Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 2
EPISODE 23
Airdate: March 23, 2014
Title: The Incredible Anja Saleh
Segway Segment: RoundTable ("Who do you think is part of the new class of pop music?")
Special Guest Stars: None
Satire/Social Commentary: None
Written by Michael "frostyfreezyfreeze54" Anderson, animated by Louis Bennett, storyboarded by Tomas Greenberg, directed by Jay Lender
COLD OPEN
Testicular Sound Express is in Sparky's living room. They all look pretty serious.
SPARKY: Good evening everybody. Welcome to the show.
BUSTER: Originally, this was supposed to be Part V of the St. Patrick's Day Quintet.
RK: But there are a lot of idiots that make this show and didn't plan very well so this is coming to you this week as an episode with no theme.
WADE: But hey, here's the best part. In one week, we travel to New Orleans for WrestleMania XXX in a one-hour special. Or maybe not, we're not sure yet.
JAYLYNN: Yes, the WrestleMania episode of Thank You, Heavenly might be on a weekday. We're kinda meh about that. It's like it's going to be an after-school special no one ever wanted.
SPARKY: We know this is kind of nihilistic to see, so let's get started.
RK: If somebody makes a cutaway that's not related to the plot tonight, I'm going to start snapping necks.
JAYLYNN: Do you ever snap someone's neck?
RK: I'll snap YOUR neck if you try me!
JAYLYNN: Oh, because you're a boy and I'm a girl?
RK: Oh, don't hit me with that backwards generation sexist argument, Jaylynn! You know...
JAYLYNN: WHAT?!
(RK and Jaylynn start arguing while Sparky, Buster, and Wade all look bored; they then turn to the camera)
SPARKY: Please enjoy the show tonight. We're begging you.
BUSTER: It's a miracle we get paid at all.
WADE: Just so you guys know, this happens a LOT.
SCENE 1
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky and RK are there looking spiffy. There's a banner above them saying "Welcome Anja!" in yellow lettering with a blue background. Sparky has on a long-sleeved white button down shirt, black tie, black pants, and loafers. RK is wearing the same military commander outfit Rakim wore in the video for "Move the Crowd")
SPARKY: RK, don't you think you're overdoing it with that outfit?
RK: Sparky, for me, every day is a spectacle. Besides, don't YOU think we're overdoing it with this whole "Let's pretend we like Jaylynn's new friend" dinner?
SPARKY: This is really important to Jaylynn. Anja is the first girl she's grown close to since she moved here and she's really excited about us meeting here so let's just give her this one.
RK: Well, when you put it that way, we can do this for Jaylynn.
SPARKY: By the way, I thought you didn't have enough money to pay for that outfit. Isn't it part of the "Move the Crowd" set?
RK: Yeah, I got a big tax refund and I was able to pay for 'em.
SPARKY: That doesn't make any sense. The government gives us money, what taxes do you do?
RK: Don't over-analyze this, please. I got the outfits and we can rejoice at that.
SPARKY: I'm not personally affected either way, but I appreciate you being inclusive.
(Buster and Wade walk in looking similar to Sparky: Buster has on a green tie with slicked-back hair and Wade has on a vest with buttons)
WADE: The next time we decide to carpool someplace, I'm driving.
BUSTER: It's not my fault. That old lady was going Mach-2 in a 45-mile zone, I had to say something.
WADE: Because you were going slower than EPMD in the bathroom!
(long pause; Buster tries to understand Wade's attempt at humor)
BUSTER: What?
SPARKY: Buster, this is a black tie event.
BUSTER: I wanted to be an individual. Besides, it's a nice shade of green. Isn't it a nice shade, Wade?
WADE: Yes, you asked me that question five times in the car and I gave you the same (bleep) response each time.
(Jaylynn and Anja walk in; neither of them are dressing fancy, Anja due to her Muslim faith and Jaylynn because that's the way she rolls)
JAYLYNN: We're here!
ANJA: Hello everybody, I've heard Jaylynn can't keep her mouth shut about me.
JAYLYNN: When you meet someone as cool as Anja, you HAVE to spread the word.
ANJA: Awwwwww.
(long pause)
WADE: So her voice is high-pitched too?
SPARKY: Jaylynn, you could've dressed up like us, you know.
JAYLYNN: I'm sorry, I forgot to write that down during the meeting.
RK: You know what? It's cool with me. At the end of the day, I still look hot. Hey Buster, check out the fabric on my jacket.
BUSTER: Dude, I really don't want to.
RK: Check it out.
(Buster sighs, and feels RK's sleeve)
BUSTER: Wow, this is a really nice texture...
(RK whacks Buster in the head with his commander's stick)
RK: HA! Let that be a lesson to you. Never trust the captain. (chuckles) Are you OK? BUSTER?!
ANJA: Does this happen a lot?
JAYLYNN: I don't know. RK tends to mix it up a little with the tomfoolery.
SCENE 2
The MacDougal Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
Testicular Sound Express and Asil are sitting down to eat.
BUSTER: I still can't believe you gave me this black eye, RK.
RK: I told you I was sorry ten times already.
SPARKY: You're going to have to make it up to Buster, RK.
RK: Alright. Hey Buster. How about you and I go to SONIC Drive-In tomorrow?
BUSTER: Can we take advantage of Happy Hour?
RK: It would be a sin not to. We have all the drinks we want, we take some Skittles, we could kiss...
BUSTER: WHAT?!
RK: Hey, Ashley isn't the only option here.
WADE: So, Anja, Jaylynn here tells me you're pretty religious. What's it like adhering to the Muslim faith?
ANJA: It's great, a lot more normal than you think. I mean, you won't see me in a tank top or blue jeans any time soon but my life is just like yours.
WADE: Great. You know, it's a crying shame how Muslims are constantly painted in the media as terrorists.
