Author's Note: I'm sorry to have killed Thayet...I needed someone really important to kill for this stupid story. Anyways, do NOT read this if you have no sense of humor or feel that I may be insulting. Disclaimer at bottom.
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: It was a typical, humdrum day in the kingdom of Tortall when suddenly, Queen Thayet was found on the floor, dead, unmarked except for her hand. It was an ultra deadly....PAPER CUT. All of the mages in Tortall were called to find out what exactly had happened.
Numair: Well, there was no poison involved, so it was obviously from a dramatic loss of blood. See? *fetches the paper* no poison.
Niko (Niklaren Goldeye): Oh, I see. Wait a minute. What the heck am I doing here, anyways? There's no way I could be part of a stupid story like this.
Daine: You sound pretty stupid.
Niko: That is insulting, young woman.
Daine: I know.
Niko: Why don't you shut up, you little.... little..... retard!!
*Everybody gasps*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: OK, OK, Niko, get out already!
Niko: Why?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Because you don't belong here!
Niko: I'm offended!
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Oh well. Now get out!
Niko: Fine. How do I get out?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Figure it out yourself. No, I'll do it for you.
*Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person makes Niko disappear into the Void That Has Nothing To Do With This Story*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: That's better. Now get on with it, you people!!
Daine: Hey, how come I don't get to go to the Void That Has Nothing To Do With This Story?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Because you have to help solve this case first.
Daine: Darn.
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: So anyways, the mages gathered, and after a lot of boring talking, like this-
Numair: I'm not boring!
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Who cares? I said you're boring, so be boring!!
Numair: Says who?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Says me, Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person! Now get to it!
Numair: Fine, fine. Anyways-
Daine: I don't think you're boring, darling.
Numair: Shut up, you're nothing but a child!
*Daine begins to cry*
Numair: Thank you. Now, as I was saying, we need to employ our top secret CIA Agents...
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: CIA AGENTS?!?!?! WHERE DID THE CIA COME FROM?!?!?!?!?!
Numair: Oh, sorry. I meant...We need to employ our top secret FBI Agents...
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: FBI AGENTS?!?!?!?! YOU DON'T HAVE AN FBI! YOU ARE THE INVESTIGATORS!
All mages: We are?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: YES!! THIS STORY IS ALL ABOUT HOW THE MOST INSIGNIFICANT OF YOU SOLVES THE CRIME AND GAINS TONS OF GLORY!
Numair: Hey! How come I don't get to solve the crime?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: You're too stuck-up. Now get on with it!!
*With a BANG!!, the Three...no..FOUR Musketeers (If you don't get it, then GO READ THE BOOK!!!) appear*
The Four Musketeers: ONE FOR TWO, AND ALL FOR FIVE!!!
D'Artagnan: Damn. 2347868254745th time saying that and we still haven't gotten it right. We gotta practice that.
*With a POOF!, they disappear*
Numair: Humph. So anyways, we must use up every last bit of our Gifts to find who gave the Queen this drastic paper cut.
Insignificant Little Boy: *with a lisp* So how do we that, Mister Sir Numair Salmalin?
Numair: Look at the DNA that might have been left on the paper...
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT DNA IS!!!!
Numair: Then how, Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Hey...that's Mr. Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person to you, wimp. And you were supposed to trace the magic!!! If you had read your iscript/I, you would know!
Numair: What script?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: AAAAAAAArrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!!!
Daine: You're stupid, Numair.
*Numair glares at her. She starts crying again*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Fine then. I will tell this story.
Numair: Makes sense. You're the Story Teller Person.
*Everybody laughs at this smart-aleck remark*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Shut up.
*Numair and everybody snickers*
*Numair stares at a mirror on the wall, thus hypnotizing himself. He then forces himself to jump into a pool of starving great white sharks who miraculously don't eat him, but his toxic crayons instead. When Numair begins to cry, they bite him. All 1837456254284756 of them. This was done for no apparent reason...*
Numair: That didn't feel too good... Why did I do that anyways?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: I don't know, but you really shouldn't do that to yourself. Would you shut up now?
Numair: Uh...no!
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: You're really asking to be thrown into a pool of starving Geese (A/N: note the capital letter), aren't you?
Numair: What are the Geese?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: They are like normal geese but they like to eat Mice.
Numair: Mice?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Yea, they are like normal mice but they like to eat *whispers in Numair's ear*
Numair: Um...oh...
*The Four Musketeers arrive in a big cloud of smoke with a KABOOM!*
The Four Musketeers: SIX FOR FIFTY THOUSAND, AND A PIG FOR A FRANC!!!!
