Title: Perfect!
(Response to challenge)
By Jaye Reid
Commenced: 15.01.2002
Completed: 18.01.2002
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em. If I did, I can tell you the plot line would be *very* different! Property of AS and WB, I'm just taking them out of the toy box for a play. I promise to put them back when I'm finished.
Category: Romance/tiny Angst - Donna POV
Spoilers: Two Cathedrals - (major recap - with my own twist!). Bits of Season 1 & 2.
Rating: PG
Archiving: http://users.mcmedia.com.au/~jayereid/jldmmain.htm and anywhere else you want - just let me know.
Author's notes: Here is another piece of challenge material. This response is to the challenge of writing 'the proposal' and if possible including a reference to Elvis. The basis of the fic is something that has been kicking around in my head since I saw Two Cathedrals, and this challenge has given me the vehicle to write it!
Thanks to Bridget once again, for her beta reading.
~*~*~*~
You know when they say 'some people make things happen and others ask *what the hell happened?*' well I'm having a 'what the hell happened' day. Actually it's been a horrible, emotionally draining day - well other than one bright spark.
I think Josh asked me to marry him.
Well, not as much asked, more told me that's what we're going to do.
I mean this is not how I imagined it would be. That is, I certainly wouldn't have imagined Josh asking me to... okay, so I've imagined it a few times.
Okay yes!
I'll admit it, *more* than a few...
But then that was before... and after I decided that was definitely what he meant, I don't know if he'll still want to. Perhaps he'll put it down to a brief period of stress. Yes after today, we can all claim that the stress levels here of late are torturous at best. At worst... well I don't want to think about worse case scenarios.
So all I can do is sit here in his chair and wait for him to come back, just like he told me to do after the press conference. It's dark, it's late and the storm is still raging with a fury outside. I'm not looking forward to trying to get home in this weather.
This morning was just so...
Mrs. Landingham's funeral. I can't believe she's gone. I can't believe that she's not going to be here to give me advice or just talk. And I tell you I could *really* do with her advice right about now. I'm going to miss her so much it makes me feel like crying all over again, and I didn't think I could cry any more than I have already today.
It was a beautiful service. Josh said so too. There were so many people there. I sat next to Carol and the other assistants. Josh was sitting with Sam and Toby. He was one of the pallbearers. I think he felt honored to be asked to perform the task. I remember Mrs. Landingham sat with me when Josh was in hospital. Well just about *everyone* sat with me at some time while we waited. But I remember her telling me how Josh reminded her of President Bartlet when he was younger. She had a soft spot for the egomaniac that I worked for; he was one of the privileged few who were allowed to indulge her cookie treats.
I think he knew he was one of her special ones, but not in a puffed up arrogant way.
There was just something - mutual respect perhaps?
I don't know.
You're still wondering about that proposal I mentioned earlier aren't you? Well I'm getting to it, just stay with me.
It's been a big day.
Anyway, Josh and I had been in his office. The President wanted some information about the storm activity. Charlie brought it to me, so I went to tell Josh before I went over the road to the OEFB for the information.
He looked so...
I would have given anything to be able to hug him and tell him it would all work out. But I couldn't. I couldn't comfort him because, well for one I didn't know *how* it would work out. I mean what could I tell him that didn't sound like an empty platitude? We talked about the service and then I couldn't help myself. I had to ask him if after everything, this was how it worked? This was how it was all going to end? You know, I just couldn't believe that everything that he and everyone else had tried to achieve could be shoved in the trash like it didn't matter - that it was over?
He told me that this was how it was going to work today.
I guess with everything else, well why not throw this on top of it?
What more could go wrong today?
No, today wasn't going to be a good day in the history of the Bartlet administration. Not today, not in a hundred years would it ever be recorded as a good day.
I was about to leave when his phone rang. It was Leo. I handed it over to Josh just before Toby blustered in raving about Leo and a lifebuoy or something. Really, with the way the storm is blustering out there, a few lifeboats wouldn't have been totally out of the question.
Josh hung up, he told Toby it had been Leo and the answer was 'B'.
Don't you hate it when you have the answer but don't know the question? But I knew that whatever it was...
Josh's face, his tone... he looked numb. Toby understood the information. I had no idea but I knew it wasn't good.
Josh headed out of his office to go to Leo's. I tried to follow him; I actually had to make a few quick steps to catch up. Half way down the hall I finally caught him. He turned and looked at me.
He was... it was then I knew exactly what 'B' was.
"It's over? We're finished?" I asked him. And for what felt like the millionth time today I started to cry. I could feel the tears start to cascade down my face.
Then there was something else in his eyes. Something that I'd seen occasionally flash past, but I hadn't seen it stay there like this before. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times. He does that when his head knows exactly what he wants to say, but he doesn't quite trust his mouth to say it right.
No wonder they don't let him in the pressroom.
He pulled me into a side doorway.
Planted a hand firmly on each of my shoulders.
Then he looked straight into my eyes as he spoke.
I'll never forget his words until the day I die, and I can tell you I hope that's a long, *long* way down the track.
Okay, I was sort of stunned, so the *exact* words might not be, well... exact.
But he basically said to me, "The reign of Bartlet may be over, but you are I will *never* be finished."