SPARKY: Yo RK.
RK: Yo.
SPARKY: I think Wade's trying to mack on Anja.
RK: Well, yeah. Jaylynn dropped the ball on him, what do you think Anja will do?
SPARKY: I don't know, but Wade has his love game on.
ANJA: I mean, it really annoys me when a white guy bombs a place and people think he's crazy. A Muslim guy bombs a place and everybody thinks all the Muslim people are terrorists. It's 2014 and we still have to deal with this crap?
(to Buster) WADE: You know, I wouldn't mind taking Anja to the bar for a drink and make a toast.
BUSTER: You really want to put yourself out there again? Remember what happened last time?
(The camera cuts to Jaylynn, who looks disinterested)
BUSTER: What the (bleep) was that?!
SPARKY: Anja, I'm pretty sure I've seen you around, I could recognize that blue hijab somewhere.
ANJA: Yeah, I go to Mona Robinson.
RK: My friend Sanna goes there!
ANJA: Yeah, I know her, she's awesome.
RK: I know, right? You know, I wouldn't mind splitting Sanna in half if you catch my drift.
ANJA: O...K? (chuckles)
BUSTER: I have to say, she's kinda cute. Most Muslim girls are just assholes and I don't know why.
WADE: I guess we've hit the jackpot with Anja, you know? And...Buster, put that ice back on, that black eye is really getting to me.
(Buster sighs and puts the ice pack he got to soothe his black eye back on)
BUSTER: You know what? Just for that, you're riding home with RK.
WADE: Good. At least he drives like a regular human being.
BUSTER: You're a jackass.
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Jaylynn and Anja are leaving the house. The black coat Anja brought to the house is given to her by Jaylynn.)
SPARKY: Well, guys, I'm glad you could make it. Anja, it was a thrill to meet you.
ANJA: Thanks. It was fun to meet you guys also. Jaylynn, you have some really cool friends.
JAYLYNN: Well, you know how it is. Good people keep good company.
WADE: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she had a lot to tell you before you two got here.
RK: Hey Anja, remember the handshake.
(RK and Anja do an awkward version of the handshake where you lock hands near the end)
ANJA: It needs work, doesn't it? (chuckles)
RK: Yeah, but we can pick it up some other time.
(Buster no longer needs the ice pack, but his black eye is still pretty noticeable)
JAYLYNN: Bye guys.
ANJA: Bye guys.
SPARKY, BUSTER, RK, AND WADE: Bye!
(Jaylynn and Anja leave the house)
SPARKY: Buster, you sure you don't want to put that thing on ice?
BUSTER: I don't know, maybe when I get home. And you, you're going to remember our plans tomorrow.
RK: I'll wear my lucky pair of tighty-whities for the occasion.
BUSTER: What's so lucky about them?
RK: I wore them the day I met Justin Timberlake at an autograph signing. But then he sprayed me with pepper spray for some strange reason.
WADE: I think he meant to spray the guy in front of you who was acting like a dick.
RK: Oh. Well, in that case, I'm suing that bastard immediately.
Meanwhile, Jaylynn and Anja are in Jaylynn's car.
(while driving) JAYLYNN: You sure you don't want a blunt?
ANJA: Nah, I hate that stuff. And are you sure it's safe to drive high?
JAYLYNN: Of course it is. I've been doing this since...since...last week.
ANJA: Oh boy. Note to self: Take over the wheel if Jaylynn passes out.
JAYLYNN: I heard that. And don't you worry, pallie. I'm going to be A-OK.
ANJA: Alrighty. Hey, you want to come to my house, stay over, we can have some girl time? I have Mallomars!
JAYLYNN: I don't know. I usually go home and get high around this time. Besides, I've tried staying over with friends in the past. Let's just say I don't feel that comfortable as a guest.
CUTAWAY GAG
Jaylynn is at RK's house for the weekend. She and RK are watching TV and she simply places her glass of Pepsi on the coffee table. RK notices this.
RK: HEY, I SAID USE A COASTER! ARE YOU TRYING (when RK says "trying," he slaps Jaylynn on the arm) TO MAKE ME LOOK I NEED FOOD STAMPS?!
END OF CUTAWAY
ANJA: OK, well I don't know about the coaster situation, but I can assure you that won't happen.
JAYLYNN: Oh, OK. (Jaylynn's eyes have already become red from smoking too much weed throughout the day) Hey Anja, if you got high with me, do you think you could sleep with me?
ANJA: That's gross, don't think like that.
JAYLYNN: I'm just saying, we could weigh the options if you catch my drift.
(From Anja's reaction to Jaylynn saying they could weigh the options, Anja gives Jaylynn an angry stare)
SCENE 4
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Jaylynn and Anja have entered Anja's home)
JAYLYNN: Wow, this is such a nice place.
ANJA: Thanks. Lately, I've taken up to collecting hijabs. Some of them are so beautiful. Like this one right next to the trophy case near the steps.
JAYLYNN: Cobalt blue with gold trim. Sick.
(Jaylynn looks inside the trophy case, and sees some hardware Anja has won)
JAYLYNN: Whoa, what's this big gaping trophy for?
ANJA: I won that in a badminton tournament last year. Lots of people said I couldn't do it, I was too small. But I had a devastating ace shot and that helped me a lot.
JAYLYNN: Hey, who are these girls in the picture?
(The camera pans on the picture in the trophy case, which is of Anja and three other girls, all Muslim as well, wearing volleyball uniforms and holding a trophy)
ANJA: Those are some of my closest friends. We're part of the school volleyball squad. The playoffs just ended last week.
JAYLYNN: Isn't it a coincidence that all your friends are female Muslims?
ANJA: No. Mona Robinson is pretty diverse. We have everybody. Blacks, whites, Asians, Hispanics, Muslims, Native Americans.
