"And that's a classic by the Ink Spots, who just don't want to set the world on fire. Thanks for listening, children!"
The man adjusted his headwrap and grinned. This was his favorite part of the broadcasts.
"This is Three Dog, AAWWWOOOO! And you're listening to Galaxy News Radio! We're Radio Free Wasteland! And we're here... for you."
Three Dog swiveled about in his chair, arms raised. Margaret, his technician, clapped sarcastically in the corner. Three Dog studiously ignored her, took another swig of vodka, and jabbed the push-to-talk button of his microphone.
"Children, remember the days when I had nothing but bad news for you? Well, guess what? Those days are over! I am feeling no pain today, and it's not just this delicious two hundred year old booze I've been swilling. Nothing but good, nothin' but nice. It's been just a few days since the Brotherhood of Steel, our knights in shining armor, put paid to the last of the Enclave here in the Capital Wasteland, and boy have they been busy! In answer to the single most common question we get here at Galaxy News Radio, no, Liberty Prime is not online yet, it might take months and even years to fix him, so could you please stop asking about it," he yelled, pounding his fist on the table.
"But seriously, folks, you want that day to come sooner, bring as many sensor modules and cameras as you can to the Citadel, and our favorite communist-hating, bad-guy stompin' robot will have you to thank when he walks the earth again!"
He took a deep breath and a swig of vodka. Then another. "What the hell is communism anyway?" Margaret shrugged and pretended to fiddle with the electronics. Three Dog hated that. He preferred it when she was more forward in her scorn. But here she was, being polite and... smiling? He shook his head in wonderment. Truly the world was ending.
"So anyway, heeeere's that gooooooood news I was talkin' about! AAWWWOOOOOOO! Man this vodka tastes good. Did that go out live? Whatever, it's worth it. I want you all to raise a glass to our one true messiah, the kid from Vault 101, who has done it once again!" Three Dog paused.
"His name is John, by the way. Did I ever tell you that? I feel like I probably mentioned it at some point, but anyway, here's the news! After he helped the Brotherhood take down the Enclave's last major base, 101 decided to go and fix all our other problems too! While the Lyons' Pride, the Brotherhood of Steel's elite combat unit, held the line against the super mutants at the mall, John led a small team and straight up assaulted Evergreen Mills, Paradise Falls, and Fort Bannister! You know how many other people he took on this insane mission? Three – and one of them was a dog. The other two were Star Paladin Cross of the Brotherhood – turns out she knew the kid's Dad – and none other than Sentinel Sarah Lyons, leader of the Lyons' Pride. These are the two top ranked soldiers of the Brotherhood, and they have those ranks for a reason. Between the four of them, they wiped out every last raider, slaver, and Talon Company asshole right in their own headquarters! Glorrrrious! AWOOOO!"
"And that's not all, children! For an encore, they up and ended the super mutant threat once and for all! I told you how those uglies were comin' from Vault 87, and some of you asked, why not just storm the place now that we know where they're coming from? One word: radiation. The entrance was so hideously radioactive that only super mutants could use it! So the crazy kid from Vault 101 decided to fight fire with fire, and dropped half a dozen mini nukes right on the entrance of the vault, sealing it under a hundred tons of rock and burying it forever. The super mutants can no longer breed – they need to kidnap people and dunk them into vats of virus to reproduce, remember? They've got no way to reinforce and no place to drag their captives, and the rest of the Pride is scouring DC as we speak!"
"So basically, apart from a few holdouts, the raiders, slavers, super mutants, Talon Company, and the Enclave have been swept away in the span of a single week! Think I'm kidding? Has Three Dog been mixing vodka and jet again? Ha! I have it right from the horse's mouth, as our heroes – the Fallout Four – passed by Galaxy News Radio to tell all. They even gave me Eulogy Jones' suit! The head slaver is no more! I am wearing the most pimpin' zoot suit in the Capital Wasteland, drinking vodka from slaver HQ, and people, it's time to celebrate. And what better way to celebrate than with... some music! I only dug up this guy a few days ago, but he sounds like nothin' else! Can't read the label on the holotape, but they called him... The King."