He planted a kiss on my forehead and tried to wipe the tears away from my cheeks with his thumb. He can be really sweet like that.
Then he said... "we'll get married and you can go back to College if you want. I can get a job anywhere in this country, we'll be fine Donna. Trust me on this. *We* will never be finished."
Then he said he had to go see Leo and we'd talk after it was done.
And he was gone.
Did you catch it?
Yeah, it was there wasn't it.
I can go back to college after we get married.
Married!
To Joshua Lyman!
I've thought about what he said, over and over since this afternoon, and I can't for the life of me see that I could have misheard or misunderstood.
Back to college after *we* get married.
Neither of us is seeing anyone else.
Not that we're seeing each *other* either.
But really, I couldn't misinterpret the *we* to mean to marry other people. Meaning when we are both married to other people, I can go back to college, if I want. Because for something like that to be the case, it would be none of his business if I went back to college after I married someone else.
No, he must have meant us, together - us.
Finally I made my feet move, although my heart was still beating so hard I'm surprised no one rushed out to see what the noise was all about. I'm not sure how long I stood there, but I decided I should go back to my desk.
I needed to sit down.
I thought about sitting at my desk and thinking through it all for a few more minutes. Then I realized I couldn't. I had to get the information for the President. I wasn't sure if my legs would still work. They did, thank goodness. I had to get the research done for the President.
It was the least I could do.
It was difficult going in to see the President later with the details about the storm. You know, knowing he wasn't going to run for a second term. I didn't know how he could turn away when there are so many good things to be done.
I didn't see Josh after his statement until the press conference at the State Department that finished not so long ago.
Margaret took me over there in her car. I didn't want to risk being out in this storm, on my own, in *my* car. I didn't want to be alone full stop really.
Margaret and I didn't talk about what the President was going to say on the way there. I think she knew something serious was going down, but she was still reeling in shock from the other news about the President having MS. I felt bad that I knew and she didn't. She is the Chief of Staff's assistant, she should have known. Well maybe she did know. I mean, I couldn't tell anyone I knew, so it wasn't like she could tell me either. But she still seemed shocked at the announcement.
CJ was obviously already at the press conference, fielding off a barrage of questions. We arrived just before the President and Senior Staff, who traveled together in the motorcade. Margaret and I stood up at the back of the room, our coats dripping from the downpour outside. The press storm was raging almost as much inside. I could see Josh up there with Sam and Toby. He seemed to be distracted, glancing around the room. At first I was worried all the flashes from the cameras might set off a PTSD attack. I know it's been awhile, and he's been fine. But it's been an extremely stressful couple of days, and I couldn't help but worry. He seemed to be looking around the room. I overheard CJ with the President this afternoon, that there was a signal of some kind. I was wondering whom he was trying to locate until our eyes met and he gave me a slight nod.
It was me he was looking for.
My breath caught for a second or two. I couldn't be up there with him, where I should have been to help him through the next few minutes, but our eyes were fixed on each other for that second and I knew we didn't need to physically be side by side.
We were already together.
But what happened next... well I think it might have changed everything.
The President called for a question, and when the reporter stood, the shocked look on the faces of the Senior Staff were, let's say... noticeable. Something was going on, and I don't think I was the only who didn't know what it was. Yet another example of my 'what the hell happened' structure for the day. Margaret nudged me and whispered that she didn't know what was going on, but Leo was grinning like the cat that had just been fed the cream.
Perhaps he was the only one who had the answer this time.
Then it happened.
The President made the reporter repeat the question. You know he certainly can work a crowd. He knows all the tricks to get the most dramatic effect.
The question had been, whether or not he was going to run for a second term. I knew the answer was already "B" - no he wasn't, this was the end.
But he said - yes.
Yes?
Yes, he's going to run for a second term.
No wonder the senior staff looked shocked. This wasn't answer "B", this was answer "A"... this was answer "A".
Margaret of course had no idea that this wasn't what was meant to happen. I stood there watching and listening as the press continued to fire questions at the President. I could see Josh was in discussion as discretely as possible with the rest of the senior staff; he was back in fighting mode.
I hope they *all* are because I think this is going to be one hell of a fight.
And then that was it. The press conference broke and 'the President had left the building...'
Okay, so I'm probably the only one who would think it was funny! He has more security guards than Elvis ever did.
Margaret and I made our move towards the front of the podium. She made a beeline for Leo and I sought out Josh to see what he needed me to do.
I asked him what he needed. He told me that he needed me in his office when he got back. They were heading straight for Leo's office and then he would be back in his office - we needed to talk, he said.
I traveled back again with Margaret and we chatted about how everything was going to get even more stressful for us. Since the meeting was in Leo's office, she headed back to her desk.
So here I am.
Sitting back in Josh's chair, my shoes on the floor and my feet up on the sill. I'm totally transfixed by the patterns the rain is making on the window as it hits and then runs down the glass.
This is so...
I came in here, sorted out a bit of the paperwork scattered over Josh's desk. I don't know how he does it. It can be all organized and neat and within a few minutes of him being in here, it's in chaos again!
So I guess this means with a lot of damn hard work and a little bit of luck, we're going to make it back here for another four years.
And I guess that changes things.