JAYLYNN: There are Native Americans in your school? Boy, you live the life of a queen, Anja.
ANJA: (chuckles) Thanks. It's nice to have a friend like you.
JAYLYNN: It's nice to have a friend like you too.
(Jaylynn and Anja hug, and Jaylynn looks at the trophy case in resentment. She lets go of Anja soon after.)
ANJA: Jaylynn, you OK?
JAYLYNN: I'm sorry. I have to go upstairs and...think about my impending laser eye surgery. Yup, have to...surgerize these eyes with, um...lasers.
(Jaylynn runs upstairs)
ANJA: Hurry back, I guess?
(Anja looks inside her coat pocket and finds a note)
ANJA: What the hell? "Dear Anja, you looked ravishing tonight. I would like to take you to the bar for a drink and make a toast. In other words, I want to treat you to dinner. Sincerely yours, Wade." Wow, I haven't been this creeped out since that time I watched The Big Comfy Couch.
(long pause; Anja looks around, expecting a cutaway)
ANJA: Gee, I wonder why that didn't work.
SCENE 5
SONIC Drive-In
Exterior Parking Lot
Seattle, Washington
(Buster and RK are in RK's car, enjoying Happy Hour. They're eating the new Crispy Honey Mustard & Swiss Chicken Sandwich. The swelling in Buster's eye has gone down a bit.
RK: You know, I think stylistically, Tougher Than Leather was different from Raising Hell, better. I felt like I could listen to any song off that album without skipping. I mean, "Miss Elaine" was aight, but every other song was dope. If they released it in 1987, they would have cemented their place as legends.
BUSTER: I don't know about that last thing. I mean, the album changed because rap changed. They started realizing all these new guys were coming in with cool new tricks so they started to imitate what was going on at the time. I mean, I think it's a classic album and everything, but it just felt like Run-DMC was trying to stay relevant.
RK: Fair enough. But I think Tougher Than Leather was Run-DMC's best album.
BUSTER: Hey, weren't we supposed to talk about these sandwiches?
RK: No. What do you think this is, a commercial? Hey, wait a minute!
BUSTER: What?
RK: That guy over there! He's putting a flyer on my car!
(A man is taping a flyer on RK's windshield, and RK storms out of the car to confront him)
RK: Hey, dude, do you care to explain what you're doing? I'm a good Catholic boy, I don't need the service of you Jehovah's Witnesses.
MAN: That's not what this is about. I'm Paul Palladino, owner of this SONIC Drive-In. I'm just promoting the worldwide "What's Your Flavor?" contest.
(leaving the car) BUSTER: RK, what's the deal?
RK: This is Paul Palladino. He owns this SONIC here. Now tell me more about this "What's Your Flavor?" contest.
PAUL: How did you get that black eye, kid?
BUSTER: You don't want to know.
RK: Paul, get this show on the road!
PAUL: Oh, right, well, around the world, we want our valued customers to send in ideas for a new unprecedented SONIC drink.
RK: What?! That's insane, you bugging!
BUSTER: Do you know how many possible drink combinations there are?! You can't try to stretch the limits of creativity. Because when you do that, you're stretching the limits of creativity.
PAUL: You guys need to enter this, I think it will be a hoot for everyone. Around the world, you, the fans, come up with flavor ideas that haven't even been seen before. We consider the idea and the grand prize winner receives a lifetime supply of SONIC drinks and $50,000. It's lasting about a month and the official rules are on our website.
RK: HAVE MERCY! Buster, you and I are entering this, baby.
BUSTER: No way! I don't want to be a part of this. That means I'll have to think too hard.
RK: Well, it looks like I'm just going to have to go it alone. And besides, I haven't done anything adventurous in a while. Well, with the exception of me solving that Super Bowl plot.
BUSTER: That really happened? Wasn't that a dream or something?
(annoyed) RK: No, that really happened.
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(Sparky and Jaylynn are on the couch)
JAYLYNN: So that's why I came to you, Sparky.
SPARKY: Wait, you're jealous of Anja because of all the trophies she has? Why?
JAYLYNN: I look inferior next to her. What am I going to tell the others? From now on, whenever they see Anja, they're going to see a champion. And when they see me, they're going to see a waste of time. Well, I don't know about Wade. He might see a waste of time and a bag of milk.
SPARKY: Look, Jaylynn, I don't see why this should be bothering you. You always say that trophies are just pieces of hardware that don't validate a person's merits.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, well, that was before I realized that I DON'T HAVE ONE! (Jaylynn realizes she just flew off the handle) Sorry.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, I don't think you really need to compete with Anja. She's won these trophies because she's been active outside of school. After school tomorrow, why don't you sign up for something you might like?
JAYLYNN: You're so right, Sparky. All I need is a trophy to look good next to Anja.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, that's not what I meant.
JAYLYNN: Thanks Sparky. I'm glad we had this talk. You're an amazing friend.
(Jaylynn kisses Sparky on the head and leaves)
SPARKY: Oh, Jaylynn is such a sweetheart. Wait a minute. DAMN, I let her manipulate me! I feel like an idiot. Even more so than when Buster uses three-way on the phone.
CUTAWAY GAG
RK: Look, I just think it doesn't make sense. Right, Buster?
WADE: Buster probably has more of an inclination to agree with me. Right, Buster?
BUSTER: WHO AM I TALKING TO RIGHT NOW?!
END OF CUTAWAY
SCENE 7
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
(There are plenty of papers on the floor with drink flavor combination ideas. RK is hard at work with pencil and paper.)
RK: Lemonade cola? No, too unsophisticated. Grape margarita? Nah, too mature.
(KG walks through the front door)
KG: What the hell? RK, did you have sex with a tree or something?
RK: KG, you can't have sex with trees. Branches are acceptable though.
KG: OK, what's going on then?
