Undeserving

By mistakenXsilence

I am not alone.

I've realize this, and I've stopped drifting, running away from the world. I yearn to renew the renewed life from two years ago, now that the weight on my shoulders have been lifted.

To live for my family. To protect the ones I love.

These are the thoughts that keep me by each day. Just seeing Marlene and Denzel's lit up faces as I return home early in the night are enough to satisfy my meaning in this world. My desire to create a life worth living, a life filled with hope and love, feels greater than all the ambitions I ever needed to fulfill in my life.

And then there's her. Though I have forgiven myself, and eager to start anew, I have nothing.

Yet still, I feel that I am unworthy. My hands are tainted, with the years of sorrow and bloodshed still visible in me. The scars, the ambiance of my very being is still yet to be washed. I know that she had also gone through my hardships and guilt, but her experience can never compare to mine. I've caused so many people too much pain, in exchange for nothing but more pain.

She is an angel, while I am sinful. For how can someone like me be worthy of her? Her beauty far surpasses any living being in this world, that beauty glowing into her very soul. She is a goddess, so pure, so fragile, yet so strong, loving, and compassionate, living only for others, while none of the attention was left for even herself.

My reality returned, the dimness of the scene that stood in front of me seeping back into place by a small sound of a thud. A coffee mug on the surface of the table. Looking up, I saw Tifa, showing me that same look of worry that she often wore.

"Cloud? Are you alright?" asked Tifa, her concern evident in her voice.

"Fine." I answered.

"What's wrong?" she pursued me.

"Nothing." I stated once more, in that voice that completely shut her away.

I see her recoil slightly, and the hurt in her eyes. But I cannot find the words to take back what I've said.
"You just seem tired, that's all." said Tifa, gathering her poise from my reply.

She turned around from me and returned behind the marble countertop of the bar. Pulling out a dirty, battered rag, she swept the surface to rid it spotless, and puttered around with what was left to putter for the day. She glanced briefly at the sight of the wall clock.

11:37 P.M.

I sipped the coffee from the mug she served me a while ago. From the corner of my eyes I saw her open her mouth, then close them, and open her mouth, just to close them once more.

I was no fool. I understood that Tifa, as kind as she was, tried to open a conversation with me. But I rendered myself cold, pulling away the warmth she was willing to give.

I am more than willing to sacrifice my hope, my dignity, my life, just for her. For she is whom my deepest feelings harbor for. Her happiness is my happiness. Her sorrows are my sorrows. I live for her; I want nothing but for her to find the love that she deserves.

And that love is not something I can give. It is not I that is meant to be her love.

I am undeserving.

Without my awareness I saw her standing by the bottom of the stairs, looking back at me, masking her sadness with a pained, but still, a smile.

"Are you going to be alright by yourself? I'm going to bed, and you'll have to put those away yourself." she pointed at the mug that I cupped in my hands.

"Alright." I told her.

"Don't forget to turn off the lights."

"Yes."

"And make sure the doors are locked."

"Of course."

"Well, goodnight." she bid me.

Tifa stared back at me in the final hopes of hearing a goodnight farewell. My insides quivered in temptation, but instead I drew the mug of coffee to my lips to avoid spilling the words. Though she thought I did not see, I did, a frown that formed on her face, moments before she finally looked away from me and made her way upstairs.

I hurt her.

Guilt engulfs me, and I fight the urge to say her name and confess the words that never once left my mouth. These feelings suppressed so deep, and the guilt, eating away at my very core.

If I cannot be the source of her happiness, then why do I continue to hurt her? Why do I allow myself to torment her, and torment myself in return? Though I believe that in time my attempts of distancing myself from her will cause a greater good, I cannot deal with the fault.

I am hurting her.

I want to be the one for her.

But I cannot be.

The clock read 12:01 A.M. I soon finished draining my coffee and brought them to the sink to cleanse. After doing so, I secured the house lock, and turned off the lights just as I said I would. Then I groped my way up the dark hall of the stairs, and into my room. There I reached for the bathroom door to do my last preparation for slumber, but before I could sink to the awaiting comfort of my bed, Tifa's expression flashed in my mind.

"Well, goodnight." accompanied with that smile I knew so well. The one that had been occurring more and more every time I spoke to her. My insides twitched once more in guilt.

Unaware of my actions, I left my room to linger by the doorway of Tifa's. I knocked and received no answer, then I knocked again, to find myself silently twisting the knob of the door to enter her room.

A cold breeze swept my face the moment in came in. I moved to the open window and closed it, preventing more accumulated chill inside Tifa's heavenly room. I saw her shuffle slightly, but she remained unconscious from my doings.

I, as useless as I could, acted upon my instincts and kneeled upon the bed that she slept in. I folded my arms and placed it on her mattress, resting my chin on the arm that I positioned on her bed. I admired her, my face a feet away from hers, just staring at her movements, and the evenly paced breathing out from her mouth.

I do not know how long I stayed there, but time appeared to have stopped. I could not seem to get tired of her beautiful face, admiring every inch of her flawless features. The motionless eyelids that hid her warm brown orbs, the slender form of her nose, the soft lips of hers that I yearned to touch so. Her silky tress of black flowed down her back, with a few strands that covered the sides of her face...
I reached out to caress her face, lining her jaws, her lips, her eyes, all of her serene beauty. Every touch felt wrong, but my insides mixed and churned and I could not stop myself. I was mesmerized, intoxicated, unstoppable.

My hand drew back when I saw her eyes flutter half open. I held my breath, waiting for her unknown reaction.

"Cloud…? What are you… doing here…?" she whispered quietly, still partially asleep.

And in that moment of weakness, I did not hold back.

"I wanted to say… goodnight." I affectionately uttered to her, and my heart filled with pleasure as she smiled in return.

"You're so… sweet, Cloud…goodnight to you too…" she murmured lovingly.

I returned the smile, and allowed her to go back to her peaceful heaven that she failed to sustain to converse with me. But I was alright. I was satisfied.

I am undeserving of her. Of which I must continue to push her away, for her to obtain what she deserves.

But must it really be this way? I am to blame for feeling such feelings for her? Am I sinning to allow us to love each other in ways we clearly desire?

I do not know. Though I constantly remind myself of keeping away, I cannot hold back. I cannot continue to restrain myself, and hesitate for the moments I yearn to feel.

Yet still, I am undeserving.

Author's Note: My first CloudxTifa fic. Hope you guys like it! Inspired by listening to the sorrowful music on the piano.

Please read and review!