Lucky I suppose I didn't have time to get any information about colleges and courses. Plan what major I really want to do. I didn't get the chance to stress about the cost of textbooks, or what people wore on campus these days. I didn't get the chance to worry about how on earth an essay had to be written, the hassle of footnoting everything that was put on paper, how stressful exams were...
Oh yeah...
I didn't get the chance to buy one edition of 'Mode for Brides' either...
Saved myself a few bucks eh?
"Donna?"
Honestly, I nearly fell out of my chair... well his chair. I didn't hear him come back, but now as I take my feet off the ledge and turn the chair slightly, I can see him leaning against the closed door.
"Hey," I say. Okay, so it wasn't the most insightful thing to say. Sue me! He's the one with the 760 verbal. Just ask him. But at the moment I wouldn't. He looks terrible. He looks more disheveled than usual for this time of night.
Yeah I know, *that* bad.
I'm not sure where his jacket is; perhaps he left it in Leo's office. I'll have to phone Margaret later and check. His top button is undone and his tie is all loose and askew. His hair... okay let's not try to put a description to it.
I don't think any words would do it justice.
"So" he breathes.
Yeah, 760 verbal.
One of these days I'm going to do some research into that one. If he can get a fish on the Dean's list and 18 credits, I'm sure there is something about the 760 he's not telling me.
Hmm. I have to say usually we have this thing. This thing where we know what the means, or is about to say...
Perhaps the storm has knocked out more than just the visible communication lines because I have absolutely no idea where this is going.
"It's still raining," I say as I turn back to the window. I can make out his reflection in the glass in front of me.
"Yeah, it's really *wet* out there," he replies.
760 - not possible.
"The President wasn't going to do what was he?" I ask, looking up at him in the reflection. He can see me from the glass too.
"No."
"He was going to say, *that's it, one term is enough* wasn't he? That's why you all looked so shocked," I state.
I can see him approach me. I sit still in the chair. He sits behind me on the edge of his desk and leans on the back of the chair. His arms across the top and he rests his chin on the top of his hands while focusing on my reflection rather than looking down on me.
"It was supposed to be answer 'B'. We were told this afternoon it was answer 'B.' you were here, you heard it."
I nod.
"So was there a mistake? Were the answers - mislabeled?" I ask. How did they get it so wrong? I mean these are our lives at stake.
"No. No mistake. The President changed his mind. He's the leader of the free world, I guess he's allowed to do that," Josh sighed and lay his cheek against his hands.
He looks so wrung out.
We sit there in silence for a while. Both watching our reflections, the rain...
"Today's been an awful... so how are ya doin' Donna?" he asks as he picks up a few strands of my hair, running them through his fingers.
"I'm holding it together I think," I tell him. Because really, I am. Nothing a serious drinking session wouldn't fix, or a full nights sleep. Actually the sleep sounds more inviting. But I wonder if I should mention...
"There was one thing that wasn't awful about today," I tell him. Okay, I could have ignored it. Waited to see if he said anything. But I don't know if I'd get any sleep tonight if it were left hanging over me.
"Yeah," he breathes as he plays with more strands of my hair. "It wasn't meant to come out like that," he adds looking at me in my reflection.
Okay, so is that it? I'm really glad I didn't rush out and buy one of those magazines if it was.
"It's okay," I tell him. "I'm sure I can forget about it. You were under stress and..."
That's as far as I get before the fact that one of his hands has just dropped to my right cheek stops me cold in my tracks. A shiver runs heavily down my spine and he must have felt it.
"You okay?" he asks. He's all concerned. The shiver is nothing new; but I guess he's never felt it run through *me* before.
"Yeah, I'm okay," I reply.
He puts his hand under my chin. It makes me look up at him, rather than at his reflection.
"When I said it wasn't meant to come out like that, I didn't mean it was meant to come out. I meant that I wish I had done it better. I wanted it to be better; I wanted it to be *perfect*. But when you asked me..."
I can see he's looking for the words. He's not good at this. If it's political, his articulation is insurmountable. If it's emotional in a political sense then he's an impassioned combatant. But if it's emotional on a personal point of view...
Josh is lost in a thick forest without a map or compass.
He tries to continue. "When you asked me," he repeats. "God Donna, I would have killed and maimed to have taken that pain from your eyes. I knew I had to let you know that I'm always going to be here for you, that you didn't have to fear the future. I needed you to know, I knew it was important."
I try to nod, but it's a bit difficult when he holds my face turned up to his. I have to do this, I can't believe after wanting for so long... but I have to say it.
"The answer wasn't 'B' Josh."
"No," he replies with a half smile that dances across his face. Not enough to show dimples, but a smile nonetheless. "It was 'A'."
"Yeah." I mean I don't know what to say here. I'm tired and prone to get emotional at the drop of a hat.
"Yeah. So I was thinking..."
"It's okay Josh," I tell him. "The answer wasn't 'B' so I guess that means you don't have to..."
"Donna, what I said..."
"You told me you were going to marry me," I state. I'm tired, and if this is going to be one of his famous retractions, I just want to get it over and done with so I can go home and get some sleep before I have to be back in here and help fight the good fight.
"You noticed. I was hoping you might. Not the most romantic way..."
I scoff. Probably not very polite - but Josh just uttered a word that I didn't think he knew how to pronounce, let alone know what it meant.
"Romantic?" I chuckle.
"I can be romantic," he replies indignantly.
