Une had reached its conclusion.

He had to fight to keep his face expressionless when
Treize emerged from his room. "Ready to go?" he asked
his friend.

"Yes, damn you."

As he turned away to open the door, Milliard smiled
to himself. He wondered if the ladies would find
Treize's appearance as amusing as he did. Probably,
he thought.

* * *

"They're back," Sally announced from her post by the
living room window.

"And?" Noin asked. "What's the verdict?"

"Zechs looks good... Oh, wow. No mask. He looks
*really* good, Lucrezia."

"Hands off, lady. He's *mine*!" Noin said with a
smile, leaning over Sally's shoulder to look out the
window. "Mmm. Man does know how to dress. Given
proper advice, of course. But wait- who's that other
guy?"

"Treize, I think," Sally said.

"Not in that getup, it's not. My God. Une, you have
*got* to see this!"

Une appeared from the kitchen, holding a mug of tea.
"What's all the commotion about-? Oh, my."

The three housemates looked at each other, and burst
out laughing. They were still laughing when the men
walked in the door.

"Ladies," said Zechs- no, Milliard, Lucrezia thought.
Has to be Milliard now. He bowed. "Milliard
Peacecraft, at your service. My- less than dashing
companion is, of course, Treize Khushrenada."

"I am going to kill you, Peacecraft," Treize said
quietly.

"Oh, I think not," Noin said, sweetly.

"Oh, doesn't he look just darling?" Une asked, eyeing
Milliard. "You too, of course, dearest," she added to
a fuming Treize.

"I will *not* put up with this nonsense one minute
longer, do you hear me? I'm not wearing this, I'm
*not*."

Milliard sighed. "Ladies, I'm afraid we're stuck here
for at least a little while longer. Let's let Treize
finish his tantrum, and then we'll go."

"'Kay," said Noin. "Nice threads, by the way."

He smiled shyly. "Thank you, Lucrezia." He began to
kiss her, and for a while the only sound in the room
was the ticking of Sally's watch, and Sally, counting
slowly.

Une, meanwhile, was trying to calm down Treize. "It's
really not that bad," she said. *Yes, it is,* she
thought, *but if I say that, we'll never get him out
the door, so...* "And the idea is for you not to be
recognized, correct? For all of us not to be
recognized. Well, it's going to work- but only if you
complain a little less. And you might want to calm
down while you're at it- your face just about matches
that shirt, and that won't do at all."

Treize growled.

Une threw up her hands. "I give up! I can't manage
him when he's like this. Milliard, Lucrezia,
Sally..."

Of the three mentioned, only Sally looked up, still
counting. She shrugged.

Treize continued his complaining. "This is absolutely
disgusting," he said. "It's terrible, it's awful,
it's horrible- oh, and it's Milliard's, in case
anyone was wondering. Milliard, are you listening to
me?"

"Two hundred-one one thousand, two-hundred two one
thousand..."

"Sally, then. Are you listening to me? This is not
mine!"

"I think it is now," Une said.

"You're laughing at me, aren't you?" Treize asked.
"You think this is funny."

"No- well, only a little," Une admitted.

"It's beyond horrible! I hate it, and I hate all of
you, and I'm not going anywhere looking like this,
I'm not I'm not I'm not!"

From Milliard and Lucrezia there were a pair of
sighs. "Does that outfit come with a matching gag?"
the latter asked the former.

"Sadly not. But I'm sure I can fix that."

"Please do," said Une. "Oh, Sally- how long?"

"Three minutes and thirty-six seconds, give or take."

Une whistled. "Wow. Is that a record?"

Sally checked something on her notepad. "No. Not even
close."

Noin coughed. "Can we go now?"

"Yes, I suppose we'd better," said Milliard. "C'mon,
Treize, old friend." Treize simply pouted at him.
Milliard sighed. "Fine, we can take your car." Treize
brightened. "And you can drive."

"Let's go!" Treize led the way out the door. Une and
Noin hung back, looking at Milliard with identical
expressions of disbelief.

"Are you crazy?" Une asked.

And: "He is going to get us killed," Noin said.

