In My Veins
Oh, you're all I taste
At night inside of my mouth
Oh, you run away
Cause I am not what you found
Oh, you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
-In My Veins by Andrew Belle
She looks at me, unable to believe what I've said. I cast my eyes downward, unable to meet those azure eyes. She simply sits there and looks at me for the longest time, unable to understand what I've said, but, looking at my loosened hair, understanding immediately that I'm being honest, even if I haven't been until now. I can't look at her because I'm certain rejection lies in those eyes. Slowly, she begins to move, leaving the bed where we lay. She pauses to stare at me once more after she's grabbed her handbag. This time, I raise my eyes to meet hers, if only to see her once more. And then she whispers one little phrase.
"Goodbye, Rin."
I can barely let out the words, "See you." Whether I'm saying farewell or whispering her name, begging her to stay, I'm not sure, but, either way, she turns and leaves. I hear her run once she's out the door. And then, even thought she can't hear, because she can't hear, I murmur, "I'm sorry."
And then I lay there, breathing in her scent that still lingers beside me on the bed of this darkened room. Quietly, tears roll down my face. I pretend they're not there. I pretend she's still here, and I whisper out an explanation, one I hadn't given her before she left.
"It was early morning, for me at least. I don't know if that was early for you, but we'd only just woken up. You probably knew that Len was usually the one to grab the newspaper from the porch. You probably didn't even know I existed. But, that one morning, the one morning when I went out, you took me from behind. I couldn't react properly. You called out his name, and, because I'm used to being called that and it was so early, I reacted to it. But I didn't have time to stop you when you bravely forced yourself in front of me and kissed me, thinking I was my brother.
"That was my first kiss, and, to make matters worse, I've loved you for a long time now, Seeu. When you first moved in across the street, four years ago, Len told me all about you. I felt like I got to know you through him. I pretended to be him once in a while to see you. Did you ever notice? I'm not allowed to leave the house, you see, because I'm sick, and Mama and Papa wouldn't let you in, either, if Len ever told you about me and you even considered coming to visit. They don't want you to get infected.
"I should've told you that Len was on a trip, that I wasn't him, but what did I do instead? I tied my hair back in a ponytail like he does and let you believe I was him. I really do love you, Seeu. That's why I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I'm not Len. I'm so sorry that I'm Rin. I'm so sorry."
My parents come in and ask why Seeu was leaving in such a hurry. Then, they notice the bed and they hear me talk, whispering my confession once more, hoping that she'll somehow hear. But she doesn't, and they do.
. . .
I wake up screaming for her, calling out her name, clawing at the air for her hand. I wake up sobbing, begging for her to come back, whispering how much I love her. I wake up covered in sweat, horrified by everything, hating myself so much. I wake up, and there's nothing but darkness around me.
I scream out so loudly, screaming for my parents, screaming for Len, screaming for her, but no one answers. I scream again, and again, and again, but no one will chase away the darkness.
Seeu. I see her on the back of my eyelids. I taste her in my mouth. I smell her scent around me, circling gently like her warm hugs. I feel her arms around me, her lips on me, her hands on me, her eyes on me, her hair whispering against me as she looms overtop of me on the bed. I hear her voice whispering in my ears, but I don't know what she's saying.
Seeu, Seeu, Seeu. What can I do without her? I need her so much. She's a part of me. She's everything that is me. I curl myself into a ball and sob in the darkness. Seeu, Seeu, Seeu. I love her so much. I need her here, with me.
"Have you heard from Rin?" I wish she'd ask Len.
His answer would be, "She's sick," like it's always been. Only, now, she'll know what he means.
I'm so sorry, Seeu. I'm glad I didn't infect her, I guess, but, at the same time, I wish I had. Then she'd be here with me. I'm sick, so Mama and Papa have kept me away from other people so I don't make others sick. They have to make sure I didn't make her sick, so I have to stay down here, in the dark basement.
I wish I could be Len. I wish I could be a boy. I wish I didn't have to be locked down here. I wish I could love Seeu. I wish I'd never told her, but we were so close. A moment after that, she would have discovered, anyway. In any case, I wish she could love me. I wish I could love her. Loving her is in my veins. I can't stop it. This illness runs in my blood, unstoppable, dominating. It's not in hers, not yet. I'm not the one she thought she'd found. I'm just a girl.
I feel her, sitting here with me, rubbing my back and trying to soothe me as I cry. I feel her turn me toward her. I feel her kiss me, but, in this darkness, I can't see her pale blonde hair, her azure eyes. All I can't hear beyond my desperate sobbing is her voice, whispering one little phrase.
"I'm infected."
Author's Note: Drabble-ish since I wrote it without any planning. Kinda just went wherever it did, but I'm satisfied. Let me know what you think. Oh, and whether the ending actually happened or was a delusion or something is left to your own interpretation.