Well that should earn him another scoff!
"Are you suggesting I can't be romantic?" he accuses.
"I'm still shocked that you have the word in your vocabulary, Josh," I tease.
Don't ask me why I'm doing this, I should just shut my mouth, but I remember the old rhyme about 'if you love something set it free...' yadda yadda. I don't want to Josh to think he's now bound to me because of something he said when the going got too tough for him.
"It was answer 'A' Josh... not 'B'. I won't hold it against you if you don't want to..."
"Stop! Is this because... are you saying that you don't want to?" he asks.
"I'm not saying that at all Josh," I tell him. Hell no, that's not what I'm saying at all. Please don't let this derail before we get to the end. "I just didn't want you to think that because you said it... Josh we haven't even been out together."
"We go out all the time," he replies giving me one of those confused looks.
"I mean socially, Josh. Just you and me," I tell him. I mean I have to tell him or he will count all those times I supervised him and Sam on one of their little intoxication sessions.
"What? Like on a... a date? That's for college kids Donna or people who don't really know each other that well," he informs me. "I think we're past all that stuff."
I give him my best pout. It's a good weapon to have. Every woman should have a good weapon - me?
I pout.
He tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear. Honestly, it's probably only a stray strand because he's been playing with my hair. I swear if it's all messed up, I'll be forced to take serious action.
Yeah, I'll tell the President that Josh is fascinated by the mating habits of the aardvark. I'm sure the President could pull up some trivia on the animal. Hey, I could even help him find some information.
Where was I?
Oh yes, pouting.
"I'm not going to be one of those women you fall into sideways Josh."
"I don't want you to be," he replies.
"I want dinner and movies, time away from the office to just be us," I tell him.
"Okay, let's go."
Honestly! Is this really the man I want to spend my life with?
Rhetorical!
Don't worry; I haven't made it this far to give up now!
"Not right *now* Joshua. What I want to do now is go home to bed, it's been a... No Joshua! That was *not* an invitation!"
My God you should have seen the look on his face when I said I wanted to go to bed! He's... he's... hell; he's in love with me!
"You will though, won't you?" he asks.
Okay, we're back to the big question, 760 verbal? I still think he fixed it!
"What? Sleep with you Josh?" I ask straight out.
"No! No... well yeah, but that wasn't what I was asking. The other thing I asked you," he rambles.
Ahhhh...
"I don't remember you *asking* me anything Josh," I tell him. Because really, he hasn't actually asked me.
What the? What is he... Oh my God!
Josh has just moved around in front of me and he's... he's kneeling... Oh my God... I think I'm going to cry again!
He's grabbed hold of my hands and he's got this focused look on his face.
"Donna," he virtually breathes my name... oh I am crying. This is so...
Romantic!
Joshua Lyman - who would have thought!
"Yes I will." I say.
He smiles, full on dimple grin. He rubs one of the tears from my cheek with his thumb while still holding my hands. "I haven't asked you yet."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cry, smile and breathe all at the same time?
"Donna. I need you to bear with me for a minute. Look, I'll say right now, this isn't going to be very eloquent. If I'd thought it through properly, I would have gotten Sam to help me with a few words. But I didn't - this is all me so here goes.
I think you love me, and I know I love you. Took me awhile to admit it to myself because... well, it just did. Hell Donna, I can hardly remember a time without you in my life. And if I can, I... I keep wondering what it would have been like if you'd been there.
You could have saved me from so many mistakes. The thought of you not in my future is, is...it's incomprehensible. I want us to grow old together... which for me is gonna start happenin' way before you, but if you think you could put up with me... marry me Donna."
Okay, that thing about the 760 verbal? I've just decided it was true!
He da man!
But I don't seem to be able to speak, and my jaw is aching from smiling.
"Donna for goodness sake answer him before he self-combusts!"
Oh my God! That's Toby's voice! I can't see him because I am still facing the window and I didn't hear the door open, I was too busy... yeah, crying and being happy.
Josh looks just as surprised, and he looks up at Toby who is obviously standing in the doorway and then back to me.
All I can do is nod rapidly at him.
"Yes?"
"Yes," I manage somehow to say.
"Really? You will?"
"Yes Josh, I really will!" I laugh. He's unbelievable! He wants an answer and then when I give it, he goes questioning me!
"I'd kiss you right now if we didn't have an audience," he tells me with a mischievous glint.
"Oh pllllease!" comes a comment from the peanut gallery that is Toby.
"Donna if Josh ever does anything to hurt or upset you, let me know. I have contacts," Toby continues.
It makes me smile, and I turn my chair around as Josh finally stands and tries to stretch the aches from his legs.
"Thank you Toby." I reply.
"Hey, I thought you were *my* wingman?" complains Josh.
"She's prettier," he replies, gives me a rueful grin and then turns on his heels.
"So I'm thinking," I tell him. "Keeping this quiet is not an option now that Toby knows?"
"It never was an option," he replies. Which makes me even happier. I can openly be in love with Josh! Then I realize something else...
"Josh, we're alone now," I say as I stand up.
"Yeah?"
Ohhh brother! This is going to be a major challenge... do I get danger money I wonder.
Sometimes he can be so damn...
"So I guess you'd like me to kiss you?" he breathes.
Perfect!