RK: I tell you, one time I saw this really sexy branch. It was actually a month ago and I was thinking about Ashley so I pleasured myself. Boy, that branch was HOT. I haven't had a rush like that since I had sex with that log. It was harder, I'll leave it at that, just harder.
KG: RK!
RK: I'm entering the SONIC "What's Your Flavor?" contest.
KG: You're entering THAT? Well, you're an idiot.
RK: And you're an oddity. I think you're just jealous because when I get that cash, I'm moving out. I'm going to have two Caucasian brunettes with childlike voices and giggles, a talking car that can drive itself just decent enough, and a butler named Pimberton. He's the type that comes up with sharp, witty jokes but no one ever pays attention because he's just a stupid butler.
KG: RK, I sincerely doubt you're going to win. It's like the lottery. If you enter expecting to win, you're going to lose.
RK: Lose what?
KG: Nothing.
RK: Well, if I'm losing nothing, I should 100% expect to wipe the floor with the competition. Then, black people will recognize me as a visionary.
KG: What do black people have to do with this?
RK: When I win, I'm going to sell the drink in inner-city areas. No sperm killers at all. I'll be a bigger hit with the kids than Milli Vanilli.
KG: Isn't one of them dead?
RK: Yes, which is why I'm going to stop talking about them at this point.
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky, Buster, and Wade are watching TV.
WADE: Buster, I don't see what the big deal is here.
SPARKY: Me neither.
BUSTER: It doesn't make sense. Why cut out the middleman? I mean, what did HE do?
(Jaylynn comes through the door looking beat-up; She has a couple bandages on her arms and face)
WADE: Jaylynn, you look like you just came off the set of Django.
SPARKY: Dude, what the hell happened?!
JAYLYNN: I tried out for a couple sports teams because they might have trophies to give out or other accolades that will make me look good next to Anja.
BUSTER: You play sports?
JAYLYNN: Not exactly. I tried volleyball.
CUTAWAY GAG
Jaylynn serves the ball and the girl on the other side spikes it, hitting her on the nose.
JAYLYNN: OW, MY NOSE!
END OF CUTAWAY
JAYLYNN: Then I tried soccer.
CUTAWAY GAG
The soccer ball is kicked in the air and Jaylynn attempts to headbutt it, but she misses and falls face-first on the floor.
JAYLYNN: OW, MY HEAD!
END OF CUTAWAY
JAYLYNN: But the weirdest was my experience trying out for the hockey team.
CUTAWAY GAG
Jaylynn skates with the puck and tries to shoot it. It bounces off the wall and goes just above Jaylynn's head trying to slice her.
JAYLYNN: Oh, thank God.
(The volleyball from before comes back to hit Jaylynn in the back of her head, knocking her out)
HALLEY: OW, THE BACK OF MY HEAD!
(The camera pulls back to reveal that Halley is doing Jaylynn's voice. She stares at the camera in shock and runs away.)
END OF CUTAWAY
WADE: Jaylynn, if you really want to feel accomplished, you probably want to feel it in a field that you excel at. Something that inspires you. For example, I've won a couple of trophies in the field of science, you have incredible poetry talent. And the school's annual talent show is this Friday.
JAYLYNN: So?
WADE: You enter the talent show...Win?
JAYLYNN: I'm still not following you.
WADE: Winner gets a trophy.
JAYLYNN: Oh, you should've just said that instead. You're right, Wade! I'm going to go home and work on my act!
(Jaylynn runs out of Sparky's house)
BUSTER: Ah, Jaylynn's going to be part of the school talent show. I remember when I was part of last year's talent show. But nobody liked my attempt at stand-up comedy.
CUTAWAY GAG
Buster is on stage at last year's talent show. He has on a tuxedo.
(using an exaggerated professional voice) BUSTER: Last night, I was wondering to myself, "The mail is so slow." And I was asking, "Why is the mail so slow?" So today, I ran into the mailman and I said, "The mail is so slow." And he said, "The mail is so slow..."
(Buster has a huge smile expecting people to laugh. They don't because he never delivered the punchline. Instead, they all look angry or stone-faced.)
BUSTER: Um, here's my impression of Sammy Davis, Jr. (imitating Sammy Davis, Jr.) Who can turn a lug nut?
(The same situation as before, except this time nobody is laughing because what Buster did can't even be considered a joke)
END OF CUTAWAY
WADE: Buster, do you even know what a punchline is?
BUSTER: No. Why do you ask?
SCENE 9
The Jennings Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
There are a whole bunch of beakers and test tubes on the table filled with juice and soda samples. RK has on a lab coat and goggles. He is facing the camera he put in the kitchen. RK is filming his submission for SONIC. Behind him, there's a sign that says "Science Genis." Actually, the G in "Genis" was put on top of the "P" he had originally put and crossed out.
RK: Alright. I, Dr. Ryan Kennedy Jennings, am a drink aficionado and a connoisseur of beverages first and foremost. And now, to all the people at SONIC that have brought us fabulous drink combinations for years, here is your newest submission in the "What's Your Flavor?" competition. Grapefruit Voltage. (holds up the cup of Grapefruit Voltage) Mountain Dew Voltage with ruby red grapefruit juice. (takes a sip and spits it out instantly upon realizing it tastes horrible; starts breathing heavily) After...months of...painstaking research...I can conclude...that this is the WORST (BLEEP) THING I EVER PUT IN MY MOUTH!
(RK takes off his coat and goggles, and rushes for the orange soda sample in one of the beakers; he starts drinking it and Wade shows up after entering through the front door)
WADE: Hey RK, I heard you're entering a contest and...(sees the samples) Dude, have you learned nothing from the branch incident?
RK: I'm not doing that, Wade! I'm just going nuts because I can't think of something great that hasn't already been done. Maybe I should just throw in the towel. I go to SONIC all the time anyway. Besides, this is the worst thing I've ever been exposed to. And I went to see The Last Airbender.
