Numb.
That's the only way to describe how I feel about my brother Jonathan's death. I don't know how to deal with all the pain. I never got to grieve the loss of the most important person in my life.
It all started three years ago, when, instead of killing me, my father murdered my brother in our apartment.
My father, Valentine, had severe issues. He would beat my brother and I up and treat us like slaves. He never loved us; he saw us as his personal workers.
That's what's so sick about it. Imagine growing up every day of your life, knowing all the pain you would have to face, and either getting up anyway or dying. It's nearly impossible to fathom for anyone who hasn't directly experienced it.
I will never forget August 24th of 2010—the day my brother was murdered. It started off as an ordinary day: I got up, made breakfast, and cleaned the house. The day was anything but ordinary, though; it was my parents' wedding anniversary.
When my dad started gambling, my mom left him. I can't really blame her for leaving, but not taking us with her seems crazy to me. I guess she is part of the blame.
Anyway, my dad walked through the door at 9am; he never came home the night before, and he was angry. He was out all night gambling away the little money we had. Of course, he lost all of it. He was still extremely drunk, stumbling into our tiny apartment. He kept screaming for my mom, thinking I was she.
"Jocelyn, come here right now! It's our anniversary; we're going out, so let's go," he yelled.
"Dad, it's Clary, not Jocelyn. You're drunk. Mom left three years ago. Please, sit down before your break something." I begged for him to understand me.
"What are you talking about? Stop lying. I know who you are; you're my wife. Now get over here," he said.
"I'm not Jocelyn. It's your daughter, Clary," I pleaded with him. He walked over closer to me and slapped me across the face.
"Stop playing games, Jocelyn; I know what you're trying to do."
I whimpered from the slap. That wasn't the end of it, though. He kicked me in stomach, causing me to fall to the floor. I tried scooting away to the corner, but it was no use; I was weak from the kick. He kept hurting me, but I don't remember much; I blacked out. I still see the daily reminder through the scars covering my body.
My brother walked in while I was conscious in the corner. He saw our father hitting me and jumped on top of him. Without Jonathan rushing in like that, I would've died easily. He sacrificed his life for mine. Father was angry that Jonathan tried to protect me, so he beat him, too. Jonathan put up a fight, but, sadly, he didn't make it through our father's actions.
Valentine passed out next to Jonathan's corpse. It took all the strength in me to get up and call 911. The police came in and immediately arrested my father. He later went to trial and was condemned with a life sentence. Father and Jonathan were the only family I was in contact with. That left me an orphan, so the authorities tracked down my mom, and I went to live with her and her husband, Luke.
It took some adjusting to my new life in Tennessee, especially grieving the loss of my best friend. Mom was apologetic about leaving us with our father. It took time, but I began to forgive her. There was nothing I could do, anyway; she left us with that monster, and there was no going back from that. Luke was nice to me the day I met him. I knew we would get along; it just took me a little bit of time to trust him. Now we're good, and he treats me like his flesh and blood.
Since I moved in with my mom, I would have to go to school. That wasn't something I wasn't familiar with. Jonathan and I had early education but after while Valentine made us stay home, so we would teach ourselves with what we had.
My life was much better when I met Simon Lewis, my best friend. I was sitting by myself outside, eating my lunch, and he came and sat next to me. We talked about comic books and silly stuff. It felt good to have someone that listened to me. We have been friends ever since; he works at my mom's art studio after school. Mom and Luke were glad I made a friend and wasn't completely alone.
They tried to send me to therapy, but nothing helped, and I don't think anything ever will. I've heard time heals all wounds, but it's been three years and I can't get the image of his dying body out of my head. I never got to say goodbye or thank him for all he did for me, and I never will, either.
If I could go back to that day and die in his place, I would. He was better than me; he had a brighter future and life ahead. He had big dreams—he wanted to get us out of our father's custody, get an apartment for us, go to college, and support us. Sadly, he never will get to do that.
My only goal was to get out of the hellhole called my daily life in Valentine's threshold. Losing my brother was more painful than I ever imagined. Every day is a struggle, but I will push through and be strong, because that's what Jonathan would've wanted—for me to be happy.
I'm going to try to give him that.
