Disclaimer – I own nothing, all credit goes to JKR!
"Think of your happiest memory," said the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Webbs. "Let the memory fill you up and take over you; focus on the happiness you felt at that moment, before you raise your wand and say the incantation Expecto Patronum."
Lily Evans sighed, thinking of how hard this would be for her. Not only was she being asked to attempt the Patronus charm just a few days into her seventh year but she was being told to focus on a happy memory, none of which she'd had lately. Her parents were dead, her sister hated her (and was engaged to marry a walrus) and her (ex-)best friend was up to his eyeballs in the Dark Arts. Not to mention the fact that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was targeting and killing muggle-borns like her every day.
Professor Webbs waved his wand, causing all of the desks to the edge of the classroom to create more space for the seventh years to attempt the charm. The students arranged themselves around the room. True to form, the three Ravenclaws edged their way to the front of the room while the single Hufflepuff stood to the side. Since there were no Slytherins continuing with their Defence NEWT, the four Gryffindors were left with the rest of the classroom in which to place themselves. Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and James Potter – missing Peter Pettigrew, making the Marauders only 75% complete – stood casually in the middle of the room, Sirius laughing at something Remus had just said, but James wasn't involved in their conversation. He was too busy staring straight at Lily.
Lily felt a blush rise in her cheeks, so she turned away and walked to the back of the classroom, hoping that he hadn't seen her face flush with colour.
"When you've found your memory, let it absorb you, focus on it as hard as you can. Presently, we aren't being targeted by Dementors or Lethifolds therefore you may find it should be a little easier to produce a corporeal Patronus. What exactly is a corporeal Patronus?" asked Professor Webb, casting his eyes around the room at the eight students, all of whom raised their hands. "Yes, Mr Lupin?"
"A corporeal Patronus is a fully formed Patronus that takes the shape of an animal that reflects the personality of the caster." recited Remus.
"Correct! Now everyone think of your memories and when you are ready: Expecto Patronum!"
Everyone watched as a bright white eagle soared around the room then disappeared. Professor Webb went and sat at his desk; the seventh years took this as their cue to start thinking.
Lily hadn't chance to think of a memory when a scrap of parchment floated into her hands. Curiously, Lily unfolded the parchment and read it. She sent it back to James with a single word added. 'No.'
Wiping Potter's immaturity from her mind, Lily tried to think of a memory.
She started with her childhood, thinking of Petunia and the fun they'd once shared as they'd played in the park and with their dolls. However, this just led Lily to think of the cold looks Petunia now gave her and how the word 'Freak' had replaced the word 'Lily' in Petunia's dictionary.
She thought of the moment she'd found out she was a witch. 9-year-old Lily had felt elated when Severus Snape explained to her why she could make things move without touching them and jump dangerously high off swings without getting hurt in the slightest. Yet this memory just led to Petunia's hatred of everything magical and Snape's turn to the Dark Arts.
None of the memories Lily thought of contained enough happiness to allow her to cast a Patronus.
A bright white light filled Lily's line of vision and she had to blink several times before she could see what was happening. A huge silvery dog was bounding around the room, followed by a mighty stag and a lion. Every eye in the room was following the three animals until they vanished a few minutes later.
"20 points to Gryffindor each for Misters Black, Potter and Lupin! Everyone else should keep trying and you three work on making them as strong as they can be."
Of course they'd be the first, thought Lily as she tried to refocus her mind on a memory.
Her mind wandered to the times she'd spent with her parents, how her dad used to take her to his garage and she'd watch, entranced, as he'd transform a broken down car into a fully working beauty - it was almost magic. These outings stopped when her dad got cancer and died in her fourth year. Her mum was never the same after his death. Lily's mum always used to take her daughters out shopping, delighted to treat them, but after the death of her husband, she became more reserved and barely left the house. Then she got cancer too, and had passed away two months previously. This had not come as a shock to Lily, as she had visited her mother in hospital a week before her death, when Lily had listened sadly as her mum told her how she knew she was going to die soon. She had also made her daughter promise to try not to be upset when the time came.