"I doubt it," Milliard said. "If he does, he'll kill
himself as well, and do either of you really think
Treize wants to live his last moments in *that*
outfit?"'

Both thought about that for a second, exchanged
looks, and headed out the door.

"'Bye, Sally," Milliard said as he followed them out.

"See ya," Sally said. She sighed as the door closed
behind him. "All alone...again." Sally brightened.
"But at least I still have a job. I hope."

* * *

Milliard, Lucrezia, Treize, and Une made their way
once again towards the Unemployment Office. This
time, they reached the building's front door more or
less without incident.

Treize glanced about the room quickly, to make
certain he didn't see anyone he knew. At first he saw
no one, and then... "Oh, damn."

"What?" asked Milliard.

"Otto," said Treize bleakly. "Hide me."

The other three exchanged looks, and Milliard spoke
for all of them. "Uh...no."

"Hi, guys!" Otto bounded over to them and smiled a
greeting. "Miss Noin, Lady Une...how are ya? Say, who
are these guys? Zechs and Treize are gonna be pretty
jealous, methinks... well, Zechs is anyway."

Noin held a hand to her face in a failed attempt to
stifle her laughter. "What're you doing here, Otto?"
she asked, as they all moved to get into the
depressingly long line.

"Got canned," said Otto. "I guess everybody did. All
the Specials, anyway." He paused. "Man, could I ever
use a drink..."

To the collective horror of Noin, Milliard, Treize,
and Une, Otto retrieved a flask from his coat pocket
and took a loooooong drink from it.

He offered the flask to Noin. "Like some?"

She shuddered. "No. I have enough problems, thank
you."

"But-"

Milliard stepped smoothly between Noin and Otto.
"Lucrezia," he said, taking her hand and kissing it.

Otto raised an eyebrow at that. "Hey, dude...I dunno,
who you are, but..."

"The name," said Milliard with a small smile, more
for his friends and Lucrezia than this odd person
before him, "is Peacecraft. Milliard Peacecraft."

"But- the Peacecrafts are dead."

"Not all of them, obviously," Milliard said. He went
on: "You might have known me once as..." He paused,
and the sound of a drum roll was heard. "...Zechs
Merquise."

Otto's jaw dropped. "Far out!"

"Yes," Milliard said dryly. He sniffed the air, as if
he'd just smelled something bad. "Have you been
drinking, Otto? Before just a moment ago, I mean."

"Well, yeah," said Otto. "'Course I have."

"I see. Well. Why don't you go and stand over there?"
Milliard pointed towards the end of the line, which
had grown much longer while they were talking.

"But, but..."

"Now," Milliard said with quiet menace.

"Okay," Otto said meekly. He turned and hiked to the
end of the line.

Lucrezia beamed at Milliard. "Nicely done. I'm proud
of you."

He blushed slightly. "Thank you, my dear. Zechs
Merquise drank a bit too much, and had several...less
than respectable friends. Milliard Peacecraft, on the
other hand, doesn't associate with either."

"Is anyone else starting to get the impression that
Une isn't the only one of us with split
personalities?" Treize asked.

"I heard that," said Une.

Treize whistled innocently. "Heard what? I didn't say
anything."

* * *

"Next!" called a bored-sounding voice from the
window.

"Oh," said Treize. "That's me." He walked to the
window. "Hello."

"Name?" the even-more-bored-looking-than-sounding man
asked.

"Khushrenada. Treize Khushrenada."

"Bond," said Noin somewhere behind him. "James Bond."

Treize looked over his shoulder. "Shut up."

"Okay," said the guy at the window. "Last place of
employment?"

"OZ."

"Uh-huh. Position?"

"Commander of the Specials."

"Okay, right. How long have you been out of work?"

"Um...about six hours or so?"

"Mmmkay. Skills?"

"Eh?" asked Treize.

The man sighed. "What can you do?"

"Pilot a mobile suit, for one thing."

"Huh. We don't get many calls for that these days,
sorry...what else you got?"

"Womanizing," a voice that might have been Otto's
called from somewhere. There was the sound of someone
smacking him. "Oh, sorry, that's right; he doesn't do
that anymore. Nevermind."