Porthos (One of the Musketeers): Why not a pig for a half-franc?
*The Four Musketeers disappear looking confused at the weird remark*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Um...anyways, the mages investigated this for five thousand years. In the meanwhile, they forgot to bury Queen Thayet's body and it rotted and stank like heck. The Geese eventually ate it.
*~Five Thousand Years Later~*
*Yoda appears*
Yoda: Look like a bald wrinkled green cat I do. Use the Force well you must. See nothing I do. Be gone I will be.
*Yoda disappears*
Insignificant Little Boy (Remember him?): *Still with a lisp* I know who did this!
Numair: How could you, you Insignificant Little Boy? Even I don't know, and nobody's better than me!
Daine: I am.
Numair: Shut up.
Daine: *mutters* You idiot.
*Numair glares at her. She starts to cry*
*Pocahontas appears*
Pocahontas: You must sing with all the voices of the mountain. You must paint with all the colors of the wind!
*Pocahontas disappears*
Insignificant Little Boy: Umm... Anyways, after five thousand years of investigating this stupid case, we are miraculously still alive and still the same freakin' age!!!
King Jon (Oooo...his 1st appearance): *In a voice like he thinks everybody loves him. In truth, nobody does* Did you hear that, my loyal loving subjects? That's high treason, it is!!!
*Everybody stares at him incredulously*
King Jon: Guards! Go arrest Insignificant Little Boy! (A/N: Notice that Insignificant Little Boy doesn't really have a name...)
Insignificant Little Boy: Queen Thayet did it to herself!
King Jon: No! Never!
*Insignificant Little Boy runs back*
Insignificant Little Boy: Yes, she did! And the penalty for such a crime is death! *laughs insanely*
King Jon: No, you little brat!
Little Brat (aka Insignificant Little Boy): Yea she did.
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: SHUT UP YOU STUPID PEOPLE!
Little Brat: You're not a very nice Story Teller Person.
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: I DON'T CARE!!!
Little Brat: You should
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: No I shouldn't.
Little Brat: Yes you should.
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: ACK! Shut up, you little obsessive-compulsive freak!
*Everybody in the room oooohs and starts chanting, "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!"*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Shut up, you idiots!
*Everybody starts crying*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: *Sighs* Yes, Insigini- er...Little Brat is right. The Queen gave herself a paper cut.
Numair: Why didn't you just tell us earlier? Because of you, we wasted five thousand years of life!
*Balto the Sled Dog From Alaska appears*
Balto the Sled Dog From Alaska: Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf ruff!!!!! (translation: Everybody here looks like a nice healthy block of Alaskan ice!)
*Balto the Sled Dog From Alaska disappears, leaving a trail of... erm... doggy stuff...*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Uh... right. Anyways, you wouldn't live that long anyways. But because I am the narrator, I know all. And I am not allowed to tell you lower lifeforms everything I know!
Numair: *whispers to Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person* Do you know about my affair with Varice?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: DAINE! NUMAIR'S HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH VARICE!!!
*Daine gasps, slaps Numair, and runs off sobbing with a Henry the Banana*
Numair: Ow. *Rubbing the cheek Daine slapped* That hurt. Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person, why does she have a banana?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Erm...Henry the Banana is her friend.
Numair: What's she gonna do with Henry the Banana?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: That should be obvious.
Numair: She's gonna have an affair with it!!! NOOOOO!!! DAINE!!!!!! *Tries to run after Daine*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: *Holds Numair back* OK, freak. First of all, you betrayed her. Second of all, she's going to Ieat/i Henry the Banana, stupid.
Numair: Oh. Why Henry the Banana?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: You don't even know what a banana is. You didn't even know Daine had a friend name Henry the Banana!
Numair: I though it was Pierre the Pear!
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Well it isn't.
*And the imaginary curtain falls on the imaginary stage, and when everybody realizes the stage is imaginary, they fall down, except for Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person because the narrator is never allowed to fall or be otherwise disgraceful*
So...tell me what you think! It's stupid, but see disclaimer.
Disclaimer: OK, the TP characters (Numair, Daine, King Jon) are not mine, but Insignificant Little Boy (aka Little Brat) and Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person ARE mine. The toxic crayons now belong to Numair, because I don't want them anymore, and Henry the Banana belongs to Daine for the same reason. Neither the FBI nor the CIA belongs to me, because they belong to the government. The DNA also doesn't belong to me...it belongs to whoever's DNA it is. I don't know whose it is. I also do not own the Musketeers, Yoda, Pocahontas, or Balto. I respect them all, but they just have nothing to do with this stuff... Oh, and this screwed-up plot is mine, too. Now please review! And I will accept flames because...let's face it...this IS stupid.
