I hate it when he gets drunk.
When he's sober he pretends nothings wrong and life can't get any better.
But when he drinks he cries.
When he gets drunk he talks about the past, a past that I have no part of, a past that I'm not supposed to even know about.
But I understand it's how he copes; he had to leave it all behind him after all.
I stroke his black hair, his head in my lap and I listen to him, he cries.
It's hard when he talks about the women before me, and it hurts when I hear about James and Remus and how they spent their summers. When he describes hot sweaty encounters, panting, moans and how they sounded when they came. And then he's aroused and kissing me and taking me to bed and because he hurts I let him scream out "James!" as he comes.
I cry when he talks about Lily and James dying, I've never met them but I've seen the pictures. He curls up in a little ball and the tears just come until we're both drowning in them.
When we got married he put place markers on chairs and tables for all of them, he even managed to include them in our wedding vows, I just had to accept it, and I love him after all.
When our daughter was born we named her Lily Andromeda Black and people she'll never meet and are probably dead are her godparents, I can't get him out of the past.
When our son was born we named him James Regulus Black and he got drunk and cried all night. I can handle most of his past and I do with open arms and loving kisses.
But the hardest nights to accept, and the worst information to take is when he talks about his brother. It makes me cringe inside but also brings out the tiniest bit of the dirty girl that lives within me and believes that nothing could be sexier then my husband fucking his brother.
He talks about Regulus, holding him when he was a baby and again after he'd been killed, I don't know how, I'm not allowed to know.
He tells me how Regulus loved him even after he left home, even when he went against everything his family believed in. He likes to tell me the way Regulus smelled, tasted and felt, how he whimpered in his sleep and how his figure was almost like a woman's.
He tells me stories of his brother, kissing in the rain, sneaking out of school to snogg near the edge of a forest. Regulus always looked up to him and my husband feels like they betrayed each other.
My husband misses James, misses the raw passion they felt for each other. But when he drinks more than normal I find out he misses his brother more, and I don't know which disturbs me the most, when he's sober and pretends that everything is normal or when he's drunk and he cries.
I hate it when he drinks.