The end.
(Response to challenge)
By Jaye Reid
Commenced: 15.01.2002
Completed: 18.01.2002
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em. If I did, I can tell you the plot line would be *very* different! Property of AS and WB, I'm just taking them out of the toy box for a play. I promise to put them back when I'm finished.
Category: Romance/tiny Angst - Donna POV
Spoilers: Two Cathedrals - (major recap - with my own twist!). Bits of Season 1 & 2.
Rating: PG
Archiving: http://users.mcmedia.com.au/~jayereid/jldmmain.htm and anywhere else you want - just let me know.
Author's notes: Here is another piece of challenge material. This response is to the challenge of writing 'the proposal' and if possible including a reference to Elvis. The basis of the fic is something that has been kicking around in my head since I saw Two Cathedrals, and this challenge has given me the vehicle to write it!
Thanks to Bridget once again, for her beta reading.
~*~*~*~
You know when they say 'some people make things happen and others ask *what the hell happened?*' well I'm having a 'what the hell happened' day. Actually it's been a horrible, emotionally draining day - well other than one bright spark.
I think Josh asked me to marry him.
Well, not as much asked, more told me that's what we're going to do.
I mean this is not how I imagined it would be. That is, I certainly wouldn't have imagined Josh asking me to... okay, so I've imagined it a few times.
Okay yes!
I'll admit it, *more* than a few...
But then that was before... and after I decided that was definitely what he meant, I don't know if he'll still want to. Perhaps he'll put it down to a brief period of stress. Yes after today, we can all claim that the stress levels here of late are torturous at best. At worst... well I don't want to think about worse case scenarios.
So all I can do is sit here in his chair and wait for him to come back, just like he told me to do after the press conference. It's dark, it's late and the storm is still raging with a fury outside. I'm not looking forward to trying to get home in this weather.
This morning was just so...
Mrs. Landingham's funeral. I can't believe she's gone. I can't believe that she's not going to be here to give me advice or just talk. And I tell you I could *really* do with her advice right about now. I'm going to miss her so much it makes me feel like crying all over again, and I didn't think I could cry any more than I have already today.
It was a beautiful service. Josh said so too. There were so many people there. I sat next to Carol and the other assistants. Josh was sitting with Sam and Toby. He was one of the pallbearers. I think he felt honored to be asked to perform the task. I remember Mrs. Landingham sat with me when Josh was in hospital. Well just about *everyone* sat with me at some time while we waited. But I remember her telling me how Josh reminded her of President Bartlet when he was younger. She had a soft spot for the egomaniac that I worked for; he was one of the privileged few who were allowed to indulge her cookie treats.
I think he knew he was one of her special ones, but not in a puffed up arrogant way.
There was just something - mutual respect perhaps?
I don't know.
You're still wondering about that proposal I mentioned earlier aren't you? Well I'm getting to it, just stay with me.
It's been a big day.
Anyway, Josh and I had been in his office. The President wanted some information about the storm activity. Charlie brought it to me, so I went to tell Josh before I went over the road to the OEFB for the information.
He looked so...
I would have given anything to be able to hug him and tell him it would all work out. But I couldn't. I couldn't comfort him because, well for one I didn't know *how* it would work out. I mean what could I tell him that didn't sound like an empty platitude? We talked about the service and then I couldn't help myself. I had to ask him if after everything, this was how it worked? This was how it was all going to end? You know, I just couldn't believe that everything that he and everyone else had tried to achieve could be shoved in the trash like it didn't matter - that it was over?
He told me that this was how it was going to work today.
I guess with everything else, well why not throw this on top of it?
What more could go wrong today?
No, today wasn't going to be a good day in the history of the Bartlet administration. Not today, not in a hundred years would it ever be recorded as a good day.
I was about to leave when his phone rang. It was Leo. I handed it over to Josh just before Toby blustered in raving about Leo and a lifebuoy or something. Really, with the way the storm is blustering out there, a few lifeboats wouldn't have been totally out of the question.
Josh hung up, he told Toby it had been Leo and the answer was 'B'.
Don't you hate it when you have the answer but don't know the question? But I knew that whatever it was...
Josh's face, his tone... he looked numb. Toby understood the information. I had no idea but I knew it wasn't good.
Josh headed out of his office to go to Leo's. I tried to follow him; I actually had to make a few quick steps to catch up. Half way down the hall I finally caught him. He turned and looked at me.
He was... it was then I knew exactly what 'B' was.
"It's over? We're finished?" I asked him. And for what felt like the millionth time today I started to cry. I could feel the tears start to cascade down my face.
Then there was something else in his eyes. Something that I'd seen occasionally flash past, but I hadn't seen it stay there like this before. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times. He does that when his head knows exactly what he wants to say, but he doesn't quite trust his mouth to say it right.
No wonder they don't let him in the pressroom.
He pulled me into a side doorway.
Planted a hand firmly on each of my shoulders.
Then he looked straight into my eyes as he spoke.
I'll never forget his words until the day I die, and I can tell you I hope that's a long, *long* way down the track.
Okay, I was sort of stunned, so the *exact* words might not be, well... exact.
But he basically said to me, "The reign of Bartlet may be over, but you are I will *never* be finished."
He planted a kiss on my forehead and tried to wipe the tears away from my cheeks with his thumb. He can be really sweet like that.