"And?" asked the Unemployment guy.

"Fencing. Dancing. Um... bird-watching." Treize
thought for a moment. "You know, I bet I'd be a
really good food critic. Put that down."

"Sure," said the guy. "We'll be in touch." *Not*, his
tone said. "Next!"

Noin stepped up to the window.

"Name?"

"Lucrezia Noin."

"Spell that?"

Noin sighed. "You can spell Khushrenada, but not
Noin?"

"Just spell your name, honey, I haven't got all day."

"What was that last?" Milliard called from his place
at the head of the line.

"I said," the guy said in quite a different tone,
"could you please spell your last name for me, miss?"

Milliard nodded. "That's what I thought."

The unemployment guy, whose nametag read DAN, leaned
over his counter. "So. He your boyfriend, or what?"

"Yes," said Noin. "Lucrezia Noin. N-O-I-N."

"Right...okay. Last place of employment?"

"OZ."

"And what'd you do there?"

"Mobile suit pilot, and pilot instructor."

"Been out of work how long?"

"About five hours."

"Skills?"

"Mobile suit pilot." Noin scratched her chin. "I can
ride a motorcycle, does that count for anything?"

"No. Anything else?"

"She gives good beauty tips," Une said. "Doesn't like
to admit it, though."

"If you write that down, I will kill you," Noin said
flatly.

"Okay, no problem. Next!"

"Milliard Peacecraft," said Milliard, sounding bored.
"OZ. Former mobile suit pilot. I've been out of work
five and a half hours. So far. I can pilot almost
anything, I'm a fairly good shot, and I make a mean
cheese omelet. And very nice coffee."

"Ooookay," said the guy. "Next, please?"

Une approached the window.

"Name."

"Lady Une."

"Spell that?"

"L-A-D-Y U-N-E."

"Mmkay. Last place of employment?"

"OZ."

"Occupation?"

"Mobile suit pilot, personal assistant to His
Excellency, Treize."

"The dude in the Hawaiian shirt?"

Une winced. "Yes."

"Oy," said the guy. "Skills?"

"Mobile suit piloting, assassination- Ow!" she
exclaimed, as Treize kicked her. "I mean, target
practice..."

"Next!"

Otto, who'd cut in line, dashed up to the window amid
numerous oaths and curses.

"I'm, uh, Otto."

"Last name?"

"That's my last name."

"First name, then?"

"Same."

"Oookay," said Dan the Unemployment guy.

"I can pilot a mobile suit," Otto said proudly.

"Not well," Milliard called out. "Please make a note
of that. You really had to see what he did to mine to
believe that much damage was possible."

"Hey!" said Otto.

"Don't 'hey' me, you little twit... do you have any
*idea* how long it took me to scrub your blood out of
Tallgeese?" Milliard shuddered.

"What are we still doing here?" Treize asked. "Can't
we go now, please?"

"...and I can pilot anything that moves-"

"-and crash it," Une, Treize, Noin, and Milliard
called on their way out the door.

* * *

They decided to go back to Milliard's apartment after
leaving the Unemployment office, mostly because none
of them were in the mood to look at Sally, who unlike
them, still *had* a job.

But when they got there, they found Milliard's stuff
tossed all over the front lawn, the landlord waiting
impatiently on the porch, and an eviction notice
tacked to the door.

Milliard sighed. "Damn, that was quick."

"What gives?" Treize yelled up to the landlord,
having decided that as he looked ridiculous, it
didn't matter how he behaved, or to whom. "I'm sure
he can afford to pay at least *this* month's rent..."

"'s not what General Septum told me," the landlord
said.

"Septic again," Milliard said. "I'm getting kind of
tired of that guy, aren't you guys?"

"Yeah," said Noin. She retrieved Zechs' mask- which
she noticed was broken. "But, look...your stuff."

"Oh, damnit," said Treize. "We just had that place
cleaned up, too. You should've seen it, Lucrezia, it
looked like a person could *live* there again."

Noin sighed.