I wake up early today to meet Simon at our favorite coffee shop. We walk to school together every morning and occasionally stop for coffee. Today is the day; I let myself have my favorite breakfast: black coffee and a cranberry scone. Overall, I'm excited. Today's going to be good. I have a strong feeling about this. I meet Simon at the corner and we walk together towards the coffee shop.
"Hey, Clary," Simon says.
"Morning, Simon. I'm ready for coffee, but I'm not really awake yet," I say.
"No one ever is truly awake at this hour." Simon laughs.
"Did you finish reading the comic I gave you?" I ask. Simon and I share comics, since they're so expensive.
"Yeah, I did. It was really good. My favorite character was definitely Sam—she's hot, likes comics, and kicks ass. Where am I going to find a girl like that?" Simon asks
"Oh, please. She doesn't exist; she's a character," I say, laughing.
"You don't know that. I'll find her one day," Simon proclaims.
"You do that, Simon," I add.
We finally arrive at The Brew. I find our usual table and put my stuff on it. The shop has a cozy atmosphere; the walls are painted a light shade of brown, and pictures from my mom's shop hang on the walls. The owners of the coffee shop are big supporters of her studio.
The shop is unusually empty, except for a group of teenagers—a tall boy with brown hair and strikingly blue eyes, a girl with long brown hair, and a tall boy with golden hair and honey-colored eyes unlike any I've seen before. The girl and boy with the brown hair look like siblings, but the golden boy is different
"Hey Redhead, stop staring," the golden boy says with a smirk.
I immediately cower.
"Jace, stop it, that's not nice," the girl says to him. She walks over to me.
"I'm sorry about him; he's just bitter about moving. I'm Izzy, what's your name?" she says in a bubbly tone.
"It's fine. I'm Clary; nice to meet you," I reply, a little apprehensive. This girl looked like a runway model not something you see too often here.
"That's such a pretty name! These are Alec and Jace, my brothers. We just moved here from New York," Izzy says.
"That's my friend Simon; he's in line buying coffee," I say.
"What school do you guys go to?" Izzy asks.
"Alicante Prep. We're juniors," I answer.
"No way! Today's our first day there. I'm a junior too; Alec and Jace are seniors. Do you mind if we walk with you guys to school? I don't really know where I'm going," she asks, seemingly shy but still with an air of confidence.
"Yeah, of course. We should get going, though. School is starting soon enough," I say, and she nods.
"Clary and Simon are going to walk us to school. They go to Alicante, too. Isn't that just awesome?" she says to the boys.
Both boys nod.
"Simon, this is Izzy, Alec, and Jace, and they're going to walk with us to school. It's their first day," I tell Simon.
"Hi, Simon. I'm Izzy," she says. Simon's mouth drops. He's in shock; she awed him.
I walk out of the shop, and everyone follows. Simon and Izzy are in the back, talking about god knows what. I see Jace out of the corner of my eye, walking closer to me.
"So, Red, what's your story?"
"Maybe you'll find out one day," I smirk at him and run up further, leaving him in the dust. He is a typical player, not a southern gentlemen. I bet he'll be popular on his first day. I'll put up with him because I like Izzy. She seems really nice, and I don't have any girl friends.
"Welcome to Alicante High," I say, pointing to our big school.
"Looks pretty nice," Izzy says. As nice as you can get for a public school, I think to myself.
"Well, the main office is down the hall. Here's my number; text me if you need anything," I say, quickly scribbling my number on a piece of paper. Jace tries to snatch it from Izzy.
"That's not for you, Blondie." I smirk. Jace looks defeated, but still cocky. One for Clary, zero for Jace!
"Thanks, Clary. I'll text you at lunch. Maybe we can sit together?" Izzy asks a little nervously.
"Yeah, that sounds great. Have a good first day," Simon says, rushing to speak before me.
"What he said," I add, laughing. Simon is stepping up his game. Izzy and her brothers walk away.
"Smooth, Simon, smooth," I tell him, still laughing.
"I try" he says.
"See you in math," I reply.
"Will do! Bye," he says, walking toward his homeroom. I stop at my locker to get my books for my first class, and then head to my homeroom. I walk into the room, sit at my seat, and pull out my notebook, where I start doodling on a page. The door swings wide open with a jolt. Jace is standing in the doorway.
"Class, this is Jace Wayland, and he is in our homeroom. Be nice and show him around," the teacher says.
"Clary has already been kind enough to show me to the main office," Jace says to the teacher.
