There was a knock on her door, "Liz." Aram called out before peaking his head inside her office.

Lizzie jumped out of her chair a little bit- clearly startled and secretly thankful for an interruption- a reason to avoid all thoughts and feelings bombarding her mind and leaving her restless and unable to concentrate on anything else but a few simple words, a sentence that left her speechless, an indifference that made her mind reel and her heart sink to the bottom of her stomach.

She thought he had no boundaries when it came to her, she believed that their push and pull would continued uninterrupted- she had convinced herself that he made exceptions for her, that she could drag him to the end of the world and he would follow. That anything could come out of her mouth and any action whether it be lethal or intentionally hurtful could be executed and he would still find pity or forgiveness for her actions. She wasn't prepared for his sudden withdrawal- his unwillingness to show emotion of any kind towards her and this charade of keeping her at arms length was driving her to the brink of insanity.

He was right.

As much as her pride tried to block the unwanted feelings and as hard as her mind tried to deny the reason for her actions- her heart was a completely different story.

She has learned that you can't shut off your heart to the things you don't want it to feel, it has a mind of its own and she can't control the fear that resonates so deep within but yet so close to the surface, filling up every area of space and the daunting task of pretending that it doesn't exist- that she doesn't fear that Raymond Reddington will walk out of her life just as fast as he walked into it.

How does this man have the power to read her like an open book? She was suppose to be the profiler and him the criminal but the roles seem to be reversed. He saved her again- she should of known it was him, but she was too wrapped up in her own turmoil to wonder why or how- so instead she had just breathed a sigh of relief and coughed it up to the luck of the draw.

"I believe I know the reason why you don't want me to have the fulcrum..."

"Because your afraid... Once you give it to me, you'll be of no further use to me and you'll never see me again."

The one sided conversation kept replaying in her mind, the cogs in her head turning until she was spinning out of control. She analyzed and reanalyzed his words, his actions, the man behind the notoriety. It was sick and perverse and she felt like she was driving herself to the brink of insanity.

Goddamn it; she wished she didn't feel this way but he was spot on, he hit the nail right on the head and she couldn't even offer up a rebuttal or denial because it was written all over her face- he could see it clear as the day before he turned around in his stool and diverted his gaze. If only he would of kept his eyes on her, she might have found the nerve to ask the questions that lingered between them- but he turned away.

She was losing him, even before surrendering the fulcrum. She wanted to continue to play the push and pull game; but he didn't. She doesn't want to lose him, cant imagine her life without him- she finds solace in him, she finds a sense of belonging in him, and she cant imagine her world without him in it- and that scares the hell out of her. When did she start to feel this way? She knew she was possessive of him, she had even admitted the feeling out loud but she was blind to the growing attachment she had formed toward him, he made her feel like she had someone.

A man who would burn the world to ashes in her honor, (but now she realized that it wasn't her honor he was protecting; it was something she possessed) he made her feel like he was home; he made her feel more than just safe; she felt like she was loved- unconditionally, selflessly, wholeheartedly.

How sad that it wasn't her that made his world spin.

"Ummm, Liz?" Aram repeated with knitted eyebrows as he made his way inside her office. "Are you okay?, you look like I startled you out of your thoughts." He questioned, genuinely curious and concerned.

Lizzie shook her dismissively and deliberately trying to clear her mind of her thoughts and focus her attention on Aram.

"I was just thinking about something irrelevant." She gave him a subtle smile and nervously tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "Whats up?" She asked, trying to shift conversation.

He gave her a slight nod and perched his lips, walking over and sitting himself down on the chair in front of her desk.

"I just wanted to know if you have spoken to Mr. Reddington, I cant reach him."

"You have his number?" Liz questioned skeptically.

Aram shifted in his seat, "Ummm, Yeah, I have one of his burner cell numbers but he's not answering," He opened his mouth to continue but stopped, shifted uncomfortably again, and then started to blab incoherently, "But he doesn't talk to me about the blacklisters," He gave her a nervous chuckle, "Every one knows Mr. Reddington only speaks to "Elizabeth Keen", I'm just really concerned about the phone call Mr. Reddington asked me track, I know it led to a dead end but I might have another lead, I ran some other diagnostics, but I haven't heard from him since he told me that he had to miss the meeting because he had to take care of something for you, I just assumed you would be able to reach him faster than I could."

Lizzie furrowed her eyebrows and worried her bottom lip as his words registered.

"Meeting?," She inquired, "He missed a meeting?"