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: It was a typical, humdrum day in the kingdom of Tortall when suddenly, Queen Thayet was found on the floor, dead, unmarked except for her hand. It was an ultra deadly....PAPER CUT. All of the mages in Tortall were called to find out what exactly had happened.
Numair: Well, there was no poison involved, so it was obviously from a dramatic loss of blood. See? *fetches the paper* no poison.
Niko (Niklaren Goldeye): Oh, I see. Wait a minute. What the heck am I doing here, anyways? There's no way I could be part of a stupid story like this.
Daine: You sound pretty stupid.
Niko: That is insulting, young woman.
Daine: I know.
Niko: Why don't you shut up, you little.... little..... retard!!
*Everybody gasps*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: OK, OK, Niko, get out already!
Niko: Why?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Because you don't belong here!
Niko: I'm offended!
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Oh well. Now get out!
Niko: Fine. How do I get out?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Figure it out yourself. No, I'll do it for you.
*Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person makes Niko disappear into the Void That Has Nothing To Do With This Story*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: That's better. Now get on with it, you people!!
Daine: Hey, how come I don't get to go to the Void That Has Nothing To Do With This Story?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Because you have to help solve this case first.
Daine: Darn.
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: So anyways, the mages gathered, and after a lot of boring talking, like this-
Numair: I'm not boring!
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Who cares? I said you're boring, so be boring!!
Numair: Says who?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Says me, Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person! Now get to it!
Numair: Fine, fine. Anyways-
Daine: I don't think you're boring, darling.
Numair: Shut up, you're nothing but a child!
*Daine begins to cry*
Numair: Thank you. Now, as I was saying, we need to employ our top secret CIA Agents...
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: CIA AGENTS?!?!?! WHERE DID THE CIA COME FROM?!?!?!?!?!
Numair: Oh, sorry. I meant...We need to employ our top secret FBI Agents...
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: FBI AGENTS?!?!?!?! YOU DON'T HAVE AN FBI! YOU ARE THE INVESTIGATORS!
All mages: We are?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: YES!! THIS STORY IS ALL ABOUT HOW THE MOST INSIGNIFICANT OF YOU SOLVES THE CRIME AND GAINS TONS OF GLORY!
Numair: Hey! How come I don't get to solve the crime?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: You're too stuck-up. Now get on with it!!
*With a BANG!!, the Three...no..FOUR Musketeers (If you don't get it, then GO READ THE BOOK!!!) appear*
The Four Musketeers: ONE FOR TWO, AND ALL FOR FIVE!!!
D'Artagnan: Damn. 2347868254745th time saying that and we still haven't gotten it right. We gotta practice that.
*With a POOF!, they disappear*
Numair: Humph. So anyways, we must use up every last bit of our Gifts to find who gave the Queen this drastic paper cut.
Insignificant Little Boy: *with a lisp* So how do we that, Mister Sir Numair Salmalin?
Numair: Look at the DNA that might have been left on the paper...
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT DNA IS!!!!
Numair: Then how, Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Hey...that's Mr. Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person to you, wimp. And you were supposed to trace the magic!!! If you had read your iscript/I, you would know!
Numair: What script?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: AAAAAAAArrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!!!
Daine: You're stupid, Numair.
*Numair glares at her. She starts crying again*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Fine then. I will tell this story.
Numair: Makes sense. You're the Story Teller Person.
*Everybody laughs at this smart-aleck remark*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Shut up.
*Numair and everybody snickers*
*Numair stares at a mirror on the wall, thus hypnotizing himself. He then forces himself to jump into a pool of starving great white sharks who miraculously don't eat him, but his toxic crayons instead. When Numair begins to cry, they bite him. All 1837456254284756 of them. This was done for no apparent reason...*
Numair: That didn't feel too good... Why did I do that anyways?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: I don't know, but you really shouldn't do that to yourself. Would you shut up now?
Numair: Uh...no!
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: You're really asking to be thrown into a pool of starving Geese (A/N: note the capital letter), aren't you?
Numair: What are the Geese?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: They are like normal geese but they like to eat Mice.
Numair: Mice?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Yea, they are like normal mice but they like to eat *whispers in Numair's ear*
Numair: Um...oh...
*The Four Musketeers arrive in a big cloud of smoke with a KABOOM!*
The Four Musketeers: SIX FOR FIFTY THOUSAND, AND A PIG FOR A FRANC!!!!
Porthos (One of the Musketeers): Why not a pig for a half-franc?