Milliard took the mask from Noin, looked at it, and
tossed it towards the Dumpster with a sigh. "This is
really uncalled for, you know?" he called up to the
landlord. Milliard started up the stairs. "Come on,
you guys."

"What are we doing?" Une asked.

"I want my stuff," Milliard said. "What's left of it,
anyway."

The four of them made their way up to the porch of
Milliard's ex-apartment.

"I'm sorry-" the landlord started.

"Don't," said Lucrezia Noin. "Even. Start." From out
of nowhere appeared her new rapier. "Understood?"

"Uh...yeah."

Milliard and Treize were conferring briefly with Une
on the other end of the porch.

"...got to get in there somehow," Treize was saying.

Une nodded. "Have to break in, though."

"Right in front of the landlord?" Milliard asked.

"What's he going to do, evict you?" Treize asked.

"Mmm. Point. Okay. Lucrezia?" he called out.

"Yes, dear?"

"We're going to break into the apartment now, we'd
like your help."

"Hey, now!" exclaimed the landlord.

"Move it or loose it," said Lady Une, who'd retrieved
her glasses from somewhere and had them perched on
her nose again.

"Damn you!" the landlord swore. "You can't just-"

The sound of breaking glass cut him off, as Noin
tossed a potted plant through the apartment's living
room window. Noin and her friends quickly followed
the plant- it was a large plant in a large pot -
through the window.

"That's it, I'm calling the police!" the landlord
yelled.

"Go for it," Noin told him. "We'll be long gone by
the time the cops get here."

And, indeed, they were. Most of Milliard's things,
they discovered, were on the lawn, except for his
cat, which was in a tree. Lady Une, sans glasses once
again, volunteered to fetch it, while the other three
reclaimed Milliard's stuff.

"Where are we going to take all of this, anyway?"
Noin asked, using a pair of barbecue tongs to place
several pairs of underwear into a suitcase.

"Your place or mine," Treize said with a devilish
grin.

"Mine," said Noin. "I'd really like to get back there
before they try to reclaim the Taurus again."

"They- what?" asked Treize.

And: "Tallgeese?" asked Milliard. He glanced around
the parking lot, but did not see his treasured mobile
suit. "What the hell??"

Noin placed a sympathetic arm around his shoulders.
"C'mon. Let's go home. We'll figure out something, I
promise."

* * *

"Weaklings!"

There was the sound of a gun being fired. "Ow!"

The four of them heard the shout halfway up the
block. Treize, who was already speeding, floored it.

At the Noin, Po, and Une residence, they found
sitting on the porch one very ticked-off looking
Sally, arguing with the paperboy.

"Weak! You are all weak!" Wufei the paperboy
screamed. Then another shot, then: "Ow, damn you,
woman!"

Noin sighed as she got out of the car. "Sally?" she
called.

"What?" snapped Sally.

"What's going on?"

"This!" Sally exclaimed, waving an eviction notice in
Noin's face. "They're throwing us out. And this- this
horrible little *creature* here, and his friends,
tried to steal your Taurus..."

She pointed unnecessarily to the Mobile Suit, which
Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell were standing beside,
arguing.

"I can so hotwire this thing!" Duo exclaimed.

"Whatever. I work alone," Heero said. "If anybody's
stealing this suit it's going to be me. Alone."

"Stealing is weak!" said Wufei. Sally pulled the
trigger again.

Une sighed. "Sally. You're supposed to smack him if
he says weak, shoot him if he insults us, and smack
him where the sun don't shine if he-"

"Oh yeah. If he does both, right, sorry."

In the car, Treize was bashing his head against the
steering wheel.

"You're gonna hurt yourself doing that," Milliard
said.

"I *know*. I just don't care."

Milliard sighed. "Cheer up, pal- if *one* of us still
has a place to go home to, I would bet it's you."

"Oh yeah." Treize honked the horn. "Lucrezia! Une!
Get your stuff. Sally, get those three. I have an
idea."

"Uh-oh," said Sally, who was already working on tying
up and gagging Wufei. She screamed. "He bit me!"

"Eeew," said Une. "Gundam-pilot bite. Had a rabies
shot recently?" She paused. "And, Treize? I'm right
here. You don't have to yell."