Then he said... "we'll get married and you can go back to College if you want. I can get a job anywhere in this country, we'll be fine Donna. Trust me on this. *We* will never be finished."
Then he said he had to go see Leo and we'd talk after it was done.
And he was gone.
Did you catch it?
Yeah, it was there wasn't it.
I can go back to college after we get married.
Married!
To Joshua Lyman!
I've thought about what he said, over and over since this afternoon, and I can't for the life of me see that I could have misheard or misunderstood.
Back to college after *we* get married.
Neither of us is seeing anyone else.
Not that we're seeing each *other* either.
But really, I couldn't misinterpret the *we* to mean to marry other people. Meaning when we are both married to other people, I can go back to college, if I want. Because for something like that to be the case, it would be none of his business if I went back to college after I married someone else.
No, he must have meant us, together - us.
Finally I made my feet move, although my heart was still beating so hard I'm surprised no one rushed out to see what the noise was all about. I'm not sure how long I stood there, but I decided I should go back to my desk.
I needed to sit down.
I thought about sitting at my desk and thinking through it all for a few more minutes. Then I realized I couldn't. I had to get the information for the President. I wasn't sure if my legs would still work. They did, thank goodness. I had to get the research done for the President.
It was the least I could do.
It was difficult going in to see the President later with the details about the storm. You know, knowing he wasn't going to run for a second term. I didn't know how he could turn away when there are so many good things to be done.
I didn't see Josh after his statement until the press conference at the State Department that finished not so long ago.
Margaret took me over there in her car. I didn't want to risk being out in this storm, on my own, in *my* car. I didn't want to be alone full stop really.
Margaret and I didn't talk about what the President was going to say on the way there. I think she knew something serious was going down, but she was still reeling in shock from the other news about the President having MS. I felt bad that I knew and she didn't. She is the Chief of Staff's assistant, she should have known. Well maybe she did know. I mean, I couldn't tell anyone I knew, so it wasn't like she could tell me either. But she still seemed shocked at the announcement.
CJ was obviously already at the press conference, fielding off a barrage of questions. We arrived just before the President and Senior Staff, who traveled together in the motorcade. Margaret and I stood up at the back of the room, our coats dripping from the downpour outside. The press storm was raging almost as much inside. I could see Josh up there with Sam and Toby. He seemed to be distracted, glancing around the room. At first I was worried all the flashes from the cameras might set off a PTSD attack. I know it's been awhile, and he's been fine. But it's been an extremely stressful couple of days, and I couldn't help but worry. He seemed to be looking around the room. I overheard CJ with the President this afternoon, that there was a signal of some kind. I was wondering whom he was trying to locate until our eyes met and he gave me a slight nod.
It was me he was looking for.
My breath caught for a second or two. I couldn't be up there with him, where I should have been to help him through the next few minutes, but our eyes were fixed on each other for that second and I knew we didn't need to physically be side by side.
We were already together.
But what happened next... well I think it might have changed everything.
The President called for a question, and when the reporter stood, the shocked look on the faces of the Senior Staff were, let's say... noticeable. Something was going on, and I don't think I was the only who didn't know what it was. Yet another example of my 'what the hell happened' structure for the day. Margaret nudged me and whispered that she didn't know what was going on, but Leo was grinning like the cat that had just been fed the cream.
Perhaps he was the only one who had the answer this time.
Then it happened.
The President made the reporter repeat the question. You know he certainly can work a crowd. He knows all the tricks to get the most dramatic effect.
The question had been, whether or not he was going to run for a second term. I knew the answer was already "B" - no he wasn't, this was the end.
But he said - yes.
Yes?
Yes, he's going to run for a second term.
No wonder the senior staff looked shocked. This wasn't answer "B", this was answer "A"... this was answer "A".
Margaret of course had no idea that this wasn't what was meant to happen. I stood there watching and listening as the press continued to fire questions at the President. I could see Josh was in discussion as discretely as possible with the rest of the senior staff; he was back in fighting mode.
I hope they *all* are because I think this is going to be one hell of a fight.
And then that was it. The press conference broke and 'the President had left the building...'
Okay, so I'm probably the only one who would think it was funny! He has more security guards than Elvis ever did.
Margaret and I made our move towards the front of the podium. She made a beeline for Leo and I sought out Josh to see what he needed me to do.
I asked him what he needed. He told me that he needed me in his office when he got back. They were heading straight for Leo's office and then he would be back in his office - we needed to talk, he said.
I traveled back again with Margaret and we chatted about how everything was going to get even more stressful for us. Since the meeting was in Leo's office, she headed back to her desk.
So here I am.
Sitting back in Josh's chair, my shoes on the floor and my feet up on the sill. I'm totally transfixed by the patterns the rain is making on the window as it hits and then runs down the glass.
This is so...
I came in here, sorted out a bit of the paperwork scattered over Josh's desk. I don't know how he does it. It can be all organized and neat and within a few minutes of him being in here, it's in chaos again!
So I guess this means with a lot of damn hard work and a little bit of luck, we're going to make it back here for another four years.
And I guess that changes things.