WADE: Throw your towel in? No, you see, I came here to help you out with your conundrum. I think I can come up with a concoction that will help the two of us win.
RK: Alright, now that's what I'm talking about! Wade, with you on my side, the two of us will go places. Tons of places. Just nowhere near South America, I don't feel safe there.
(Wade gives RK a bored stare)
SCENE 10
The Hernandez Household
Interior Jaylynn's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is at her desk with a lamp, a pencil and paper at night.
JAYLYNN: It's simple. All I need to do is write a really great poem and I'll get the trophy. Now all I need are some words.
(Jaylynn taps her pencil on the table repeatedly)
JAYLYNN: Come on, you. Write, I say! Grrrrrr! (chuckles)
(long pause)
JAYLYNN: OK, I'm not playing around, write, damn you. Oh no! I CAN'T WRITE!
HALLEY: OH NO, YOU CAN'T WRITE!
(Jaylynn looks behind her and sees Halley on her bed)
JAYLYNN: HALLEY, GET OUT OF HERE!
HALLEY: By the way, do you have any sandwiches on you?
JAYLYNN: GO!
(Halley gets off the bed, stares at Jaylynn awkwardly, and leaves the room. The "oh-oh-ohhhhhhh-oh" from the Big Time Rush theme song plays in the background as Jaylynn sighs in disappointment)
SEGWAY SEGMENT
ROUNDTABLE
JAYLYNN: Welcome to RoundTable. I think you guys know all about this next topic. Justin Bieber and One Direction have led pop music for a couple years, but the lifespan of an artist in their position doesn't last very long as you know. So, in your opinion, who's part of the new class of pop?
WADE: You know, I can't honestly say who's going to lead the class. I think there are just a few that will make an impact. I mean, for the first time in years, I think we're looking at an era where there are several pop stars at the same level. Like, in the early 2000s, you had *NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys leading the way but they were also joined by Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, Aaron Carter, Ricky Martin. I think in 2014, I see Fifth Harmony making an impact. I see Lorde making an impact. I see Ariana Grande making an impact. And I finally see Cimorelli making their long-awaited impact.
BUSTER: It's funny you only mention females because I was about to say that there are no males who can take the role that Bieber and One Direction have now. It's like how in the WWE, people complain about how they can't create new stars. It's basically the same thing with pop music. The Jonas Brothers were on their way out in 2010, and Justin was right there to take their place. Then One Direction came less than two years later and joined them. I don't think that period in the late 90s and early 2000s will be touched for a long time. I think this is going to be a repeat of 2002-2007 where there were no pop stars in the class.
RK: It's kinda unfair to think that teen pop is the only pop that matters. During 2002-2007, even if there were no boy bands or girl groups or whatever, there were still like, um...guys. Doing...stuff? Sparky, who was in that class from 2002-2007?
SPARKY: I don't even think pop was popular in those years. It was mostly rap, R&B, and some alternative punk music, I think. To answer the question, I have to agree with Wade. But as much as I love Cimorelli, I think the ship has sailed on them making an impact. They were supposed to release their debut album last year which got delayed and I just see them as the type that really don't care whether they make it in the genre or not. Besides, listening to songs like "Wings" or "Believe It" will probably put you in the same boat as The Band Perry. Unless they make more pop-sounding songs like "Made in America" and "The Way We Live," you can't put them in that class. They're going to be great role models for kids so that's an ace in the hole but I'm at a loss after that. Fifth Harmony also isn't going to get anywhere. If anything, I see Austin Mahone making an impact this year.
RK: I don't think Austin's doing anything. I mean, I know he looks like Justin Bieber's successor but he looks very processed to me. As much as I hate Bieber, I didn't feel like he was trying to be anybody but himself. He pretty much got rid of the rock-influenced pop that was selling records at the time. I know Austin is a huge JB fan, but if you're going to make it in pop, you can't be like another pop artist because 90% of them come from the same mold. I always felt like Big Time Rush deserved a chance to be hated by more people besides me but they're still unproven so I don't see them in the new class.
BUSTER: Honestly, even if Justin leaves, there isn't going to be a replacement for him. I mean, the lack of response to Journals is proof that he's done. It's going to be One Direction, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, Lorde, and Ariana Grande as the class of 2014 for pop.
JAYLYNN: This has been another RoundTable.
SCENE 11
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn and Sparky are having coffee.
JAYLYNN: I don't get it. I tried coming up with something last night, nothing. I tried coming up with something this morning, nothing. I've never been in a creative slump before.
SPARKY: Sometimes, creativity works in cycles. Just like luck. You'll get your spark back soon.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but HOW soon? The talent show is in less than a week. I could try doing something sexual, but I'm pretty sure the school doesn't have a TV-14 rating with that kind of thing.
(with worried expression) SPARKY: You...you have an idea of what sexual thing you want to do?
(doorbell rings; Jaylynn walks up to the door and opens it to reveal Asil)
JAYLYNN: Anja, my Palestinian beauty, what are YOU doing here?
ANJA: Buster told me you're going to be in this year's talent show at your school. Pretty cool.
JAYLYNN: You guys are in contact now?
ANJA: Kind of, we're Facebook friends. That may or may not become a big thing. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I'm going to be there at the show.
JAYLYNN: WHAT?!
ANJA: I know, right? I want to support you in whatever you're doing.
SPARKY: Hey, what's that on your jilbab?
(Anja has a gold ribbon on her jilbab)
ANJA: I made the Gold Honor Roll today. Best in the fourth grade. See? There's a small inscription on it.
JAYLYNN: Hang on, let me put on my Urkel glasses.
(Jaylynn puts on her Steve Urkel glasses and reads the inscription on Anja's ribbon)
JAYLYNN: A. Saleh 95.54?