*The Four Musketeers disappear looking confused at the weird remark*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Um...anyways, the mages investigated this for five thousand years. In the meanwhile, they forgot to bury Queen Thayet's body and it rotted and stank like heck. The Geese eventually ate it.
*~Five Thousand Years Later~*
*Yoda appears*
Yoda: Look like a bald wrinkled green cat I do. Use the Force well you must. See nothing I do. Be gone I will be.
*Yoda disappears*
Insignificant Little Boy (Remember him?): *Still with a lisp* I know who did this!
Numair: How could you, you Insignificant Little Boy? Even I don't know, and nobody's better than me!
Daine: I am.
Numair: Shut up.
Daine: *mutters* You idiot.
*Numair glares at her. She starts to cry*
*Pocahontas appears*
Pocahontas: You must sing with all the voices of the mountain. You must paint with all the colors of the wind!
*Pocahontas disappears*
Insignificant Little Boy: Umm... Anyways, after five thousand years of investigating this stupid case, we are miraculously still alive and still the same freakin' age!!!
King Jon (Oooo...his 1st appearance): *In a voice like he thinks everybody loves him. In truth, nobody does* Did you hear that, my loyal loving subjects? That's high treason, it is!!!
*Everybody stares at him incredulously*
King Jon: Guards! Go arrest Insignificant Little Boy! (A/N: Notice that Insignificant Little Boy doesn't really have a name...)
Insignificant Little Boy: Queen Thayet did it to herself!
King Jon: No! Never!
*Insignificant Little Boy runs back*
Insignificant Little Boy: Yes, she did! And the penalty for such a crime is death! *laughs insanely*
King Jon: No, you little brat!
Little Brat (aka Insignificant Little Boy): Yea she did.
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: SHUT UP YOU STUPID PEOPLE!
Little Brat: You're not a very nice Story Teller Person.
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: I DON'T CARE!!!
Little Brat: You should
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: No I shouldn't.
Little Brat: Yes you should.
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: ACK! Shut up, you little obsessive-compulsive freak!
*Everybody in the room oooohs and starts chanting, "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!"*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Shut up, you idiots!
*Everybody starts crying*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: *Sighs* Yes, Insigini- er...Little Brat is right. The Queen gave herself a paper cut.
Numair: Why didn't you just tell us earlier? Because of you, we wasted five thousand years of life!
*Balto the Sled Dog From Alaska appears*
Balto the Sled Dog From Alaska: Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf ruff!!!!! (translation: Everybody here looks like a nice healthy block of Alaskan ice!)
*Balto the Sled Dog From Alaska disappears, leaving a trail of... erm... doggy stuff...*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Uh... right. Anyways, you wouldn't live that long anyways. But because I am the narrator, I know all. And I am not allowed to tell you lower lifeforms everything I know!
Numair: *whispers to Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person* Do you know about my affair with Varice?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: DAINE! NUMAIR'S HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH VARICE!!!
*Daine gasps, slaps Numair, and runs off sobbing with a Henry the Banana*
Numair: Ow. *Rubbing the cheek Daine slapped* That hurt. Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person, why does she have a banana?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Erm...Henry the Banana is her friend.
Numair: What's she gonna do with Henry the Banana?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: That should be obvious.
Numair: She's gonna have an affair with it!!! NOOOOO!!! DAINE!!!!!! *Tries to run after Daine*
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: *Holds Numair back* OK, freak. First of all, you betrayed her. Second of all, she's going to Ieat/i Henry the Banana, stupid.
Numair: Oh. Why Henry the Banana?
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: You don't even know what a banana is. You didn't even know Daine had a friend name Henry the Banana!
Numair: I though it was Pierre the Pear!
Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person: Well it isn't.
*And the imaginary curtain falls on the imaginary stage, and when everybody realizes the stage is imaginary, they fall down, except for Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person because the narrator is never allowed to fall or be otherwise disgraceful*
So...tell me what you think! It's stupid, but see disclaimer.
Disclaimer: OK, the TP characters (Numair, Daine, King Jon) are not mine, but Insignificant Little Boy (aka Little Brat) and Baklakviaklaglosshia the Story Teller Person ARE mine. The toxic crayons now belong to Numair, because I don't want them anymore, and Henry the Banana belongs to Daine for the same reason. Neither the FBI nor the CIA belongs to me, because they belong to the government. The DNA also doesn't belong to me...it belongs to whoever's DNA it is. I don't know whose it is. I also do not own the Musketeers, Yoda, Pocahontas, or Balto. I respect them all, but they just have nothing to do with this stuff... Oh, and this screwed-up plot is mine, too. Now please review! And I will accept flames because...let's face it...this IS stupid.