L'Amour Est Un Oiseau Stupide
Frasier's condo. Marty and Daphne are at the dining table having lunch. Eddie is on one of the chairs getting table scraps occasionally from Marty. The door opens, and Frasier and Niles walk in.
MARTY: Hey there!
FRASIER: Dad! Daphne! I'm so glad you're here!
DAPHNE: (to Marty) (jokingly) Uh-oh. This could get ugly.
NILES: We have wonderful news to tell you.
MARTY: (to Daphne, bantering) Here goes.
FRASIER: As you know, Niles and I are firm believers and supporters of public broadcasting, and this year, we made a donation jointly during the last PBS pledge drive and won the most coveted prize!
NILES: Two tickets for Le Nozze di Figaro—the best seats in the dress circle!
MARTY: What, you're not allowed in the tux circle?
Marty grins at Daphne, who is giggling.
FRASIER: (ignoring Marty's smarty-pants remark) Since we're season ticket holders of Seattle Opera, we have two extra tickets, so we made an arrangement to take you two to the opera with us a week from Saturday.
DAPHNE: (delighted) (jumping out of her chair) Oh, Dr. Crane! You shouldn't have!
Marty also gets up from his chair to stand close to Frasier and Niles.
MARTY: (meaning every word of it) Yeah, you really shouldn't have. I don't mean to be ungrateful, but you can find someone who appreciates a night at the opera more than I do, can't you? What about Maris?
NILES: You know that she's in Switzerland for a minor procedure and won't be back till the end of this month.
DAPHNE: Oh, Mr. Crane, this could be fun! We'll sashay into the lobby dressed to the nines, mingling with the rich and famous…
MARTY: (annoyed) I don't sashay! And dressing up in a penguin suit isn't my idea of fun.
FRASIER: Don't worry about that, Dad. Contrary to popular belief, opera is for everyone. Parents bring their kids to the productions of Hansel and Gretel, or The Magic Flute all the time. When I was a college student in Boston, some nights the auditorium was packed with college kids in ratty sweaters and jeans.
MARTY: Did you go there in a ratty sweater?
FRASIER: Think, Dad—have I ever owned one?
NILES: The point is, Dad, you can wear your comfortable clothes to the opera. But since you're accompanying us, a decent jacket without any food stain would be nice…
FRASIER: And a nice pair of slacks—pressed, of course.
MARTY: Can I wear my comfy loafers?
Frasier and Niles look at each other.
FRASIER & NILES: (scrunching their faces) Hmmm…
MARTY: That's it! I'm not going.
NILES: (panicky) But, but…
Frasier takes a quick glance at Niles.
FRASIER: Dad, may I speak with you in private? In the kitchen?
Without waiting for Marty to respond, Frasier grabs Marty's arm and takes him to the kitchen.
MARTY: Hey, what's it with you? I told you, I'm not going. Why don't you find somebody else?
FRASIER: Please, Dad. Could you do this as a favor for Niles and me? Especially for Niles?
MARTY: What do you mean?
FRASIER: You know how Niles feels about Daphne.
MARTY: It's kinda hard not to notice, but he's a married man. Besides, Maris will never give him a divorce 'cause she's a…
FRASIER: A spiteful woman?
MARTY: I was going to say something that rhymes with 'witch,' but that too. Anyway, I don't wanna encourage Niles to keep his hopes up. It's cruel.
FRASIER: Oh, come on, Dad! It's not like we are helping him have an illicit affair. (trying to attack from a different angle) Don't you want Niles to be happy?
MARTY: Of course I do. He's my son.
FRASIER: Have you ever seen him happy around Maris?
MARTY: Well… (somewhat wavering) But why me? Why do I have to go see…uh…
FRASIER: The Marriage of Figaro. Because of the group dynamics.
MARTY: What?
FRASIER: Suppose we choose someone who's an opera buff and mutual friend of Niles' and mine. Daphne may feel left out or awkward being around a stranger. And Niles can't moon over Daphne openly because a secret is a rare commodity among the society people. So, it could be an awkward arrangement for Niles and Daphne. Or, we could ask Daphne to bring her friend. That might be fine with her…
MARTY: But they'd keep yapping about their hair, dresses, boyfriends, and Niles would be left out.
FRASIER: Precisely! So, will you come with us?
MARTY: (wavering) I don't know…
FRASIER: Please, Dad. I'll make it up to you somehow. I'll do anything you want.
MARTY: Really?
FRASIER: If your request is reasonable enough, yes.
MARTY: Hmm… Let me think about it. (just a few moments) Okay, I'll go with you if you and Niles agree to come see a Sonics game with me.
FRASIER: Well, that certainly is reasonable enough. Tell you what—I'll pay for the tickets to sweeten the deal.
MARTY: All right! You're on!
FRASIER: But first, let me run this idea by Niles.
MARTY: Why bother? You two decided to take me and Daphne to the opera without asking us first.
FRASIER: Touché.
MARTY: If don't mind, I'll ask Joey to get us good seats. He knows a guy who's dating a gal whose sister works at the Sonics ticket office. So, is it a deal?