ANJA: Yeah, that's my average for the marking period. Bye Jaylynn. See you at poetry class tomorrow!
(Anja leaves and Jaylynn closes the door)
JAYLYNN: Sparky, I don't feel really hot right about now.
SPARKY: Why? Your cool new friend is coming to support you. You're so in there. I mean, Asil tells you everything that's going on in her life, she treats you like a sister...
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but I'm going to look like a total idiot if I go up on stage with nothing to say. But this slump is getting to me. If I don't win the talent show, I won't get that trophy and I'll still feel like a loser next to Anja.
SPARKY: Well, when was the last time you came up with a poem or story or song?
JAYLYNN: Last week on Tuesday. I bet RK $20 I could spit farther than him. What an idiot!
SPARKY: That's it! All you need to do is repeat the events of that day and you'll get your spark back.
JAYLYNN: Are we really doing this Jonas Brothers crap?
SPARKY: Yes, you bet we're doing this Jonas Brothers crap.
SCENE 12
The Jennings Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
(RK and Wade are at the table thinking)
WADE: In order to be the victors of this competition, we need a master plan. All we have to do is think of something that hasn't been done before.
RK: That's too broad, I can't go back to the basics now. The deadline will be up soon.
WADE: Look, you're overthinking this, RK. The second you do that, you're messing with your psyche. Sometimes, you just have to let ideas flow naturally.
RK: I don't know. I just don't think I have it in me. I need a drink.
(RK goes to the refrigerator, and takes out a bottle of pineapple Fanta and a bottle of cranberry Canada Dry. He takes a cup and pours from both bottles simultaneously, closes the bottles, and puts them in the refrigerator. RK starts drinking. Throughout this all, he has a bored expression.)
WADE: Um, RK?
RK: Wade, I'm trying to be creative and pissy at the same time, and you're ruining it!
WADE: Dude, you just made something. It's something that was probably never made before, and it can win us the contest!
RK: Oh my God, you're right! I didn't even realize I had a winning drink, I make this all the time!
WADE: I guess that's sometimes how genius works. It's taken years for brilliant minds to create masterpieces.
RK: Well, I feel pretty good about this now. Let's kiss to celebrate.
WADE: What?
RK: I'm sorry, that was a little overzealous but I'm OK now. (long pause) Do you WANNA kiss?
SCENE 13
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Both Sparky and Jaylynn are disappointed.
SPARKY: OK, Jaylynn, repeating that day from last week didn't work out but we should keep trying.
JAYLYNN: I don't know, Sparky. I really appreciate you trying but I just don't think I'm getting out of this slump any time soon.
(Jaylynn gets hit in the arm with a baseball)
JAYLYNN: OW, MY ARM! Wait, where's Halley?
SPARKY: What?
HALLEY: Oh, my baseball's right here. Did that hit you, Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: No, the throbbing of my arm is just cake frosting.
SPARKY: Halley...
HALLEY: Sparky...
(The two immediately start kissing)
JAYLYNN: Guys, there are children around here!
SPARKY: Do you think you can help Jaylynn get her creative spark back? The talent show is in three days and she needs a kickass poem.
HALLEY: I think so. I remember the time I couldn't come up with any cool writing. Boy, I was a wreck.
CUTAWAY GAG
Halley is on her living room couch trying to come up with something.
HALLEY: Wait, that's good. (starts writing) "Life's a bitch and then you die, that's why we get high..." Nah, too 1994.
END OF CUTAWAY
JAYLYNN: How did you get it back?
HALLEY: I don't know.
(long pause; Jaylynn angrily stares at a confused Halley)
HALLEY: What?
JAYLYNN: Don't you have anything that can help me?
HALLEY: Well, you could try getting a good night's sleep. A really good one, not the five-hour sleep you try and pass off at work as a good thing.
JAYLYNN: I don't really think that's going to help me. I get enough sleep as it is. I get a lot of sleep 'til Brooklyn!
(Jaylynn starts chuckling and slapping her knee while Sparky and Halley look at her disgusted)
SPARKY: Wow, even I thought that was corny.
JAYLYNN: Well, what other ideas do you have, Vidal?
HALLEY: Listening to music gets my creative juices flowing most of the time.
SPARKY: And I think I know just what you need, Jaylynn. A musical montage set to some pop rap. Not hip pop, that's a totally different thing. And I'm pretty sure KRS-One would agree with me. Right, KRS?
(appearing next to Sparky) KRS-ONE: You got it, Sparky. You see, hip-pop is a lot more commercial and lyrically undeveloped than...
(Halley, Jaylynn, and KRS-One stare at him bored) SPARKY: I wasn't asking for a lecture, sir. Damn, you bring this guy anywhere and he just starts shooting at the mouth about random nonsense. Why do people do that? They just sit there and ramble about incessant poppycock. You know, that's actually a pretty funny word. Poppycock. You know, if an old man ever stole MY bike, I would lose my zest for reading too. I would have no zest. I would be zestless. I found out the other day that some chocolate is made with lemon zest...
KRS-ONE: GET TO THE (BLEEP) MONTAGE!
SPARKY: SHUT UP, YOU'RE NOT EVEN THE REAL KRS-ONE! YOU'RE JUST A CHEAP IMITATION FANFICTION PAID FOR!
("The Monster" by Eminem featuring Rihanna playing in the background)
Jaylynn goes through her daily routine like eating at lunch, playing outside, and completing classwork. The music works as a distraction rather than a help, because Jaylynn constantly is annoyed by "The Monster." She conveniently forgets that the montage has no effect if she acknowledges the music's presence. Jaylynn leaves the school having yielded no positive results.
Outside Sparky's car...
SPARKY: Dude, you do realize that the music can't work if you're aware of it, right?
JAYLYNN: Oh, just forget it. I'm probably never going to create anything awesomesauce ever again. What if I come up with total crap at the talent show?