"Yeah, you know, the meeting about the safe that Alan Fitch tried to give Mr. Reddington the location and lock code to before he exploded in the box..." The more Aram talked, the faster he realized she had no idea what he was talking about. He gulped slowly as beads of sweat started to form on his forehead, clearly realizing that she had no idea and that he should of kept his mouth shut.

"Oh my God, you don't know, Mr. Reddington is going to kill me isn't he?" He asked, "At this point I wouldn't blame him, Oh God, I'm so stupid..." He jumped out of his chair and circled the room back and forth, nervously running his hand through his hair and talking way too fast for Liz to register what he was saying.

Liz stood up and came around her desk, "Calm down, Red is not going to hurt you, he obviously has a liking towards you if he trusted you enough to ask you for help."

"He always makes sure to remind me that everything we do is confidential, even though I already am aware of that but I just thought since you two,,,, I mean you guys are close, I mean I don't know how close you two are per-se, I'm not implying anything," He bit the inside of his cheek and shook his head as to prove a point, "I mean I know that you probably know that everyone has their speculations and assumptions, but even if the rumors are true, Mr. Reddington might be a criminal but he's a good man underneath the facade, and he's charming, and knows how to dress, and he might be losing his hair, but so am I and it still doesn't make him any less handsome. Theres just something about the big bad criminal seducing the fragile innocent girl that makes peoples minds and gossip run wild."

Lizzie stared at the ground, clearly just as nervous as he after hearing his words.

Is he a good man? Yes, he could be. He saved her more than once, he warned her of Tom, he brought Tom to her. He cleaned up her mess. He saved a dying mans life.

Is he charming? Yes, maybe he is a little charming. Him- with his fedora and his voice- Hs little quirks like biting the inside of his cheek or the involuntary twitch of his eye. The way he tells stories- so captivating, so effortless, so Red. And that voice- like a 100 year old single malt scotch.

Is he handsome? He's not too bad to look at. Him and those three piece suits that fit him like a glove; broad shoulders and muscular biceps- and his ass. His self assurance and cockiness, the confidence and bravado that oozes from his pores. His long blonde eye-lashes and perfectly shaped sideburns, those green eyes that look at her like she is the reason he lives and breathes, and that mouth- those lips...

She blushed deeply, What has gotten into her? Why is it becoming harder and harder not to notice or acknowledge that with every unfavorable quality that Red possessed, there was another greater quality that tipped the scale in his favor? That made him that more human; that more appealing.

"I mean, he came out the box for you, he almost killed agent Ressler so he could get the code to sign himself up for imminent death on your behalf, if thats not love, then I don't know what is, and then he missed out on one of the most important meetings because he said you needed him, I don't know what was so important but he didn't even contemplate between the two of you."

"Aram stop pacing back and forth, your making me dizzy." She sighed heavily, "Has anyone told you that you blab a lot when your nervous?" She asked with a hint of something between flabbergasted and finding his situation humorous.

"Yeah, its a nervous habit, especially when your dealing with a man like Mr. Reddington, you don't see it because your not afraid of him, because your his world, but for the rest of us, he's intimidating and I'm not ashamed to say... I'm kinda afraid of him, so please don't tell him anything I just said." He turned and stared at her, his eyes pleading with her as his feet shuffled together (another nervous habit), she guessed.

"Your secret is safe with me, Aram."

He loud out a breath of relief, his features immediately relaxing.

"Ok... I'm gonna go..." He shuffled to the door after Liz gave him a reassuring nod, "But if you hear from-..."

"I'll let him know your trying to reach him." Liz stated before he could finish.

She shut the door behind him and leaned against it. She was thankful that Aram was so caught up with his own rant and word vomit that he didn't have time to register the emotions that played across her face, she was thankful that he was preoccupied because she was sure that her face would give away her thoughts and feelings and that Aram would have reason to believe the speculations towards her relationship with Red.

Why is it that every time she lost hope- lost faith in him, that he would do something to redeem himself, and not just some small minuscule gesture, but something so big and profound- something that made her feel like she was irreplaceable to him.

Damn him and his grand gestures.

Why did it take so much energy? Why was her body drained? Why did it require so much effort to hate him?

And why was it so incredibly easy to love him?

love?

She let out a defeated sob. Shaking her head "No" fighting a battle within, trying so hard to keep those feelings at bay, to not spill that can of worms. It would be so much easier to say "no."

But her mind had lost this battle may times before.

When would she admit defeat? When would she retreat?

It was time for the war to come to an end.

Did she love him?

Yes.