"Oh. Sorry."

Sally deposited a bound and gagged Wufei in the back
of the convertible. He landed on one of Milliard's
many suitcases. "Mmmphhhmph," Wufei muttered.

"Did he say 'injustice'?" Milliard asked.

Wufei nodded vigorously. Milliard smacked him upside
the head. "Thought so."

Duo and Heero had taken one look at the ex-OZ folks
and taken off running. It didn't take Sally very long
to catch them, though. She shook her head as she
dragged them back, one in each hand, by the ear. "Too
much time playing video games, boys, and not enough
exercising," Sally chided them.

Une and Noin, meanwhile, busied themselves collecting
their own things, and tossed them into the back of
the car, atop the three Gundam pilots.

"Ow!" exclaimed Duo, who'd eaten through his gag
already.

"Doesn't anyone ever feed you?" Milliard asked as he
re-gagged the Gundam pilot.

"No," Sally answered for them. "I mean, just look at
Heero there. All skin and spandex- er, skin and
bone."

* * *

Sometime later, at the Khushrenada mansion...

Treize leaned back in his La-Z-Boy recliner, sipped a
glass of wine, and sighed. "Ah, this is the life."

"Yeah," Une agreed from her spot near the wet bar,
where she was going fishing for snack food.
"Unemployed, homeless..."

"Homeless?" Treize shook his head. "No, no, no, my
dear. Not homeless at all. This-" he gestured
expansively "-this is home now, yours and mine,
Millard's and Lucrezia's, and Sally's..."

"And ours?" asked Duo, who had once again eaten
through his gag.

Sally sighed. "For God's sake, someone feed those
boys. Quick."

"No, not *you*," Treize said, catching the candy bar
Une tossed him and throwing it to Duo. "Eat this,
please. I guarantee you it tastes better than- what'd
we use to gag them?"

"Duct tape," said Une.

"Thanks," said Duo as he dug in. "Maybe you're not so
evil after all."

"Don't say that," said Heero seriously. "They're OZ.
Even if they don't work for OZ anymore..."

Milliard glanced at him. "Oh. That reminds me. I've
been wanting to talk to you about something, Heero."

"What's that?"

"My sister."

*Uhoh*, Heero thought. "What about her?" he asked
cautiously.

"Stay away from her."

"Psst," said Duo none too quietly. "Who's his sister,
Heero?"

"Relena," Heero said.

"Oh."

Heero turned back to Milliard. "Mister, I would
*love* to stay away from Relena, but she won't stay
away from *me*."

"A likely story," said Treize.

Duo nodded. "It's not true, don't you believe a word
of it. He follows her everywhere, like some kind of
lost puppy or something." Heero smacked him. "Ow!
What'd you do that for?"

"INJUSTICE!!!!!!!!!" came the furious cry from
somewhere very close by. Everyone held their ears,
especially Milliard, who had just a touch of Zechs'
hangover left.

"Okay," Treize said, glaring around the room. "'Fess
up. Who untied Wufei?"

Sally reluctantly raised her hand. "He looked so
helpless just lying there..."

"Sal, he bit you," Noin reminded her.

"I know, but it wasn't a bad bite...just a scratch,
really."

"Got anymore food?" asked Duo, drifting over to Une
and the wet bar. "Oooh... Snickers!"

"Yes, keep eating, please," Heero said.

"You are all weak, pathetic..."

"You tried to steal my mobile suit!" Noin was yelling
at Heero and Duo.

"Yeah, so?" asked Duo, his mouth full of Snickers.

"Don't talk with your mouth full, it's disgusting,"
Treize said.

"So are you, you're all weak, pathetic creatures,
especially you women..."

"Alright!" Milliard exclaimed. "THAT'S IT! I HAVE HAD
ENOUGH, DO YOU HEAR ME? ENOUGH! WUFEI, SHUT UP RIGHT
THIS MINUTE!

"Why?" asked Wufei.

Milliard turned to Sally. "If he insults women and
says 'weak' in the same sentence, we....?

"Kick him where the sun don't shine," Sally said.