Lucky I suppose I didn't have time to get any information about colleges and courses. Plan what major I really want to do. I didn't get the chance to stress about the cost of textbooks, or what people wore on campus these days. I didn't get the chance to worry about how on earth an essay had to be written, the hassle of footnoting everything that was put on paper, how stressful exams were...
Oh yeah...
I didn't get the chance to buy one edition of 'Mode for Brides' either...
Saved myself a few bucks eh?
"Donna?"
Honestly, I nearly fell out of my chair... well his chair. I didn't hear him come back, but now as I take my feet off the ledge and turn the chair slightly, I can see him leaning against the closed door.
"Hey," I say. Okay, so it wasn't the most insightful thing to say. Sue me! He's the one with the 760 verbal. Just ask him. But at the moment I wouldn't. He looks terrible. He looks more disheveled than usual for this time of night.
Yeah I know, *that* bad.
I'm not sure where his jacket is; perhaps he left it in Leo's office. I'll have to phone Margaret later and check. His top button is undone and his tie is all loose and askew. His hair... okay let's not try to put a description to it.
I don't think any words would do it justice.
"So" he breathes.
Yeah, 760 verbal.
One of these days I'm going to do some research into that one. If he can get a fish on the Dean's list and 18 credits, I'm sure there is something about the 760 he's not telling me.
Hmm. I have to say usually we have this thing. This thing where we know what the means, or is about to say...
Perhaps the storm has knocked out more than just the visible communication lines because I have absolutely no idea where this is going.
"It's still raining," I say as I turn back to the window. I can make out his reflection in the glass in front of me.
"Yeah, it's really *wet* out there," he replies.
760 - not possible.
"The President wasn't going to do what was he?" I ask, looking up at him in the reflection. He can see me from the glass too.
"No."
"He was going to say, *that's it, one term is enough* wasn't he? That's why you all looked so shocked," I state.
I can see him approach me. I sit still in the chair. He sits behind me on the edge of his desk and leans on the back of the chair. His arms across the top and he rests his chin on the top of his hands while focusing on my reflection rather than looking down on me.
"It was supposed to be answer 'B'. We were told this afternoon it was answer 'B.' you were here, you heard it."
I nod.
"So was there a mistake? Were the answers - mislabeled?" I ask. How did they get it so wrong? I mean these are our lives at stake.
"No. No mistake. The President changed his mind. He's the leader of the free world, I guess he's allowed to do that," Josh sighed and lay his cheek against his hands.
He looks so wrung out.
We sit there in silence for a while. Both watching our reflections, the rain...
"Today's been an awful... so how are ya doin' Donna?" he asks as he picks up a few strands of my hair, running them through his fingers.
"I'm holding it together I think," I tell him. Because really, I am. Nothing a serious drinking session wouldn't fix, or a full nights sleep. Actually the sleep sounds more inviting. But I wonder if I should mention...
"There was one thing that wasn't awful about today," I tell him. Okay, I could have ignored it. Waited to see if he said anything. But I don't know if I'd get any sleep tonight if it were left hanging over me.
"Yeah," he breathes as he plays with more strands of my hair. "It wasn't meant to come out like that," he adds looking at me in my reflection.
Okay, so is that it? I'm really glad I didn't rush out and buy one of those magazines if it was.
"It's okay," I tell him. "I'm sure I can forget about it. You were under stress and..."
That's as far as I get before the fact that one of his hands has just dropped to my right cheek stops me cold in my tracks. A shiver runs heavily down my spine and he must have felt it.
"You okay?" he asks. He's all concerned. The shiver is nothing new; but I guess he's never felt it run through *me* before.
"Yeah, I'm okay," I reply.
He puts his hand under my chin. It makes me look up at him, rather than at his reflection.
"When I said it wasn't meant to come out like that, I didn't mean it was meant to come out. I meant that I wish I had done it better. I wanted it to be better; I wanted it to be *perfect*. But when you asked me..."
I can see he's looking for the words. He's not good at this. If it's political, his articulation is insurmountable. If it's emotional in a political sense then he's an impassioned combatant. But if it's emotional on a personal point of view...
Josh is lost in a thick forest without a map or compass.
He tries to continue. "When you asked me," he repeats. "God Donna, I would have killed and maimed to have taken that pain from your eyes. I knew I had to let you know that I'm always going to be here for you, that you didn't have to fear the future. I needed you to know, I knew it was important."
I try to nod, but it's a bit difficult when he holds my face turned up to his. I have to do this, I can't believe after wanting for so long... but I have to say it.
"The answer wasn't 'B' Josh."
"No," he replies with a half smile that dances across his face. Not enough to show dimples, but a smile nonetheless. "It was 'A'."
"Yeah." I mean I don't know what to say here. I'm tired and prone to get emotional at the drop of a hat.
"Yeah. So I was thinking..."
"It's okay Josh," I tell him. "The answer wasn't 'B' so I guess that means you don't have to..."
"Donna, what I said..."
"You told me you were going to marry me," I state. I'm tired, and if this is going to be one of his famous retractions, I just want to get it over and done with so I can go home and get some sleep before I have to be back in here and help fight the good fight.
"You noticed. I was hoping you might. Not the most romantic way..."
I scoff. Probably not very polite - but Josh just uttered a word that I didn't think he knew how to pronounce, let alone know what it meant.
"Romantic?" I chuckle.
"I can be romantic," he replies indignantly.