"Just promise me, Lily."
Lily looked at the frail body in the hospital bed, desperately wishing that it was not her mother but at the same time despising herself for being so selfish.
"I can't promise you that I won't be sad when you die, mum, I just can't!"
"Stop crying, Lils," whispered the older woman, lifting her hand to wipe tears off her daughter's cheek. "Just promise me you'll try. I've had a happy life and I'm going to be with your father again."
Lily sniffed before taking her mother's hands in her own. "I promise."
A nurse poked her head around the door, informing Lily that visiting hours were over and she'd have to leave. Lily kissed her mother on her forehead.
"Goodbye mum, I love you, I love you so much." As Lily turned to leave, wiping fresh tears off her face, her mother spoke up.
"Don't pretend that you can handle everything on your own. Sometimes you need someone to help you through – don't push everyone away just because you think you can handle it. Let people in."
"I will."
"I love you."
"I love you too, mum."
"I love you more, Lils."
Frustrated with herself for allowing her mind to wander, Lily yet again focused herself on happy memories she could use to conjure a Patronus.
Simple moments just sat with her parents eating dinner, watching television, talking about Hogwarts and the world to which her parents didn't belong... none were powerful enough to even conjure a non-corporeal Patronus.
Even though the Patronus Charm was immensely difficult, Lily was determined to cast one before the end of the lesson. It wasn't usually on the curriculum and Lily suspected Dumbledore had wanted it to be taught in Defence, not Charms, because of the importance it now held as the Death Eaters had allied with Dementors. If anything, the thought of this spurred Lily on. It led her to think of a memory she'd tried - and failed - to forget: the day her mother died.
-
As soon as the barn owl had dropped the letter in front of where she sat in the Great Hall, Lily knew what it meant. She saw Professor McGonagall looking sombre; weaving her way through the hall towards Lily, but Lily jumped up and ran out of the hall as fast as she could. It took her a while to find a deserted corridor, by the time she did she was on the fifth floor and exhausted, so she sank down against the wall and collapsed in tears clutching the letter tightly.
Lily couldn't believe her mum - the person who brought her into the world - was gone. She was an orphan. Petunia had severed all contact, meaning Lily had no immediate family left.
Mary and Dorcas hadn't even followed when Lily ran out of the Great Hall.
She had never felt so alone.
"Are you okay?" came a voice that Lily recognised and certainly did not want to hear, for the voice belonged to Severus Snape.
"Of course I'm not okay!" said Lily, hastily attempting to wipe away her tears with the back of her hand.
Snape's footsteps came closer to her, but Lily didn't need or want his comfort and sympathy.
"Go away!" she shouted, but the footsteps continued approaching.
"What's wrong?"
"Go away!"
Lily took off her left shoe and threw it in Snape's face, averting her eyes before she could see his reaction but she heard his retreating footsteps and knew she was alone again.
Lily thought of the promise she'd made to her mum the last time she saw her. Shamefully, she wiped her tears away and took a few deep, shaky breaths.
There was no way of keeping track of the time, but Lily was certain she'd spent the whole morning sat alone with tears streaming down her face. One thing was certain: she'd picked a good corridor as no-one had disrupted her since Snape.
There was something digging into her palm and Lily realised she hadn't opened the letter yet. Not even bothering to hope the letter did not declare her mother's death, Lily carefully pried open the envelope. Reading the confirming words made the situation seem more real and fresh tears threatened to spill over her eyelids as she screwed the letter up and clenched it in her fist.
"Lily?" said a tentative voice. Lily recognised the voice, but had never heard it speak in that tone before. The redhead looked up, and as she did, the tears previously held in her eyes dripped down her pale face. "What's up?"
James Potter's face was filled with concern, something Lily had certainly never seen on this particular face.
"Nothing. Go away!"
"I'm not just going to leave you here!"
"Go away!" snarled Lily with as much venom as she could muster. When he didn't move from his spot about ten metres away from her she took off her right shoe, which spiralled in the air before hitting James on the shoulder.
The redhead buried her face in her hands, expecting James to leave just as Snape had done but she felt someone sit next to her and knew he had stayed.