DREAM SEQUENCE
Jaylynn is on stage at the talent show. She's wearing a suit and tie as a nod to her tomboyish nature.
(The dream sequence introduction music from Arthur plays)
JAYLYNN: Um, this is my poem that brings it back to the preschool days. Why should every poem have a special meaning behind it? (clears throat and starts reading to a disinterested crowd; the rest of Testicular Sound Express and Asil look especially disgusted) "I'm known to the world as a pear. I'm capable of giving you a scare. Try me if you even dare, because I'll make your new name Claire. Unless you're already Claire in which case this poem doesn't apply to you. The end."
(long pause; Everyone bursts into mocking laughter, some into tears. One guy finds it funny, he shoots himself dead in the chest.)
SPARKY: What an idiot!
BUSTER: THIS IS THE BEST DAMN DAY OF MY LIFE!
RK: LIL WAYNE WRITES BETTER THAN THAT!
WADE: THAT POEM IS WILDLY INACCURATE! PEARS AREN'T EVEN SENTIENT!
ANJA: What a loser. She actually thinks we can still be friends with that lame poem?
(Jaylynn is highly disappointed)
(The dream sequence conclusion music from Arthur plays)
JAYLYNN: I thought the last one was cute.
SPARKY: What are you talking about?
JAYLYNN: I have to go home and come up with new material. See you tomorrow?
SPARKY: OK.
(The two hug and Jaylynn once again kisses Sparky on the head before heading to her car)
SPARKY: I really hope Jaylynn does well at the talent show. She really wants that trophy.
(behind Sparky) HALLEY: Sparky, why are you talking to yourself?
SPARKY: Why are you appearing behind me and scaring the living daylights out of me while I do it?
SCENE 14
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
It's time for the talent show on Friday night. The boys are in the front row with their best on, alongside some of their classmates. Sparky is missing for some reason. RK has on a top hat, a monocle, and a fake beard.
(sitting next to RK on his left) WADE: RK, did you really have to leave the house with that garish attire? You look you've been having an affair with the Planters mascot.
RK: Wade, don't you think that this is a formal occasion and you have to look formal?
WADE: Yes, but I believe in understated formal, not over-dramatic formal!
RK: By the way, when are they announcing the winners of the SONIC contest?
WADE: In about a week or two. It's going to be simulcast on all the television networks. All the movers and shakers and bigwigs are going to be tuning in.
RK: Ah man, I love it when bigwigs tune in to see things! Their name value adds credibility to their program of choice!
WADE: I know!
Buster is sitting on RK's right. The swelling in his black eye has gone down pretty well, but it's still noticeable. Travis is sitting next to Buster.
TRAVIS: Hey Buster, what happened to your eye? You get in a fight?
BUSTER: Nope, it's a story I'm not proud to share.
TRAVIS: Oh, so now you won't tell me? I thought we were homies, man.
BUSTER: We are? I thought that was only a black thing.
RK: Buster, stop being racist! You and your penchant for shock value.
BUSTER: You're accusing me of being racist when you have the tendency to make thinly veiled racist jokes and pass them off as OK? How do you think that looks out of context?
(long pause; Buster stares angrily at RK)
RK: Touche.
Backstage, Jaylynn is getting her act together. She's in a suit and tie. She has no hat and her regular red streaks of hair are dyed purple. Sparky appears.
SPARKY: Hey champ. Ready to go?
JAYLYNN: Almost. I think I need to fine-tune this though. Do you think you can give this a read? I'm trying stand-up comedy. (hands Sparky her paper full of jokes)
SPARKY: Sure. But I'm not exactly Kevin McFarland if you catch my drift. (Sparky starts reading it and is taken aback by what Jaylynn's written) Jaylynn, are you sure about this?
JAYLYNN: Of course. I couldn't come up with any poems, and I found out on YouTube yesterday that some of the greatest comedians of all-time used real-life experience to enhance their act.
SPARKY: Yeah, but you're just running us down. Even me. "Alex Mack is way more developed and attractive than my friend Sparky, but they're pretty much the same after that." You even go after Anja?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, it's comedy. Nothing is safe. Unless you're involved with Family Guy in which case anything you do is going to get the Internet's blood pumping.
SPARKY: OK, I admit the Marx Brothers reference is cool, but you can't just go up on stage and embarrass us like this. I mean, half your act consists of calling RK a borderline pedophile.
JAYLYNN: He'll most likely fit that description when he gets older.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, I know you want to compete with Anja and get that trophy, but how far are you willing to go? There are more important things in life than constantly having to one-up another person.
JAYLYNN: Sparky...
SPARKY: Save it, alright? Whatever you do, just make sure it's worth it.
(Sparky leaves angrily while Jaylynn thinks about her decision)
SCENE 15
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Sam Puckett Auditorium
Seattle, Washington
The talent show is in full swing.
MRS. RADWELL: And after that generic performance, it's nice to get back on track. Next up is Jaylynn Skylar Hernandez with her original stand-up comedy act.
(Jaylynn walks onto the stage similar to the way Edge used to do in the WWE)
Sparky is sitting next to Wade. He had actually reserved his seat.
RK: SHE'S GOING TO MAKE FUN OF US, I KNOW IT!
WADE: Relax, it's not like Jaylynn is Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert. Now those guys will really make you pay.
RK: THERE ARE COMEDIANS WITH EVEN MORE BITING JOKES THAN HER?!
SPARKY: RK, stop yelling, OK? Everything's going to be fine.
RK: Easy for you to say. You're her best friend. As for as we're concerned, she's going to turn us into lunch meat. (imitating Josh Peck) LUNCH MEAT!
JAYLYNN: OK, so I'm doing something a little different here tonight. I'm usually a poet but you wouldn't know it, now would you?