FRASIER: Yes, fair enough. Let's shake on it.
Frasier and Marty shake on the deal and walk out of the kitchen into the living room.
FRASIER: Good news! Dad's coming with us after all.
DAPHNE: (excitedly) Oh, I'm so happy to hear that!
NILES: And I'm happy that you're happy!
Niles steals a hug while Daphne is giddy with excitement. Marty looks on somewhat disapprovingly.
FRASIER: I assure you, Dad, you won't regret your decision. The Marriage of Figaro is one of the most performed operas around the world for a very good reason.
MARTY: (already dreading the day) How long is the show?
FRASIER: It starts at seven thirty and ends around eleven, but we go there an hour early.
MARTY: What? Why?
NILES: To attend a lecture before the performance. You'll get more out of the opera when you learn its background.
MARTY: I don't need it 'cause I already know a little bit about this opera.
DAPHNE: Really?
MARTY: Sure. (singing one of the familiar tunes immortalized by Saturday cartoons) Fiiiigaro! Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Fiiiigaro!
FRASIER: (grinning) Nice try, Dad—right character, different opera by another composer.
MARTY: Huh?
NILES: That's Largo al factotum from The Barber of Seville, the prequel of The Marriage of Figaro, by Gioachino Rossini.
DAPHNE: Oh, you two are so knowledgeable!
MARTY: (sulking) Don't encourage them.
DAPHNE: I don't know much about opera, but my brother, Nigel, wanted to be an opera singer when he was a teenager and used to practice some songs like…
Daphne sings in a reedy, unsteady voice.
DAPHNE: Voi che sapete, che cosa é amor…
Puzzled, Frasier and Niles look at each other.
FRASIER: Very good, Daphne, but are you sure that's the song your brother used to practice?
DAPHNE: Yes, of course I'm sure.
FRASIER: You know, it's Cherubino's canzone from The Marriage of Figaro, and Cherubino is a trouser role—a young male role performed usually by a mezzo-soprano.
DAPHNE: So? He also wanted to play in… Oh, what was the name of this opera? Clementine and Chico?
Baffled, Frasier and Niles ponder for a few moments.
FRASIER & NILES: La Clemenza di Tito!
DAPHNE: And another one that sounds like…Maurice Chevalier.
Frasier and Niles have to think a little longer to come up with the answer this time. When Niles speaks the first word of the title, Frasier joins in.
FRASIER & NILES: (excitedly like a couple of quiz show contestants) Oh, oh, oh! Der Rosenkavalier!
Frasier and Niles do a high-five.
MARTY: So, did your brother get any of the roles he wanted?
DAPHNE: No. It shouldn't be a big surprise for a lad trying to sing like a woman who's pretending to be a young man.
Marty tries to wrap his mind around what Daphne just said.
NILES: Well, if you ask me, you should have trained to become a diva, Daphne, instead of your brother.
DAPHNE: Me? I can barely carry a tune.
NILES: With proper training, you could have been a world-class prima donna. Just look at you—you have such an exquisite face and melliferous voice, you're a perfect heroine onstage!
Frasier and Marty roll their eyes.
DAPHNE: Oh, you're such a flatterer, Dr. Crane. But I once met such a woman who really did have the face of an angel and the voice to match. I'll never forget her.
FRASIER: Did you meet her at The Royal Opera House in London perhaps?
DAPHNE: No, at Harrods.
NILES: Harrods? You mean, Harrods the department store?
DAPHNE: Yes. One afternoon while I was shopping there, I stepped into the loo, and she was standing in front of the mirror brushing her hair and singing a most beautiful song in a language I didn't know. So I asked her what language it was, and she said it was…Maori, I think.
Gasping, Frasier and Niles grasp each other's upper arms.
FRASIER: (breathlessly) You know what that means, don't you?
DAPHNE: (uncertain) She's Maori?
NILES: You met Dame Kiri!
MARTY: Dame who?
FRASIER: Dame Kiri Te Kanawa—the soprano who sang at Princess Diana's wedding!
DAPHNE: Really? I watched the whole wedding ceremony on telly, but I can't remember seeing her.
NILES: Surely you remember her sublime rendition of Let the Bright Seraphim, don't you, Daphne?
Daphne still draws a blank.
FRASIER: Oh, for crying out loud, she's the one who wore that garish outfit that looked like a psychedelic muumuu with a pillbox.
DAPHNE: (finally remembering) Ooh, (dumbfounded) that was her?
MARTY: Women—they are too obsessed with dresses and shoes and stuff.
DAPHNE: (getting huffy) Well, men are no better than women—they are always checking out women's bosoms and bums.
NILES: Daphne, I assure you that Dad will forget all about women's body parts and be enthralled by the glorious music at the opera.
MARTY: (groaning) Don't remind me…
Frasier starts humming the last passage of Non piu andrai farfallone amoroso from The Marriage of Figaro, and soon Niles joins in. Then they begin singing the last refrain together marching around Marty and Daphne. Daphne looks on cheering while Marty continues to sulk.
FRASIER & NILES: Cherubino, alla vittoria! Alla gloria militar!