"C'mon," said James. "Tell me."
Lily was just about to say 'no' and tell him to get lost when she remembered what her mother had said to her a week previously:
'Don't push everyone away just because you think you can handle it. Let people in.'
Lily dropped the letter into James' lap, watching him as comprehension and sadness dawned on his face.
"Oh, Lily..." said James.
He put his arm around Lily's shoulders. Instinctively, she leaned towards him so her head was on his shoulder; within seconds she was sobbing. It continued like this for some time, Lily sobbing while James occasionally made soothing noises. Eventually, Lily's eyes turned dry, she had cried until she literally had no tears left. Now the noise of her sobs had subsided, someone would have to break the silence. What do you say to a boy you've hated for years when you just spent the last few hours sobbing into his robes? However, Lily was not the first to speak.
"I know what you're going through, Lily and it's going to be -"
"You don't know what I'm going through, Potter!" Lily stood up, shouting down at a bewildered James. "You can't possibly fathom how it feels to lose your parents, your sister and your best friend! Your life is perfect!"
"It's not." mumbled James. He seemed to be stuck between looking at Lily and staring down at his feet, so his eyes moved slowly from one to the other.
"What? Tell me, how can your life not be perfect?"
"I didn't exactly shout it from the Astronomy Tower, but my mum died a few months ago."
Lily felt as though the wind had been knocked out of her. Why did she have to say that? Why?
"Oh my god, James, oh my god. I'm so sorry; I can't believe I said that. I'm such a bitch. I'll just go..." Lily looked around for her shoes, about to grab them and make a hasty, embarrassed exit, but James shook his head, smiling slightly.
"Don't go, it's fine, you didn't know." he said, tapping the floor next to him as a request for her to sit back down. She complied, but sat a little further away from him than she had done previously.
"I'm sorry." repeated Lily, whose red cheeks almost matched her hair.
"Don't be; I'm not. She lived a long, full life and accomplished everything she wanted to. My dad says she's in 'a better place', I'm not sure if I believe him but wherever she is, she's happy." James smiled at the thought of his mother.
"I'm sure my mum is too, she was never truly happy after my dad died and my sister was hurting her by hating me, so it's better she's gone, really."
"Why are you crying, then?" asked James. "Did that sound rude? I didn't -"
"It's a perfectly reasonable question, I don't really know myself. I think... I think it's because I just feel so alone; both of my parents are gone, my sister's never going to talk to me again and Sev, I mean, Snape is practically a Death Eater. My roommates are great but I won't be their proper friend since I was always with Snape and they hated him so we never really talked that much."
When she finished speaking, James' hazel eyes were looking directly into her green ones with such intensity that Lily wanted to look away but found that she couldn't.
"You'll never be alone, I promise."
Lily was so grateful for James Potter in that moment. So grateful he had given her a shoulder to cry on when she needed it most; so grateful that he had given her the advice she so badly needed. But, most of all, she was so grateful that he was there when no-one else was and seemed to care when no-one else did. This was why she pulled his face close to hers and kissed him. Because they were still sitting on the floor, it was quite awkward for Lily to move herself into a better position without cutting off the connection formed at their lips. It was when she accomplished this a few seconds later that she noticed James was not reciprocating. He was completely still.
Lily immediately pulled away and jumped to her feet, mumbling apologies with her cheeks burning. James was still in shock; Lily decided she couldn't just leave him there.
"James? Uh, James?" she said.
Her words seemed to bring him back to reality.
"Did that just happen?" he said.
"Er, maybe..." replied Lily. She watched as James' expression turned from confusion to looking as though all his Christmas' had come early.
"You mean you – the Lily Evans, the girl who has been the subject of my affections for so long – just kissed me – James Potter, the arrogant toe-rag – and I wasn't even being incredibly charming or asking you out?"
"Yes…" mumbled Lily, staring fixedly down at the floor. Upon hearing James rise to his feet, Lily raised her head slightly, her face still bright red. She barely registered his face so close to hers, as a split-second later, his mouth had crashed onto hers. Lily almost stumbled back with surprise, but James' hands steadied her, lingering on her back. Her hands made their way up to his hair and Lily realised why James messed up his hair so much – it was so soft.
