He breathes out shakily, warm vapour quickly condensing to a visible cloud, as he sits, leant back against the back of a bench. His mind thumps with some pain, an echo of leftover too-loud music. He closes his eyes and tilts his head forward, long red hair sweeping forward to hide his face. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he wills his psyche to pull itself together, for all the drifting, quivering elements of his thoughts to compile back into the armour he holds around himself, unbreakable. He despises the chaos currently surrounding him, wishes for stability in place of confusion and heartache.
He's still breathing in ragged gasps, trying to reform his barrier against all of this, these emotions that plague him, showing him that he isn't strong enough. He will always be weak if he cannot control them, swirling dark masses of feelings that lurk within him, constantly suppressed for fear of leakage.
But that meagre control over them isn't enough, will never be enough, because he must strengthen his defences against the tide, the flood that rises up within him, pressing on the edges of his walls, constantly searching for that weak spot. The flood that is caused by just one.
Silver doesn't care for many people. But the few he does care about, he cares for with shielded, yet strong emotions. The one with lustrous, warm metallic eyes always sends the biggest flood, full of all the hatred, all the love, jealousy, happiness and fear, just to test his limits. Only rarely can he escape that flood; he must ride it out, let the storm play within his heart.
Oh how he hates it.
It's always with trepidation that he even approaches Gold, challenges him through gritted teeth to a battle, if only so he can throw all his emotions into that as some kind of outlet. He dreads the moments when they can't battle, for then he must simply cope. Pray that Gold never notices his clenched fists, tense attitude and clipped voice.
He's beginning to regain his breathing, override the panic sensors that overwhelm him in such situations, everything draining away slowly, drip by drip, until it reaches a level at which he can manage, below the dam, held back once more.
Once he believes he has a grip over himself again, he opens his eyes, removing his hand from his face, ready to face the world with a passive expression and let no one know of his daily fight against his human nature.
Golden eyes stare back at him, far too close to be comfortable with and oddly bright; Silver jumps back in shock, back on red-alert.
"Are you alright? You kinda left in a hurry, so I wasn't sure..." Gold appears to acknowledge his proximity, seating himself on the bench next to Silver, unaware of the mental struggle he has restarted.
"Leave me alone, I'm fine." He mutters frustratedly, laying his hands on the bench either side of him and looking off into the distance, away from Gold. If he can ignore the other trainer, he'll eventually give up, and then... (then he'll be left to cope next time, it's such a vicious circle he's in)
Typically, Gold doesn't give up, stubborn as he is.
"You don't seem fine to me..." Silver resolutely stays in exactly the same position, refusing to respond. He can already feel the flood waters rising, higher and higher...
They sit, outwardly seeming content, for a long while, long enough for Silver to consider that it wouldn't look too strange if he ran away under the guise of going home.
Then he yelps, hand suddenly feeling as if it's on fire. Silver goes to withdraw it but finds he can't - looking down at it, he finds Gold's hand as the source of the heat. His eyes widen, shock overtaking his usual look of annoyance. Gold doesn't remove his hand at Silver's reaction, instead entwining their fingers, spreading white hot warmth further.
"What are you doing?" Silver hisses, making somewhat feeble attempts to get away. Gold grins innocently, shuffling closer so their bodies almost touch, despite Silver uncomfortably shifting away.
"You looked cold!" With that, Gold leans against him, searing heat wherever Gold is, making a painfully clear distinction between the night air and oncoming madness.
His muscles freeze up, leaving him trying to process what course of action to take: whether to run, stay perfectly still, or reciprocate. Of course, the last option is more than impossible to him - he plans on taking this particular secret to his grave, plaguing only one mind. Gold will not ever know of Silver's... 'affections' for him. (He never considers what he'd do if it so happened that Gold held him in the same kind of regard, because in his mind, there is no possibility) Running seems to out of question with the iron-grip Gold has on his hand, although it's his preferred option.
Out of places to escape to, Silver remains stock still, trying to keep his breathing regulated and his mind away from the distracting presence next to him, overwhelming his senses.
Gold, meanwhile, grins. It's taken him a while, but he's not as stupid as some people seem to presume (a fact that is mildly hurtful, albeit rather useful), and he's noticed certain things about his rival. How his eyes grow passionate when he's about to battle Gold. Like how his calm demeanour seems just a bit forced around him, how he escapes at the first chance, yet keeps coming back. The party, and staying close to Silver during it, was to test his theory that Silver has stronger feelings for him.
It appears that it is true.
Gold knows he is fraying the edges of Silver's control, but if this will make him see, finally, that Gold wants him just as much, and that he doesn't have to deny it, it can only be good.
Gathering his courage and praying he isn't wrong, Gold shuffles even closer to Silver, pressing his body against him and sweeping some snow from his rival's hair with the hand that isn't wrapped around Silver's, and enjoys the hitch of breath he hears.
"Aren't you cold?" he enquires softly, fully aware of the effect it's having. His rival's hand tightens subconsciously, and Gold recognises that Silver has hit some kind of limit, staring into space. "You're shivering."
Quicker than Gold can fully discern, he finds his back slammed against the bench, Silver standing over him, hands either side of Gold's head, and he looks furious.
"You're doing this on purpose!" Silver practically hisses, anger and - surprisingly - pain flashing in his eyes, stormy grey. Gold watches with wide eyes as he seethes for a moment, before his face softens. A hint of a smile graces his lips, before he tucks a lock of red hair behind Silver's ear, causing his rival to narrow grey eyes in confusion.
"It's only because I love you too."
He knows that he isn't meant to say it. Gold hadn't planned on mentioning it yet, and he isn't even sure what possessed him, but he knows that the words feel right on his tongue. It doesn't matter to him that Silver does nothing to reciprocate them, merely raising an eyebrow - because disgust doesn't pass over his face, Gold can clearly see. Some kind of pre-existing pain and sorrow, mild curiosity, and some shock, yes; but not disgust.
Ignoring a muttered 'Too?' from Silver, Gold pulls him down to smash their lips together, a messy expression of his relief, and he's all too aware of everything: the heat of Silver so close to him, the freezing bench and breezes that circle them both. That Silver doesn't pull away, even responds, albeit with less vigour than Gold, is testament to his theory, and every bit of anxiety about this confrontation that he might have had melts to elation; suddenly Gold is happy that he isn't standing because he's sure that he'd fall, bones having turned to jelly.
He's not sure when he closed his eyes (although possibly when Silver became too close to focus on properly and his eyes hurt) but he reopens them as they pull apart, breathing heavily. Silver doesn't look at him, face matching his hair - but Gold is fine with that, doesn't mind at all. He knows that those eyes will look at him again, as he's got all the proof that he needed (wanted, so desperately)
Before Gold can react again, Silver stands up, and yet lingers, holding a hand out to help him up.
"L-Let's go back."
Gold smiles, takes the offered hand and starts to stroll next to his rival. Although he says nothing, Gold notices that Silver doesn't relinquish the grip on their return journey, only letting go close to the Pokémon Centre, where music blares behind the glass doors from the New Year's Eve celebrations. And he grins in the hope that one day, they might continue the contact in front of other's eyes.
But for now, Gold is perfectly happy.
(And Silver wouldn't admit it, but he is too.)
I love this pairing so much, but I really don't know if I can write it. It doesn't help when you see all these amazing fics; I wish I could write like that! But oh well, I hope you enjoyed it, and that the characterizations were vaguely accurate, etc. I'm getting SoulSilver for Christmas, so I might actually have a clue soon. Thank you for reading, and let me know what you thought?