"Then why don't you sit next to her?" the teacher suggests.
"That would be great," he replies. He walks over to me and sets his stuff down.
"Ugh, why did you do that? Didn't you get the hint that I am not interested?" I ask.
"Who says that I'm interested?" Jace says, biting his lip. Great going, Clary. He doesn't even like you, and you're bringing attention to it!
"Well, ugh." I am beyond flustered.
Homeroom is over pretty quickly after that talk, thank goodness. I check my phone to see that Izzy texted me.
Izzy: Hey, girl, I got my schedule. I told the lady I knew you and she said we have like 4 classes together, so yay! I'm off to math. I hope you're in that class!
Clary: Awesome! And yes, I'm in that class, see u in a few
Izzy: kk
I walk into math and I see Izzy as expected. She smiles at me, and I walk over to her. I just met her, but I think we will be good friends.
"How's your first day going?" I ask.
"Pretty well. Your friend Simon is pretty cute," she says, blushing.
"You should talk to him, then; he's really shy around girls," I say, trying to help Simon out.
"There's nothing going on between you two, right? I don't want to get in the middle of that," she tells me.
"Ew, no. We're just friends, and that's all we'll ever be. Go for it, girl," I say, laughing.
"Alright, I'll try," she replies, joining in with my laughter. Maybe the two of them will become something. I think Izzy would be good for Simon and vice versa.
Math goes by like any other class. I have some more classes that go fine, too, but I'm ready for lunch to see my new friends. I walk into the cafeteria and I see Alec standing by himself. I decide to go over to him.
"Hey, Alec. How's your first day going?" I ask.
"It's okay. I'm not like Izzy and Jace; I can't make friends that easily," he says, a little ashamed.
"I'm like that, too. How about you sit with us at lunch? It will be Simon, Izzy, Magnus, and me."
"Okay, but who's Magnus?" he asks.
"Oh, you'll see," I say, winking. Magnus can't really be described; you just have to meet him. He's really unique, but we love him nonetheless.
"Okay, I think I see Izzy," he says and waves her over. She waves back and walks towards us.
"Hey, guys. I'm so ready for lunch. I'm starving. I tried eating an apple in Mr. Mark's class and, for some reason, he yelled at me. I can't help it if I'm hungry," she says.
I start laughing crazily.
"Oh, Izzy, let's get in line," I say. She follows me. We get sandwiches and sit down at a table. Simon, Alec and Magnus sit down, too.
"Alec, this is Magnus. Magnus, this is Alec," I say, introducing the two of them. They both say hi to each other, and it seems like they will get along just fine. It also seems like Jace has settled in; he is sitting with the soccer team and their girlfriends. Kaelie's even sitting on his lap. That's Kaelie, though, always trying to get some. A perfect match, it seems.
"Clary, why are you staring at my brother?" Izzy asks.
"I am not. I just noticed how the school slut was sitting on him," I say, defending myself.
"That's Jace's type," Izzy tells me. Well, I was right about the perfect match thing. I finish eating my sandwich and throw out my trash. Jace sees me and winks, but I'm not even shocked.
School is over a couple of hours after lunch, and I started to walk home. Jace, Izzy and Alec drive by me, and I notice a woman in the driver's seat.
"Hey, Clary. This is my mom, Maryse. Do you want a ride?" Izzy asks, rolling down her window.
"Oh, no, it's fine. You guys still have to unpack all your stuff; I can just walk," I say, being polite.
"It's fine, sweetie; hop in," Maryse says. I do as she says and give her my address.
"No way! We bought the house next door. We're neighbors!" Izzy squeals.
"That's awesome! I've never had a friend live near me," I say.
The Lightwoods drop me off at home, and Izzy and I make plans to walk to school together tomorrow. When I walk inside my house, there is a note on the counter.
Clary,
Luke and I went to an art show in the city. We'll be back tomorrow night. There's money in the drawer for necessities. See you tomorrow. Love you!
Well, I guess I'm alone, then.
My night consists of reading fanfiction, eating mac and cheese, and watching TV. Oh, the crazy teenage life I live.
There's always tomorrow.
AN:First chapter of Truly, Madly, Deeply with 2018 re-writes.
Thank you to my amazing beta Camille (rippingbutterflywings) for putting up with all my grammatical errors, she's a trooper.