Weren't first/kind-of second kisses supposed to be hugely romantic? Lily was certain the girl was not supposed to nearly fall backwards, and she wasn't supposed to have tear stains trailing down her face. There were definitely fireworks though; bright, colourful fireworks were exploding all around them, all of which confused Lily because she was Evans, and he was Potter and they weren't supposed to connect, but they did and it was brilliant. Lily was stunned at how natural it felt, they responded to each other's movements without a second thought, almost as if they were made to unite as one. Numerous feelings were flying around: bewilderment, amazement, delight and slight light-headedness, but neither James nor Lily was feeling remotely upset.
A few minutes later, or maybe it was centuries, they broke apart, both trying to catch their breath without looking exceptionally unattractive. At that point, with no physical link to James to drive the thoughts from her mind, Lily realised her mother was dead. Her mum was dead and here she was kissing James Potter.
"I have to go… Thanks for, er, everything, James… bye." Lily set off running down the corridor and didn't even bother to pick up her shoes."
She had avoided James since then, and had only managed to stutter a thank you when he had returned her shoes that night in the common room. It wasn't that she hadn't enjoyed their kiss – it had been amazing – she was just confused about everything regarding the two of them.
-
Lily was mildly surprised to find herself in the present day, stood in the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. Everyone else in the room had at least managed a non-corporeal Patronus and were now focusing on making them stronger. Lily had no such luck. Once again, Lily's mind wandered back to the kiss she had shared with James Potter, and the euphoria she had felt at the time. Would this memory suffice? Lily cast a look at James, thinking that if he was watching her, he might realise that she was thinking of the very thing she had avoided conversation about. Thankfully, he was focused on his own Patronus; a large, proud stag. How fitting, thought Lily.
Professor Webbs reminded them that it was only 5 minutes until the end of the lesson.
It's now or never, thought Lily. She concentrated on the kiss that they had shared, remembering how gentle his lips were but they had an edge to them - like he desperately wanted more. She thought of how his hair felt beneath her fingers, his hands on her back, the butterflies that had erupted in her stomach, the exploding fireworks. She thought of how, minutes before she had kissed him, he comforted her with a maturity and kindness she thought he could never possess. She thought of nothing else except him and her and how wrong it seemed, but how right it felt.
"Expecto Patronum!" Suddenly, a bright white animal looked as if it was climbing out of her wand. A doe. Lily knew she should've been more surprised by the form her Patronus had taken and that it was the female companion to James' stag, but like everything regarding the two Gryffindor's lately, it just made perfect sense.
Nobody was paying attention to Lily, as she was stood at the back and hadn't made any progress before this moment, not even James Potter had noticed the doe that was now approaching him. He did not see the doe until it was stood right next to his stag. He fell into a confused silence, not registering whose Patronus was stood next to his own. However, his friends had and, grinning to themselves, they retreated to the back of the room. James finally spotted Lily (who had walked up to stand next to him) and made the connection between her and the doe. Before either of them could say anything, the bell rang. The other six students and Professor Webb hastily left the room, seemingly oblivious to the stag and doe Patronuses and their casters stood in the middle of the room.
Lily thought back to the note James had sent her at the beginning of the lesson: 'Will you be thinking of the kiss?' and she knew that's what he'd been thinking of too. Their Patronuses had disappeared since neither Lily nor James was paying much attention to them.
"You know what they say about contrasting Patronuses, don't you?" said James, breaking the silence.
"Soul mates." said Lily softly.
"So… What do you think about that?"
"I don't think we're quite there yet, James."
"Where are we, then?" he asked, trying to hide the disappointment in his voice.
"I'm not sure yet." she confessed, but didn't hesitate in wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him.
A/N – Thanks for reading! Please review, subscribe etc. Currently writing another James/Lily one shot, which is, as of now, titled 'Giving Up', but the title may change by the time I'm finished.
– Georgia :)