Milliard nodded, and proceeded to do so.

"Owwwwww! I am weak, weak, WEAK!"

"Yes, you are. And you're going to shut up now,
understand?" Milliard gagged him again. "And no one's
going to take the gag off this time, are they?"

Silence reigned.

"Are they, *Sally*?"

"Um...no."

* * *

"Hey, Mr. Peacecraft?"

Milliard rather reluctantly looked up from the game
of chess he was playing with Noin. "What?"

"Are you going to let me and Heero go someday?"

"You didn't mention Wufei," Milliard said.

"Well, truth is, we're all a little tired of him,
too. Him you can keep."

"We don't want him," said Noin. Then: "Why the hell
is it so quiet?"

Sally pointed to the couch, where Treize and Une were
rather enthusiastically making out. "Ten minutes
fifty-five seconds."

"Maybe," Milliard said in answer to Duo's question.
"If your friend promises to leave my sister alone."

"But I'm *not*-" Heero started. Duo gagged him once
again.

"Sorry 'bout that. I really don't know what's gotten
into him."

"Oh, Treize," came Une's voice from the vicinity of
the couch.

"Oh, Une," said Treize.

"Oh, brother," said Noin, because, well, somebody had
to.

And: "Oh God. Get a room, you guys," said Sally.

Treize tore himself away from Une long enough to
glare in Sally's direction. "It's *my* house, which I
am letting you all stay in out of the goodness of my
heart. Why don't all of *you* get out?"

"Please?" Une, once again sans glasses, added.

"Um..." said Duo.

Sally grabbed his arm. "Let's go. I don't think this
is something children should see, anyway."

"We are not children," said Heero.

"Whatever," said Sally, as she grabbed hold of him
too.

"Did she say something?" Une asked Treize.

"I don't know and I don't care," Treize replied.

Milliard and Lucrezia looked at each other. Both
rolled their eyes, then jumped about a mile at the
sounds of rustling clothing coming from the couch.

"Let's go!" Milliard shouted, grabbing the still
bound-and-gagged Wufei.

And: "Double-time," Lucrezia called, herding Sally
and the boys ahead of her.

After the door slammed closed behind them, Lady Une
set down the handkerchief she'd been tying into knots
and untying. "Well. They're gone."

Treize grinned at her. "Yes. They are. And I, my
dear, have had more than enough of this awful getup
of Milliard's. Perhaps you could help me...?"

Sally, who'd been listening at the door, shuddered
and dashed off down the hall towards the rec room.
"You guys! Wait up!"

"What kept you?" asked Duo.

"Eavesdropping," Sally said.

"You don't really want to do that-" Noin started.

"I know, Sally said.

Milliard picked up a deck of cards. "Strip poker,
anyone?"

Sally buried her head in her hands, then screeched as
Heero and Duo began dragging her off towards the
kitchen. "Snack time!" exclaimed Duo.

Meanwhile, Wufei had finally gotten rid of his gag.
"How dare you leave me here...Weaklings!"

Milliard and Noin exchanged looks.

"Should we?" she asked.

"Oh, most defiantly."

Together they picked up Wufei, and carried him
outside to the rec room's patio.

"Put me down, weaklings!"

"Sure thing," Lucrezia said. "Ready?"

"On three."

"One...two...three!"

Wufei found himself flying through the air...only to
land with a splash and a curse in Treize's swimming
pool. He opened his mouth to yell something else
about weakness, and swallowed pool water.

On the balcony, Noin and Milliard shared a grin. "Now
that we're alone..."

"Oh, brother!" said Duo, as he, Heero, and Sally
returned to the rec room. "Where's Wufei?"

"Went swimming," Milliard said.

"Which way to the pool?" Duo asked.

Noin pointed over the railing, and the boys dashed
off, dragging Sally along with them.

"I think I'll just lock that door now," said
Milliard.

Meanwhile...

"Did you hear something?" Treize asked Une.

"What? No, just something about weaklings, and
something that sounded like someone telling Wufei to
shut up..."

"Oh. Okay."

"Treize?"

"Hmm?"

"Shut up and kiss me."

"Okay."