(laughter from the audience)
BUSTER: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my God, that was hilarious.
TRAVIS: Buster, calm down, man.
JAYLYNN: Alright, here I go. (Before Jaylynn can read, she looks out at the sea of people, including Sparky's apathetic look, Anja's excited look, and Halley's normal look. For some unknown reason, looking at Halley inspires Jaylynn to go on, but then she pulls back again)
RK: I wonder if this is part of the act. What do YOU think, Wade?
WADE: Are you getting sarcastic with me, boy? (Raises up his left hand as if to strike RK) Because I have the right mind to whop you forthwith for being so snippy.
RK: Dude, I'm just asking you a straightforward question.
WADE: Oh. (worried expression) Sorry for that outburst. But no, I haven't the foggiest idea.
JAYLYNN: Alright, guys? You know what's really going on here?
RK: Yeah, you're delaying the act after you.
JAYLYNN: Well, technically, yeah, but that's not the central theme here. Initially, I had written down some comedy for the talent show. But after my best friend in the whole world talked to me, I started to realize it was kinda mean.
RK: BOO! I WANTED TO SEE A KARMA HOUDINI!
(Wade and Buster knock RK out simultaneously)
JAYLYNN: The truth is I just wanted a trophy because my friend Anja had all these cool accomplishments and I was jealous. (Anja looks shocked) I didn't want to feel like a loser anymore. But I know now that competition isn't always going to give me happiness. As of this moment, I officially take myself out of contention for first prize. Thank you.
(Jaylynn leaves and heads backstage to a round of applause, especially from Sparky; Anja tries to sneak away from the crowd and heads backstage)
WADE: Who was that?
BUSTER: I don't know. Either Anja or an assailant of some sort. I'm betting on the former for all our sakes.
(Jaylynn looks in the mirror backstage)
JAYLYNN: Well, Jaylynn, I've learned something today.
(appearing in the mirror) ANJA: And I've also learned something today.
(Jaylynn turns around and notices Anja standing behind her)
JAYLYNN: STAY BACK, KILLER! Oh, I knew it was you.
ANJA: You know, I had a hunch something was off when you stayed over the other day. Jaylynn, why didn't you tell me you felt that way?
JAYLYNN: I don't know, really. I felt like, maybe if I told you I was jealous of your awards and things, I was forcing you to spare my feelings and placate me. I felt like that would be unfair. Besides, how can you be proud of your accomplishments if you know I'm envious?
ANJA: Well, I know now. And I understand how you feel, but I'm still proud of what I've done at the end of the day.
JAYLYNN: Really?
ANJA: Yeah. Jaylynn, don't you think you have cool stuff that I'm envious of?
JAYLYNN: No, not particularly.
ANJA: You have a cool sense of style, four guys for friends who really look out for you, the ability to intimidate people, and awesome hair.
JAYLYNN: You know, you're the first person I know who's complimented my follicles.
ANJA: It's pretty good, I can see.
(Both start laughing)
ANJA: Look, Jaylynn, I want you to be open with me if you're feeling a certain type of way. That's why we're friends. I don't want either of us cutting corners here. Trust me, I know how jealous people can be. That's why I want to make sure you're comfortable with being my friend in spite of your jealousy. If you're not, I can't change that but life goes on.
JAYLYNN: You know what, Anja? I AM comfortable. I just need to learn how to deal with it.
ANJA: I want to hug so bad right now.
JAYLYNN: Me too.
(Jaylynn and Anja embrace each other)
ANJA: So I guess this is the new female bromance, right?
JAYLYNN: Probably. But watch out, I might be attracted to ya.
(laughing from both girls, but Jaylynn quickly makes the tone serious)
JAYLYNN: I'm serious, that's something I really want to explore later on and you'll have to be ready for it.
SCENE 16
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
A WEEK OR TWO LATER
Testicular Sound Express, KG, and Anja are waiting for the announcement of the winner of the SONIC "What's Your Flavor?" contest. RK has a black eye which Buster gave him from the talent show.
RK: You know, now that I think about it, I really did deserve that black eye.
WADE: This is going to be so exhilarating!
KG: RK, I tried your flavor combo and all I have to say is when you win that money, you're giving half your share to me.
(flashing a handgun) RK: What did you just say?
(Everyone starts screaming)
KG: OK, OK, OK, you can keep your share.
RK: That's more like it.
SPARKY: Dude, put that thing away, you're going to kill someone!
RK: Relax, it's a fake gun. See what happens when I release?
(RK fires the gun, but it turns out it only makes the noise of a real gun)
RK: See, you can't even load it with slugs or anything. It's a novelty toy from the McNamara company. "Twice the fun, twice the heart attack of your friends and loved ones!" (winks at the camera)
BUSTER: Hey, they're about to make the announcement!
(on the TV in a studio in Times Square) RYAN SEACREST: I'm Ryan Seacrest and SONIC has chosen me to announce the winner of their "What's Your Flavor?" contest.
RK: He's so hot.
(Everyone stares at RK bewildered)
RYAN SEACREST: OK, and the winner is...(opens envelope) Chiello Reynolds from Jersey City, New Jersey! His entry was strawberry melon Brisk and limeade Mountain Dew Kickstart. Congratulations, Chiello!
RK: Dude, we just lost.
WADE: Hey, at least we tried hard. And you found your muse where you least expected it: In your everyday life.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, RK, you gave it your best shot. Plus, there will always be more contests.
ANJA: Besides, your flavor was awesome regardless. If they can't see that, they're blind.
SPARKY: Don't you feel better now, RK?
RK: I see right through your tacked-on motivational speech, I don't feel better at all. In fact, hearing you guys say that hamfisted stuff combined with my black eye is giving me a headache something fierce.
(Everyone gives RK a bored look; black screen)
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Music Time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("Famous" by Big Time Rush playing in the end credits)
©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS