Are You Still Who I Raised You to Be?
'When my father - Colonel Daniel Robbins, the United States Marine Corp - heard that I was a lesbian, he said he had only one question. I was prepared for, "How fast can you get the hell out of my house?" But instead, it was, "Are you still who I raised you to be?"' - Arizona Robbins (Grey's, Anatomy, 2009)
"It's over… we're over. I've left her."
"Jesus, Arizona I…"
"Have I made a mistake?"
"I…"
"Because it feels like I might have made a mistake… It feels like none of this, between us, is really happening. It feels like I shouldn't have ended my marriage on a whim."
"Arizona, this is not a whim… not to me."
"I thought it was, but…"
"But what?"
"I'm pretty sure I've fallen in love with you, without ever really noticing."
Silence overcame them in that moment. It was an open, honest declaration of emotion that both of them had long awaited. It had taken guts and she had wrestled with the idea, but it was out there now and she knew she could not take it back.
He half smiled, half opened his mouth to form words but nothing came; what was he supposed to say to her? Besides that he loved her too of course, although she already knew that. He had told her hundreds of time before.
The entire situation was crazy, messed up, both of them knew that. Neither of them were supposed to let this happen; she was married to another woman, and there were children involved, and crazy interns who would no doubt file complaints about their mentor's conduct. It was a situation that should have been avoided and yet it hadn't. Neither of them had been able to subdue the crazy tension that hung between them every second they stood close. Often, it felt as if the universe was pulling them together, no matter how hard they tried to resist.
It was time to face up to the consequences of their actions now.
"Where do we go from here?"
"You're asking me like I've been here before."
"Neither have I."
"It's scary… petrifying even"
"I don't know if scared is the right word."
"Huh?"
"Well, I'm anxious and worried that it won't work… but I love you, and that means I'm not scared."
He smiled, stepping closer to her in an instant. He could feel the warmth radiating through her clothing. It almost felt magical to do this without the confines that had earlier been imposed across them. It was almost an aching need to just be near her. It did not matter if there was no touching or fleeting kisses, he just needed to feel her. He needed to know, without a doubt, that she was here with him and did not feel the need to turn back.
"I'm glad you're not scared… but if you ever were, I'm here."
She nodded, swallowing hard as she relished in the closeness they now seemed to be sharing. It was hard to imagine that this was how she was going to feel. If she had asked her fifteen year old self where she would be at 35, she would have been adamant that this was not how she pictured it; the image of Callie, Sofia and the beautiful house they had bought together was more what she would have had in mind.
Strange how things turn out.
"So we made the right choice? I made the right choice?"
"I think you made the best choice you have ever made."
"Because my dad once asked me if I was still the woman he had raised, when I told him I was lesbian… and back then I was."
"And now?"
"He did not raise me to deceive, scheme or steal hearts of people that I don't intend on cherishing."
"But they say you can't help who you fall in love with."
"But right now, I'm not the woman he raised… In fact, I am the complete opposite. I'm in love with a man, for starters."
"But is that not something you and your dad could come to terms with?"
"My dad? Maybe… but for me, it's going to take a while. I'm sorry."
He nodded. He understood, of course he did. Not once in her life had she been in love with a man. It had always been women, right from a young age… this was definitely strange and unchartered territory. For all his ways, he knew if she was going to remain in his life like this, he would have to accept all the emotional baggage she was carrying around with her.
He stepped back, breaking the force that had pressed their bodies together to begin with.
"We'll take it slow… as slow as you want to, ok? You have nothing to be sorry for."
She replied with a weak but heartfelt smile. The pure compassion he was showing her just made her heart swell for him a little more.
"Thank you, Alex."