Well that should earn him another scoff!
"Are you suggesting I can't be romantic?" he accuses.
"I'm still shocked that you have the word in your vocabulary, Josh," I tease.
Don't ask me why I'm doing this, I should just shut my mouth, but I remember the old rhyme about 'if you love something set it free...' yadda yadda. I don't want to Josh to think he's now bound to me because of something he said when the going got too tough for him.
"It was answer 'A' Josh... not 'B'. I won't hold it against you if you don't want to..."
"Stop! Is this because... are you saying that you don't want to?" he asks.
"I'm not saying that at all Josh," I tell him. Hell no, that's not what I'm saying at all. Please don't let this derail before we get to the end. "I just didn't want you to think that because you said it... Josh we haven't even been out together."
"We go out all the time," he replies giving me one of those confused looks.
"I mean socially, Josh. Just you and me," I tell him. I mean I have to tell him or he will count all those times I supervised him and Sam on one of their little intoxication sessions.
"What? Like on a... a date? That's for college kids Donna or people who don't really know each other that well," he informs me. "I think we're past all that stuff."
I give him my best pout. It's a good weapon to have. Every woman should have a good weapon - me?
I pout.
He tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear. Honestly, it's probably only a stray strand because he's been playing with my hair. I swear if it's all messed up, I'll be forced to take serious action.
Yeah, I'll tell the President that Josh is fascinated by the mating habits of the aardvark. I'm sure the President could pull up some trivia on the animal. Hey, I could even help him find some information.
Where was I?
Oh yes, pouting.
"I'm not going to be one of those women you fall into sideways Josh."
"I don't want you to be," he replies.
"I want dinner and movies, time away from the office to just be us," I tell him.
"Okay, let's go."
Honestly! Is this really the man I want to spend my life with?
Rhetorical!
Don't worry; I haven't made it this far to give up now!
"Not right *now* Joshua. What I want to do now is go home to bed, it's been a... No Joshua! That was *not* an invitation!"
My God you should have seen the look on his face when I said I wanted to go to bed! He's... he's... hell; he's in love with me!
"You will though, won't you?" he asks.
Okay, we're back to the big question, 760 verbal? I still think he fixed it!
"What? Sleep with you Josh?" I ask straight out.
"No! No... well yeah, but that wasn't what I was asking. The other thing I asked you," he rambles.
Ahhhh...
"I don't remember you *asking* me anything Josh," I tell him. Because really, he hasn't actually asked me.
What the? What is he... Oh my God!
Josh has just moved around in front of me and he's... he's kneeling... Oh my God... I think I'm going to cry again!
He's grabbed hold of my hands and he's got this focused look on his face.
"Donna," he virtually breathes my name... oh I am crying. This is so...
Romantic!
Joshua Lyman - who would have thought!
"Yes I will." I say.
He smiles, full on dimple grin. He rubs one of the tears from my cheek with his thumb while still holding my hands. "I haven't asked you yet."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cry, smile and breathe all at the same time?
"Donna. I need you to bear with me for a minute. Look, I'll say right now, this isn't going to be very eloquent. If I'd thought it through properly, I would have gotten Sam to help me with a few words. But I didn't - this is all me so here goes.
I think you love me, and I know I love you. Took me awhile to admit it to myself because... well, it just did. Hell Donna, I can hardly remember a time without you in my life. And if I can, I... I keep wondering what it would have been like if you'd been there.
You could have saved me from so many mistakes. The thought of you not in my future is, is...it's incomprehensible. I want us to grow old together... which for me is gonna start happenin' way before you, but if you think you could put up with me... marry me Donna."
Okay, that thing about the 760 verbal? I've just decided it was true!
He da man!
But I don't seem to be able to speak, and my jaw is aching from smiling.
"Donna for goodness sake answer him before he self-combusts!"
Oh my God! That's Toby's voice! I can't see him because I am still facing the window and I didn't hear the door open, I was too busy... yeah, crying and being happy.
Josh looks just as surprised, and he looks up at Toby who is obviously standing in the doorway and then back to me.
All I can do is nod rapidly at him.
"Yes?"
"Yes," I manage somehow to say.
"Really? You will?"
"Yes Josh, I really will!" I laugh. He's unbelievable! He wants an answer and then when I give it, he goes questioning me!
"I'd kiss you right now if we didn't have an audience," he tells me with a mischievous glint.
"Oh pllllease!" comes a comment from the peanut gallery that is Toby.
"Donna if Josh ever does anything to hurt or upset you, let me know. I have contacts," Toby continues.
It makes me smile, and I turn my chair around as Josh finally stands and tries to stretch the aches from his legs.
"Thank you Toby." I reply.
"Hey, I thought you were *my* wingman?" complains Josh.
"She's prettier," he replies, gives me a rueful grin and then turns on his heels.
"So I'm thinking," I tell him. "Keeping this quiet is not an option now that Toby knows?"
"It never was an option," he replies. Which makes me even happier. I can openly be in love with Josh! Then I realize something else...
"Josh, we're alone now," I say as I stand up.
"Yeah?"
Ohhh brother! This is going to be a major challenge... do I get danger money I wonder.
Sometimes he can be so damn...
"So I guess you'd like me to kiss you?" he breathes.
Perfect!
The end.